Snippets of the Crazy-Slow

I think I have written a thousand, a hundred, okay....maybe a dozen....yes at least a dozen blog posts in my mind over the past six weeks.

Sometimes they were just snippets of a thought.
Other times they had some meaty length to it.
All of them were amazing...she says so humbly...or at least in "my" mind's eye.
But alas, none of them made it to paper...or even screen....so maybe they were just to feed my soul in the interim of waiting to pour out my heart here....to you.

Life has been busy and slow.
But I have said that here already.
I just wish that I could expound more on what that feels like, what that IS in my heart and soul.
Maybe I will soon...or maybe not...
For now, I think I will just share what that conglomeration of this fast slow motion looks like.

1) My Granny fell and broke her neck six weeks ago yesterday. Her neck has been healing beautifully and the brace is now off. She is, as you can imagine, having a lot of pain there as her body learns to hold that weight on its own again. She had a trache for awhile which miraculously came out on its own about 2 weeks ago and the hole, or stoma, as the medical professionals call it is completely healed up. She has been from hospital to rehab to hospital and now back to rehab again. Each change has been filled with its own ups and downs and scares and joys along the way. Granny suffers from dementia so currently our family {mom, sister, aunts and cousins} rotate being with her around the clock. As she is back in rehab, we know that we are on the home stretch...at least that is how we pray since she has been IN rehab and BACK to hospital once already. If you are the praying kind, would you please pray for her recovery, the infections her body is fighting, and for our family for strength to continue with grace in this long journey?? Thank you.

2) I got a new part time job of which I am currently in Week 3. I have translated for Haitian students and families via our local Board of Education off and on for the past 10 years or so. Last year, all the translators had to re-interview and come "on staff" officially. In the interview process, I was asked if I was interested in tutoring to which I promptly said, "Yes!" So I am not officially a tutor IN an ESOL {English as a Second Language} class room for 90 minutes a day. Two thirds of the class are Haitian kids. I am working at a middle school so the kids are lovely and moody and frustratingly beautiful. I feel like this job is a gift to me and seriously, there are some that I am ready to bring home with me. {And I really don't say stuff like that....their stories/hearts are just wrecking me...}

3) We are OFFICIALLY foster parents!! Yay! and WHOA! This process has been long and arduous and I am not even talking about the paper work. I do not think going in that I was preparing for the emotional and mental onslaught that would ravage my being.

Will the first child living in my home really NOT be my own biological baby? 

Am I really ready for this? 

Can my physical body handle what investing into these lives will mean? 

Can my heart? 

These, along with a hundred practical questions racked my brain to no end. I wanted to quit MORE times than I wanted to move forward and something, Someone bigger than me kept propelling us forward one painful step at a time. I have been forced to face my own fears and judgements and life choices, and I am sure this is NOT the end...which scares me honestly, but did I mention my heart is now wrecked beyond repair? In the good ways...the ways that you know that this is right and good and part of the crazy-grand-scheme-of-things.

4) And finally....this one is hard and exciting to say all at the same time. The Lord is healing me. Really and truly. Heart and soul, of course, but specifically in body. About four years ago, I began having unexplained pains that over the course of the following year and half increased in frequency and intensity. With a possible diagnosis of fibromyalgia but unable to take the prescribed course of medicine given to those who suffer with this unseen illness, we made some radical life changes and left South Africa and moved back to the United States. While my physical issues were not the primary reason for us making that life change, they were the catalyst that propelled us forward. For the past two and a half years since then, I have fought a daily battle of balance in my life, trying to find the right amount of work-to-rest ratio. To say it has been hard would be an understatement, and just when I was ready to accept that maybe this is just the journey of learning that God wanted me to go through to learned more about His grace, the Lord sent someone to remind me of His promises to me {more on that story later} and He is really healing me. It is a slow heal, like synapses and muscles coming together in harmony again, but I am getting stronger every day. There are still good days and bad days and I continue to work to believe that He IS still JUST as faithful on the bad days...but I needed to say it nonetheless....thank you, Jesus, for this healing.
{P.S. THIS was actually on my God-sized dream list!!}

There is more...of life and potential changes on the horizon and buzzing around in my heart of things still to come....but I feel like this is all I can share for now.

I am excited to be living His plan in this season, in spite of the HARD parts too...
He is going deep and wide in the caverns of my heart and soul,
 and I feel SUCH an assurance that I will never be the same.

One Word :: Rearview Reflection and Dreaming into 2013

After I told my sister my one word for the year at the beginning of 2012, she later confessed that she asked God, "Really Lord? Isn't Lindsey relentless enough already?"

I have laughed over and over and over about that thought.

And I realized how true it is. I have a RATHER persistent personality....usually enticing people into my ideas and passions with contagious excitement.

Usually.

I have long been aware that there is a fine line between influence and manipulation. I try hard to keep that line really OBVIOUS to myself. No one HATES being manipulated more than me so I do not want to be the one to inflict that yucky-ness on others.

But that relentless nature in my 90%-fight-over-10%-flight reaction in my being took a beating in the struggles of the past 3-4 years.  So when I wrote about Relentless on January 5 of last year...I knew that God wanted to show Himself relentless in my life. I truly did get that.

But.....
.....the depth to which He has plumbed, I honestly do not know if I have the words to adequately explain because it has been so vast and thorough and well...amazing...

Let me try....

I feel more aware of the fact that He is Relentless FOR me, IN me, THROUGH me, IN SPITE of me. His grace to see me through every circumstance, to let me be still while He fights for me....well...there is no other way to say it than...I needed that. I needed to have a rescuer. I needed to learn how to LET Him be that. I needed the white knight. And He met me where I was at.

I will probably always be learning how to let go, to let Him, to be, to stop doing all the time, but this past year was an amazing kickstart.

My word for this year came to me in a whirlwind of a surprise, and yet slowly as it has seeped into my heart, I see the way God is weaving the tapestry together in this decade of grace. Arno {the hubs} even commented on the connection...

2010 - The Year of Grace
2011 - The Year of the Redeemed
2012 - The Relentless Year

And now.....

Taking this extrovert to a place of quiet and even loneliness, showing me who He is AND who He is IN me. This word both scares and excites me, like one's one word should I think.  Like every big launching pad moment, the knowledge that change is coming has me simultaneously shaking in my boots and shouting Hallelujah in the deepest recesses of my soul.

Like "Be STILL and know that I am God...." and "I am STILL in control, my child..."

Yeah. Like I said. Shaking and shouting.
All at the same time.

So of course Psalm 46:10 will not stop persisting in my head.
I looked it up and discovered some interesting perspectives in various versions that got me just a wee bit more excited!

New International Version (©1984) "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." 

New Living Translation (©2007) "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."  

New American Standard Bible (©1995) "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009) Stop your fighting--and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth." 

International Standard Version (©2012) Be in awe and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted throughout the earth.  

Aramaic Bible in Plain English (©2010) Return and know that I AM GOD. I am exalted among the nations and I am exalted in the Earth. 

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995) Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth. 

Okay, if you are STILL here, and I haven't lost you in my comparing-versions-geek-fest, well, YAY! And I will share more as the year progresses...

Now.........I would love to hear YOUR one word {or link to your blog post about it if applicable}, if you have chosen one or even one of your goals for this year. I think sharing our plans/goals/dreams, while scary, gives us, not only accountability, but also stirs excitement in our bones...makes it real!

So c'mon...get real WITH me...yeah?

Happy New Year, friends!
This is a special one, eh?

A Year in Review :: My Favorite 2012 Blog Posts

There is something really cool about blogging (and photographing) your life.
You READ and SEE the changes up close and personal.
It is kind of an amazing thing!

Here are some glimpses of my journey through 2012, month by month.
Feel free to browse through and find the one or ones that speak to you most.
It has been a beautiful year -- a Relentless one {more on that One Word pilgrimage coming soon},
and it is my pleasure to be able to share it with you!

January

Snow-Quiet Moments
"With more energy and life now, I pick up my postal delivery and flit out the door to bask in the not-quite-yet-wonderland. As magical as the morning dusk to some, this midnight hour is to me. The world is quiet. The snow falls tiny and unnoticed. There is no one around."

Who Am I To Judge?
"But where is the love? Where is the redemption in my heart? Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family? Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?"

February

His Banner Over Me Is Love
"And on and on and on and on it goes. It rages and storms and beats and batters and bruises my wounded soul until I have shocked and scared her into a submission she was not meant to endure. Anxiety. That demon-monster puts its clutches into every fiber of my being, my very humanity, until the voice of the One whom I have known since I was a little girl is replaced with HIS horrid mantra."

Happiness is Overrated....or Is It?
"And so....happiness is overrated....became my motto. I figured. God never promised us that we would be happy, just that He would be with us. And He was always with me. Of that, I am sure."

March

Can I Truly Love?
(The internal wrestling at the beginning of our foster care journey)

To be Fearless
"Tippy-toeing on broken glass. Holding new life in my hands. Walking through the creepy forest of fairy tale lore.  Grasping. Wailing. Bleeding. From fear that holds me hostage...."

Brave
"I want to be brave. Brave enough to swim the English channel. Climb Pike's Pea.k And travel around the world on a wing and a prayer. I want to be brave. Brave enough to say I'm sorry. I forgive you.
 I love you. I need you."

Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope
"I sat frozen by the news. After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart."

Where I Fly

(a favorite childhood place...written poetry style)

April

Light
"The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach."

In the Shadows
"I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows. At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life."

Community
(Where I learned that community was not as far away as I thought it was)

May

The Artist's Voice
"Artists SEE each other. 
 We recognize greatness. We understand the way one's heart is worn on the sleeve. We hear the unique drumbeat even when it varies from our own. And we champion the aspirations within those faces we see. At least that is how it is supposed to be."

To the Childless Mothers
(encouragement for the moms with no babies to hold...including me)

What She Did Not Know (A Letter to my Mom)
"When she said yes to ministry, to my dad, to missions, and to motherhood, she did not know the road she would travel. When she embarked on her adventure as a newlywed missionary to the island of Hispaniola, she never imagined the trials she would need to overcome. When she carried her firstborn child in her womb, accepting the mantle of motherhood at the ripe age of 22, she had no idea the heartache that awaited her, not years but months later."

June

The Voice in my Head
"And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting."

July

I Am

"I am whimsy and prose.  I wonder why people don't SEE into each other more.  

I hear animals talk.  I see fairies in my forest. 

I want babies to call my own.  I am whimsy and prose."

Coming Home
"Coming home to them is like coming back to family. But a "different" kind of family. This family does not all speak the same language, live in the same house, or even look alike. This family hails from places like Jellico, TN or Jacmel, Ayiti and more town and cities whose soil has never met my feet. This family loves me, not because we share blood or ancestry; their love comes from living this common, simple life together. It blooms from growing up together."

August

Join
"I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls. 
Can I just be me? Will that be safe? 
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?"

Releasing to the Fall
"It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future."

September

In the Tension of the Waiting
"Inside I feel small. Insignificant. Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers.... 
 Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly. Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style."

I Wish It Was Different
"I wish it was different. I wish I could be the one they need me to be. I wish I was not so altered by life and circumstances and living away. I wish I knew how to bridge the ever-widening gap. I wish I felt connected to them. I wish they had let their guards down years ago to let me know them. I wish I could set it all aside and just love them like Jesus."

The Journey of Finding Courage
"I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome."

October

31 Days of Story
I wrote for 31 days on my childhood, adolescent, and college years. I am not even sure how to pick one to highlight BUT Day 11 was my first vlog ever and a favorite story of mine to tell filled with an airport shooting and all so if you missed it the first time...THAT would be a fun one to check out!

November

Learning to Quiet
"So I am here. Waiting. Living. Loving. And hopefully... Quieting..."

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of It All
"Cry. Cry hard and deep and long and good. Run. Run fast and strong. Beat your chest. Raise your fist to the sky. Shout up at the heavens and scream, "Why?" Fall into a puddle. and cry some more. 
 Sit with your grie.f Your questions. Your anger. Your heartbreak. Feel them deep. Deep into your soul. In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep."

When Tears Come
"Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin. Sometimes the movement in your soul violates the peace, the joy, the radiance He longs to display within all those broken pieces."

December

Open-Handed Love
"You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly. She lets them love me and have a relationship with me And not just me But others too Whom they both love JUST as freely."

When One Shines Brighter
"I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time."

Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All
"So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ... for the mother who mourns for her child, for the soldier far from home, for the loved one dead and gone, for the relationships broken and beyond repair, for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten, this Christmas."

Thank you so much for letting me share my ongoing story with you in this space. Your presence and comments and interactions are a constant gift to me!

When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

31 Days of Story {Day 31} Coming Full Circle

So I could not break out of this inner quiet.
The soulful melancholy.
Not for long anyway.
{Read part 1 of this story HERE}

I would push the little extrovert out from her covered shell.

For moments.

Here.

And there.

And it was fun.

Do not get me wrong.

But mostly I felt a little off my game
A little insecure.
A LOT weird.
Kinda overwhelmed.

Until Saturday morning.
When I woke up feeling a little more settled.
A little more like myself.
I reached out to a couple of people I had not bonded with yet that I really wanted to, and we had a group lunch gathering that was just a blessing.

Then I talked to The Nester.
And cried.
For no OBVIOUS reason.
I even laughed as I cried because I felt so silly.
But she was gracious.
And kind.

But that weird up and down feeling inside returned.

So.
I stuck with my friend.
And we ended up in a room
with a couple of other ladies.

And this moment happened.
When one shared her brokenness
Her pain.
Her heartache.
And my spirit was quickened.
Because
I knew that space.
That sorrow.
That desperation.

Jesus opened my mouth
And talked through my vocal chords.
And right there in the Hilton Harrisburg hotel room.
We wept together.

We prayed.
And cried for breakthrough.
And then we introduced ourselves.
And laughed.

Because I did not know her
And she did not know me.
But Jesus knew his girls.
He planned this moment.
He had prepared my heart all weekend to be PRESENT
Here.
Now.

Not because the other ladies could not have handled it.
They are amazing.
And pastors' wives to boot.
So they were all over it.
But because His plan
Was to use me.

I could not be the Life of the Party at Allume
AND the Girl Who Could Recognize The Darkness
All in the same weekend.

Not this time.
It was not His plan.

There are seasons of LOUD
And seasons of QUIET
The quiet is not so easy for the extrovert

So I had to be pressed into THAT moment
And forcibly accepted my assignment for the weekend
even though it was lonely
even later
AGAIN.
When I found myself detached.

But then from that space.
I made two more heart connections, maybe even three, as the weekend progressed.
Right when I would feel sad and lonely and overwhelmed,
God would place me in the path of someone else
who needed that whispered attachment too.

I was coming full circle, back to the quiet little soul that had been birthed on the shores of the Caribbean Sea, back to the analytical calculations of this third-culture kid trying to understand the meaning of "belonging" and "time" and "goodbye", back to the deepest, truest, purest place where Jesus met this little missionary girl as salty breezes christened her tongue and mountain peaks eclipsed her vision, back where deep calls out to the fathomless deep, where my heart finds rest in a Secret Place called Home, in the shelter of His wings.

It was not the conference I planned in my subconscious little extroverted brain,
But it was the conference that HE planned.

Better than I could have imagined.

***

The past 31 days have been a journey in learning to tell my story.
It has been good.
And hard.

Some days I did not want to write.
A lot of days actually.
Sharing your story is vulnerable.
You give a piece of yourself away.
And it is scary.

What if no one reads?
What if no one cares?
What if I cannot do it justice with my written words?

But I wrote on anyway.
Because I knew that I must.
It was time.

I learned.
I grew.
I changed.
I am the better for it.

I hope you have enjoyed this journey with me. And if this is the first day that you are reading, I invite you to go back to the beginning and grow up along with me {quite literally actually!}.

This concludes 31 Days of Story.
But not the story itself.
Stay tuned.

With Jesus,
The best is ALWAYS yet to come.
You can bet the bank on that.

Want to read the entire 31 days of story?

Click here to see a list of all of the posts, updated daily.

If you do not want to miss even ONE day, please subscribe 

at the top of this post by entering your email address.

Also linking with Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, and Duane 
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

31 Days of Story {Day 30} An Extrovert's Dilemma

Emily Freeman posted this quote on her blog yesterday....

“I’ve often done all I know to do to create space for God. I’ve spent time in prayer I thought was contemplative, I’ve said no to lesser desires to make room for rich fulfillment, I’ve knelt before God with the bread and wine . . . and for all my effort, I’ve felt only increased emptiness. Frustration. Silence. I created space for God and He didn’t fill it.

Or did He, in ways I failed to recognize because I was expecting something else? Or didn’t He, because I was arrogantly working hard, thinking He would be impressed and compelled to show up?”

- Dr. Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

I went to Allume with a bit of this underlying expectation....but just in my own special way.
Let me explain.

I am an extrovert.
I have been my whole life because really .... that is pretty innate.
But growing up, I was a quiet extrovert.
A contemplative soul.
Melancholy even.

However, by the time I arrived at Oral Roberts University, I was bursting to come out of my own skin.

I felt like every other freshman on my floor -- alone, scared, insecure, wondering-if-I-should-stay, and if-I-would-ever-fit-in.

So I thought about it.
Cause that is my M.O.

The Bible says if you want friends, be friendly.
Or at least that was what it meant to me.
So I talked to everyone on my floor.

I never got a roommate so I kept my door open probably eighteen to twenty hours of the day.
I am SO not even kidding!
I had a revolving door.
But I took it to the streets, er, ahem, the hallways, neighbors' rooms, even the bathrooms.
I chatted with people in the shower stall next to me, while we brushed our teeth, while...okay, I think that is enough of that example....

I asked questions.
Lots and lots of questions.
What is your major?
Where are you from?
Why did you choose ORU?
Did you have a good day?
What do you think of your professors?
How many siblings do you have?
What is your dream for your life?

And on and one it went.
I made friends.
I loved my floor.
We played together a lot.
We even planned classes together.
We got to know our "brother wing." {partner guy floor}
We crammed for humanities and biology and dozens of other exams, bonding and laughing and developing our own inside jokes along the way.

And suddenly, a whole year had gone by and awards night had arrived.
I was helping my Resident Advisor, Bloodine, sort through the awards, and as we organized the order of the certificates, I came across my name.

Most Talkative.

And I looked at my RA, heart crushed, trying not to be disappointed, as I held back tears.
She was like, "Lindsey, are you really surprised?"
With head bowed low, I nodded, "Yes! Because when you call someone talkative, it can mean that they get on your nerves and you wish they would shut up."
"I can NOT give it out, if you do not want me to?" she kindly offered.
I said, "No, I'll be okay. If it's the truth and people voted that way, you have to give it out. I am just glad I saw it first so I can prepare myself."

So we continued sorting through the remaining superlatives, and suddenly I saw my name again.

Most Encouraging.

Bloodine smiled, "See Lindsey...the floor does not mean talkative in a negative way. They mean it in a good light. So even though you talk a lot, you are always encouraging others and lifting them up and trying to make them feel better and more connected. The floor would not be the same without you and that is the truth."

I have changed a lot from that eighteen year old girl.
And in some ways, I am her all over again, every time I am in a new season.
I am still talkative.
And I think encouraging too.
But life has pushed and poked and prodded me a bit.

And now.
I am a little less extroverted.
I takes me a while to warm up.
I do not walk into a new place being the life of the party.
I may not be the most popular face in the crowd.
Sometimes I wonder if I am even a REAL extrovert any more.

But I am.
Cause I love being with people.
Almost all of the time.

I felt that way at Allume this weekend.
A little overwhelmed at times.
A desire to stick with the people I knew.
But also...I wanted to be THAT girl....THAT girl who asked questions and gave freely.
I watched my other extrovert friends do it....why could I not?
What was wrong with me?
What was holding me back?

By the time my junior and senior year in college rolled around, I knew half of the campus, although I did not actually realize that fact until my friends pointed it out to me. It had been a gradual thing, not a guns blazing the trail kind of impact. Little by little, one conversation, and word of encouragement at a time. One moment of truth here, one letting down the guard there.

And suddenly, I was that girl.
The one who knows people.
A LOT of people.
By name.

This continued on for the next 10 years in ministry job after ministry job.
I knew people and people knew me.
And I liked that.
I AM an extrovert after all.

So, I went to Allume having this unspoken expectation.
I will be the life of the party.
I have done it before.
I will do it again.

All the while, more consciously, I was giving myself a different lecture -- to listen more, to talk less, to observe, and to stay tuned in to the people around me.

I somehow thought that I would seamlessly flow in and out of these two very different roles....after all, God has been doing a work in my heart for the past two years, surely, He will miraculously make this happen.

You can probably see where I am going.
Both could not work out very well.
And thus.... a viscious battle ensued....

Come back tomorrow 

for the conclusion of my dilemma

{and my 31 days!} 

and how God orchestrated the kind of conference 

HE wanted me to have for one very specific moment 

on the last evening of the weekend.

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31 Days of Story {Day 28} A Hard Lesson In Forgiveness

It was 1999, and he was my best "guy" friend.

We hung out mostly in a group of 8-12 friends. We were a tight crew. But he & I had a special connection. He was witty & sarcastic & boyishly charming. I was analytical & strong-willed & intellectually-challenging. Everyone knew we had a unique friendship, but it was "purely platonic."

No. Seriously. It was.

Was, that is, until that summer.
The summer after he broke up with his girlfriend from back home.
The summer we hung out in Maine with our friends.
The summer that everything changed.

We crossed the boundaries of friendship, and things would never be the same again.

At first it was thrill-me-to-my-toes exciting.
We were "us" but now.... MORE!
And it was fun!

But then, real life happened.

We went back to college, back to classes, back to our normal routine.

And she came too -- his ex.
She was now a part of "our" world.
THAT was not supposed to happen.
My world was spinning

Suddenly, he pulled away from me. He needed space from both of us to figure things out. It was hard, but he was my friend, right? So I wanted to give him room to grow and to know his own heart & head.

Then one day the bottom fell out of our relationship.
 In one day my heart broke.

He knew my schedule, so he had been avoiding me, although I hadn't realized that at the time. He didn't count on my meeting being cancelled that night. He didn't plan for me to be in the cafeteria a little later then usual for supper.

That's when I saw them.

The two of them.

Together.

I guess he "figured it out" without telling me.

I couldn't understand.
My mind did not want to register.
Why would he lie to me?
He is my friend.
He WAS my friend.

If Taylor Swift had been selling albums back then, THIS would have been the time to blast one of her angsty love break up songs....

These words pounded over and over and over in my head...

I'm not his choice.

I'm not good enough,

pretty enough,

smart enough,

I'm not ENOUGH!

And HE LIED TO ME!!


That is the moment the darkness crept into my soul, my very being. As the days passed, I would wake up each morning in such agony and pain and HATRED. I felt betrayed, abandoned, stupid, faithless, ignorant, unwise, alone. The feeling in my gut was like someone was daily twisting my intestines. I know that sounds intense and dramatic, but I felt like I was walking in a fog. I would read Scriptures almost mindlessly to just "stuff the Word" into me. I would get ready for the day and just beg the Holy Spirit to help me.

But nothing seemed to work. I would cross paths with him. Or her. Or him & her together. I tried to face things. I tried to let it go. I tried to "get over it!"

But the anger seemed to just build and build and with that the shame. 

How could I let this happen?
How could I be so stupid?

And the bitterness just increased.

Months passed, and one day, I went to a revival service. I don't remember what the message was about or anything that was said in particular except the invitation to the altar at the end. I went forward and I felt that tugging at my heart strings.

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go.

And instructions followed.

Write him a letter. Write her a letter. Ask them for forgiveness.

WHAT, LORD? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! There is NO WAY! I didn't do anything wrong. He blatantly lied to me, and she rudely ignores me. I am the one who has a RIGHT to be angry.

And the quietest of whispers....

Haven't you held anger, resentment, & bitterness in your heart against them?

Well, yeah, but THEY don't know that! I have been nice.

My child....Forgive.....

That night, I sat down at my computer, feeling compelled by a power larger than myself to such an extent, that I knew if I did not obey, the sky was going to open up and lightening would strike hard.
Not to punish, but to get my attention....

"Hey, girl! I'm talking to you...!!!"

So with trembling fingers, I typed out my battle-worn apologies.

{Photo Credit}

It was hard.

It was real.

It was honest.

The next morning, I went and dropped them off at the campus post boxes.

When I walked out of the CPO that day, it was the funniest thing. I am THROUGHLY convinced, the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the bird-song was sweeter, and there was a spring in my step.

Something amazing happened.
Something surprising and wholly miraculous
Accepting God's forgiveness and requesting it in return from others with NO AGENDA resulted in this beautiful thing...

Freedom!

Forgiveness set me free!!

"Therefore if the Son makes you free, 

you shall be free indeed."

John 8:36

From the archives -- 2/24/2011

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31 Days of Story {Day 27} The Comparison Trap

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

 And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order. I blurted out quickly, before I lost my nerve...

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." 

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU!!"

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Revisited from the archives of March 14, 2012....
Here are my friend Candee's thoughts after reading my original post...

"Literally crying at my keyboard 

remembering that conversation. 

To think it has been fifteen years...wow! 

Thanks for the reminder to be 

who God created me to be no matter what. 

Love you friend!"

Want to read the entire 31 days of story?

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It's Okay To Be A Sponge

"Mommy, if grownups know everything, how will I know everything one day if I don't ask you?"

These words tumbled from my own mouth after my mother asked me to give her a break from the questions. I was probably 5 years old, maybe 6, but I can still distinctly remember that feeling and desire to KNOW and to know EVERYTHING.....

photo credit

Will you please join me today over at  Must Love God as we hash out the scary part of actually getting what we want but forgetting it is what we prayed for in the first place?

 

Use YOUR Talents

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order.

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." I blurted out quickly.

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU."

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Linking up with Write on the Edge for the first time on how we compare ourselves to others. Since it is my first time, I am still working on getting my word count lower, so please be gracious to me.

Also linking up with Write It, Girl, where we are all learning to be bold with the written word together.

His Love Pursues {Guest Post :: Jen}

Jen is a friend that I have never met {in real life} but I feel like I have. Does that make sense? We made a connection over our time in Africa, and then in the choice to sabbatical. It seemed like the Lord brought her into my life at JUST the point when I needed a friend who understood the hard place and decision we were having to make. Jen makes her house a home with husband Jeremy and her two blonde-haired beauties {1 boy, 1 girl} in Texas. The way she has made space for God to use her in her artistic endeavors has and continues to inspire and challenge me. From photography to knitting to trying out new & healthy recipes, it seems that there is not much that Jen cannot do when she sets her mind, heart, and hands to it. Her blog home is I Believe in Love where she shares all of her artistic ventures. You can also find her kind, heartfelt, and practical words at Today's Mama.

His Love Pursues

Relentless love... The word that comes to mind is pursuit, God's pursuit of us, because of His love. Welcome to my story of God's relentless love for me...

I've been in the non-profit, full-time ministry world since 1996. What an amazing journey of traveling to 17 nations with my husband and kids! In 2005, my husband and I, along with another friend, founded Ten Thousand Homes whose aim is to bring HOPE and HOME to orphans in southern Africa. However, by 2009, I was spent. After 13 years, I was exhausted in every possible sense of the word. I knew I needed some sort of break, but there was a tug of war going on in my heart. I (and my husband) thought that if I just changed some things up, it would be ok. After all, there were children with no parents and they needed people to love them, and I was tired? Come on. God's love for those kids is relentless, but so is his love for me. That's when I heard it....

"Come away and rest."

I was truly ignorant on what a sabbatical meant but after coming through to the end, my heart swells and tears pool thinking about His love for me. It was in that year and a half of sabbatical that God showed me my passions. He brought healing to relationships and gave me space to dream. I'm not a natural dreamer, but as I tore down the walls of why I couldn't dream, they came. Some of them were small, like having one of my photos published in a magazine, and others were big, like traveling the world with my camera and telling the stories. I know dreams are just dreams. They're not necessarily goals and just because you dream them, doesn't mean they will happen. But God, in His incredible, relentless love for me, allowed them to happen.


Within a few months, my blog was published in Artful Blogging and I was asked to go to India and use photography to tell the stories of girls rescued out of prostitution. I was blown away to see dreams coming true right before my eyes, and all I could say was, "Thank you, Jesus."

As I've come out of sabbatical, I've realized that the kids in Africa were taken care of despite me stepping away (smile) and that the dreaming and understanding more of how I'm wired and what my passions are, are all helping me to be more effective now. He sees the bigger picture, and it's His love for us that drives Him to pursue our highest good. For me, it was admitting that I needed to rest...

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 7th in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us

across miles, across personalities, across hearts that are His.

To read more of the posts, click here and here.