It hit me like a sucker punch.
"Your writing is not good enough.
What made you think you belonged here?
You are not a writer. You're just a poser."
I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breathA plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.
Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.
I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.
Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.
Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....
"God appoints people who disappoint to point
to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."
She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?
The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.
Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.
{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.
Why?
Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!
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