Today I hold the baby in my arms that you held in your womb for nearly nine months. He coos and laughs and in just 3 short weeks, I know his cries and gurgles and sounds. And even more, he knows my voice. I am in love in a way I never expected to be with a baby that I did not carry under my own heart. Amazed. Enraptured. Astounded.
And yet...today on this Mother's Day...the first one where physical caring and loving gives me the right to stand among the throngs of scarred warriors...princesses....mothers....
I think of you.
You who carried this child under your breast.
You who felt life come into the world the day he was born.
You who stood, slept, and sat in uncomfortable hospital rooms for weeks awaiting the time you could take him home.
You who had to let him go as he was placed into my arms...for now...or maybe.... forever.
I do not know how to comprehend this agony of surrendering this gift of life to another...yet again.
I cannot understand the weight of knowing another woman loves him as you do.
I am baffled by the sheer magnitude of heart ache, life has brought you through circumstances as well as personal choices.
And I do not judge you.
Well, mostly not.
Really. Truly.
My heart goes out to you most days.
My real struggle is when I realize, I wish he were mine, clear and free, here and now, forever and always.
And then I remember you.
You who are fighting to clear a path for his return. I am conflicted in wanting to rejoice for your successes and the sheer dread that overwhelms me in knowing that your success may well be my greatest agony to date.
I want to believe the best and still there are moments that I catch myself wishing for the worst. In those moments, I am shamed at my own humanity. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? But clay in the Potter's hands.
So with long-term desires that rival the breadth and width of the Grand Canyon and dogged determination to focus on the plans and purposes that Jesus has for Little Man {wherever that may me}, I first want to thank you for saying YES to life! Yes to giving Little Man a chance to live, to survive, to thrive, and to walk in the destiny for which he was formed and fashioned.
And secondly....
Today, I share this Mother's Day with you.
And for the gift that you have given me,
I wanted to say thank you...
...from the bottom of my heart.
Wherever the path may lead us from here...
today, let's rejoice in life....Little Man's life and all the promise that it holds.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sincerely,
Little Man's Foster Mommy
11 comments:
So precious...Happy Mother's Day!
This is very much what I would've and should've written to Baby F's mommy. It's hard, Lindsey, it's really hard. But it should be. It's hard and heartbreaking when they are yours forever, so every baby should be loved and heart broken over. Thank you for doing it for Little Man, for his mommy.
Thanks, friend! Been thinking of you this week wondering, "How the #^%$ did she do this?" People have told me that they couldn't do what we are doing, and I say, "I don't know if I can either, but I am doing it anyway." Thank you for your understanding and your prayers.
Thank you, Bethany!
Lindsey, this is so honest and beautiful. Thank you for this glimpse into your heart... I too am in awe of anyone who foster parents, as I have often felt I could never... But your willingness challenges me. It is a beautiful thing you are doing
Praying for you, my friend.
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Keeping you all in prayer -- My heart is with you - May God richly bless you.
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