Thursday, February 24, 2011

When God Writes Your Story

This post is inspired by Sara Markley writing at (in)courage today about trusting God to write your story, even when it doesn't turn out like YOU thought it would.

I have had a very angry-at-times-but-mostly-keeping-at-arms-length connection with God over the past year or so, as I realized that if I was honest with myself, I am NOT where I thought I would be at 32.

I remember thinking one day, "I would hate to have to talk to my 21-year-old self because I think she would be disappointed."

I do realize that other people looking at my life, might not think that. I am married to the love of my life AND I have travelled to quite a few countries AND even lived in a couple of them long term. I have worked in full time ministry for over 10 years and loved people until it hurt. Just to name a few of the amazing blessings in my life.

And yet.....

In the past two years, Mom & Dad were in the Haiti earthquake of 2010, my health has been a MAJOR issue, my husband & I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, and we are taking a "time-out" from full time ministry among other "things" that I could list.

Some days.....well, honestly....every day, I have to remind myself that HE doesn't make mistakes. He is not abandoning me OR punishing me. He doesn't love me less than the next girl because I am not a biological mommy yet or because I am not ministering full time at the moment.

But am I happy with MY STORY?

That is a loaded question for me. I have realized this past year that happiness is overrated, and that my joy is ONLY made complete in Him, through Him, by Him, & ultimately FOR Him.

So no, I am not "happy" but I HAVE TO/MUST DO/CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT daily looking into His face and finding where the source of my "joy" rests - HIM and ONLY HIM.

At the end of 2010, I realized that there was a message that my Father was so desperately trying to speak to me.....GRACE! GRACE! GRACE!

Grace for the journey.

Grace for my weaknesses.

Grace for the world around me.

Grace to see WHAT HE SEES when He looks at me, when He looks at people.

So when those words of doubt, failure, regret, shame come....EVERY DAY.....I just remind myself to accept his grace all over again!

And IF He is great enough, faithful enough, merciful enough to give me such unmerited favor, how can I NOT trust HIM to keep writing my story?

How do you feel about where your story is NOW? Do you trust Him to keep writing your story?


What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly
~ Richard Bach


Weekend Bloggy Reading

13 comments:

bahava said... Best Blogger Tips

ohhhh this hits my heart hard. such loaded questions and topic. and oh how my heart resonates with the if I were to talk with the 21 or 18 year old..i think she'd be disappointed. yet it's like you said a daily reminder that God is in control and to take hold of the grace and love He offers.
so in short...how do i feel about where my story is now? i'm trying, i'm learning, i'm desperate to be okay with it and to embrace it and love it.
do i trust Him to keep writing it? trust just happens to be my little 5 letter word for the year and that's what i'm setting out to do...to trust Him at all times.

it's one of those things where i can't become too introspective about or i'll go down those bunny trails of doubt, failure, regret, shame...
so hello trust.

Tobi@SimplyJesus said... Best Blogger Tips

Wow! This blessed me so much. My Story...hmm if I think about it too much, then no I am not overly pleased with parts of my story. I mean I would have never thought that I would still be single at 37... good grief that is hard to even type that, but like I said.. I am not overly pleased with "parts" of my story, I am so blessed in so many other areas that I just focus on those and try to let Jesus be in the driver's seat. Some days it's easier then others but then again what is the worst thing that happens.. I live a life loved by the creator of the universe, my King of Kings and Lord of Lords!.. and really does it get any better then that? :)

Renee Ann said... Best Blogger Tips

I have felt what you are feeling, and I appreciate how you have opened your heart here in spite of the vulnerability that required. My story has not turned out like I thought it would. And there are days when I don't see any reason why. So those are the days I have to do whatever it takes to remind myself that God delights in me and loves me . . . Praying peace for your heart and continued joy! Blessings!

Angie Neal said... Best Blogger Tips

I just love reading your blog. Your heart is so open and beautiful. Thank you for sharing honestly, you'll never fully know how encouraging it is.

Stephanie said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, Lindsey - your heart is undeniably beautiful.

Have you read the "Christy Miller" series by Robin Jones Gunn, by chance? If I read them now, I probably would think they were silly...but it was a Young Adult series of books that I loved as a teen.

There is a phrase in the book that the main character uses to describe herself and her friends - "peculiar treasures." For some reason, it reminded me of you just now. (And that's a compliment).

P.S. I just prayed for abundant GRACE (and a baby) for you.

stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

patchofheaven said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks for sharing your own personal adventure with Grace. It will probably last your lifetime, don't you think? =) The older we get, the more Grace becomes clear, in my own opinion and experience! I loved reading this post, and plan on reading a bit more of you. (I just scribbled you down on my "good blogs list...) Met you through Amanda's link-up, but I see you're an (in)courage follower too! May you be filled with more blessing than you can hold this year. -- Ruth

Amanda @ Serenity Now said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, Lindsey, it seems you are not alone in your thoughts today. I hadn't really ever thought about sitting down with my 16 year old self until reading this. I think, on some level, I'd be impressed (b/c I married a man I had a crush on since I was 4) ;) ....BUT on other levels, I would be very very disappointed. The grass is always greener on the other side. I've found that once I reached a goal or two, they were as wonderful as I thought they'd be. :s

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

Lindsey,
This post is beautiful in that it is honest, and spoken from your heart. I too struggle at times with accepting God's grace with all the ups and downs life has to offer. I'm so sorry you have been having a difficult time conceiving. I can't imagine living with this cross. I have some resources you may be interested in concerning infertility as I am a Natural Family Planning instructor. If you are interested in finding out more please contact me through my blog's "Contact Me" page and I would love to email you websites and resources. Please know that I know fertility issues are very personal and I don't want you to think I am trying to get into your personal life especially since you don't know me. But, I may have information to share that you may find helpful. Thank you again for sharing this post and your heart on NOBH!

Lindsey V said... Best Blogger Tips

@bahava
Katy, I am so glad that this touches you. As you say, these are loaded, challenging questions. What a beautiful word for the year - TRUST! And that is it isn't it? Trusting with ALL your heart and not leaning on our own understanding! Oy vey! That, in and of itself, is the challenge too! Believing for you in THIS season of your journey!

@Tobi@SimplyJesus Oh, Tobi! I truly feel your struggle and your desire to focus on the joys He has given you and not the longings that you have. I know that feeling all too well. I applaude your heart and your striving to be HIS first and foremost!

@Renee Ann Thank you, Renee, for the encouragement. I like how you said that you do "whatever it takes to remind myself that God delights in me and loves me..." Wow! What a beautiful image and best of all, pure truth! I appreciate your kindness and prayers!

Lindsey V said... Best Blogger Tips

@Angie Neal Oh, Angie! Every time you expresse these thoughts to me, it warms my heart way deep down to the core! It seriously takes my breath away to know that God could use this story...these words to pour HIS grace into another one of His precious children. My cup runneth over....

@Stephanie
Mark Twain once said that he could live a year on a good compliment. Your words are that kind of a compliment to me. You are so introspective into other's personalities and heart, and your words are truly specific and personal.

And I SO get it...my kindred spirit friend....and I love it - being a peculiar treasure! It sounds like something you would discover on an adventure for buried treasure...FUN!! {Although I have never read the books, but I think I would like them...probably even now!}

And mostly...thank you for your prayers!

@patchofheaven Oh, Ruth! So sweet of you to say that about your blog list! Thank you! And yes, I agree! I feel like grace becomes more and more precious to me as the years go by. Thank you for the visit and the blessing.

Lindsey V said... Best Blogger Tips

@Amanda @ Serenity Now Oh, Amanda! How precious that you had eyes for your husband from the time you were 4 years old. That is SO precious! And you are right! When God opens doors that we have been waiting for, they are often EVEN BETTER than we ever thought they could be!


@Tracy
Wow! Thank you, Tracy, for your generous heart and kind understanding. I will probably take you up on your offer. Sometimes the information and "to dos" can be so overwhelming that I have to take "what to do next" in doses but I like that you are taking a natural approach which is what I am definitely interested in.

Lindsey V said... Best Blogger Tips

@Angie Neal Oh, Angie! Every time you expresse these thoughts to me, it warms my heart way deep down to the core! It seriously takes my breath away to know that God could use this story...these words to pour HIS grace into another one of His precious children. My cup runneth over....

@Stephanie
Mark Twain once said that he could live a year on a good compliment. Your words are that kind of a compliment to me. You are so introspective into other's personalities and heart, and your words are truly specific and personal.

And I SO get it...my kindred spirit friend....and I love it - being a peculiar treasure! It sounds like something you would discover on an adventure for buried treasure...FUN!! {Although I have never read the books, but I think I would like them...probably even now!}

And mostly...thank you for your prayers!

@patchofheaven Oh, Ruth! So sweet of you to say that about your blog list! Thank you! And yes, I agree! I feel like grace becomes more and more precious to me as the years go by. Thank you for the visit and the blessing.

patchofheaven said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks for sharing your own personal adventure with Grace. It will probably last your lifetime, don't you think? =) The older we get, the more Grace becomes clear, in my own opinion and experience! I loved reading this post, and plan on reading a bit more of you. (I just scribbled you down on my "good blogs list...) Met you through Amanda's link-up, but I see you're an (in)courage follower too! May you be filled with more blessing than you can hold this year. -- Ruth

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