When the Word for This Season is "Hold On!"

It has been four weeks since our {foster} baby, Little Man, left us.

A very, LONG, four weeks.

Two weeks ago we got a beautiful long afternoon visit with him and bio dad.
This was glorious.
This was hard.

I do not know if I can do "just a visit" again
And yet...I know in my heart, I would never say no to seeing that precious face.

Every day I pray for him, long for him, sing over him in spite of the miles that separate us.
I pray for his healing, for his heart and mind, for the miracles concerning his life...and ours...that the Lord has promised me. And recently, I started praying for bio dad and bio mom, for their full restoration emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I am believing for redemption to be all over this journey.
I am believing for things that the natural eye cannot see.
I am believing for this story...and all the characters involved...to shout the fame of Jesus Christ.
I am believing for a life song of His grace and glory.

I am believing for the radical.
Not because that is my nature
Or because believing this way comes easy.

I am believing this way because Jesus asked me to do so.
Because He placed this overwhelming momma heart in me.
Because He told me that our stories are not done being intertwined yet.
Because HE WILL NOT LET ME.....LET GO.

And how that would be easier...
to shut this door,
to cry and ache and grieve,
and then to just move on with our lives.

But HE will not let me.
He Will Not.

So I sit here
in the tension of the waiting
not knowing exactly HOW I am supposed to walk this road.

"I'll teach you..."
He whispers to my soul in the darkest night.

And each day I check in again...
"Still, Jesus? How much longer?"

His heart smiles and breathes new strength for this day into my weary soul.
"Hold on, baby girl, hold on.  Just a little bit longer.  Just a little bit more."

It's a Wonderful Life :: Childlike Faith

My ALL-TIME favorite Christmas movie hands-down is It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart's rendition of George Bailey and the subsequent characters his life impacts tug at my heart strings every time. I am always reminded what a powerful force each of us can be in the lives of others.

For Christmas, my mom bought me the DVD, because believe it or not, I still had the VHS version! ;-) And Netflix isn't giving up the goods quite yet. When I opened the present, there was another fun treat in there, 52 Little Lessons from It's a Wonderful Life by Bob Welch. He visits fifty-two various themes throughout the book that challenges us in our faith in God and how we live that out every day.

So I had a light bulb moment!

Why not share one of my arguably favorite movies of all time with you, on a weekly basis, all year long based on the short principles in this book.

So every Monday, I will bring to you in short, encouraging post, a new principle to focus on and be encouraged by for that week, hopefully, to inspire you {and me!} to realize that it REALLY is a wonderful life.

Lesson #1 :: Childlike Faith

Clarence, he is George's angel in our story. He is getting sent down on his first assignment, hopefully, to get his wings. The higher ups do not think much of Clarence's brains, but they admire his faith like a child. Although Clarence may not be the best angel around according to all the "angelic societal norms," he has a heart that has gained him the recognition of the higher-ranking angels who decide where the second-class angels get sent on assignment.

I love to live life with the heart of the child, to approach every situation with raw honesty and joy.

Welch says it like this, "As children, we are not jaded by the sophistication of the world.  We're real. We're humble. We're willing to admit our needs and trust that others can help us. We're unpretentious and adventurous. We're lighthearted and imaginative. And we're fearless, willing to take a risk."

But like most adults, I, too, forget to put adventure, imagination, and fearlessness at the forefront. I, we, live life safe, guarded. Welch said that we even "hide our needs from others." Guilty as charged. And finally, instead of approaching God with simplicity, without guile, complicated thinking gets in the way like trying to work out my salvation and problems all on my own....on our own.

If we can approach life a little more like Clarence, imagine how different life would be.

1 Corinthians 1:27 - "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

I spent the afternoon on Sunday learning about the life of Randy Pausch and listening to his final Carnegie Melon lecture on Achieving Your Childhood Dreams.

 

If you want the ten minute condensed version, you can click here, but if you have time to soak in the hour and fifteen minute lecture, you will seriously NOT be sorry.

If there is a man who embraced life with childlike wonder, it was Randy Pausch. I am thoroughly challenged.

May you find the kid in your soul and the laughter in your moments as you trust the Father with the faith of a little child.

Unwrapped :: When One Shines Brighter

One hour delay.

 I indulge in a two-second inward groan before I turn to Arno and say, "I saw a food court around the corner. Want to go see if anything is open?"

We find a Dunkin Donuts still alive and kicking and order "The Ravens" donuts and smoked sausage sandwiches. Arno jokes with the twenty-year-old server and asks him what his dream is. I love watching my man in his element, how he pulls the potential out of those to whom he speaks. It is really beautiful.

We settle down in the awkward airport chairs to await the arrival of my missionary parents, enjoying our midnight feast. I love moments where we can connect one-on-one when we did not expect to, talking about random topics and making up stories about the people meandering by.

Time ticks by and my attempt-at-subdued excitement finds me up every twenty minutes to see if the flight is still on time until finally the words LANDED greet my eager eyes.

We walk over to security to stand with the throng of waiting family and friends also not-so-calmly-on-the-inside longing for a glimpse of their special someone.

Passengers trickle around the corner from the secret passageway where things like boarding and deplaning happen. I watch the expectancy on the faces around me and then the disappointment when their special someone is not in the current throng making its way down the corridor.

Until suddenly, "Beth!" a woman screams as she runs into the arms of her friend or sister, telling someone lurking close by how they have not seen each other for six months.

I smile at the sight. My heart knows that feeling.

Two girls stand with their father. One is about six and the other ten. Expectancy written all over their faces, looking like they would burst from the sheer anticipation looming at the end of the tunnel.

"ME-HA!!" they squeal with absolute delight as they run down the hallway to hug their grandmother.

A lump forms in my throat as I try to decide who is happier: the kids or the "me-ha." I remember that moment when I was a little girl. Some of my favorite memories wrapped up in airport reunions.

Finally, I see them.

MY people.
The two white-headed dreamers,
Home for Christmas,
From their ongoing forty year journey to the island of Haiti.
In that instant, theirs are the only faces that I see.
My heart is filled with joy.

I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time.

I am in awe of the awareness inside of me that God delights in me with that same focus.
That same intensity.
That same squeal of expectation.

He SEES me.

And...
...He sees you too.

Signs. Balloons. Screams. Ecstasy.
You were born for this relationship.
To be captivated in that movie moment by the One who loves you more than life itself.

Every time we come back home to His heart.



Linking up with Tuesdays Unwrapped, Imperfect Prose, and Thought-Provoking Thursday.

Unwrapped :: Still Faithful

My week has been filled with snot tissues and pine needle throat and hacking up a lung coughing
A lot.
Of all of the above.

I have been inside of these four walls for days now.
Life has felt very small.
And slow.
And still.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this yuckiness, I spent an hour on the phone with my dear pal, Annie, cause after all there is only SO much quiet an extrovert can take pine-needle throat and foggy-bottom head notwithstanding.

Saying no to the things on my plate this week were not easy.
I am too hard on myself apparently.
That is what my dad always told me.
And he is right.

But I feel like I am still learning how to give myself grace.
Even when I know I probably let some people down or disappointed them or slacked on my "duties."
This years-long journey of listening to my body and not being superwoman often finds me frustrated with my own inability to cope with the changing seasons of this life.

"What do you mean I cannot say yes to everything and everyone all the time? 

Is there something TRULY wrong with that?"

I am daily letting go of perfectionism, only to...and let me be REAL honest here...turn right back around and pick it back up two seconds later. C'mon. The fact that it is two WHOLE seconds now is a miracle in itself. I used to have Olympic gold medal winner speed in grabbing that perfectionism close to my breast.

I am a work in progress.

A song and verse come to mind swiftly as I type those words...

♫ He's still working on me.
To make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week
to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
He's still working on me. ♫

He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it...

Philippians 1:6

I have been thinking a lot about what next year holds.
The horizon looks long and wide and while that should be is exciting,
to tell you the truth,
I am terrified.

I feel underprepared and that is never happiness for a girl like me.
But this week reminded me that sometimes I have to be alone and still and quiet to remember who He is even when I am not actively seeking to know. He is faithful to show up and to change me and to complete the work He starts and to give me the tools I need when I need them.

So I am tenderly, with trembling hands, unwrapping the gift of His faithfulness in the smallness of my week.

Linking up with Tuesdays Unwrapped, Imperfect Prose, and Thought-Provoking Thursday.

31 Days of Story {Day 28} A Hard Lesson In Forgiveness

It was 1999, and he was my best "guy" friend.

We hung out mostly in a group of 8-12 friends. We were a tight crew. But he & I had a special connection. He was witty & sarcastic & boyishly charming. I was analytical & strong-willed & intellectually-challenging. Everyone knew we had a unique friendship, but it was "purely platonic."

No. Seriously. It was.

Was, that is, until that summer.
The summer after he broke up with his girlfriend from back home.
The summer we hung out in Maine with our friends.
The summer that everything changed.

We crossed the boundaries of friendship, and things would never be the same again.

At first it was thrill-me-to-my-toes exciting.
We were "us" but now.... MORE!
And it was fun!

But then, real life happened.

We went back to college, back to classes, back to our normal routine.

And she came too -- his ex.
She was now a part of "our" world.
THAT was not supposed to happen.
My world was spinning

Suddenly, he pulled away from me. He needed space from both of us to figure things out. It was hard, but he was my friend, right? So I wanted to give him room to grow and to know his own heart & head.

Then one day the bottom fell out of our relationship.
 In one day my heart broke.

He knew my schedule, so he had been avoiding me, although I hadn't realized that at the time. He didn't count on my meeting being cancelled that night. He didn't plan for me to be in the cafeteria a little later then usual for supper.

That's when I saw them.

The two of them.

Together.

I guess he "figured it out" without telling me.

I couldn't understand.
My mind did not want to register.
Why would he lie to me?
He is my friend.
He WAS my friend.

If Taylor Swift had been selling albums back then, THIS would have been the time to blast one of her angsty love break up songs....

These words pounded over and over and over in my head...

I'm not his choice.

I'm not good enough,

pretty enough,

smart enough,

I'm not ENOUGH!

And HE LIED TO ME!!


That is the moment the darkness crept into my soul, my very being. As the days passed, I would wake up each morning in such agony and pain and HATRED. I felt betrayed, abandoned, stupid, faithless, ignorant, unwise, alone. The feeling in my gut was like someone was daily twisting my intestines. I know that sounds intense and dramatic, but I felt like I was walking in a fog. I would read Scriptures almost mindlessly to just "stuff the Word" into me. I would get ready for the day and just beg the Holy Spirit to help me.

But nothing seemed to work. I would cross paths with him. Or her. Or him & her together. I tried to face things. I tried to let it go. I tried to "get over it!"

But the anger seemed to just build and build and with that the shame. 

How could I let this happen?
How could I be so stupid?

And the bitterness just increased.

Months passed, and one day, I went to a revival service. I don't remember what the message was about or anything that was said in particular except the invitation to the altar at the end. I went forward and I felt that tugging at my heart strings.

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go.

And instructions followed.

Write him a letter. Write her a letter. Ask them for forgiveness.

WHAT, LORD? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! There is NO WAY! I didn't do anything wrong. He blatantly lied to me, and she rudely ignores me. I am the one who has a RIGHT to be angry.

And the quietest of whispers....

Haven't you held anger, resentment, & bitterness in your heart against them?

Well, yeah, but THEY don't know that! I have been nice.

My child....Forgive.....

That night, I sat down at my computer, feeling compelled by a power larger than myself to such an extent, that I knew if I did not obey, the sky was going to open up and lightening would strike hard.
Not to punish, but to get my attention....

"Hey, girl! I'm talking to you...!!!"

So with trembling fingers, I typed out my battle-worn apologies.

{Photo Credit}

It was hard.

It was real.

It was honest.

The next morning, I went and dropped them off at the campus post boxes.

When I walked out of the CPO that day, it was the funniest thing. I am THROUGHLY convinced, the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the bird-song was sweeter, and there was a spring in my step.

Something amazing happened.
Something surprising and wholly miraculous
Accepting God's forgiveness and requesting it in return from others with NO AGENDA resulted in this beautiful thing...

Freedom!

Forgiveness set me free!!

"Therefore if the Son makes you free, 

you shall be free indeed."

John 8:36

From the archives -- 2/24/2011

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31 Days of Story {Day 23} When you realize that He's got you

Making decisions, especially BIG, life-changing ones, has always been hard for me.
Terrifying.
Dramatic.
Traumatic, even.

"What if I make the WRONG choice?"
"Maybe my plans will mess everything up..."
"This decision could change the ENTIRE COURSE OF MY LIFE."
"How can I be trusted with this amendment of EPIC proportions?"

Senior year was no exception.
Colleges.
Road trips.
Transcripts.
Applications.
Essays.
Financial Aid.
Scholarships.

Moving. Away. From. Home.
AGAIN.

Finally I landed on Oral Roberts University after painful, tear-filled grappling with my own inner voice of confusion.

In August of 1996, we packed up a 15-passenger van filled with boxes and things-that-make-a-dorm-life-liveable and travelled the 1,300 miles across the country from East Coast, USA to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Somewhere around Ohio, I felt panic set in.

"Mom, how do we know this is the right decision? What if this is the wrong one? How are we going to pay for this? I didn't get that BIG scholarship we were counting on! I do not know if I should....if I CAN do this."

And my ever-practical mom, with infinite wisdom and experience at handling her dramatic, artistically, temperamental daughter AND having already kindly and mercifully fielded MANY such panic attacks ALL SUMMER LONG, said, "Well .... you are going for one semester now at least. We are halfway there."

And with that, I moved on to Claudius 6.
On the day the elevator broke.
Or at least was slower than the building of the Ark.
After my mom had sprained her ankle less than 24 hours before.

Dad, Sis, and I unpacked the entire 15-passenger van and hand-carried every bit of my belongings up six flights of stairs while my mom unpacked and began to make my room homey.

Oh, I remember those nerves, climbing the stairs, feeling every bit of the missionary kid that I WAS, running into to other students and parents in the hallways, awkwardly making connections, hoping I was not the only one who felt so ridiculous and stupid and embarrassed.

"God, what am I doing here? I do not belong here. I will never fit in. I am just a little missionary girl. People will never 'get' me. I will stand out like a sore thumb. FOUR YEARS?!? There is just NO way. I don't even know if I can do ONE semester."

And then I met her.
Doing her job in the succinct, precise way that I would come to know... and love.
My RA.

Bloodine.

The ONLY Haitian resident advisor on the entire campus.

Yes.
That's right.
Did you catch that?

THE.
ENTIRE.
CAMPUS.

Crazy, right?

I mean...what?!?!

And suddenly, I knew.
She was my fleece.
My gift.
My olive branch.
My reminder from Jesus.

"I've got you, baby girl. This whole deal is NOT random. I have planned every detail."

She became a lifeline to me in that year.
Her background.
Her major.
Her direct way of telling me what I needed to hear.
Her patience in listening to my NEVER-ending inner sagas.

I do not know WHAT I was worried about.

"When you move to the right or the left, 

you will hear a voice in your ear saying,

 'This is the way...walk in it.'"

Isaiah 30:22

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Also....joining Heather at Just Write.

Dear Me....

Hey, you!

Yeah, you with the curly permed hair, nose in the latest Francine Rivers book, and 16-year-old angst.

I know you live in a world of romantic dreaming and counting-the-days-til-you-see-your-American-friends again, but I want to give you a little advice to help you along the path you are about to take. I know you will listen with rapt attention. You like to have guidelines and road markers along the way. And since Dad raised you on SciFi, your own voice from your future will intrigue you. I will try not to give TOO much away though. You will need the lessons learned from embracing adventure and unknown to make it through your journey.

So, here goes...

You know when Uncle Mike reminded you to "Bloom where you are planted" when you were thirteen? Hang on to that. It will help you in the cross-continental moves you are going to be making in your life, but wait...let's not get ahead of ourselves.

When Mom and Dad let you decide if you want to stay in Haiti with them for your senior year or to go live in America with Aunt Bonnie, it will be the hardest decision of your life to date. But can I tell you something right now? You WILL make the right decision. That decision will ground in you an understanding of how to hear God's voice for yourself for THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. You will be scared. You will want Mom and Dad to tell you what to do. They won't. But they will help you make pros and cons and talk through both options. You will not realize how hard this is for them for a long time, but say thank you anyway to them for trusting you with your own life at 16. It REALLY is a big deal!

Pssst....I have a secret to tell you. That guy who you have had a crush on for, like, 3 years now, he is going to ask you to the youth group banquet and soon after become your FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND! Sqeeeee!! I know! Super exciting, right?

Enjoy that relationship. He really is a great guy. No, I mean REALLY. You will not realize how great then, but most 17 year old boys are not that mature and kind and respectful.  Dating him first will help you through the ups and downs of dating in the future.

I am not going to tell you WHO you are going to marry or WHEN it is going to happen because you would NOT believe me anyway. But I will tell you this ::

your forever love story will rival fairytales. 

And that is the truth! Just do not compromise along the way. You will NOT regret it!

You are tender-hearted and deeply sensitive. You often hate this about yourself and will spend a lot of hours agonizing over being this way. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know Dad tells you this a lot. He is right. That "weakness" is one of your greatest strengths and will help more people than you can imagine right now.

And that dreamer-girl inside of you? That part of you is NOT childish or immature. She is exactly who God wants you to be. Don't turn her off or shut her out. And if you forget, and do it anyway. Please do not be afraid to invite her back in and give her a room again. She needs a lot of space and you have plenty of room in your life for her and the practical-girl on your shoulder.

I know you are self-conscious about your pale skin, freckles, and lack of curves {and that will change...a little at least}. One day you will be thankful for those things. I know you are making a face now. I am serious though. Freckles will keep your face young and those straight-figured genes will keep you the same size for almost 15 more years, and that is definitely a plus. Most importantly though, day by day, begin to embrace your own skin. It will be a lifelong journey but you will find more beauty than critique when you do.

I know right now, you are being flooded with more emotions that you can possibly handle all at once. Embrace them. Lean into them. Please do not run from them. You have more strength inside of you than you can possibly imagine and your heart will lead you WELL more often than not.

I also know it has been hard being a missionary kid and for years you have dreamed and even demanded of God to live in America as a grown up. He hears you. He truly does, but He has bigger dreams for you than you can even dream for yourself. Enjoy the ride even when it looks "different" from your plans. And one day soon, you are going to dream of traveling the world. I know it is hard to believe right now, but it is going to be a BIG dream for you.

You have loved Jesus since you were 4 years old and really are a very good girl. You see the world in shades of black and white. But very soon, the grays will start to appear. It will scare you BIG TIME and you may even feel insignificant in the process, but hold on, baby girl, it is God's grace shining through to you from those black and white space bursting open your worldview. He will never stop teaching you about grace and one day you will truly bask in the world of kaleidoscope shades of beauty. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. He loves you. And that is enough. Remember that your freshman year in college when you feel like a fish out of water. The insecurities will not last forever. And you are going to make some of your very best lifelong friends there. Oh...it is going to be so much fun!

Mom often says, "Be true to yourself and to the Lord." That will become a mantra in your life. You will need that reminder in hard decisions when others do not see where you are coming from. I know how hard that is for you. Oh I really do. But live by her words and you will see that grace I was talking about.

In the next couple of years, your teachers and professors as well as Mom and Dad will highlight gifts in you that you do not see in yourself -- teaching, writing, speaking. Listen to them. They all have wisdom and life experience that will mold you into what you need to become.

Make a difference in the life of a child whenever possible. This is going to shape you in ways that will surprise you and endear you to kids wherever you go.

Keep your tender heart for Jesus. Keep treating everyone with respect and equality. Be confident in who you are. You are a natural leader, and your Holy-Spirit-led guidance will serve you and others well.

Granny always calls you JOY. Hold on to that even in your darkest days. The devil will try to steal that from you, but it is your gift, your lifeline, your hope for the future.

I know that you see yourself as "just a missionary kid" but that perspective is going to change the world around you everywhere you go. So be yourself. Always.

"You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important."

Yeah, you...we...still hate bad grammar but this is from a movie coming out in about a decade from now {Go see it!} You will love the heart behind it...and grammar errors and all...you are ALL of these things!

I know you hate BIG change. THAT will never change, but please try to learn to let go a little and just fly. Your wings are large and beautiful. You are an eagle. Do not settle for less.

Love,






P.S. You know that pack rat tendency you have. Keep it. It will drive Mom and Future Husband a little batty, but your nostalgic heart will thank you over and over again. Especially on a day like today, writing this letter, reading your 1995 journal.

P.P.S. That secret love of dancing you have had since you were 2 years old. Do something about it. It will be one of the best decisions ever!

~  ~  ~

When I saw the challenge from Emily to write a letter to our teenage selves in honor of the release of her new book, Graceful, I wanted to do it, but then I felt intimidated and really did not know what to say. But I eventually sat down and started writing. Sometimes you think you have nothing to say until you just write... and you realize how full your heart really is. Would you like to share a letter to your teenage self? Please do. And then head over to Emily's space, Chatting at the Sky, on Friday {tomorrow} and link up your letter and read all of the great advice from some amazing women{and men} walking this road of grace just like you{and me!}. Oh and check out the Graceful trailer right HERE!

In the Tension of the Waiting

I mean to write more each week.
Like I used to.

I blame it on summer. On foster care prep. On planning fundraising for Haiti. On spending time with my family before they return to their life-long mission home.

Next week will be better...
When things slow down, my heart and soul will spill words out like wet paint from a fresh can's tip....
Once the summer is over, my schedule will get "back to normal"....

And on and on it goes...this big top mental circus filled with merry performances merry vying equally for immediate attention. And somehow my soul shrinks from the cacophony. I need stillness and silence, not in reality per say, but in the recesses of my being.

You know... where deep calls to deep.

But I often fail at allowing my heart and my soul and my mind to halt and to "go there" ....
Because it is scary and it is raw and it needs work.

How do you bare the broken before the healing is complete?
How do you show the scars when tomorrow they might break bloody again?
How do you give of yourself when "getting TO Him" seems a feat equivalent to rescuing the princess from the clutches of the fiery dragon?

Inside I feel small.
Insignificant.
Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers....

Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly.
Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style.

The once-too-broken-to-ever-think-she-could-be-filled-again girl inside of me flaps her wings with impatience while the Great Physician holds still the body of that broken soul, willing strength into the bones for the latter to be greater than the former before letting the full expanse of the newness fill the sky.

And in the waiting, the girl both heart of warrior and heart of a child reaches to her Daddy, whispering words of longing and regret, sorrow and angst, desperation and pleading, forgiveness and surrender.

Where do we go from here?

Will I ever be ready again?

Am I forever to be waiting in the wings?

Where are you in your journey of waiting, of longing, 

of wanting to burst into your dreams, of feeling insignificant? 

What specific Scripture, mantra, prayer, promise 

do you hold onto in those moments? 

If you have none, feel alone, or simply long 

for the extra lift in this moment and space in time, 

would you slip your words into a comment 

or even in a private e-mail in the Contact Me link. 

I would love to share the broken moments with you 

and agree with you that God DOES 

have an answer just for you in the midst of it all.

When Faith Looks Like Wet Feet

"Faith isn't faith 

until it's all you are holding on to."

My mom used to describe it as "holding onto Jesus for all you are worth."

I have never really thought of myself as a "great woman of faith."

I am analytical, skeptical, thoughtful, curious.
I am a plan-your-chess-moves-20-steps-ahead-girl. {If I even played chess that is...}
I seek understanding, purpose, meaning behind every life event, people interaction, and random nuance.

"Lindsey, you cannot know the end before the beginning..." 

Another pearl of wisdom from my mother....she knew at a young age, when I would analyze her attempts at comforting, that parenting a child like me would require creativity, skill, and A LOT of wisdom from Jesus.

I just wanted to know. . . . . EVERYTHING!
I still do.

From grade school to college, that voracious appetite for knowledge served me well with teachers and classmates alike. Dubbed "The Sponge" by my college professors at graduation, I plunged into real world living with the same thirst for insight.

But how do you live out blind faith and trust in God with such a desire to dissect and master every morsel, every scrap, every particle of data?

In the wake of a now-looming decision last week, I found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, and disillusioned with my own feelings, fears, understandings, and timelines of our current journey -- foster care.

The longing to pursue this ministry gave birth in my heart more than two years ago. Yet my own current hesitance as well as pressure to receive cases.....children before certification is finalized, house details are arranged, back up care is permitted and a thousand other details leave me feeling lost in an avalanche of unexpected emotions, clawing their way through my already-fragile soul.

Brokenhearted at the path's unfolding,
Longing to find peace in the chaos,
Desperate to understand as well as be understood,
I sought refuge at my church's monthly week-long prayer meetings.
On the very first night.

Pouring out my soul to the Father,
I confessed my guilt and condemnation over not having the faith I have seen in the Word.
Faith like Paul to stand before kings.
Faith like Peter to walk on water.
Faith like David to face the giant.

And then....
Just like a whisper, breathing life into my bones like a sunset ocean breeze...

He said,
"Faith isn't always in the big moments. In the grand gestures. Faith does not always have to look like jumping in the deep end. Sometimes faith is just being obedient like Moses to stand before a nation of people, step into the water from the shoreline, and believe that somehow, some way, there will be a pathway through that Red Sea."

To step in, even ankle deep, in front of other people knowing you might fail, or look stupid, or be drowned by the enormity of the obstacles in your path, well, let me say...it takes the breathe right out of my heart.

Yet, somehow.....
Where I am weak.
He is strong.

Because as I step in faith,
He holds the water back,
keeping me dry.

The threats might still surround me.
I mean, imagine how Moses and the Israelite people must have felt with gigantic swells of moisture roaring as wall-like monsters to the left and to the right of them. They had to trust that God would fulfill His promise to take them to the other side.

The first step might not have seemed like that big of a deal. After all he was just sticking his toes into the water. But just like "the first cut is the deepest," the inaugural step of faith into every new endeavor takes faith that only God in His infinite wisdom can impart into your bones.

So where do I go?
Back to Him.
Back to my knees.
Safe in the shelter of His wings.
Even as my feet start to get a little wet.

Project 365 :: Day 219-238

A few weeks of planning for a gala, visiting with out-of-town friends, a 50th birthday party, prayer with my church, and lots of normal days in between filled with ups and downs and moments living life out loud.

Thanks for taking this ride with me....

Day 219 :: Chillin' after Insanity

#MyHardWorker 

 Day 220 :: Sporting my 80's inspired stylings

Day 221 :: Summer fun polish from Essie and Klout 

Day 222 :: Hanging out with two of my best girls {Mom and Sis} 

Day 223 :: A little stop at Tom & Jerry's for a LARGE coffee

for my love on our way to a meeting 

Day 224 :: Happy 50th, Uncle Ranny!! 

Day 225 :: These pretty purple flowers surprised us by

flourished unexpected on the little bushes on our back yard hill 

Day 226 :: Sis and I had lots of errands to do prepping for the 

fundraising gala for my parents ministry in Haiti. It took us 

ALL over, including this road in between two corn fields! ;-) 

Day 227 :: I forgot to take a pic on this Tuesday, but this one is 

from the next day. Patches had her first bath EVER and she really hated it!

REALLY HATED IT!!

She finally stopped crying once I wrapped her in a towel and held her close. 

Day 228 :: About once a week, I make Arno protein fruit smoothies 

after his Insanity work outs. #Mhmmm They are so good!! 

{if I do say so myself}

Day 229 :: To Haiti, With Love - A 40 Year Journey into a Heart of a Nation

Celebrating 40 years of marriage and ministry in Haiti

as well as a fundraising gala to build on the future years to come 

Day 230 :: Spent the weekend with some amazing out of town guests

whose visits are too few and far between...this is me and sis with

our Haitian-missionary grandma at Assateague National Park.

#LoveHer

Day 231 :: Chillin' with my adoptive niece, Bella-Joy 

Day 232 :: Generations...making friends

Day 233 :: After a challenging Monday, this is exactly where I 

needed to be -- prayer time at my church - Answer the Call 

Day 234 :: So these are the kids that I nanny 1 to 2 days a week.

This is them "Walking Me To The Car"

Hahahahahaha

And yes...they seat-belted THEMSELVES in!! 

Day 235 :: My dad "serving" my mom

Such a humble guy!

Hahahahaa

Day 236 :: "Our" boy hanging out in our back yard

#ThisMakesMeHappy #LoveItWhenHeVisits

Day 237 :: Prepping to make some choc chip cookies

with a little Heath bar thrown in for good measure

Day 238 :: A rainy Saturday

I'm on a journey, chronicling my life with a picture a day for a year. I hope to discover the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learn more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments.