Monday, October 31, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 31 - The Pursuit


31 days ago, I embarked on a journey of {RE}discovery.

Longing to find the Father's heart, to understand my Savior's love, and to experience afresh the Spirit's peace, I forged on a path which made me tremble and quake with the potential locked inside of this October month.

I started off pretty scared as to what this journey had to offer, but was quickly reminded that He is truly precious to me.

Within the first few days, I felt discouraged that this journey was futile or uninspired, but eventually remembered that He puts the lonely in families and in friendships.

He taught me to {RE}discover Him in the ordinary and how to let go of my own way/self/desires to open the door for others to come to Him.

And then Day 12, my life completely transformed when I {RE}discovered the source of my tears, the heart of my brokenness, the purpose in this LONG season of pain, and then continued to find that THROUGH this brokenness, I was being made whole.

I learned that I am stronger then I thought I was because through my weakness, He shines through with amazing strength.

He opened doors for me to use my own road of brokenness to encourage others in their hard times. He teaches me to see beyond my own limitations, to look through His eyes -- eyes of faith.

I am learning to dance in the rain -- the circumstances, the trials, the heart aches.

And then God gave me a beautiful gift that I had been longing for for 6 months and taught me how to talk to Him in new ways through the beauty of grace.

He pushed me into the direction of my dreams and His purpose and finding a way to let my skills and passion intersect. And then as I begin to step out into that "sweet spot", disappointments & fears arise, but my life is His, and He is never disappointed in me.

Who knew that in 31 days, I could really {RE}discover so much, and that my life, my heart, my dreams, my vision could be so effectively transformed more into His image, more into His heartbeat??

I am in awe of how when we are ready to meet Him, He is always there willing to capture our hearts once again....waiting with open arms.

“And after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will . . . find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me -- I want you to pursue me." Amazing.
As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted.”
― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart:
Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

Want to start at the beginning??
Click here to read the entire 31 day journey

Sunday, October 30, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 30 - The Disappointing


It hit me like a sucker punch.

"Your writing is not good enough.
What made you think you belonged here?
You are not a writer. You're just a poser."

I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breath
A plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.

Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.

I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.

Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.

Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....

"God appoints people who disappoint to point
to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."

She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?

The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.

Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.

{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.


Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!

The Relevant Conference: Bringing the World Hope through Social Media

Saturday, October 29, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 29 - The Becoming

Written at the Hands-On Writing Workshop in a 5-minute writing challenge.....

Today I feel like I am becoming the woman that I was always meant to be.

I had to go through some headaches, heart breaks, and sorrows to get to this place.

Walking through the valley of shadows almost makes you feel that brokenness has become your new identity.

And then....

Something amazing happens...
A light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope in the midst of despair.

Filled with grace, glory, love, mercy
Shines into your pieces
and somehow puts them back together
Making them beautiful
Better even.

So yeah, I am becoming WHO HE created me to be, and well, I like that.

I am broken.
but I am beautiful.

I am His.
"He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it."

{RE}discovery :: In the process of becoming more like Him, I am finding that questions arise, second guessing, wondering what He has for me, however, I am also finding more and more that as I look to Him, through Him, and in Him, He is my voice. He is my heartbeat. He is my song.


Friday, October 28, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 28 - The Relevant

Time for our favorite time of the week -- Five Minute Friday!!

Let's kick it with -- RELEVANT


What's "relevant" today?
For you?
For me?
For this world, this season, this time that we live in.

How can we continue to be relevant in this hectic, fast-paced, technology-crazed world?
And yet, how can we not?

We can change the world, right?
But how?

Tsh says that when your skill intersect with your passion, you find your element, your sweet spot, your place where you KNOW that you were created to do this, and in that space God smiles.

And I think...THAT is what is relevant to me.

When I see people living THEIR passion, dreaming THEIR dreams...I see Him...I see Him shining through, and I am amazed, drawn, hooked into the possibilities and potential that lies there. I want to be with that person, learn more about them, glean from their knowledge.

I want to walk in passion.
In relevance.
In delight with Him
and His story for me.


{RE}discovery :: He has makes space for my dream, my passions, my desires. In fact, more than that, He plans ahead for them, just waiting for me to catch up and see how much He has in store.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 27 - The Belonging


My journey is not over.
My heart has not been crushed forever.
This season will not last.
The life song will resound again.

This is MY story.
HE is THE author.

He brings me into high places, greener pastures, rivers of living water.

How do I know this?

Because He was with me in the valley of the shadow. He was there when I was broken, lost, scared, hurting.

I am finding Him in ways that I didn't expect. He is restoring what the Enemy thought to take from me forever.
I belong to Him. He is my lover and I am His.

Yes. Tonight I rest in that awareness. How much I am His.

{RE}discovery :: Oh, how I pray that as you read this, you will know it too...whether in the valley or the high place....He is with you to sustain you, to lift you up, to hold your head up high, to remind you that you are not alone.

You Are His.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 26 - The Dream

You are NEVER too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
~C.S. Lewis~

{RE}discovery :: As I prepare & pack for Relevant '11, I can't help seeing God's handiwork, guiding, shaping, and leading me over these past months. I listen to my mom, my dad, my husband, my best friend tell me how excited they are for me. My best friend said, "I'm glad you're going. It is a sign that you are making your way through this phase in your life and succeeding. :-) I'm glad its bringing out the writer in you." After months of walking through a season of loneliness, that I believe the Lord allowed, I am seeing the beautiful light shining at the end of the tunnel. It's delightful!

Thank goodness I've got my new DSLR to capture all the beauty! ;-)


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 25 - The Grace


I stepped out into the crisp, night air pausing for a moment to adjust my eyes to the darkness falling across the farm lands surrounding me. I carefully crept to my car so as not to trip over toys left over from the day's play. I un-shouldered my heavy load, grabbed my keys, my phone, and walked to the driver's seat. I sank into the warmth of the car, and then I remembered,

"My cell died."

My heart sank.
I knew that the next 35 minutes, I would be "alone", cut off from even the ability to communicate, and I hate that. I mean I REALLY hate that.

The home office that I work from is off the beaten path, so the drives back & forth home are usually my time to catch up with my best friend, my sister, or a friend that I haven't connected to in awhile. I'm an extrovert {an ENFJ to be exact}, and I like to fill up as much of my time "connecting with people" as possible or "stimulating my senses" in some way {games, TV, movies, etc}. I try to do nothing alone....I have only recently {past 2 years} found freedom in being alone in my own house.

So when I realized that I would be "alone", I thought,

"Well, I could HIM."

And then a flood of emotions filled me -- anxiety, panic, fear....what will I say? what shall we talk about? why is He so hard to connect to sometimes?

And then....why do I feel this way about the One I love...and more importantly, the One who loves me so very much?

And now shame, embarrassment, & sorrow sting my senses.

And therein lies my problem...a reminder of my turn in this journey, a bend in the road.....

You see....

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 4 years old, and I never really looked back. Truly.

As a kid growing up in Haiti, my mom taught us Sunday school every Sunday morning, and we did devotions every Sunday night. On furlough, we attended church 2x on Sunday and of course, Wednesday night Bible study. As a teenager, add Friday night youth and any activity, fundraiser, event that was planned. As a freshman in college, I longed to connect and belong, and I quickly fell into the same routine -- Sunday morning church, Sunday night at campus church, Thursday night devos with our floor chaplain...and it continued and grew as I became a chaplain {add Monday nights with the campus pastors plus "dorm group" with my head chaplain. My senior year, I became the head chaplain....and get the picture.

This continued after college when I got involved in full time ministry, co-founded a young adult Bible study, took mission teams overseas, in addition to all the weekly church meet ups. As the years have gone by the responsibilities have grown and I have found myself constantly connecting or being connected through some type of meeting, service, small group, event, conference, etc -- you name it {from the church stand point} and I have probably been a part of it both as a participant & a leader.

And then a year ago, my life radically changed.

We took a sabbatical from full time ministry.
We moved back to the home town my parents grew up in.
Arno got a "lay" job.
I focused on my health and took on part time work here and there.
And suddenly my whole identity/connection/relationship with God had shifted.

I didn't know what to make of it at first.
It scared me. Terrified me. Had me shaking in my boots.

What was I now....??
Who was I apart from this ministry persona that has identified from childhood, through adolescence and on into my adulthood?

I found myself in this transitional, disconnected, disoriented state and I felt alone, ashamed, defeated....far from the One Who had loved me my whole life.
And I couldn't pray the same way.
I couldn't read my Bible the same.
I struggled to do "quiet time"
I felt so inadequate.

And yet, my heart, my soul, every fiber of my being cried for the One who makes me complete, so when I would lean into Him, and allow Him to connect to me....I would hear one word....

Grace, my child.

On that dark ride home, these memories, His lessons flashed before me in a few seconds, and I did what He has taught me to do...leaned into Him, fell back on Him.

And I began to dream, to create, to ponder, to my mind, my heart, my soul...and suddenly I knew He was there....actually I should say I FELT Him there because He always was, right?....speaking to me in the way HE made me, the way that takes the pressure, the perfectionism, the performance out of the equation.

I had a beautiful ride with my Jesus. He showed me His heart. I looked at His world {again} with new eyes. He reminded me that I don't have to prove anything, be anything, do anything to be loved.

I simply am.

{RE}discovery :: When I lose my way, get overwhelmed, and feel confused as to how to even talk to HIM, He lovingly, gently draws me back...back into the Arms of Grace -- where there are no schedules, no parameters, no guidelines. Just Grace.

Previous - Day 24 :: The Revealing

Monday, October 24, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 24 - The Revealing

Since finalizing my trip to Relevant {yesterday!!} to leave on Thursday {yikes!!}, I have felt a plethora of emotions -- excitement, nervousness, fear, anticipation, wonder, amazement, and SO. MUCH. MORE!

So even though I am a bit late to the rodeo, I thought I would share with my Relevant roomies {as well as with all of you BEAUTIFUL peeps out there}, a little of what they can expect meeting me IRL.

1. I am SO a people person, but I have been through a challenging couple of years {which you can read about here, here, & here} so I have been a bit gun shy meeting new people. However I am ready to "get back to my old self again." This conference is a big step in that direction.

2. I love learning about people, how they tick, what they love, who they are deep inside, so if you will let me, I will JUST LOVE getting to know you better.

3. I'm kind of quirky {I think}. Being a missionary kid & an ex-pat, my frame of reference is a blend of a few different cultures.

4. I am a night owl, but I am going to try to get to bed "early" because my health is a bit fragile at that moment. We'll see IF that works!!

5. The reason that might be hard is because I hate missing out on ANYTHING. I've got childhood stories to back this up....

6. I love to tell stories, but I will TRY REAL HARD not to "over share". My husband says it's one of his favorite qualities about me, but well, HE LOVES ME! But if you want to know anything...just ask!

7. I am a VERY light sleeper so when I whip out my pink eye mask, ear plugs, and white noise maker, I promise I'm not a diva, just trying to get enough sleep to function like a "normal" person.

8. I am a late night snacker. I know, it is terrible, but with my messed up sleeping habits, my eating habits are off too, and my body thinks it's time to eat

9. I love learning, so during the session, you will most likely find me at rapt attention feverishly writing {instead of typing} because I learn the best with multiple senses engaged.

10. I am a picture fanatic, and I just got a new DSLR {YAY!} so please don't be surprised when I am clicking away. I love candids and I won't publish anything that I wouldn't want published of me! You can trust me on that one!

And most of all, I am just so excited and blessed that I am getting to BE THERE and learn and glean from so many amazing, beautiful, Jesus-filled writers. What a treasure!!

{RE}discovery :: Sharing about yourself, being open, risking what others might think, is well, hard, challenging, heart-stopping even, but when you do take that leap, you just might find the most precious treasures, the very substance that makes HIS heart beat -- people!


Sunday, October 23, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 23 - The Gift


I am going to Relevant '11.
I am going to Relevant '11.
I am going to Relevant '11.

I just have to keep saying it over and over to myself because I can hardly believe it.

Back in March when the tickets first went on sale, people across Twitter and the blogosphere brimmed with excitement. I felt swept up in the excitement too. Being less than a year into my bloggy journey, I had only "heard" about all of the exciting writing or blog conferences out there filled with tips, swag, meet-ups, and much more.

But there was something different about Relevant to me, and I wanted to go.
But the anxieties & worries of the past year, crippled the extrovert inside of me, and I shrank for cover.
"I don't know if I can do it."
"Who would I room with?"
"I don't know how I will feel then -- physically, emotionally, mentally...."

So I didn't. I resigned myself to attending in 2012.

But then....
I started making more friends.
I began to truly feel connected.
Some of my connections were attending Relevant.
I tapped back into my truer "self"

So I put out some shout outs.

And then I tried again.
I missed a few sales.

And then.
A friend connected me to a friend.
Another friend connected me to another.

And now I have a ticket and roommates.
My delight cannot be contained.
Mom, sis, hubby, and bff rejoice along with me.

And in 4 days....
I am going to Relevant '11.

The Relevant Conference: Bringing the World Hope through Social Media

{RE}discovery :: Sometimes it still amazes me how well He knows me, understands me, gets me, plans for me, opens doors for me. I can trust Him. Oh, why do I forget that??

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 22 - The Dance


For the first time in 21 days, I missed a day of posting.


However, I am not beating myself up or scolding myself incessantly
{Yeah...I have been THAT girl....SO OFTEN!!}

My life has become a symphony written TO Grace.

The way she moves.
The rhythms of her essence.
The harmony with which she pulls the pieces together.

And yesterday, I felt bad -- REAL bad.

You see, I have these health issues that I don't talk about a whole lot because well, I don't really know what's up and neither do the docs and well, I just don't often feel like "going there" but sometimes I have a doosey of a day where functioning like a "normal" person, is JUST not in the cards.

So another movement is being written
and I live in the rapture of grace, believing that He has
an answer,
a solution,
and yes....even a miracle for me.

It has changed my life in many ways, but I have learned am constantly learning that His plans and purposes never count me out.

Yes. The picture that is developing isn't not quite what I had in mind.
But I think that it may even be better than I could have imagined.
In spite of the pain.
Heck...maybe even BECAUSE of the pain.

{RE}discovery :: In every situation, He teaches me. He changes me. He molds me to become a little more like Him, to have MORE of His heart, to shine His light into the world. I am learning not just to be content in ALL situations....He is teaching me to dance, even if that is sometimes JUST on the inside!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 21 - The Beyond


Beyond the ordinary.
Beyond what seems possible.
Beyond the ceiling of limitations.
Beyond your wildest dreams.

That is who He is to me.
He is the One who sees beyond what I can see,
beneath the surface of what IS,
behind the walls of darkness that try to swallow whole
our goals
our dreams
our destiny.



When I look through His eyes, love with His heart, walk in His image...
He teaches me to...

to go
the obvious
the hurting
the power
the rage
the desperation.

In myself and in those with whom He places in my path
if I can see beyond,
if you can view beyond,
just imagine with me
the beauty
that COULD be
the wonder that is in store
when beyond our human understanding
we see the purpose He has planned

Beyond our human imagination....


{RE}discovery :: I am on a 31 day journey of {RE}discovering Him - His purpose, His heartbeat. Wrapping my mind around His BIG-ness, the magnitude of His power & love, gives me a new glimpse into WHO He is and WHO I can be IN Him.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 20 - The Value


I had a great night tonight meeting new friends and getting reacquainted with old ones.

My cup runneth over.....

I have been {RE}learning a lot about personalities and how they affect relationships
{thanks to another new friend -- love you, Kamille}.

And I will probably write more on that before this series is over, but for today, because I am a bit tired from the spending of words tonight, I am going to share others' words that make me remember what I love about friendships, meeting people, connecting
....and get the idea!


I know I did!!

{RE}discovery :: The value that friendships add to our lives cannot be put into words. They challenge us. They teach us. They stretch us. They encourage us. They show us HIS heart, another aspect of His nature lies in each person. I think that is pretty beautiful, don't you?

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