Five Minute Friday :: Again {He is STILL God}

I have spent the last ten days off and on hearing the whirs and rhythms of the hospital cadence.

Granny fell and broke her neck.

It always sounds so dramatic and serious when I say it out like that. And I suppose it is. My analytical brain refused to focus on the severity and merely deals with each task at hand -- errands, work, sitting with Granny, supporting Mom, whatever was needed and fighting off the effects of the flu within my own body. Then two days ago, my heart caught up. I hit a wall. Emotionally. I had to stop.

I am still here, Lindsey.

That still small voice, reminding me again of His truths, His purpose, His plan.

I am still in control.

When I hit the end of my self...again...He is there.

Be still and know that I am God.
I am working on your behalf, on her behalf.
I see the beginning from the end and every step in between.
Trust in Me as you still your heart again to the melodies of grace flowing from my heart to yours.

I AM still here.

Mom with Granny on Friday, January 25th
{9 days after surgery for broken neck}

**Update on Granny as of 4:30 p.m. EST :: She is doing VERY well today. She is off of the ventilator. She is wearing a trache collar now, which apparently is a step up. She had physical therapy today and was able to sit up for awhile. This morning she was very alert and recognizing people as well as communicating as much as she can without being able to speak because of the trache. She is resting peacefully now.

Prayer Request :: Please pray that she will pass her swallow test when they give it and that her sugar levels would be under control.

One Word :: Rearview Reflection and Dreaming into 2013

After I told my sister my one word for the year at the beginning of 2012, she later confessed that she asked God, "Really Lord? Isn't Lindsey relentless enough already?"

I have laughed over and over and over about that thought.

And I realized how true it is. I have a RATHER persistent personality....usually enticing people into my ideas and passions with contagious excitement.

Usually.

I have long been aware that there is a fine line between influence and manipulation. I try hard to keep that line really OBVIOUS to myself. No one HATES being manipulated more than me so I do not want to be the one to inflict that yucky-ness on others.

But that relentless nature in my 90%-fight-over-10%-flight reaction in my being took a beating in the struggles of the past 3-4 years.  So when I wrote about Relentless on January 5 of last year...I knew that God wanted to show Himself relentless in my life. I truly did get that.

But.....
.....the depth to which He has plumbed, I honestly do not know if I have the words to adequately explain because it has been so vast and thorough and well...amazing...

Let me try....

I feel more aware of the fact that He is Relentless FOR me, IN me, THROUGH me, IN SPITE of me. His grace to see me through every circumstance, to let me be still while He fights for me....well...there is no other way to say it than...I needed that. I needed to have a rescuer. I needed to learn how to LET Him be that. I needed the white knight. And He met me where I was at.

I will probably always be learning how to let go, to let Him, to be, to stop doing all the time, but this past year was an amazing kickstart.

My word for this year came to me in a whirlwind of a surprise, and yet slowly as it has seeped into my heart, I see the way God is weaving the tapestry together in this decade of grace. Arno {the hubs} even commented on the connection...

2010 - The Year of Grace
2011 - The Year of the Redeemed
2012 - The Relentless Year

And now.....

Taking this extrovert to a place of quiet and even loneliness, showing me who He is AND who He is IN me. This word both scares and excites me, like one's one word should I think.  Like every big launching pad moment, the knowledge that change is coming has me simultaneously shaking in my boots and shouting Hallelujah in the deepest recesses of my soul.

Like "Be STILL and know that I am God...." and "I am STILL in control, my child..."

Yeah. Like I said. Shaking and shouting.
All at the same time.

So of course Psalm 46:10 will not stop persisting in my head.
I looked it up and discovered some interesting perspectives in various versions that got me just a wee bit more excited!

New International Version (©1984) "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." 

New Living Translation (©2007) "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."  

New American Standard Bible (©1995) "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009) Stop your fighting--and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth." 

International Standard Version (©2012) Be in awe and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted throughout the earth.  

Aramaic Bible in Plain English (©2010) Return and know that I AM GOD. I am exalted among the nations and I am exalted in the Earth. 

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995) Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth. 

Okay, if you are STILL here, and I haven't lost you in my comparing-versions-geek-fest, well, YAY! And I will share more as the year progresses...

Now.........I would love to hear YOUR one word {or link to your blog post about it if applicable}, if you have chosen one or even one of your goals for this year. I think sharing our plans/goals/dreams, while scary, gives us, not only accountability, but also stirs excitement in our bones...makes it real!

So c'mon...get real WITH me...yeah?

Happy New Year, friends!
This is a special one, eh?

When God Changes Your Story

I get hung up a lot in what I used to do, what I used to represent, how I used to live, where I used to be heading, and in general, the person that I used to be. I must often be reminded of the fact that we live in seasons of life, sometimes in the shadows even.

I found this picture on Pinterest with these directions attached in the note:

1) Paint the canvas all crazy like

2) Use painter's tape to create a herringbone pattern with some missing

3) Paint over the canvas in white

4) Remove tape and voila!

For a non-crafty girl like me, this seems doable, and actually, kinda beautiful. The color and the white contrasted together in this herringbone pattern produce eye-pleasing results.

And somehow this reminds me of my life....

God painted beautiful colors.

A great childhood with amazing parents. A dreamer's heart to do the impossible. A sound mind to achieve no matter what. A strong body to work hard towards every dream. A relentless will to always see a way when others saw brick walls. A solid education to open doors both home and abroad.

A dancer. A missionary. A singer. A friend. A reader. A fighter. A lover-of-the-Truth.

The colors of my world bled rich and true and vast and deep, sketching insight and exquisiteness onto my soul.

But as is so often true, we never understand or truly appreciate rare and raw wonder until it is tainted or changed.

So, as the Master Artist began layering slabs of adhesive onto my canvas, seemingly marring the arresting artwork He had created, I lamented the loss of all that "I was." Being the ever-blind and often-ungrateful clay, I raged and tugged against His touches. Yet He persisted still, with a vision in mind that I could not yet see.

Until...finally, at the moment when I could take no more of these repulsive intrusions, He ceased. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

He's done.

He's really done.

And then....

No.

Oh please, Master.

It cannot be.

No more...please do not take everything from me.

I look up, and I see His eyes. The eyes that with gracious intensity, burn through me like fire, patient still even through my flailings.

Unhurriedly now, yet with purposeful intent, the strokes of His brush proceed to wipe away every sign of the loveliness and charm He had provoked from the canvas after years of work, leaving behind a white empty space, void of character and desirability.

And in that space, I render myself useless, unworthy, unloveable, unwanted.

But not to the Master, it seems.

For when I open my eyes, glazed with tears from the loss of my yesterday's glory, I see His gaze still steady and strong searing my soul, my pride, my claim on myself with His unrelenting grace.

Slowly, and yes, even painfully, He begins the process of stripping off the layers He has strategically placed there to uncover a loveliness that would not have been possible without the artistic ravaging.

A beauty I am still uncovering.

A grace I continue to discover.

Daily I am learning still to yield to this journey, to lay myself at the altar of His purpose, knowing that He loves me more than His own life. He proved it after all. Nonetheless, I am so often stubborn, filled with pride, longing to prove myself to Him, to the world.

And still, He stares deeply into the wells of my humanity, causing me to gasp at the weakness there and still more, to sit in awe of the regard He continues to pour over me.

My friend Cara said it like this....

"When you were knit together inside your mother, God made a pronouncement upon you. He made you something. He did not pronounce you an alcoholic or a liar or a screw-up. He did not pronounce you a cheerleader or a missionary or a pastor's wife or a mother. He knew those things might be part of your story, but He made you with a depth that goes beyond your doings and your labels."

{read the rest here}

Source via Pinterest

Who am I to Judge? {Relentless Grace}

It's funny how God reveals His character to you.
It's funny how He shows you when yours needs some tweaking.

And not funny-ha-ha, but funny ironic....funny surprising.

Last night, Arno and I sat down for Week 2 of our foster care/adoption training-certification classes. The room was filled with nearly 20 people, each with different motivations and agendas for taking these classes. Too many, it is personal -- getting back their grandchildren or a brother who is part of "the system." For others, like us, it is global, more generalized -- to make a difference in the life of a child/children. Whatever each individual's incentive, the general consensus in the room is a heart for children, a desire to help the helpless. It is kind of a beautiful thing really, finding this common bond beyond generation or race or religious affiliation.

And yet, people are still people and with the informal format lending itself to open discussion, opinions quickly come to the surface from those who cannot hold their feelings at bay and lay open, bare, on the table.

This study of people fascinates the psychology-lover in my brain. The group dynamics, the point-of-views of the various cultural backgrounds, and the way each one's desire to be there triggers a deep, raw place of BIG emotion amazes me.

We are not merely here in a class to learn.

We are here because we care and we care BIG and we care HARD

and sometimes the emotions are bigger than we can handle.

So as I quietly watched the dynamics unfold and listened to the opinions of others as well as to the continuing mantra of not judging others being repeated by the facilitator -- each other, birth parents, the social workers -- I realized that albeit calm and discreet in my mannerisms, my heart and mind boomed with emotions and opinions as large as any other person in the room.

As we drove home last night, I articulated to my love some of these weaknesses that I saw in my own heart, these judgments STILL there in spite of my own incredible journey of grace....

How could I think that my appraisal and examination of another's faults or weaknesses should be the measuring stick to which I hold another's value or worth?

And yet....what do I do when those ill-fated choices have impacted the life of a child negatively? In spite of my own barren arms, the momma-bear heart beats violently in my chest to rescue and to run away with this broken little ones to never be hurt again?

But where is the love?
Where is the redemption in my heart?

Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family?
Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?

Who am I to judge?

....and I then realized that I am there for more than to learn to be a "good" foster parent....

I am on this journey to love MORE like Jesus.
To understand His unchanging mercy,
His propensity to redeem EVERYTHING,
His as-far-as-the-east-is-from-the-west grace

To allow Him to be RELENTLESS........

in changing me.....

into His image.

And I cannot help but smile.....

Yeah. He's kinda funny...this Father of mine.

Maybe even a little funny ha-ha.

One Word 2012

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

I have been asking the Lord for weeks to show me the OneWord that He would have me focus on for this year. I have made lists after soaking in sermons, reading blog posts, meditating on various Scriptures, and listening to worship.

I have pondered and prayed.
I have processed and prepared.
My mind.
My heart.
My soul.
For what He has for me.
What He wants to speak to me.

You see last year, the year of Redeemed, transformed my life, and so that is a lot for this next little word to live up to, and I wanted to make sure it was His word, not mine;
His leading, not my direction;
His heart, not my will.

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

So, because I am ME, I psyched myself out a bit....and I realized I needed to take a step back.
And then I wrote a post on New Year's Day about my first lesson in grace, and I had a new bloggy friend tell me, "Maybe GRACE is your word for this year."

And I thought, "Really God? Grace was like 2010 and then has sort of been the underlying theme anyway..."

Then suddenly I realized..."This is my decade of grace."

(which REALLY excites me by the way)

That brought me to the place of asking the Lord,

"What aspect of grace do you want to teach me this year?"

On Tuesday night, I went to our church's annual Answer the Call, 21-days of corporate prayer and fasting, and in my spirit, I prayed that the Lord would show me His heart for me, my life, my family, my future this year.

And suddenly there is was.....

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

Relentless

Existing or occurring without interruption or end: persistent, around-the-clock, ceaseless, constant, continual, continuous, dogged, endless, eternal, everlasting, incessant, indefatigable, interminable, never-ending, nonstop, ongoing, perpetual, persistent, round-the-clock, single-minded, tenacious, timeless, unabating, unceasing, unending, unfailing, unfaltering, uninterrupted, unremitting, untiring, unwavering

His love is unwavering.
His mercy is endless.
His grace is indefatigable.
He is relentless.
in His pursuit of my heart
in His expression of His love for me
in His never-ending, single-minded determination to show me that I am HIS.

And He teaches me
to be tenacious in my relationship with Him
to be constant in allowing His grace to flow through me
to be dogged in my resolve to surrender my life at His feet
to be persistent in my journey of faith & trust in Him
to live perpetually in the grip of grace
to relentlessly remember His love holds me, His grace binds me, His mercy revives me daily.

He has been relentless to redeem my broken pieces,

even when I wanted to give up.
And I find myself caught up in His passionate tenderness

to me, for me, in me,

and through me.

This year.

2012.

A journey.

That is.

RELENTLESS.

Video imbedded - Click here to view

My Broken Pieces :: Redeemed

It was about a year ago that I first heard about the One Word community -- a gathering of people prayerfully asking the Father to give them one word to individually guide their lives for the year.

And I wanted in.
To simplify.
To slow down.
To listen better
Without all the words
and timelines
and goals
and noise
because for me, I was too caught up in my own perfectionistic world
so One Word
was....perfect....for me.


So the Lord dropped the word REDEEMED into my heart, my spirit.
And I set off on a journey to discover what that meant for me, what He was speaking to me, and what would happen inside of me.

I realized that if I were to highlight a word for 2010 in hindsight, it would be GRACE. And as this year progressed, it seemed that the majority of the lessons were still centered around grace. In fact, you will find twice as many tags for grace in my history than redeemed. So I wondered if I had chosen the wrong word, if I had not heard Him correctly, but I pressed on determined to walk the path and complete the road of discovery He had been guiding me through.

And then last month, I was talking to a friend, sharing bits and pieces of my journey, my struggles, my fears, my pain, my ugly, and I revealed how I had finally seen God's hand and heart after several years of mistrust and hurt and how through my tears, laughter and thankfulness came.

I, then, heard myself saying,

"It's amazing how in the midst of the biggest hurt of my life. In the midst of the trials and pain, I am finding joy. And nothing has really changed, but the brokenness makes more sense now. And I realize that He is REDEEM-ing everything for His glory, for my future, for a treasure to give to the world."

And the words caught in my throat.
And I gasped in that incredible moment of realization....

He has redeemed my broken pieces.


He is using the hard.
He has plans even in my mess.
He is good even when sorrow is like my own skin.
Everything is being redeemed
by the One who knows me better than I could ever know myself.

Nothing is left spilled and wasted on the ground.
Even the chaff has purpose with Him.

My life is Redeemed.

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 12 - The Broken

Today I read Emily's post at Chatting at the Sky about why we cry, where the tears come from, and how they connect to our heart, our calling, our purpose.

You really should read the post.

It is JUST -- THAT GOOD -- SERIOUSLY!!

So I started thinking about what brings tears to my eyes.

Six months ago, her video clip about her book, Grace for the Good Girl, came out, and I just wept in the recognition that "I am that girl." It fueled my journey through grace and redemption even more.

I randomly put on the Lifetime channel on Sunday night as I was winding down to sleep. I didn't know what I was watching at first, and then I realized it was 5 stories of women with breast cancer. If I had realized, I probably would not have watched it. I don't like to watch things that I know will make me sad. But I am glad I didn't know ahead of time because it moved me so much - their stories, their sorrow, their brokenness, their families, their heartaches -- so powerful!

This morning, I listened again to the Come Home song by Meredith Andrews that I posted in yesterday's post, and I cried all over again. I discovered the inspiration behind her song was her prodigal brother -- was close to the Father, but had walked away -- and I thought of the prodigals that I know, and those that I do not. And my heart longed to tell, to scream, to shout to them....COME HOME!

And then I read Emily's words ::

"Here is where your heart beats strong.

Here is a hint to your design.

Here is a gift from your inner life,

sent to remind you those things that make you come alive."

and the tears came.

And I realized that my tears come for broken people.

I have always known, probably since I was a teenager, that I wanted to work with people, in some way shape or form, and I have done that in full time ministry for 10 years.

But I had to take some time away, for many reasons, but one was because I was broken....still am in many ways.

I have experienced brokenness these past few years in a way that I never knew possible.

But now....

I understand broken people a little better...a little more...

I can SEE brokenness in others with more keenness and awareness than before.

And since....

I carry my own scars.

I have a testimony that maybe will open the door of broken hearts for me to come in.

I cry as I write this.

I look up to Heaven and I say, "THANK YOU!"

Then I laugh at myself while tears still stream down my face,

Am I really here?

Have I really arrived at this place

where I can say "Thank You"

from the depths of my heart

and mean it....truly mean it?

I am scared to say YES, scared of what might come of all of this, but I cannot dispute the joy that bubbles deep....oh so deep.....that cannot help but overflow in laughter from my lips.....I feel like a crazy person! Laughing with soulful mirth while shedding tears like unspoken words.

And I know it's not over.

I know that I'm not finished with my own sorrows and heartaches.

I know, too, that I am changed forever, and for a long time, that hurt so desperately.

There is a pain that struggles to find voice when one feels they have lost the essence of themselves.

But maybe that is not so bad anymore.

Maybe, oh maybe, dare I say it, maybe even better???

Hahahahahahahaha!!

Oh, I have to laugh now.

At the wonder of our Savior, our Creator, our Father, our Friend.

{RE}discovery :: Maybe this broken little girl can walk NOW into others' broken places with the gentle grace of the Shepherd that she learned in her valley of the shadow of death.

And maybe, it really could be "worth it all."

{this post has a video}

Previous - Day 11 :: The Letting-Go

Next - Day 13 :: The Wisdom

When Life Is Full Of Unanswered Questions

When we left South Africa, a year ago this week to take an extended sabbatical period, I was really scared.

Are we doing the right thing?

Is this TRULY God's plan for us?

How can I be 100% sure that we are walking

in God's perfect will for us in this season?

These and hundreds of other questions floated around in my mind for months & months causing me fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow, pain, heartache.

I remember telling my mom at one point,

"This is either the best or the worst decision of our lives."

And feeling that emotion & dealing with those thoughts put an enormous amount of pressure to find "the purpose" or "the reason" in all of this -- this season of feeling that our life, as we knew it, is indefinitely on hold.

For what??

I.

don't.

know.

How do you answer other people's questions when the ones in your own head are screaming for answers that have yet to be unraveled?

And then.

A few weeks ago, I came across this Scripture:

“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,

with faith and love in Christ Jesus.

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—

guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”

-2 Timothy 1:13-14

And suddenly, it hit me.

I am HERE....NOW because I needed to guard my heart.

Live to fight another day.

Protect the goose that lays the golden egg {as my wise husband likes to say it}.

And for us, for me, that was stopping, resting, taking a time out to stop my perfectionistic, analytical, problem-solving, energy-filled, purpose-driven self from running out of steam too soon.

I know that the Lord told me over a year ago that if I kept up at the pace that I was going I would die.

Yes, I said it.

I.

Would.

Die.

That's hard to type that.

Hard to admit that I was "there".

Hard to know that "I" got myself there in many ways by my SUPER-DOOPER-DRIVEN self.

And in the process the storms of life, the heartaches in relationships, and the trials of man took their toll on this little girl. Because THAT is exactly how I felt - like a broken little girl - longing, hoping, wishing, praying....and yet feeling so alone.

And in the darkest hour, Grace answered my cries....

He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

Grace made room for my sorrow, hurt, pain, & brokenness.

Grace gave me room to rediscover my Savior, myself, my purpose.

And I am still on that journey.

In many ways, I don't have any more definitive answers today than I did one year ago.

But, walking this journey has opened my eyes to truths for which I will one day find the words.

I know that some people have not understood the choices we have made.

I mean - I don't even understand them.

But I think grace/love/purpose look a little different than people may think,
MUCH Different than I thought.

That's for sure.

So because He rescued me, I cling to Him, even when I want to scream and pound His chest in angst and frustration.

I cling to Him.

Grace has captured my heart & soul.

And I know....nothing is wasted with my Jesus.

All of THIS will be redeemed.

A Journey towards Childlike Faith

This week, I felt really challenged by Bonnie Gray's prompt to look up and write on a Scripture about faith.

So I pulled out search engined a concordance and found a Scripture that really spoke to me.

But then I was stumped???

How do I put into words WHY this Scripture speaks to my personal journey of faith?

Over the past year, my faith walk has been filled with tremendous ups and downs leaving me reeling, replaying, rethinking, and wondering who I am, what my specific purpose is and how the choices I am making & people I am connected(ing) with are shaping my destiny.

Leaving full time ministry, even for just this extended sabbatical period, has been ridiculously scary.

My desire to simply "work with people" and to serve in a full time ministerial capacity has been my heart and in essence, a big part of my identity for the past 10 years. In many ways, even my relationship with God has found itself wrapped up in a life of service, giving, & discipleship.

In the face of all of these changes and questions, some recurring themes have consistently emerged.

Grace.

Redemption.

Rest.

Dreams.

Childlike faith.

I realized that in an effort to be "obedient" and in striving to "lay my life down," I sacrificed part of ME, part of my very nature.

My mom has often said to me, "Lindsey, be true to yourself and to the Lord. At the end of the day that is all the Lord asks of you."

Somewhere along the way, "doing the right thing," "following God's plan for my life," and "being true to what HE made me" got mixed up. Striving to find HIS plan/purpose in ME and through ME define this phase of my journey in the simplest way.

And yet, I am not simple. Far from it, in fact.

I don't think I ever was.

Even as a little girl. Just ask my mom.

But...

One thing that marked my childhood was....

....a sense of hopefulness

....the wonder of a dreamer

....a daily life filled with excitement

....an attitude joyfulness in life...especially in the little things

So I don't understand all of the whys, the whats, or the hows of the 30-something years thus far, but I do know that as I muddle through the complexities of this world and my own weaknesses, I desire to do so with the heart, the faith, the wonder of a child.

So today, that's what faith is to me.

Psalm 116:5-7 (NLT)

How kind the Lord is! How good he is!

So merciful, this God of ours!

The Lord protects those of childlike faith;

I was facing death, and he saved me.

Let my soul be at rest again,

for the Lord has been good to me.

A Reminder of His Grace

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. My mom is visiting from Haiti. We took a trip to NYC for a wedding. I brought back a yucky cold as a souvenir...ugh! I started doing admin part time for a friend's Mary Kay business. I am blogging for another friend's jewelry business. And, I have a few other ideas/prospects for the upcoming months that I am praying about.

Sometimes, there is so much LIFE happening that it is hard to decide which direction to go here with my posts. I like to write REAL life stuff but with a purpose and a meaning.

In the midst of everything, I have also found that making that real connection with the Father like I want to seems more of a challenge than it should be. Of course, this brings to mind, "How do I write REAL without Him?" Because nothing is really and truly REAL without Him.

And then....

Bonnie Gray's prompt @ Faith Barista about what Easter means to us this year challenged me....

On Sunday, as we were preparing to check out of our hotel in New York, and the television spouted off "news" {it never REALLY is new, right?}, I was reminded that it was Palm Sunday. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten. It has long been one of my favorite Sundays since childhood.

I love the image of Jesus riding in humble glory on a donkey being honored for WHO He is although the people didn't really understand that at the time. I have loved how the crowd cried, "Hosanna!" using palm branches, cloaks, and coats to pave the pathway that the King of Kings would ride through.

I guess I love this image so much because I know that the way the rest of the week unfolded for Jesus was hard. And really, it is never easy to think of the hard stuff, is it? The Last Supper, The Travail in the Garden, The Betrayal, The Accusations, The Denial, The Beating, The Thorns, The Nails, The Cross, The Spear.....those images are seared in my mind from images of Passion of the Christ as well as personal & church study.

And yet....

I know....

Because I am reminded....

AGAIN....

Without the cross, there is no substance for hope

Without the cross, there is no foundation of grace

Without the cross, there is no depth in love

And in the midst of the HARD things that I face, I don't always want to remember what and how Jesus suffered, not only physically, but emotionally, mentally, & especially spiritually in the excruciating separation from the Father. In essence, He truly experienced Hell, which is why he did it, so that we would never have to know that feeling of isolation from our Creator.

But today I was reminded again to face it....the HARD stuff....of what Jesus did for me, for us.

Measuring my life, my heart, myself in comparison to the cross causes me to feel -- UTTER FAIL!! Oh, how I fall so short!

So what does Easter mean to me?

His grace.

His redemption.

His love.

Even. when. I. fail. Him. and. fall. short. of. His. glory.

So I just wanted to say.....

Thank You!

{I received this picture below in an e-mail for Easter and I thought it said it well.....}

Five Minute Friday: Imperfect yet Redeemed

To take 5 minutes{and then some--maybe?}...to write about "my week"......to share "my story".....to open a window into my soul....in just five minutes.

This is my mission.

GO.

I am scared.

Scared to share this week, this crack in my armor, this season of my story.

Oh, yes! I write here, but I filter that story. I write when I HAVE learned the lessons {mostly}. Yet, to share when I have nothing revolutionary to share, to open up when my words are not beautiful and precious and thought-provoking and life-changing......

This scares me.

"I am cerebral," I say to the man who holds my heart these 5 years now.

He chuckles at me, not to mock or to malign my heart, but because he knows that I MEAN every word and my word choices ALWAYS amuse him. And yet, he knows....he gets me. He SEES me and I feel safe.

Yet, if I let others {you} in, what will the reaction be? Will there be the side-long glances full of "I-know-better-than-you-but-I-won't-tell-you-because-you-wouldn't-listen-anyway? Or will there be grace?

STOP.

AND THEN SOME.....

That smooth-flowing, heart-healing, soul-renewing grace that says, "I know you are hurting. I can see your pain. I may not understand it all, but I will love you in spite of my understanding. I will look inside of you and remind you of who you are even when you forget. I will reach into your heart and life even when you seem to close the door. I will not be afraid because I know the ONE who loves you best and I will remind you of that. I will just BE there to hold your hand or to hug your neck or to pray His words over you."

So I am scared. And yet, today, I still write. Heart-pounding. Chest-thumping. Anxiety-driven.

Am I safe? Are these words that say nothing and EVERYTHING, are they safe in your hands, your screens, your hearts, your thoughts?

Can I be imperfect and flawed....and this is really.......OKAY?

{sigh}

{breathe}

I pause in this story. I re-read my words. I wonder at their impact. I grieve in this veiled honesty.

And then I am reminded by the ONE who truly loves me best and longest and eternally.....

YOU ARE REDEEMED!!

Rest.

(I want to edit this so desperately....to explain....to qualify....to quantify.....but I will not! I am giving this to faithful hands to sift the chaff and keep the grain....)

{What is your story this week? What are some fears

-- transparent or veiled --

that have overwhelmed you this week?}

In His Grip,

Linking up with:

Redemption vs Religion

As I am focusing on being REDEEMED this year, I stumbled across this message on a friend's Facebook page (thanks, Carole!), and it encouraged and challenged me as well as reminded me what being redeemed is all about.

Enjoy!

Redeemed: From the Law

Last year, if I had picked just One Word that summed up my year, it would be GRACE. From beginning to end, last year was washed and bathed with His fresh & new, sweet-smelling grace. I won't go into all the details in this post, but my blog is filled with posts that reflect His grace in my life in so many ways.

I have been thinking about my one word for this year --REDEEMED-- and how similar to grace it is.

Galatians 4:5 (New American Standard Bible)

But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"

I think I had one thing in mind when I first began this One Word journey and felt the Holy Spirit nudging me towards this focus, but He is already surprising me (He's funny like that, right?) with how He wants to reveal the depth of redemption to me.

What I love about this discovery is how much I DON'T KNOW. Funny enough, for a perfectionist like me.....THAT is oddly comforting. And I think that is the basis of redemption. It takes YOU out of the equation and puts the focus back on HIM, and then HE brings the gift to YOU.

In a nutshell, HE does the work...not me!

And...I'm good with that! ;)

One Word 2011

One word.

One theme.

One focus for the year.

After reading quite a few blogs about choosing prayerfully one word to represent and/or focus on for the upcoming year, I thought, "Yeah...I want to do that too!"

I am a perfectionistic planner, but last year through a series of MANY things (previously blogged about), I found myself in a position that I couldn't plan like I wanted to.

So this One Word concept....one word to guide my year, my blog, my choices, my relationships, etc....

It's......well.......simple!

And, I need simple. I need lite. I need smooth. I need uncomplicated.

In this process of asking the Lord His word theme for my life for 2011, I realized that I will be letting Him guide my year in a way that I haven't before because when I focus around a concept, - that He gives me - He truly can take my life and make the plans....FOR REAL!

Does this mean that I won't have any set goals or concrete plans? No, probably not. However, I think the goals will be more focused on my ONE WORD and in THAT I find peace even in the wide unknown.

I was nervous about choosing a word because I didn't want to be directing my own days like I feel I have been so guilty of in seasons past. But then in the process of reading and perusing others' blogs, I came across this line by Alece of Grit and Glory

He is making all things new in me. Not just fixing them. Not repairing, rebuilding, or even renewing. He is redeeming. And making me new.

And I felt it then....the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit...I am making you new.....

I decided to let it marinate inside of me to "make sure" it wasn't just ME, and the today I came across another quote from a song.

"Life breaks and falls apart, but we know these are the places where grace is soon to be so amazing. They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored, but when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord – just watch and see – it will not be unredeemed." - {Unredeemed by Selah}

Again His still small voice....You, my daughter, are redeemed.

My OneWord2011 is REDEEMED.

Dictionary.com uses the following definitions for the word redeem:

re·deem [ri-deem] –verb (used with object)

1.to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

2.to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

3.to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

4.to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

5.to convert (paper money) into specie.

6.to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

7.to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

8.to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

9.Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

I look forward to diving into these definitions and much more. I found another blogger, Hannah, who also chose this word. I loved her post about this and her take and thoughts were so different from mine that I realized that the Father has much to show me....

....and I am excited.....!