When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of it All

Maybe you just lost someone.
Someone you loved with all of your heart.
Someone who meant the world.
Someone whose presence the world is now oh-so-empty without.

Maybe the dream that you have longed for
The one you imagined as a little girl
The one that would make life just perfect
Has all but broken your blooded hands
As the doors have slammed over and over again.

Maybe you just feel desperate
The walls are closing in
The bills are piling up
Your health and mind are not what they should be, what they used to be
You wonder if healing and breakthrough will ever come

The kids have destroyed the house, the car, the yard, the neighborhood.
The man you loved, and to whom you gave half your life, walked out the door
The woman who pledged I'll-keep-your-secrets-and-you-keep-mine friendship just broke your heart
The believers, the brothers and sisters of His body, turned their back on you in your hour of need.

When life is just so hard
And you wonder how to make sense of it all.

Cry.
Cry hard and deep and long and good.

Run.
Run fast and strong.
Beat your chest.
Raise your fist to the sky.
Shout up at the heavens
and scream, "Why?"
Fall into a puddle.
and cry some more.

Sit with your grief
Your questions
Your anger
Your heartbreak
Feel them deep
Deep into your soul
In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep

Embrace your sorrow
Your should-have-beens
Your wish-it-could-haves
Your want-it-back-that-way

And cry.
Cry some more.

Let yourself mourn.
Give space to be broken
Let go of perfect
Release the noisy pressure of "Its-time-to-let-go!!" pounding in your head
Breathe deep again.

Grieve hard and strong and long, if needed.
Throw out the timelines.
Forget the try-hards.
Abandon should-bes.

Let yourself be human
Real.
Raw.
Afraid.
Honest.
Broken.

Scream into the pillow
Or punch it.
Let the rage run its course.

Walk out into the crisp cold night.
Let the tears come
Draw ragged breaths over and over again
Let your soul mourn.

Cry again.
A lot.
Until you think there are no tears left to cry
And then ...
Cry some more.

And day-by-day
As you let the anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration out,

Breathe in grace and truth and love and mercy

Let it wash over you

Let the contours of your soul find rest

A 

little

more

each 

day.

Exhale hurt.

Inhale grace.

Exhale heartache.

Inhale joy.

Exhale injustice.

Inhale mercy.

Exhale brokenness.

Inhale healing.

And one day...

you will begin to see

that the grace....

....outweighs the sorrow.

May it be well with your soul

As you plumb the gaping depths of your brokenness.

May the warrior be the child

As you crawl into the arms of the Father.

May your scars remind you that you are real

As you see the miraculous signs of healing.

May you be patient with your heart in the process.

May you find refuge in the shelter of His wings.

May you know how desperately you are loved.

May you feel Him wipe every tear from your eye.

Also linking with Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, and Duane 
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.
So thankful for places like these to share our words...

Releasing To The Fall

I have long had a fascination with personality types, even as as child I think, though I may not have understood exactly what I was analyzing at that point.

The natural bent towards psychology in my undergrad probably seemed natural to most people, because of this, although I still waited 3 semesters before choosing it. AND then I added communications, too, double majoring. Somehow ONE interest alone did not fill my quest for knowledge and understanding.

I am sure that plays into my temperament as well.

With all the ways to chronicle character traits, long my favorite, Myers Briggs is the one that I continue to come back to because the more I read about myself and those closest to me, the better I understand them. The more I seem to "get" people around me. The world just makes a little more sense.

The Teacher.
The Giver.
The Mentor.
Depending on which site you come across describes the ENFJ.
Me.

I get lost in the accuracy of these descriptions and true to my personality, find a deeper understanding as well as REAL LIFE application the more that I learn....soaking up the knowledge like a sponge.

My friend, fellow-blogger, and partner ENFJ, Kamille, started off her most recent blog post about her newest family addition like this...

"I'm a natural optimist with a slight worry, anxiety prone bent. Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. What has saved me over the years is knowing Jesus. Ever since a small child I've been drawn to his goodness that never fails. I've instinctively believed in who he said & says he is."​

I felt myself exhale when I read her words.

"I am not alone in this paradox of trust and worry, joy and fear, love and hate."

It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future.

I often find myself frustrated and prepared to pay penance for my dichotomous ways, especially in the wake of the ongoing traumas of the past few years {Haiti earthquake, unknown chronic illness, 4-year-plus-infertility journey, etc} where my fears and anxieties show signs of dominating the person I once knew and loved within myself.

So bottom line, setting aside the circumstances of LIFE, living in this polarity is well....HARD.
VERY.
VERY.
HARD.

To describe a daily need to stop and remind myself to breathe deep in-and-out like a motivational exercise video would not be an exaggeration.

It seems the older I get to more I realize, like Kamille, that I need Jesus.
Desperately.
Unequivocally.

And serving Him is often like a roller coaster ride with no harness, straps or seat, blasting into the sky, cannon ball style screaming and grasping for something to hold onto.

And when I look with spirit-eyes, there He is.
My Jesus.
Laughing.
Wind in His hair.
Flying high with me.
Arms around me.
Whispering...
"I've got you, babe."

There in that moment.
I learn ALL OVER AGAIN
To just let go.

*photo credit*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Melaia turned to the waterfall
and watched the droplets
form, gather weight, and splash down.
Only in releasing itself to fall
did the water offer its cleansing gift." ~Karyn Henley, Breath of Angel

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Five Minute Friday :: Risk

I haven't seen the movie Brave yet, but I have this feeling....
I'm Gonna Love It!
{I mean, she has red hair after all!}

*photo credit*

No but seriously, there is something so thrilling about taking a risk, stepping away from what you have always known, recognizing the dreamer inside of you and leaping out in faith.

But now for the truth....

Being brave is not as easy the older you get. In fact, somehow it only seems to get scarier and scarier. The boogey men hiding in your closet are real, and those firefly dreams do not always come true.

At least not the way you planned.

And somehow THERE in THAT...in that unplanned, unscripted, unexpected place, the real live grown up big girl risk-taking comes into play.

Will you trust that HE knows better, loves deeper, plans farther into every intricate step of your future?

Will you be BRAVE?
Will I?

I am flying out in a few hours {currently 1am EST} to spend a week in Haiti

with my parents and my sister assisting with ministry 

as they wrap up for the summer.

Your prayers for traveling mercies and blessings 

throughout the week would be 

SO greatly appreciated!!

Five Minute Friday: Do you TRUST me?

I wrote unedited and free yesterday for just a little while.
I felt clogged and overwhelmed and I heard the voices of Lisa-Jo, Emily, and Mary like a mantra in my head, "Turn off the noise -- all the social media," "Set a timer," "Shut off the editor in your head."

So I did.
For 20 minutes.
I purged my soul.

I haven't posted those words here in this space yet. Honestly, I haven't even gone back and read them. I just needed to get it out. The hundreds and thousands of words that block my heart and soul to the point of complete distraction and....I just can't seem to take it anymore...

So I wrote out the deep, the marrow, the sacrifice of me.

And in this pilgrimage of trying, understanding, feeling, clawing my way through the murky waters, there is something deeper, something harder, something important that beckons to the deepest hurt, the loneliest pain, the hardest sorrow...

"Do you trust ME?"

On Fridays, I join with Lisa-Jo and these amazing word weavers who throw caution to the wind and just write, unedited, uncaged, unstoppable, for just 5 minutes. Have you every tried? You should join us! It will AMAZE you what comes out...even if you don't have a blog...even if YOU think YOU are not a writer....Will you take the plunge this week??

Five Minute Friday: Roar

I am woman hear me ROAR!

That is the first phrase that came to my mind hearing the prompt today.

It's kind of funny actually because I have walked through a journey of several years feeling like anything but the King, ahem, Queen of the Jungle.

But this year, God has transformed me, redeemed me, and now is taking me on a relentless quest to the depths of His love, the width of His grace, the boundlessness of His mercies.

I am thrilled for this pilgrimage, willing my mind to get lost in the rapture of knowing Him more. Longing to stand on the precipice of "those" moments in life and belting out that raging ROAR....

Because He is alive IN me, THROUGH me, ON me....
Because I have a purpose, a destiny inside of Him
That matters
That matters.

I am woman. Hear me ROAR.
Yeah.....
....I guess I am.


Wonder what this Five Minute Friday thing is all about? Well, here it is...in the words of The Gypsy Mama herself.

"The first Friday of the new year.

Let’s do it. Let’s just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Let your mind and your words and your heart fly free; wild – no editing, no over thinking.

Won’t you join me?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – don’t edit; don’t second-guess.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Must: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready?"

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 24 - The Revealing

Since finalizing my trip to Relevant {yesterday!!} to leave on Thursday {yikes!!}, I have felt a plethora of emotions -- excitement, nervousness, fear, anticipation, wonder, amazement, and SO. MUCH. MORE!

So even though I am a bit late to the rodeo, I thought I would share with my Relevant roomies {as well as with all of you BEAUTIFUL peeps out there}, a little of what they can expect meeting me IRL.


1. I am SO a people person, but I have been through a challenging couple of years {which you can read about here, here, & here} so I have been a bit gun shy meeting new people. However I am ready to "get back to my old self again." This conference is a big step in that direction.

2. I love learning about people, how they tick, what they love, who they are deep inside, so if you will let me, I will JUST LOVE getting to know you better.

3. I'm kind of quirky {I think}. Being a missionary kid & an ex-pat, my frame of reference is a blend of a few different cultures.

4. I am a night owl, but I am going to try to get to bed "early" because my health is a bit fragile at that moment. We'll see IF that works!!

5. The reason that might be hard is because I hate missing out on ANYTHING. I've got childhood stories to back this up....

6. I love to tell stories, but I will TRY REAL HARD not to "over share". My husband says it's one of his favorite qualities about me, but well, HE LOVES ME! But if you want to know anything...just ask!

7. I am a VERY light sleeper so when I whip out my pink eye mask, ear plugs, and white noise maker, I promise I'm not a diva, just trying to get enough sleep to function like a "normal" person.

8. I am a late night snacker. I know, it is terrible, but with my messed up sleeping habits, my eating habits are off too, and my body thinks it's time to eat

9. I love learning, so during the session, you will most likely find me at rapt attention feverishly writing {instead of typing} because I learn the best with multiple senses engaged.

10. I am a picture fanatic, and I just got a new DSLR {YAY!} so please don't be surprised when I am clicking away. I love candids and I won't publish anything that I wouldn't want published of me! You can trust me on that one!

And most of all, I am just so excited and blessed that I am getting to BE THERE and learn and glean from so many amazing, beautiful, Jesus-filled writers. What a treasure!!

{RE}discovery :: Sharing about yourself, being open, risking what others might think, is well, hard, challenging, heart-stopping even, but when you do take that leap, you just might find the most precious treasures, the very substance that makes HIS heart beat -- people!

Previous - Day 23 :: The Gift

Next - Day 25 :: The Grace

You Are Irreplaceable!

I had only been married 6 months, and I began to feel insignificant.

No one told me what a crisis of identity a woman can often face when she is Mrs-So-and-So instead of the Sassy-and-Single-yet-Confident-Woman I had worked years to cultivate.

Now I was a wife.

I felt boring and redundant, not striking or special.

And to top it all off, with my new husband joining the ministry team at church, he could do everything that I did {and better}, not to mention the office assistant that I had been training for a couple of years who could mimic my admin skills almost to a tee.

I felt irrelevant, insignificant,VERY REPLACEABLE.

I went to the visiting female minister, and she prayed for me and challenged me not to be in competition with my husband.
Wow!
A hard pill to swallow, but ultimately wasn't that what I was doing??
I didn't want to do that. I did NOT want to be "that girl."

I wanted to be an AH-MA-ZING wife - this ideal I had in my mind that a WIFE was supposed to be - heck, I might have even been working towards Stepford.

Except.

I don't have a formal, Stepford, sweet, perfectly-presented personality.

AT. ALL.

And even when you know this proving-yourself-competitive-attitude is wrong, how do you change it?

Then one day, about a year after we were married, Arno's spiritual father spoke a word into my life that radically transformed my present and would forever shape the way I viewed myself in my marriage.

"Lindsey, you are NOT called to be everyone's wife; you were called to be ARNO's wife."

So simple, but what a revelation!

What my husband's needs are may not be another husband's needs therefore the title of "wife" in my house will look very different to the next person.

And I realized that this bled over into every relationship in my life - no one could be ME better than me. Nobody could fill the role that God had called me to fill BUT me. Even if someone is more beautiful, more talented, more successful, more whatever, no one....and I mean NO ONE....can replace me.

Because my worth and value come from the Father who placed me in seasons, in situations, in relationships.

HE. PLACED. ME.

I am irreplaceable.

And so are you, my dear, precious friend.
You are the ONLY one who can love your children the best.
You are the ONLY one who can take care of your husband the sweetest.
You are the ONLY one who can hold your friends' hand in the middle of her circumstances the way that YOU do.

You are the ONLY you that the world will ever know!

You, my amazing, awesome, breath-taking pal, are IRREPLACEABLE!

"Use the talents you possess for imagine how silent the woods would be if the only birds that sang were the best."

My Eyes Look to the Mountains

Everyone has a favorite "something" in nature, besides humans & animals, of course -- beaches, stars, trees, sunsets, etc.

Well, my favorite thing is mountains, with a close second being a sky filled with stars. The reason I love mountains, and stars for that matter, are because I realize every time I seem them just how AWESOME and POWERFUL God is and just HOW small I am.

And I NEED that....

I need to know that I am not here -- on this earth -- by some random chance or freak of nature. I want to know that everything...and I mean EVERYTHING....has a purpose, even when I cannot comprehend "WHY?".

This is the view that I grew up seeing every day on "my" little island of Haiti, about the size of Maryland, my home state, and whenever I come home to visit, this view never gets old and NEVER ceases to remind me of his BIGness and Strength in my life and in the lives of the people around me. I mean, just look at this picture. There is a lot that needs "fixing" in the foreground. And, there are sometimes more questions than answers, more problems than solutions.

But then this verse came to me again today. The one that always does when I see mountains....and remember WHO HE IS and who I am in the scope of that

HIS -- unequivocably.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

So I am lifting them above what I SEE with my own eyes and looking beyond circumstances into His eyes, His plan, His heart.

I heard a quote one time that I really like that says, "When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

I am trusting in what I do not know and what I cannot see today.

Trusting His heart is FOR me....always!

And by the way....that promise is for YOU, too! Won't you look up today and see His face, His love, His heart moving on your behalf??

A Year of Winter

It has been one year since I have seen spring.

One year of fall, winter, and then, fall and winter again {due to our hemispheric move at the time when spring would have begun in South Africa}.

While autumn is my favorite season, it IS a season of dying, albeit brilliant, yet it still leads to death.

So to go through back-to-back "dying & death" seasons physically and metaphorically, spring, this year, holds more excitement, meaning, and purpose than ever before.

But maybe not for the reasons that I hoped it would be....announcing an addition to our family. While that isn't the promise of THIS spring, IT DOES hold lots of promise.

How do I know this?

As we commemorate Jesus being risen from the grave almost 2,000 years ago today, I was reminded of how through His death, LIFE came -- physically in His body, but in an even greater way, spiritually in US!

My cats lived in Africa with us and so were also a part of this seasonal anomaly that was our reality, and today they lavished in the warmth and sunshine.

Morris didn't even want to come in all day...literally!

As I sat outside with them, I pondered the "season" we have been through, the miles we have traveled, the stresses we have weathered....And while I certainly don't have all the answers for this current season or the ones to come......I thanked God for spring, for resurrection, for new life, for redemption {my OneWord for this year, by the way}.

Billy Graham once said, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future."

And really with the future in HIS hands, what more can I ask for, right? Hahaha!

Oh, Lord, I trust in you. I know that my future is in Your hands. I know that You have THE ABSOLUTE BEST for me. I know that Your love for me knows no bounds. And yet, I know that my will falters, my heart fails, and my worries of the future get the best of me sometimes, so TODAY....AGAIN....I accept, I receive, I embrace Your AWESOME grace. And I commit to put my trust in You daily as you pour out your new mercies each morning. Thanks! You're the Best!

What If Blessings Come In Disguise?

I don't think Abraham's story truly held me in the grip of understanding until today.

Don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to understand this great man of faith or hold myself in comparison to his journey, however, I think I "get" him, just a little better since traveling through these past few years of TTC (trying to conceive).

Today I read Abraham's testing of faith concerning his promised son, Isaac, with new eyes today, and I wondered, "How did Abraham feel? What emotions coursed through his veins in this story that is surmised in one chapter of our modern day Bibles?"

So if you will travel this path with me, here is what I imagine the emotions and thoughts behind the scenes to have been like....

One day the Lord came to speak to me. I always love when He speaks to me....but this day was...well....different...just check it out....

"Abraham! Abraham!"

"Yes, Lord! I am here!"

"Take your son, Isaac, the one you love SO VERY MUCH, to sacrifice him on the mountain I will show you as a burnt offering to me."

"Yes, Lord!"

Did I just say 'Yes!'? What is the Lord asking of me? How can I give my boy, my son, my source of blessing BACK to the Lord? How can I kill him with my own hands? Why is God asking this of me? Didn't I wait long enough for this precious boy? How can God end it like this? But what can I do? I will put my trust in the Lord that His plans are best, but He is going to have to give me strength to do this.

The journey took us 3 days. Isaac was so willing, so trusting. I felt like a traitor. I mean, I AM HIS FATHER. He is supposed to be able to trust me. He doesn't know what the Lord is asking me to do. When he asked me where the sheep was for the burnt offering, I told him that the Lord would provide. Oh, I pray that I am not lying to my son.

When we arrived at the place that God had sent us, I built an altar. The whole time I was building, I thought surely the Lord has another plan, another way. I felt anger, bitterness, resentment, vying for first place in my being, but I fought them. "My Lord, I trust in you."

Then came the moment when I had to put my son on the altar. His face.....I will never forget the face....the way he looked at me with fear and questioning and yet he said nothing. As tears poured down my face and his, I told him, "You are the sacrifice that the Lord has asked for." I picked up the knife while my hand trembled. Could I really do this? How would I explain this to Sarah when I got home? I had to be done with it.

"I love you, son," I sobbed as I raised the knife to pour my son's blood.

At that very moment, I heard his voice again, "Abraham! Put the knife down. Don't harm your son in any way. I see your heart is for me, even to the point of giving your only son."

Then God provided a ram, and Isaac and I sacrificed it. I called the place "Yahweh-Yireh" - "The Lord will provide." Oh how Isaac and I laughed, danced, and rejoiced in the presence of the Lord and in each other's embrace.

Then this is what the Lord said to me,

"Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and sand on the seashore. Yours descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed --all because you have obeyed me."

Yeah. That was quite a day - a day for the history books. I wanted to write it down because I don't know yet WHAT it means or what God is going to do, but He is amazing, and I thought you should know.

This song has been resounding in my heart and spirit over the past few days, and I have been wanting to share it here, but hadn't found quite the words to go with it.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is

the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?"

I think this is what happened to Abraham....the longing, the waiting, the desiring led him to a place where only God's love & grace could satisfy, no matter the cost.

I, too, am on this journey, and to be honest, I am scared to pieces, but like Abraham I want to declare, "YAHWEH-YIREH - My God SHALL supply!"

So I will just put one foot in front of the other, and maybe some days, I will sit down and cry, and other days, I will fight on, trusting that His blessings may be in disguise along the way.

And you know.....I sure don't want to miss those.

Zechariah 9:11-12 (New Living Translation)

11 Because of the covenant I made with you,

sealed with blood,

I will free your prisoners

from death in a waterless dungeon.

12 Come back to the place of safety,

all you prisoners who still have hope!

I promise this very day

that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.

Join me at the jam....






*Story of Abraham & Isaac adapted from Genesis 22
*If you would like to know Laura Story's personal testimony behind the above song, check out this clip:

Father Knows Best

Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

I was listening to Joseph Prince today, and he reminded the congregation of this Scripture.

And it made me think.

Pleasing God.....

Hmmm.....

But doesn't He just....LOVE ME??

I thought on that for a bit and this is what I came up with.

When you are close to someone, like your husband, your mom, your sister, your best friend, you expect them to trust you when you share something important, to understand your point of view, to believe that your heart & intentions are honorable, etc.

But when your words, heart, or motives are misunderstood or mistrusted, you feel hurt.

So trust is like faith, right?

We please God when we have faith because we are saying, "I trust you. I trust your plans for me. I trust this journey that you have me on. I trust that you are in this with me for the long haul."

So when doubt creeps its ugly head in, we find ourselves rejecting the very one who gave up everything, literally everything, for us.

This past year, trusting in God has been HARD-er for me. I am a "why" girl and those whys have only become more and more incessant.

~Why are all these earthquakes happening, including the one in Haiti?

~Why did my parents have to go through that after all of their commitment to the Lord all these years?

~Why has this physical unknown in my body become a reality that I must face?

~Why have Arno & I struggled to get pregnant?

~Why are we in this hiatus period from full time ministry?

Why? Why? Why?

I don't have the answers for all of the above questions, but this verse and these thoughts reminded me again of how faith and trust in Him and HIM ALONE are the ONLY way to go.

And I get it. He is pleased when I put my hope and trust in Him because it means that I am surrendering MY will, MY way, MY agenda to Him.

And Father really does know best.....

....at least THE Father. *wink*

I Put My Trust In You

Some days I feel paralyzed with fear...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I am overwhelmed with life...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days the future seems like a scary dark tunnel with no light...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I feel like a failure...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I wonder "why" {A LOT}...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I feel like I am losing it...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I REALLY DO lose it...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I just need grace, grace, and more grace...

...I put my trust in You.

Psalm 136:1

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.

His love endures forever.

When God Writes Your Story

This post is inspired by Sara Markley writing at (in)courage today about trusting God to write your story, even when it doesn't turn out like YOU thought it would.

I have had a very angry-at-times-but-mostly-keeping-at-arms-length connection with God over the past year or so, as I realized that if I was honest with myself, I am NOT where I thought I would be at 32.

I remember thinking one day, "I would hate to have to talk to my 21-year-old self because I think she would be disappointed."

I do realize that other people looking at my life, might not think that. I am married to the love of my life AND I have travelled to quite a few countries AND even lived in a couple of them long term. I have worked in full time ministry for over 10 years and loved people until it hurt. Just to name a few of the amazing blessings in my life.

And yet.....

In the past two years, Mom & Dad were in the Haiti earthquake of 2010, my health has been a MAJOR issue, my husband & I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, and we are taking a "time-out" from full time ministry among other "things" that I could list.

Some days.....well, honestly....every day, I have to remind myself that HE doesn't make mistakes. He is not abandoning me OR punishing me. He doesn't love me less than the next girl because I am not a biological mommy yet or because I am not ministering full time at the moment.

But am I happy with MY STORY?

That is a loaded question for me. I have realized this past year that happiness is overrated, and that my joy is ONLY made complete in Him, through Him, by Him, & ultimately FOR Him.

So no, I am not "happy" but I HAVE TO/MUST DO/CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT daily looking into His face and finding where the source of my "joy" rests - HIM and ONLY HIM.

At the end of 2010, I realized that there was a message that my Father was so desperately trying to speak to me.....GRACE! GRACE! GRACE!

Grace for the journey.

Grace for my weaknesses.

Grace for the world around me.

Grace to see WHAT HE SEES when He looks at me, when He looks at people.

So when those words of doubt, failure, regret, shame come....EVERY DAY.....I just remind myself to accept his grace all over again!

And IF He is great enough, faithful enough, merciful enough to give me such unmerited favor, how can I NOT trust HIM to keep writing my story?

How do you feel about where your story is NOW? Do you trust Him to keep writing your story?

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,

the master calls a butterfly

~ Richard Bach

We'll Be Okay! {Happy Birthday, Dad}

"Although, for a father there is no difference between a daughter and a son, still there exists something that makes the relation between a father and his daughter very special.

So many men and women have tried to imprison the essence of this relationship in words and the result was some very remarkable father daughter quotes and sayings.

A father knows that his mirror image i.e., son can, somehow, survive in the harsh world that exists on the other side of the doorstep. Father, being a man and once a child, knows through his personal experience, what is waiting for his son. However, he can not fathom and understand, being a man, how his little daughter is going to fare and face the realities of life. This makes him insecure and this feeling overshadows his relationship with the daughter. It makes him protective towards his daughter. For him, she never grows up and is always, the small girl who depended on him to fix a broken hand or a leg of her doll and fought with her brother to sit on his prized lap."

~Buzzle.com

Growing up in Haiti, the political climate there was always somewhat tumultuous. At the age of 8 years old, my understanding of that, albeit limited, was keen. We lived in Port-au-Prince just off of the main drag, close to the heart of the city and near to "the action" that often took place.

One particular day, there were boisterous demonstrations happening on that main road about a quarter mile from our house. Wanting to ensure our safety, my dad walked to the top of the hill to find out the nature of these demonstrations. We lived at the mission compound on the 3rd floor of the 3 story building, which also held a church & a school. The grounds were our personal playground, and we would often spend hours there. In the midst of our play, we became aware of the noisy demonstrations and that my dad was going to check it out, leaving the safety of the secure complex.

We ran to the gate of the property, but the security guard wouldn't let us past the gate because of course we WANTED to follow my dad and be where he was.

My sister was 4 at the time, and she was quite scared.

She kept asking me, "Where is Daddy? Where is he going? Why is he going up there?"

It's funny to me reflecting back on that memory because I can remember feeling NO fear in that moment.

Thus, putting on my big sister hat, I put my arm around her and said, with complete confidence, "Don't worry, Kasi! He'll be okay. He's Daddy!"

I think, like many little girls, I believed that my dad was invincible, like Superman.

As I got older and real life awareness kicked in, I still always knew that when my dad was around, we'd be safe. The reason I think that I knew this so well, is because my dad trusts in HIS Heavenly Dad for his life, my mom's, and for ours as well as the people God has called him to.

My dad knows that we'll be okay because HE {God} is the BIG DADDY!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I love you,

Settled

May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones.

—Mother Teresa

In His Grip,