God-Sized Dreams in 2013

When it popped up in my e-mail, "Guess who my featured Five Minute Friday post is this week?" I literally could not believe it.

I know. That sounds like false humility and all, but seriously, I really feel like I am faking this whole blogging/writing thing at least 75-80% of the time. At Allume last year, I would not even read my Five Minute Friday out loud, because I still feel like the girl in the room who speaks a second language, dresses a little weird, and has no idea how to navigate first-world social norms. My sister fakes-it-til-you-make-it  better than I do.

But I love to write. I have a poet's heart and a prosey brain and over the years, I have embraced the view I have on life that is uniquely my own. I see God's handprint, and I celebrate the fact that I am loved by One such as Him.

So I was thrilled, and even did a little happy dance on the inside. Wow! I cannot believe I was chosen.

When I looked later, I found out a little more about the matter. Lisa-Jo had tweeted to the #FiveMinuteFriday gang to give her some feedback on their favorite post of the week, and Tonya, whom I have never talked to or met, even online, shared my link, with no link backs to me so I did not even know it, until after the fact.

No fanfare. No big deal. Just a little tweet.

And I felt simultaneously humbled and ecstatic! {I am an extrovert after all!}

Somehow this whole thing that I dedicate a lot of my time and heart to....is making a difference.
One person.
One tweet at a time.

The next day, I get this Facebook message from a college friend, Anna....

"I thought of you today while listening to a radio program called women of grace. The way the host was so encouraging and passionate reminded me of you. Have you considered going into Christian radio? : )"

My speaker's heart wanted to burst. I had JUST been reading about podcasting WHILE she was typing this message. I have missed teaching and preaching and speaking during our extended sabbatical, and I would love to make space in my world of blogging for some spoken word.

Bottom line.

I love words.
Written.
Spoken.
Public.
Private.
Global.
One-on-one.

I love people.
I love hearing their stories.
I love walking with them through broken places.
I love helping them find their own uniqueness.
I love celebrating that individuality that is all their own.
I love seeing their dreams come true.
I love discipling.
I love making people feel THEY are chosen.
{because, well, it's true!!}

My ex-boyfriend used to say, "Lindsey, you have a heart for everything and every body." I would laugh and think, "What is wrong with that?" The Lord took me on a journey into pastoral ministry where I methodically worked directly with all ages from 2-82 and everything in between, adding more ages groups in as the years passed, and at this point in my life, there is no age that I do not care for, see their unique needs, and long to help in that way.

I have not talked much about this yet because I SO wanted to be clear, concise, and orderly, but the chaos that is my brain will not give me that luxury so I shall share nonetheless.

For 2013, I am purposefully embracing my God-sized dreams. I am joining 99 other ladies as we jump off the cliff called SAFE into the unknown. Holley Gerth is our guide through this journey along with the Holy Spirit of course, and I am delighted to be taking this challenge.

Did I say delighted?
I meant to say DELIGHTFULLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! ;-)

So since I am having a hard time "narrowing down" ONE God-sized dream to focus on, I thought I would just share them all. I, know...crazy, right? To put myself out there like that. Remember I told you....I have always been a LITTLE different from the status quo.

Okay here are my dreams {at least what I can think of at the moment} in no particular order::

* Become a licensed counselor
* Become a bonafide author
* Become a college professor
* Work again in full time ministry
  {even if that looks different that it has in the past}
* Be completely free from chronic pain
* Become a mother
* Get paid for my art 
  {writing, speaking, photography}
* Become a graphic designer {maybe}
* Be in control of my own schedule 
  without financial worry
* Be the kind of wife who enthusiastically 
  supports my husband's dreams
* Live life to the fullest 
  and continue to dream even more!

Okay, that is good for now I suppose....I want to expound and quantify and add to but I think that will come in other posts. I have a whole year after all, eh?

But you know what would be REALLY COOL and SO VERY EXCITING FOR ME??!!??

Would you join me in this God-sized dream journey?

Pinterest via The Artsy Girl Studio

My friend, Holly, will be blogging about it lots and she wrote the coolest e-book, The "Do What You Can" Plan, so you can follow and read along with her as well as with me here. If this just speaks to your heart, gives you that little leap inside, will you let me know below?

If you are like me, and are just not sure what your God-sized dreams are or how to focus on them, tell me that too! We will figure it out together somehow, stumbling through the dark. We have an amazing Guide, keeping us safe as we navigate this new territory.

Also.....and this is sort of awkward to ask....but if you know me, either online or in real life, would you weigh in some of the dreams that I shared with you? Because my dreams are all about people, knowing which ones influence people the most, might help me to figure out the God-sized dream for THIS season, ya know? I would definitely appreciate it...especially those of you {lurkers} who read but do not comment...would you DE-LURK, just for this one?  Thank you!!

Happy dreaming...

"If you keep on believing, the God-sized dream that you wish really will come true."
{modified from Cinderella}

20 Questions for 2012

20 Questions for End of the Year Reflections

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

We bought a house and then I fell in love with it,  for this nomadic missionary kid that is quite a feat!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

For the first time in three years, I actually had to think about this question because no obvious answer came to me right away. Such a beautiful miracle!  I suppose the most challenging thing has been the journey of becoming certified to be foster parents. The paperwork and inspections and interviews are the EASY part. The part that I did not expect was the emotional and mental roller coaster that I would feel preparing to step into this. I am still scared silly!!

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I had almost 6 months of the year where I had more "good" days than "bad" days with my health. I do not talk a lot about the chronic pain issues that I have here on the blog, but they do overshadow a lot of how I live my life, unfortunately, not by choice, so the fact that this has been the "best" year health wise in 3 years is just amazing!

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

1) The EXTRA 3 months that it took to close on our short sale.

2) As mentioned above, the overwhelming emotions in processing what it would mean to be foster parents, to have the first children we would be "raising" for a time not be our "own."

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.

His Relentless Pursuit 

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2012

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Healthier. Happier. More-like-yourself-again.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2012 (again, without asking).

Chilled. Transforming. Revealing.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Grace for the Good Girl is on my list again this year as I continued reading into 2012. I did quite a few fictional reviews this year, but my favorite of them all was Breath of Angel by Karen Henley.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Arno, my life-long friends {college & local}, my parents, my sister,

Blogging friends who are IRL friends, Libby and all my (in) This Season ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Finding the desire and passion and drive to dream again

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I learned that I wait TOO long before I ask for help because it is so hard for me to ask so I am SLOWLY learning NOT to do this, even with those closest to me

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

The more I learn about how and who God wired me to be, the closer I feel to Him and His heart. The more I live the life HE created me for, the more I feel alive in my purpose on this earth.

That is the lesson that has come alive for me this year.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

As mentioned above, I have seen significant improvement in my chronic pain issues this year. While I am not back to my "old" self yet, I am SO VERY thankful for the healing the Lord has/continues to do in my body!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

As I am more fully embracing who I am, I am embracing that uniqueness in others around me. The past few years, GRACE has been like an anthem to me. I feel that the Lord is constantly teaching me not only to have grace for myself and my own story but for others and their journeys too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

The flexibility and the variety of working various types of jobs

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best, especially with the health limitations

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Probably TV/Internet

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Taking photography classes with my sister. Connecting with ladies at (in) This Season. Taking time to write more and more strategically. Connecting with others who have like-minded hearts and passions.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

What I have learned the most goes along with my OneWord for 2012 :: Relentless. The Father has shown me that He is relentlessly pursuing my heart. He is relentless in seeing the dreams He has placed inside of me come true. He is relentless to heal me and to renew what the devil tried to steal. He is relentless so I do not always have to be. He IS on my behalf.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

Weeping may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q & A.
Check out my 2011 Reflection Q & A.

Dare To Write

Can I be honest?
No, I mean really and truly honest?

Life has been a little overwhelming lately.
And scared
And intimidating.

{SIGH}

Wow. That felt good to get that out.

A couple of months ago we finally bought the house we had been waiting for. We packed, we cleaned, we moved in. And then we started a foster care home study process TWO WEEKS later. No seriously. We really did. We kept unpacking and organizing and finding a semblance of order in our home, little by little by painstakingly little. We filled out paperwork and more paperwork and then, you guessed it, even more paperwork.  We put locks on scary attics doors and random closet cubbies and changed our water temperature setting {Who knew you could do THAT?}. We engaged in interview after interview after gut-wrenching, soul-baring interview.

Our lives have changed a lot and not so very much all at the same time.

And I kind of slowed down my writing and posting
Aaaaa....Whhhhoollle.... Loooot.
Not really on purpose.
It just kind of happened.

And somehow in the past week or so, as I have tried to jump back in, I have felt so very far behind -- in relationships, in opportunities, in writing skills, in confidence, in grace to simply be me.

While I so just want to stay here in this space of darkness and indecision and fear, {Oh there is that ugly word again!}, I know that I simply cannot. So with Intimidation shouting in my ears, "What do you have to say?" or "You know that someone else out there could say it better and stronger and with more impact & eloquence than you ever could," I dare to write anyway.

Not because it's perfect.
Not because it's beautiful.
Not because I have all of the answers.

Not because I'm smart.
Not because I'm eloquent.
Not because I know I can weave words to change the world.

I dare to write because His heart and soul and Spirit inside of me scream softly and whisper loudly with unrelenting purpose and destiny,

"You were made for this and so much more.

Don't stop the dreamer.

Don't silence the artist.

Don't stand in the way of the sinner 
working her way through grace 
on this writing journey."

Now my soul breathes a little deeper as life-giving CPR fills my dried up soul.

"He who began a good work in you 
is faithful to complete it 
until the day of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:6

What fears are holding you back? 

What is stopping you from daring to do the thing inside 

that you know you were meant to do

....regardless of whether you are the best or not....?

Past, Present, & Future

I take a deep breath as I pull open the heavy metal door.

Every time I walk into this room, a flood of memories wash over me.

Birthday parties. Christmas dinners. Youth activities. Work functions.

This space memorializes so many moments over the past twelve years of my life.

The time Steve* and I got into a fight over styrofoam.
The time I sprained my ankle as a youth camp counselor.
The time I learned to make smokin' hot chilli.
The time I felt like a princess at my very own bridal shower.

So as I cross the threshold to celebrate another young woman embarking on her own love journey, I cannot help but think of the crests and valleys of my own wanderings that have taken me across oceans and back again and again.

The changes in my heart and soul have slowly shifted me worlds away from the woman I used to be. The people who sit at the tables inside only know a portion of the woman that will soon walk through the doorway and celebrate with them.

The growing chasm of differences loom greatly like the crossing of the Grand Canyon, and I find myself once more overwhelmed at the anticipation.

Insecurity racks my mind and heart, and paralysis threatens my desire to feel accepted in spite of this new skin, in which I myself am still growing accustomed.

So with another deep breath, fortifying my fledging courage, I enter into the room filled with many familiar faces. My tardiness leaves me at an even greater disadvantage since everyone is already seated and eating, and I wonder where I will sit and if I will be welcomed at that table.

I place my purse close to the food area, praying for wisdom, mercy, grace, SOMETHING to help me, as I pick up a plate, buying time while I peruse the culinary selections.

At that moment, a high-pitched voice startles me from my inward anxieties,
"Miss Lindsey!"

I turn to the sound of the voice to see a grinning six year old with barbecue on her lips, inviting me with her eyes to come over, so I yield and walk towards her table. With beaming pride and a heart full of acceptance she quickly points, "There is a seat just for you right next to me."

My heart melts.
That the reception of a child would fill my heart with such welcome blows me away.

I quickly fill my plate, greeting fellow guests along the way, and finally slid my way into the seat next to the little princess. She smiles and chatters away, telling me about her life and thoughts. Her mom, sitting across from me, opens up with sincerity, "Hannah* said when you walked away, 'Mommy, look how happy everyone is to see Miss Lindsey.'"

My heart beat quickens, and I cannot help but smile.

"Why, thank you, Hannah!"

She smiles as she devours her morsels.

Watching her chew, I could not help but think of how just a few little words could remind me not only of the person I had been, but also of the woman that I still am as well as the soul that I AM destined to be.

I am defeated, and know it, if I meet any human being

from whom I find myself unable to learn anything.

~George Herbert Palmer

*Names changed

Painting Prose

Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope

I sat frozen by the news.

After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart.

A flood of thoughts and emotions vye for first place in my consciousness.

Dreams of a little girl with my freckles and a son with Arno's beautiful smile seem to be slipping through my fingers, and I am helpless to stop it.

Knowing that the Father has led me to begin a 30 day journey of hope seems absolutely ludicrous.

Hope??

Really??

Now??

How can I share about hope when mine, on the face of it all, has been snatched away?

I stand on a precipice of one of those defining moments of life.

Will I jump headfirst, turn and walk away, or maybe discover a pathway through the rocky divide, knowing that crawling my way to the other side may be completely ambiguous and filled with trepidation?

So I broach the chasm.

What else can I do?

I tread lightly at first, stumbling along the way, until suddenly my muscles fortify with the tension of the climb, and Hope begins to take on a life of her own, weaving her story into my broken pieces, teaching me that life is more than my plans and my wishes and my desires.

She is soft and strong

Steady and sure

Sensitive and striking

drawing me into her safe haven

teaching me to rest in her heartbeat

holding me close in the splintering

nudging me forward into boldness.

And in her grip, I am finding freedom, little by little, day by day

Getting stronger.

{Written about a moment in time

two years ago}

Use YOUR Talents

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order.

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." I blurted out quickly.

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU."

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Linking up with Write on the Edge for the first time on how we compare ourselves to others. Since it is my first time, I am still working on getting my word count lower, so please be gracious to me.

Also linking up with Write It, Girl, where we are all learning to be bold with the written word together.

Indelible {Guest Post :: Cara}

Oh my dear Cara! Eeee! I am so excited for you all to "meet" her!! Okay, so....I found Cara's blog THE week before Relevant, and I proceeded to stalk...I mean....comment on like 4 posts in a row. I "knew" instinctively that we would be fast friends. And once we FINALLY found each other at Relevant, I was right. I love finding kindred spirits. For me it is like finding a piece of my own soul. Cara's blog is a place where she strives to live her life out loud in the hopes that others will feel free to do the same. As a work-at-home-mom of 3 and wife to one soulmate, she tells real and messy stories to encourage, to uplift, and to wrap a virtual arm around you with as much grace and gusto as she can at her personal blog, Whimsy Smitten {don't you just love the way that rolls off the tongue?}. You can also find Cara's words at (in)courage, The High Calling, and Bibledude.net. So grab your steaming hot cup of joe, and curl up with Cara's words here and then hop over to her place and make a new friend, just like I did!

Indelible

I try to scrape up words.


That's what writers do. Between sleeps, between meals, between diaper changes and cups of coffee, we scrape up words, fingers splayed on keyboards like garden rakes, digging into a blank page like a yard full of leaves that become words that dance from our hearts and through our fingers and maybe into the heart of whoever happens by.

And when the hard times come, my blood runs black like typewriter ink and I bleed all over pages with all the aches and all the wonders. And when life whispers quiet and for now, all is well, the ink well dries and my cursor blinks blank, but at both ends of the spectrum, it is the words of Scripture that alight my heart and give me something to say.

It is the life within the ink that gives me life.

I wonder about ancient scribes and if they ever wrote blocked, or if the Word of God coursed through them like waves of ocean that could not be contained because He had tales to tell and promises to promise. Sometimes, the words cannot be contained. Sometimes, the pursuit of God is liquid and power and a flood that uproots everything around. And sometimes, it is only a bird on a branch, a finch that winks and if you aren't watching, you'll miss it.

Some days, I don't have the strength. Some days, I don't have the wisdom to see God in all his lurking, loving places. Some days, the ink is only black but the words are never only words. They are life, and this is how He pursues. This is how he speaks to my restless heart with his relentless love, through words, through black ink and paper pages.

Words of songs and words of books and words of hymns and bloggers and love letters. Words of Solomon and Paul and David who cried raw to the one who flooded his heart, and Job who cried raw to the one who uprooted his life. The life within the ink gives me life.

Joshua said to the Israelites, "Come here and listen to the words of the Lord your God" (Joshua 3:9).

Yes, come here and listen. Listen and read and write and sing and draw and breathe the words of the Lord, whose love is indelible.

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 4th in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us across the miles, across the generations, across the hearts that are His.

To read more of the posts, click here and here.

Beauty in The Dying

The ill-tempered wind whips through me leaving my body filled with chills in its wake. The fallen leaves crunches conspicuously beneath my feet reminding me that I walk among the dying.

The scene around me steals my breath again and again with its sighing sorrow.

And yet thrills continue to shoot throughout my being as I take shot after shot of this broken, aging maiden, giving her best before she breathes her last.

What is it that draws me into the death,
the brokenness,
the sorrow,
the pain?

This beauty
This passion
in the face of certain doom,
she yet gives her best, her very best,
seemingly thinking nothing of herself,
but only of the fragrance to the world that her life,

and yes,

even her death bring.

She is not like Spring, whose vibrance and luster for life is contagious and infectious, holding promise, newness, redemption. Her beauty is not simply from the desire for life; it is from the living of that life. The joys, the laughter, the wonder, and even the heart breaks and tragedies.

Autumn knows what is to come.

Her wisdom flows from her breezes, her branches, her heartsong singing ballads of days gone by.

But yet....
She faces it bravely, putting on her most royal robes as a sign, not of surrender, but of purpose, of destiny.

She has surrendered.
She has fought the good fight.
She has kept the faith.
She has finished the race.

For now....
Only for now...

She reminds me to walk bravely into the desert, the winter, the quiet places
She opens my eyes to the beauty unseen in the dying.
The beauty that one can only see when brokenness became your anthem, your mantra, your identify.

But you survive....

Her beauty brings peace.
Rest.
Safety.
Home.

Proverbs 31:25 says,

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

Five Minute Friday: Unexpected

Have I mentioned how much I love The Gypsy Mama?

She is from my husband's homeland and understands what it feels like to live in places outside of the country of your birth.

She is a word weaver, and I adore the way she paints a picture using those beautiful colors. I got to meet her and share heart morsels with her at Relevant, and that was pretty fabulous!

Five Minute Friday has long been my favorite writing party, and it is even MORE special now that I not only met Lisa-Jo, but also so many super cool ladies who link up there! It is a pretty special place, and if you haven't visited, you SO should.

So on with the 5 minutes....

Today's topic is......UNEXPECTED {heehee}

GO.

When I began my 31 day journey last month, I wasn't sure what would happen what I would discover. I only knew that I HAD to do it. I had to write. I had to {RE}discover. I had to know that there was MORE to this journey than "just because". I wanted to find the purpose or at least A purpose.

I could never have imagined that 25 days later, I would be living a dream -- to rub shoulders with writers, dreamers, artists who are also Godly, compassionate, loving women, wanting to change the world, THEIR world with the gift and talents that God gave them -- their words.

To pour out one's heart and brokenness on paper or screen, with fear & trepidation that actually defines strength and character is not something that I comes easy, and yet in this beautiful place, we call Relevant, there were many of these brave & mighty warriors.

I didn't know when I started rediscovering that I would find women after my own heart.
Women after His heart.
So beautiful.
So awesome.
So broken.
So like me.

STOP.

The Journey of Being Found

"The best part of hiding is being found."

~Emily Freeman

Hi. My name is Lindsey

And I'm a good girl.

{Hi, Lindsey}

A little over 6 months ago, I stumbled across this blog post by Emily Freeman talking about her book to be released in September. I had "discovered" her amazing writing voice a month or two before when she discussed the art inside of us, living it, breathing it, and much more.

Well, then there was this crazy amazing post that she wrote for (in)courage, which was the first post where I ever cried, and it just rocked my world!

But when I listened to this video and how she talked about letting go of the life where you try SO HARD to get it "right" and just cannot seem to make it happen, my heart leapt with the satisfaction of FINALLY being understood. I wanted to shout at my computer screen, "You get me! You get me!"

I even wrote a post about it a couple months later, how God is taking me from being good to being graced.

But I had yet to read her grace-filled words in the book package of Grace for the Good Girl until now....and since Christina suggested we read and link up posts together from what we learn, I thought it would be a good idea to get over any "good girl" qualities left in there by being open and free to share here....with you! And while overcoming "the good girl" will probably be a life long goal, being honest with my journey is MORE than half the battle, right?

Being a good girl does not look the same for every woman. You may have grown up in the church and always done the right thing, or you might have been the rebellious teenager in youth group that made the leaders quake with fear, speculating as to what trouble you might be into next. You might have only discovered Jesus when you were a grown up and now spend your days trying SO desperately to make up for lost time by being a good girl in every way possible.

For me, being the good girl, looked like loving Jesus from the time I was a little itty bity girl. I only knew life with Jesus. I really cannot remember before that. I always wanted so desperately to please Him in every area and to be a "good" Christian girl. I think maybe that is because people applauded and patted you on the back. Words are my love language, so I lapped them up like a love-starved puppy, feeling "good" about myself and thinking that my value was found there.

Emily connects it to wearing a mask:

"Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time. After a while, though, recycled air become stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren't become a burden rather than a game. Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief."

Coming home to the Father, to my Heavenly Daddy, basking in the knowledge of His love, reminding myself of it over and over again, realizing that it was real for me no matter how I performed or looked or acted became the new processes in which my mind had to work through.

But it didn't come easy.

It still doesn't.

"I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn't? To read between the lines of faith is to see Jesus. But reading between the lines takes work and invisible trust and the disregard of feeling.

I feel fear.....even for those to whom truth has been revealed, fear can be a loud and abusive motivator.

Fear drives

But Love leads."

I was working so hard to be a good girl, to be obedient, to be humble, to be submissive that I forgot to be truly authentic. Even though I prided myself with being REAL, I was lying to myself while telling everyone else the truth for THEIR lives.

"Maybe you are hiding from your dreams because to face them would mean admitting they are there. And to admit that they are there would mean you aren't living them after all."

This journey of grace

of discovery

of being found BY HIM

of living the life HE destined

stirs in the innermost being the desire to be....

"....A true you. An authentic, accurate expression of himself. A woman who is more than just a watered-down version of good."

Question from Emily:

Do you agree that that the best part of hiding is being found? Why or why not?