Thursday, December 23, 2010

Those Who Dream...



A year and a half ago, after almost a year and a half into our journey of TTC, I began to feel the discouragement keenly. Simultaneously, Arno was feeling strongly that the Lord was moving us towards buying a house. I had been hesitant to move forward in this. I mean the "plan" is babies first, house second, right??

One day, as I read my daily Bible reading, I came across these verses in Isaiah 54:

1 “Sing, O childless woman,
you who have never given birth!
Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,
you who have never been in labor.
For the desolate woman now has more children
than the woman who lives with her husband,”
says the L
ord.
2 “Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread out your home, and spare no expense!
3 For you will soon be bursting at the seams.
Your descendants will occupy other nations
and resettle the ruined cities.

In the months that followed, the Lord opened up doors to not only purchase a house that we loved, but also provided long-term renters almost immediately upon realizing we would be moving back to America. I thought the "expanse" meant the house literally, but I can see how the Father's dreams for us are even larger. He is stretching us in faith, in finances, in every aspect of our "human" nature, so because I am human......

SOME DAYS ARE JUST REAL HARD!

Hard to trust....

Hard to keep the faith....

Hard to see and to feel His hands holding me close....

Hard to remember that "the Lord is not slack concerning His promises...."

and sometimes....

JUST HARD just BECAUSE "I" cannot any longer!!

So the Lord gave me a new promise from Psalm 126 to hold onto because He is gracious and because I forget, and I believe that this heralds a new season for my life:

1 When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

My favorite line is "....we were like those who dreamed...." which is spoken on the coat tails of restoration. What Satan has tried (and some days almost succeeded) to steal from my life, the Lord will NOT ONLY restore, but it will be SO GREAT that it will feel as if I am dreaming...to the point that "the nations" will see and proclaim the goodness of the Lord due to His hand upon my life.

What a beautiful promise!

And while the promise is beautiful, real life is MESSY!

I don't get it right every day or have the faith that I want to, yet I know He is "faithful, even when I am unfaithful," or wanting to give up and throw in the towel. When I don't know who I am or where I am going, I know, in my Spirit, He is holding me close, calling to me to rest for awhile, to let go, to trust, to give up control....and HE will fill my mouth with laughter and RESTORE!!

What are you believing for God to restore this year?
What promise are you standing on that He has made to you?
What do you do when you doubt His hand, His love, His promises?






Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Welcome Macy Hope! (my goddaughter)

I love how alert she was here even though just a few hours old.
Macy Hope Kinlaw~7lbs, 4oun, 19in
December 17, 2010

Join me at Wordless Wednesday, A Beautiful Mess, Faded Charm, My Life in Jenga and Live and Love Outloud.



Monday, December 20, 2010

Power in the Blood, Part 2 (Multitude Monday #43-50)

***Content of this posting is raw concerning my own journey and may be "tmi - too much information" for some readers. Proceed with caution. :) :)***

I have delayed in continuing on with my personal thoughts on The Blood of Jesus but since I said that I would and the issue has become more real to me again this month, I am going to share.

I wrote a few months ago about the journey and some of the emotions that my husband and I have been through as we are TTC (trying to conceive). Each month we have hoped and dreamed and planned and waited, especially during the infamous "two-week-wait" (between ovulation & period), however, that desire has not yet become a reality.

When I was a teenager, and I first started my period, I did not complain like many friends that I knew in spite of any symptoms like cramping, lightheadedness, weakness, etc that I may have felt because I knew that this "blood" was a necessary part of the process for me to have children one day. I actually rejoiced in the normalcy of my cycle. I was thankful because I never wanted to have "problems" getting pregnant. This thought process has continued on even as the symptoms surrounding that "time of the month" increased as well as the intensity of the flow itself. I saw the prize at the end of the line and it was so precious and valuable to me that I could feel it and I just KNEW it was worth it.

Almost 20 years from the first time, my period now holds a different meaning. I don't even have to take a pregnancy test because I have a perfect visual sign screaming to me, "NOT PREGNANT!" Now, I realize that some people continue to bleed regularly throughout their pregnancy, so yes, many months I have still taken a pregnancy test at the end of my cycle, and I just get that one little lonely line or the worst test yet that actually says the words "not pregnant" (not sure if I want to buy that test again....lol).

So that is what prompted my thoughts on the Blood of Jesus...He had to die, to completely drain every drop of His blood in order to give us life. Through death, through blood, we now have life.

Each month, my body MUST go through a cleansing, a preparation for life. My body is literally bleeding to give life -- one day. Now that "one day" may not have been as soon as I would have liked or thought, but since my body is constantly preparing for that day, I will TRY to place my hope in that. Instead of seeing "the blood" as a sign of NOT PREGNANT, I will visualize my HOPE.

This may/may not hold the same meaning to you as it does to me, but it makes what Jesus did for me on the cross all the more real, and lest you think that I am writing this from a place of strength, let me be completely transparent -- I AM NOT! Yesterday is what I describe as "a bad day" -- a day where I want to give up hope, to die to my own and/or God's dreams forever, to feel nothing - not joy or pain, and I am not sure that I am completely out of that yet.

However......

I am CHOOSING!

So while this day doesn't "feel" like a day where I want to write my gifts nor does this topic seem very connected with what some people may feel comfortable reading on Multitude Monday, I am making a choice to thank God for what IS and not what ISN'T. I may have to choose again tomorrow, but Jesus said that tomorrow has enough worry of its own so I can only focus on today.

Gratitude - a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours;
the state of feeling grateful

#43 - My parents are alive (after the earthquake in Haiti) and we can celebrate life TOGETHER this Christmas

#44 - When I want to give up, Jesus is right there holding me close

#45 - My good friend, Tricia, who lets me be SO RAW with no judgment or sermons, when I need it

#46 - Snow - it is my mom's favorite (one of mine too) and we got some just hours after she & Dad flew in from Haiti

#47 - Friends who chose us and our entrusting us with the role of "godparents" to their new little baby girl, Macy Hope

#48 - The miracle of life -- Macy Hope -- after death and miscarriage, she is the visual of HOPE to the Kinlaw family

#49 - This blog - a place where I can write out my heart....it has been TOO long!

#50 - Laura Bush - so thankful for her words of transparency about her own journey of TTC:

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

I have joined The Gratitude Community -- a place to be inspired by others and what God is doing in their lives, a chance to share my own journey of gratitude, and an opportunity to REMEMBER to be grateful in ALL things. So every Monday, I will add to my list of 1000 gifts of all the graces God has provided in my life. Would you consider joining me? Even if you don't blog, you can join the gratitude community by starting a gratitude journal, mentionning your gifts on Facebook, or sending e-mails to your friends. Let's work together to help in creating a more thankful, joyous world.

holy experience




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