I'm Holding Love in My Arms Tonight

I've written this post in my head dozens of times over the past ten weeks, my little boy.

The way the milk gathers on your lips and oozes on my shirt as I pull the bottle from your sucking lips as sleepy eyes give way to dreams unknown.

The way I cheer with true joy at each inch and ounce because I know how important your growth is to this body diagnosed with disease and serious prognosis.

The way my heart feels sad as you move from 0 to Number 1 diapers as I know that that phase is over never to be repeated again.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Your laugh and smile are memorized in the caverns of my heart.
The nuances of your face filled with curiosity and expression amuse me to no end.
Your hands and feet kick and flail with life and a desire to move and to grow and to be MORE than this moment.

I see this little boy and I see the little man and I see the man I know you will be.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Foster Daddy prays over you to have a different spirit.
My heart leaps with that prayer, and I pray deep too, that you will not be like the world, not go through a boys-will-be-boys phase, not be influenced by culture or generational curses.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Your very existence in my world has rocked me to the core.
Jesus is challenging every fiber of my being to give and to love and to sacrifice more than I ever thought possible.

You, my sweet boy, are calling out the mother in me to depths and heights that beg to be plumbed, where words are no more.....just love.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Tears stream down my face because in the eyes of the world and the law, I have no right to hold you and to love you and to long for you to be my very own.

But this love defies the laws and rules that this world has established.
Especially to this woman, this foster parent, this mom of yours, who had very clear guidelines of how she felt her family should be formed and prized pregnancy as the end all for womanhood and motherhood.

And then God placed you in my arms
In my heart.
In my blood.

You may not have grown sinews and bones inside of my mortal body, but you grew security and joy in the recesses of my heart long before I knew you were even being formed and shaped.

You came into this big, wide world on Valentine's Day.
Two months later, you landed without warning into my carefully constructed world.
Two months more and your path and mine may diverge again.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

I know not what the future holds.
I know not where I fit into your future.
I know not if I will see you grow from infancy to boyhood into a man.
I know not if you will ever see these words, much less know my name.

I only know that you have pulled love from my the deepest corners of my heart and life that I worried would never have life.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

You gave me the gift of motherhood that defies logic and critics and the way of the world.

In mothering you, I often felt, "I was born for this..."
In the face of saying goodbye I know I was born for this too.
Born to love you in a way that only a mother could....in the ups and downs, longing for your best, even as my heart squeezes through the grinder.... never to be the same again.

I love you.....
Not because you came from my earthly DNA
but because God wrote YOUR name, my boy, on MY heart before the foundations of the world.

And I will ALWAYS be YOUR mother...in the eyes of the One who placed you in my arms for this season....however long that may be.

I do not know what tomorrow may bring.

Pain and sorrow
or
hope fulfilled.

So....I'm holding love in my arms tonight.
And will hold you, Little Man, in my heart forever.

P.S. You can count on that.  Jesus made sure! ;-)

Unwrapped :: Open-Handed Love

Most days it sounds more like the booming bass of an African drum than the steady ticking of a reliable timepiece.

Thirty-four years of tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock....resounding louder and louder as each day passes.

I have always believed that God has a plan, His own timing for our lives.
Sometimes it just seems CRAZY slow.

I try to focus on the positive, 

but it is hard when little things derail me,

Especially the knowledge that so many friends my age are attending middle school concerts or at the very least kindergarden ones.

My friend, Holley, says we are all on a one lane track, not competing against each other, measuring mile markers at the same checkpoints.

I love that.
It reminds me not to focus on that "I'm getting behind!" feeling.

Which I do.

A LOT.

Yet. The pounding, booming pulses in my head reminding me that I am getting older every day. That my body is not what it used to be. That my curves have not yet held life and time is slowly but surely moving to the point on the scale where the hours are not on my side anymore.

I think that is what I appreciate about my friend, Emily.

I work for her.
She is a Mary Kay director, and I assist her a couple of afternoons a week -- office work, graphic design, babysitting, car pooling, getting dinner prepped, basically whatever she needs during those hours.

Her kids have crawled their way into my heart. 

Jake Ray is 6, almost 7.

Olivia will be 3 in two weeks.

There is play and laughter.
Negotiation and discipline.
Imagination and discovery.
Games and tears.

They know me well now...enough to push the boundaries to see how far they can go...we have our "moments" together.

But they love me.
And I love them.
Very much.

You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly.

She lets them love me and have a relationship with me
And not just me
But others too
Whom they both love JUST as freely.

Today
as I danced with them in front of the spotlights in the yard, making monster shadows on the house as their parents put up Christmas decorations, I felt thankful to be given this gift from two grown ups who themselves know the deep anguish in waiting in a world that is seemingly leaving you behind.

And I want to remember this open-handed holding in which they love their kids
Inviting others into the joy.

This is how I unwrap the gift of today...

Dear Me....

Hey, you!

Yeah, you with the curly permed hair, nose in the latest Francine Rivers book, and 16-year-old angst.

I know you live in a world of romantic dreaming and counting-the-days-til-you-see-your-American-friends again, but I want to give you a little advice to help you along the path you are about to take. I know you will listen with rapt attention. You like to have guidelines and road markers along the way. And since Dad raised you on SciFi, your own voice from your future will intrigue you. I will try not to give TOO much away though. You will need the lessons learned from embracing adventure and unknown to make it through your journey.

So, here goes...

You know when Uncle Mike reminded you to "Bloom where you are planted" when you were thirteen? Hang on to that. It will help you in the cross-continental moves you are going to be making in your life, but wait...let's not get ahead of ourselves.

When Mom and Dad let you decide if you want to stay in Haiti with them for your senior year or to go live in America with Aunt Bonnie, it will be the hardest decision of your life to date. But can I tell you something right now? You WILL make the right decision. That decision will ground in you an understanding of how to hear God's voice for yourself for THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. You will be scared. You will want Mom and Dad to tell you what to do. They won't. But they will help you make pros and cons and talk through both options. You will not realize how hard this is for them for a long time, but say thank you anyway to them for trusting you with your own life at 16. It REALLY is a big deal!

Pssst....I have a secret to tell you. That guy who you have had a crush on for, like, 3 years now, he is going to ask you to the youth group banquet and soon after become your FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND! Sqeeeee!! I know! Super exciting, right?

Enjoy that relationship. He really is a great guy. No, I mean REALLY. You will not realize how great then, but most 17 year old boys are not that mature and kind and respectful.  Dating him first will help you through the ups and downs of dating in the future.

I am not going to tell you WHO you are going to marry or WHEN it is going to happen because you would NOT believe me anyway. But I will tell you this ::

your forever love story will rival fairytales. 

And that is the truth! Just do not compromise along the way. You will NOT regret it!

You are tender-hearted and deeply sensitive. You often hate this about yourself and will spend a lot of hours agonizing over being this way. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know Dad tells you this a lot. He is right. That "weakness" is one of your greatest strengths and will help more people than you can imagine right now.

And that dreamer-girl inside of you? That part of you is NOT childish or immature. She is exactly who God wants you to be. Don't turn her off or shut her out. And if you forget, and do it anyway. Please do not be afraid to invite her back in and give her a room again. She needs a lot of space and you have plenty of room in your life for her and the practical-girl on your shoulder.

I know you are self-conscious about your pale skin, freckles, and lack of curves {and that will change...a little at least}. One day you will be thankful for those things. I know you are making a face now. I am serious though. Freckles will keep your face young and those straight-figured genes will keep you the same size for almost 15 more years, and that is definitely a plus. Most importantly though, day by day, begin to embrace your own skin. It will be a lifelong journey but you will find more beauty than critique when you do.

I know right now, you are being flooded with more emotions that you can possibly handle all at once. Embrace them. Lean into them. Please do not run from them. You have more strength inside of you than you can possibly imagine and your heart will lead you WELL more often than not.

I also know it has been hard being a missionary kid and for years you have dreamed and even demanded of God to live in America as a grown up. He hears you. He truly does, but He has bigger dreams for you than you can even dream for yourself. Enjoy the ride even when it looks "different" from your plans. And one day soon, you are going to dream of traveling the world. I know it is hard to believe right now, but it is going to be a BIG dream for you.

You have loved Jesus since you were 4 years old and really are a very good girl. You see the world in shades of black and white. But very soon, the grays will start to appear. It will scare you BIG TIME and you may even feel insignificant in the process, but hold on, baby girl, it is God's grace shining through to you from those black and white space bursting open your worldview. He will never stop teaching you about grace and one day you will truly bask in the world of kaleidoscope shades of beauty. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. He loves you. And that is enough. Remember that your freshman year in college when you feel like a fish out of water. The insecurities will not last forever. And you are going to make some of your very best lifelong friends there. Oh...it is going to be so much fun!

Mom often says, "Be true to yourself and to the Lord." That will become a mantra in your life. You will need that reminder in hard decisions when others do not see where you are coming from. I know how hard that is for you. Oh I really do. But live by her words and you will see that grace I was talking about.

In the next couple of years, your teachers and professors as well as Mom and Dad will highlight gifts in you that you do not see in yourself -- teaching, writing, speaking. Listen to them. They all have wisdom and life experience that will mold you into what you need to become.

Make a difference in the life of a child whenever possible. This is going to shape you in ways that will surprise you and endear you to kids wherever you go.

Keep your tender heart for Jesus. Keep treating everyone with respect and equality. Be confident in who you are. You are a natural leader, and your Holy-Spirit-led guidance will serve you and others well.

Granny always calls you JOY. Hold on to that even in your darkest days. The devil will try to steal that from you, but it is your gift, your lifeline, your hope for the future.

I know that you see yourself as "just a missionary kid" but that perspective is going to change the world around you everywhere you go. So be yourself. Always.

"You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important."

Yeah, you...we...still hate bad grammar but this is from a movie coming out in about a decade from now {Go see it!} You will love the heart behind it...and grammar errors and all...you are ALL of these things!

I know you hate BIG change. THAT will never change, but please try to learn to let go a little and just fly. Your wings are large and beautiful. You are an eagle. Do not settle for less.

Love,






P.S. You know that pack rat tendency you have. Keep it. It will drive Mom and Future Husband a little batty, but your nostalgic heart will thank you over and over again. Especially on a day like today, writing this letter, reading your 1995 journal.

P.P.S. That secret love of dancing you have had since you were 2 years old. Do something about it. It will be one of the best decisions ever!

~  ~  ~

When I saw the challenge from Emily to write a letter to our teenage selves in honor of the release of her new book, Graceful, I wanted to do it, but then I felt intimidated and really did not know what to say. But I eventually sat down and started writing. Sometimes you think you have nothing to say until you just write... and you realize how full your heart really is. Would you like to share a letter to your teenage self? Please do. And then head over to Emily's space, Chatting at the Sky, on Friday {tomorrow} and link up your letter and read all of the great advice from some amazing women{and men} walking this road of grace just like you{and me!}. Oh and check out the Graceful trailer right HERE!

Project 365 :: Day 246-252

This week was filled with a lot of normal, 

yet beautiful,

 days of life and love and laughter.

The older I get, "normal" becomes oh-so-AMAZING

....here's my week in pictures....

Day 246 :: Morris found a new sleeping corner - in an empty water box.

Most days he is curled up like a shrimp in that space. 

Day 247 :: Hanging out on the beach for our anniversary

Even made a little tent out of sheet to protect myself from

the rainstorm while Arno body surfed the waves. #RelaxingDay 

Day 248 :: Puzzle making with Mom and Sis 

Day 249 :: Chillin' with my Mace girl while her 

Mommy picks up some food for dinner 

Day 250 :: My other homegirl, Olivia, posing with her cat - Orange Kitty 

{oh yes, that is the REAL name!} 

Day 251 :: I still drink my favorite drink every day,

Key Lime Sparkling Water by Clear American,

but sometimes just to add a little kick,

I add fresh lime.... #MhmmmSOOOGood 

Day 252 :: Another day at the beach with my love,

enjoying the last few weeks of the summer sun

I'm on a journey, chronicling my life with a picture a day for a year. I hope to discover the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learn more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments. 

{Update: Taking a couple of photography classes with my sister this fall 2012...very excited!}

The Voice In My Head

There is no fear in Love, if the Love is real and perfect

 it overshadows all fears and Concern. 

~Author Unknown

The past few weeks, life has taken me by force from surprise party planning, foster care interviews, multiple vet visits, guest room prepping for visitors, general new move house stuff, emotional foster case meetings, and spending a fun, unexpected week with my parents in town on top of all the other day-to-day living stuff.

And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting.

I know my soul needs to breathe. I feel the words fill me up to the brim, bursting my insides with their heaviness and importance. Yet I cannot seem to find the right valve to release the inner battle that my soul undertakes minute to minute to find the much needed relief.

So I take a deep breath, inhaling in and exhaling out with calculated purpose, reminding myself that this body can only endure so much until it bursts and then I read these words by Emily P. Freeman....

Am I listening to the Voice of Fear or the Voice of Love?

She calls it the one simple question that changes everything.
And for me.
That is the truth.

Whenever the anxiety and pressures threaten to consume and overtake me, I asked myself, "What voice are you listening to?" And somehow, simply in the question itself, I find peace, knowing that His Love will guide me every step of the way.

I know.
It sounds so simple.
You might even me thinking, "I know this. I have heard it before."

But somehow LIFE butts in and we forget.
At least I do.

And I need a reminder that HIS perfect love casts out all fear.
And His love is ALWAYS perfect.
And His grace captivates every fear.

And just maybe you need to remember too...

We love Him because He first loved us...

I John 4:19

May your heart find a home today in His love that storms the fortress 

and His peace that commands the oceans.

Five Minute Friday :: See

Some days I feel like I am seeing myself for the first time.

Like everything that I once knew about my mind and heart and point of view has shifted with radical force.

Like the world has turned up side down and I wonder not only who I am and how I fit in this new place but also what about the way I always thought the rest of the world worked?

Mostly, deep down in my soul, there is a caged animal roaring to life, an artist being set free for the first time in years, a dreamer reattaching her wings preparing to fly.

And I'm scared.
No really.
I am TRULY scared
of what I SEE with these eyes
and yet
Emily Freeman's words reverberate over and over and over in the recesses of my mind and in the shadows of my heart....

"Are you listening to the Voice of Fear or the Voice of Love?"

And somehow in that question...I truly SEE.

Joining Lisa-Jo over 

at The Gypsy Mama 

for Five Minute Friday, 

where we all just stop, 

drop, and write 

for 5 minutes flat. 

Come join the party!

Five Minute Friday: Goodbye

I can hear the Muppets singing...

"Saying goodbye

Why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we had

Much more to say

Foolish to try

It's time for saying goodbye..."

And I get a little pang in my heart.
Dozens of goodbye visions

flash across my memory
and wave of nostalgia overtakes me.

I have been known to say, "I always have to say goodbye to someone I love. Never do they all get to be in the same place." I think that is why my wedding day was so special. All my favorite people, or at least a representation of all of the lives I have lived, gathering in the same place.

That's what having your cake and eating it too looks like to me.

I have lamented having to live a life where I learned to say goodbye before I even took my first step. It's hard. It breaks your insides. You wonder if you will make it until tomorrow.

And yet, somehow, you realize that you are a little richer, a little wiser, a little more appreciative, thankful, gracious because God gave you so many people to love and be loved by.

And maybe the value in that is worth the price
of all those goodbyes.

In case you have never seen it

OR if you would like a trip down memory lane,

here is the clip from Muppets Take Manhattan

that was playing in my head as I started this Five Minute Friday.

{Subscribers, click here to view video}

When God Changes Your Story

I get hung up a lot in what I used to do, what I used to represent, how I used to live, where I used to be heading, and in general, the person that I used to be. I must often be reminded of the fact that we live in seasons of life, sometimes in the shadows even.

I found this picture on Pinterest with these directions attached in the note:

1) Paint the canvas all crazy like

2) Use painter's tape to create a herringbone pattern with some missing

3) Paint over the canvas in white

4) Remove tape and voila!

For a non-crafty girl like me, this seems doable, and actually, kinda beautiful. The color and the white contrasted together in this herringbone pattern produce eye-pleasing results.

And somehow this reminds me of my life....

God painted beautiful colors.

A great childhood with amazing parents. A dreamer's heart to do the impossible. A sound mind to achieve no matter what. A strong body to work hard towards every dream. A relentless will to always see a way when others saw brick walls. A solid education to open doors both home and abroad.

A dancer. A missionary. A singer. A friend. A reader. A fighter. A lover-of-the-Truth.

The colors of my world bled rich and true and vast and deep, sketching insight and exquisiteness onto my soul.

But as is so often true, we never understand or truly appreciate rare and raw wonder until it is tainted or changed.

So, as the Master Artist began layering slabs of adhesive onto my canvas, seemingly marring the arresting artwork He had created, I lamented the loss of all that "I was." Being the ever-blind and often-ungrateful clay, I raged and tugged against His touches. Yet He persisted still, with a vision in mind that I could not yet see.

Until...finally, at the moment when I could take no more of these repulsive intrusions, He ceased. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

He's done.

He's really done.

And then....

No.

Oh please, Master.

It cannot be.

No more...please do not take everything from me.

I look up, and I see His eyes. The eyes that with gracious intensity, burn through me like fire, patient still even through my flailings.

Unhurriedly now, yet with purposeful intent, the strokes of His brush proceed to wipe away every sign of the loveliness and charm He had provoked from the canvas after years of work, leaving behind a white empty space, void of character and desirability.

And in that space, I render myself useless, unworthy, unloveable, unwanted.

But not to the Master, it seems.

For when I open my eyes, glazed with tears from the loss of my yesterday's glory, I see His gaze still steady and strong searing my soul, my pride, my claim on myself with His unrelenting grace.

Slowly, and yes, even painfully, He begins the process of stripping off the layers He has strategically placed there to uncover a loveliness that would not have been possible without the artistic ravaging.

A beauty I am still uncovering.

A grace I continue to discover.

Daily I am learning still to yield to this journey, to lay myself at the altar of His purpose, knowing that He loves me more than His own life. He proved it after all. Nonetheless, I am so often stubborn, filled with pride, longing to prove myself to Him, to the world.

And still, He stares deeply into the wells of my humanity, causing me to gasp at the weakness there and still more, to sit in awe of the regard He continues to pour over me.

My friend Cara said it like this....

"When you were knit together inside your mother, God made a pronouncement upon you. He made you something. He did not pronounce you an alcoholic or a liar or a screw-up. He did not pronounce you a cheerleader or a missionary or a pastor's wife or a mother. He knew those things might be part of your story, but He made you with a depth that goes beyond your doings and your labels."

{read the rest here}

Source via Pinterest

Project 365 :: Weeks 13 & 14

Day 85 :: My favorite flower and signs of spring

Day 86 :: This is how I spent my weekend,

working on mailing the Save the Date

for Evangelistic World Outreach's Summer Gala

40 Years, Baby!!

Day 87 :: Indoor Water Play

Day 88 :: More of my favorite flower {tulips} from my sister's garden

Day 89 :: Visiting my love at his work

Day 90 :: Tired :(

Day 92 :: Spent the weekend sick and hibernating.

I even forgot to take a picture on Saturday (Day 91)

The kitties enjoyed the extra snuggles.

Day 93(1) :: NEW purple tights. I'm kind of in love.

Day 93(2):: Arno pumping up his new kite for the first time.

Day 94 :: Time to get my hair done...I LOVE going to the salon

Day 95 :: Straightening out the lines...

this kite boarding is some serious business

Day 96 :: I have a bit of a love affair with the moonlight....

Day 97 :: A little present from incourage for (in)RL -- YAY!

Day 98 :: A few of the aids to help me get on the mend

I'm on a journey to chronicle my life with a picture a day for a year. I hope to discover the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learn more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments. Linking up with my friend Paige and others who are taking this challenge too.