I have had a very angry-at-times-but-mostly-keeping-at-arms-length connection with God over the past year or so, as I realized that if I was honest with myself, I am NOT where I thought I would be at 32.
I remember thinking one day, "I would hate to have to talk to my 21-year-old self because I think she would be disappointed."
I do realize that other people looking at my life, might not think that. I am married to the love of my life AND I have travelled to quite a few countries AND even lived in a couple of them long term. I have worked in full time ministry for over 10 years and loved people until it hurt. Just to name a few of the amazing blessings in my life.
In the past two years, Mom & Dad were in the Haiti earthquake of 2010, my health has been a MAJOR issue, my husband & I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, and we are taking a "time-out" from full time ministry among other "things" that I could list.
Some days.....well, honestly....every day, I have to remind myself that HE doesn't make mistakes. He is not abandoning me OR punishing me. He doesn't love me less than the next girl because I am not a biological mommy yet or because I am not ministering full time at the moment.
But am I happy with MY STORY?
That is a loaded question for me. I have realized this past year that happiness is overrated, and that my joy is ONLY made complete in Him, through Him, by Him, & ultimately FOR Him.
So no, I am not "happy" but I HAVE TO/MUST DO/CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT daily looking into His face and finding where the source of my "joy" rests - HIM and ONLY HIM.
At the end of 2010, I realized that there was a message that my Father was so desperately trying to speak to me.....GRACE! GRACE! GRACE!
Grace for the journey.
Grace for my weaknesses.
Grace for the world around me.
Grace to see WHAT HE SEES when He looks at me, when He looks at people.
So when those words of doubt, failure, regret, shame come....EVERY DAY.....I just remind myself to accept his grace all over again!
And IF He is great enough, faithful enough, merciful enough to give me such unmerited favor, how can I NOT trust HIM to keep writing my story?
How do you feel about where your story is NOW? Do you trust Him to keep writing your story?
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly
~ Richard Bach