When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

Dear Me....

Hey, you!

Yeah, you with the curly permed hair, nose in the latest Francine Rivers book, and 16-year-old angst.

I know you live in a world of romantic dreaming and counting-the-days-til-you-see-your-American-friends again, but I want to give you a little advice to help you along the path you are about to take. I know you will listen with rapt attention. You like to have guidelines and road markers along the way. And since Dad raised you on SciFi, your own voice from your future will intrigue you. I will try not to give TOO much away though. You will need the lessons learned from embracing adventure and unknown to make it through your journey.

So, here goes...

You know when Uncle Mike reminded you to "Bloom where you are planted" when you were thirteen? Hang on to that. It will help you in the cross-continental moves you are going to be making in your life, but wait...let's not get ahead of ourselves.

When Mom and Dad let you decide if you want to stay in Haiti with them for your senior year or to go live in America with Aunt Bonnie, it will be the hardest decision of your life to date. But can I tell you something right now? You WILL make the right decision. That decision will ground in you an understanding of how to hear God's voice for yourself for THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. You will be scared. You will want Mom and Dad to tell you what to do. They won't. But they will help you make pros and cons and talk through both options. You will not realize how hard this is for them for a long time, but say thank you anyway to them for trusting you with your own life at 16. It REALLY is a big deal!

Pssst....I have a secret to tell you. That guy who you have had a crush on for, like, 3 years now, he is going to ask you to the youth group banquet and soon after become your FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND! Sqeeeee!! I know! Super exciting, right?

Enjoy that relationship. He really is a great guy. No, I mean REALLY. You will not realize how great then, but most 17 year old boys are not that mature and kind and respectful.  Dating him first will help you through the ups and downs of dating in the future.

I am not going to tell you WHO you are going to marry or WHEN it is going to happen because you would NOT believe me anyway. But I will tell you this ::

your forever love story will rival fairytales. 

And that is the truth! Just do not compromise along the way. You will NOT regret it!

You are tender-hearted and deeply sensitive. You often hate this about yourself and will spend a lot of hours agonizing over being this way. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know Dad tells you this a lot. He is right. That "weakness" is one of your greatest strengths and will help more people than you can imagine right now.

And that dreamer-girl inside of you? That part of you is NOT childish or immature. She is exactly who God wants you to be. Don't turn her off or shut her out. And if you forget, and do it anyway. Please do not be afraid to invite her back in and give her a room again. She needs a lot of space and you have plenty of room in your life for her and the practical-girl on your shoulder.

I know you are self-conscious about your pale skin, freckles, and lack of curves {and that will change...a little at least}. One day you will be thankful for those things. I know you are making a face now. I am serious though. Freckles will keep your face young and those straight-figured genes will keep you the same size for almost 15 more years, and that is definitely a plus. Most importantly though, day by day, begin to embrace your own skin. It will be a lifelong journey but you will find more beauty than critique when you do.

I know right now, you are being flooded with more emotions that you can possibly handle all at once. Embrace them. Lean into them. Please do not run from them. You have more strength inside of you than you can possibly imagine and your heart will lead you WELL more often than not.

I also know it has been hard being a missionary kid and for years you have dreamed and even demanded of God to live in America as a grown up. He hears you. He truly does, but He has bigger dreams for you than you can even dream for yourself. Enjoy the ride even when it looks "different" from your plans. And one day soon, you are going to dream of traveling the world. I know it is hard to believe right now, but it is going to be a BIG dream for you.

You have loved Jesus since you were 4 years old and really are a very good girl. You see the world in shades of black and white. But very soon, the grays will start to appear. It will scare you BIG TIME and you may even feel insignificant in the process, but hold on, baby girl, it is God's grace shining through to you from those black and white space bursting open your worldview. He will never stop teaching you about grace and one day you will truly bask in the world of kaleidoscope shades of beauty. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. He loves you. And that is enough. Remember that your freshman year in college when you feel like a fish out of water. The insecurities will not last forever. And you are going to make some of your very best lifelong friends there. Oh...it is going to be so much fun!

Mom often says, "Be true to yourself and to the Lord." That will become a mantra in your life. You will need that reminder in hard decisions when others do not see where you are coming from. I know how hard that is for you. Oh I really do. But live by her words and you will see that grace I was talking about.

In the next couple of years, your teachers and professors as well as Mom and Dad will highlight gifts in you that you do not see in yourself -- teaching, writing, speaking. Listen to them. They all have wisdom and life experience that will mold you into what you need to become.

Make a difference in the life of a child whenever possible. This is going to shape you in ways that will surprise you and endear you to kids wherever you go.

Keep your tender heart for Jesus. Keep treating everyone with respect and equality. Be confident in who you are. You are a natural leader, and your Holy-Spirit-led guidance will serve you and others well.

Granny always calls you JOY. Hold on to that even in your darkest days. The devil will try to steal that from you, but it is your gift, your lifeline, your hope for the future.

I know that you see yourself as "just a missionary kid" but that perspective is going to change the world around you everywhere you go. So be yourself. Always.

"You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important."

Yeah, you...we...still hate bad grammar but this is from a movie coming out in about a decade from now {Go see it!} You will love the heart behind it...and grammar errors and all...you are ALL of these things!

I know you hate BIG change. THAT will never change, but please try to learn to let go a little and just fly. Your wings are large and beautiful. You are an eagle. Do not settle for less.

Love,






P.S. You know that pack rat tendency you have. Keep it. It will drive Mom and Future Husband a little batty, but your nostalgic heart will thank you over and over again. Especially on a day like today, writing this letter, reading your 1995 journal.

P.P.S. That secret love of dancing you have had since you were 2 years old. Do something about it. It will be one of the best decisions ever!

~  ~  ~

When I saw the challenge from Emily to write a letter to our teenage selves in honor of the release of her new book, Graceful, I wanted to do it, but then I felt intimidated and really did not know what to say. But I eventually sat down and started writing. Sometimes you think you have nothing to say until you just write... and you realize how full your heart really is. Would you like to share a letter to your teenage self? Please do. And then head over to Emily's space, Chatting at the Sky, on Friday {tomorrow} and link up your letter and read all of the great advice from some amazing women{and men} walking this road of grace just like you{and me!}. Oh and check out the Graceful trailer right HERE!

In The Shadows

I have a fascination with shadow and light.

I try to capture the essence of what each moment means to me,

the beauty that I see there.

Sometimes I get it right, and other times, the picture cannot hold a candle to the reality of the now that I feel.

I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows.

At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life.

The war waged on, and I fought and fought to stand in the light, to hold my ground, to hang on so that I could fight again tomorrow.

And then one day, it was too much, and in spite of the warrior heart beating loud and true in my soul, I retreated into the corner of the shadows, sobbing and gasping for reprieve from these insurmountable foes.

The shadows are a scary place. Lonely, abandoned, heartbreaking....most people do not enter into your shadows with you. Sometimes they just cannot and other times like a scared, trapped, little animal we hiss and scratch at them until they just simply go away.

For me, shadow or light, it did not seem to matter, I still felt alone -- alone in my fight or alone in my misery.

And now, the shadows are still there, looming around me. Every day is a fight, sometimes hour by hour, just to push my face into the light and to SEE His goodness, to glimpse His grace.

And then there are days when I just fall down with exhaustion and anger. "Why does living in peace and joy and grace seem to be so daggone hard?"

So I pull into the shadows, for just a little while, but I have learned, am still learning....

The light calls to you, even while you are in the darkest of shadows.

The Scripture says it this way....

Deep calls unto deep...

Psalm 42:7

As a young girl, my artistic soul was always moved by these words, but only now through a bit of heartache and pain, do I truly understand the psalmist's heartcry to the Father. My whole being resonates with these words because I know that the deep is the one in a dark place crying out to the deepest part of the Father's heart.

Like mine does.

In the shadows.

I do not know what shadow is overpowering your life today. Maybe you are feeling the loss of something once held or never known. Maybe you feel you have never experienced your life truly in the light of day. May I encourage you to find your hope in Him? Not because it is a cliche or because it is easy. Not because I have it all figured out or know all the answers, but because the light is calling out to you. If you really listen, you will even hear it calling you BY NAME. I promise.

Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:5-6

Read the entire Psalm here.

I promise the encouragement and REAL understanding

from the psalmist there will blow you away!

And just one more thing....please know ::

You are not alone.

Wherever you find yourself.

In the fight or in the shadows.

I would love to hear your heart on this in the comments or in an email {lindseyfoj (at) gmail (dot) com}.

Linking up with Imperfect Prose on Thursdays with Emily at CanvasChild.com.

20 Questions for 2011

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~{RE}discovering God's heart and seeing how His hand has

& continues to redeem the broken pieces in my life

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Adjusting to life not being in full-time ministry and how I viewed myself

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~2 part-time jobs where I can set my own schedule

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~I don't think this would be considered unexpected,

but the fact that I am still dealing with unclear chronic pain

for going on 3 years now has been an ongoing obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

~Redemption. Grace. Rediscovery.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Peace. Rest. Quiet.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

~Relaxation. Rest. Change.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Grace for the Good Girl, all of Ted Dekker's 2011 releases

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~Arno, my bffs, Tricia & Alison, my parents, my sister,

my bloggy friends, including Relevant & (in)courage ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~a radical change from heavy brokenness to amazing redemption

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Last year at this time, my heart was broken, held together with Scotch tape.

This year the beauty HE filled into the cracks is amazing!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~In the midst of my broken heart last year, I did not know

WHERE God was and often wondered if He had abandoned me.

My relationship with Him has changed into one

that I have never had before although I accepted Him into my heart

as a little girl.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~I do not know if I have had MUCH change in this area

due to the fact that my life is limited in physical ways,

however, that has helped me emotionally and spiritually

to stop striving so much because I have been forced to slow down.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~Although I am an extrovert, I had been deeply hurt by "people"

and felt innately sensitive and and angry.

So I often pulled away. Although I am still working on this.

My 31 days of {RE}discovering the Lord in October

culminating in my surprise open door to the Relevant conference,

seemed to open that door wide open.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Being able to set my own schedule.

Having variety within my job description.

Exercising both my left & right brains

through both organizational skill and creative outlets

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Worry and anxiety when I should have been trusting and resting in Him

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Growing as a writer. Loving on people.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~God is working in the details

even when I think He was forgotten or abandoned me.

His love for me looks, practically, different than what I expected.

And His plans for me are more creative

than the space I had previously given Him to work in me.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

~Stand and watch in amazement at how God redeems your broken pieces.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q&A.

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 31 - The Pursuit

31 days ago, I embarked on a journey of {RE}discovery.

Longing to find the Father's heart, to understand my Savior's love, and to experience afresh the Spirit's peace, I forged on a path which made me tremble and quake with the potential locked inside of this October month.

I started off pretty scared as to what this journey had to offer, but was quickly reminded that He is truly precious to me.

Within the first few days, I felt discouraged that this journey was futile or uninspired, but eventually remembered that He puts the lonely in families and in friendships.

He taught me to {RE}discover Him in the ordinary and how to let go of my own way/self/desires to open the door for others to come to Him.

And then Day 12, my life completely transformed when I {RE}discovered the source of my tears, the heart of my brokenness, the purpose in this LONG season of pain, and then continued to find that THROUGH this brokenness, I was being made whole.

Source

I learned that I am stronger then I thought I was because through my weakness, He shines through with amazing strength.

He opened doors for me to use my own road of brokenness to encourage others in their hard times. He teaches me to see beyond my own limitations, to look through His eyes -- eyes of faith.

Source

I am learning to dance in the rain -- the circumstances, the trials, the heart aches.

And then God gave me a beautiful gift that I had been longing for for 6 months and taught me how to talk to Him in new ways through the beauty of grace.

He pushed me into the direction of my dreams and His purpose and finding a way to let my skills and passion intersect. And then as I begin to step out into that "sweet spot", disappointments & fears arise, but my life is His, and He is never disappointed in me.

Who knew that in 31 days, I could really {RE}discover so much, and that my life, my heart, my dreams, my vision could be so effectively transformed more into His image, more into His heartbeat??

I am in awe of how when we are ready to meet Him, He is always there willing to capture our hearts once again....waiting with open arms.

“And after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will . . . find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me -- I want you to pursue me." Amazing.

As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted.”

― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart:

Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

Previous - Day 30 :: The Disappointing

Want to start at the beginning??

Click here to read the entire 31 day journey

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 21 - The Beyond

GO.

Beyond the ordinary.
Beyond what seems possible.
Beyond the ceiling of limitations.
Beyond your wildest dreams.

That is who He is to me.
He is the One who sees beyond what I can see,
beneath the surface of what IS,
behind the walls of darkness that try to swallow whole
our goals
our dreams
our destiny.

HE SEES.

Beyond.

When I look through His eyes, love with His heart, walk in His image...
He teaches me to...

to go
beyond
the obvious
the hurting
the power
the rage
the desperation.

In myself and in those with whom He places in my path
if I can see beyond,
if you can view beyond,
imagine,
just imagine with me
the beauty
that COULD be
the wonder that is in store
when beyond our human understanding
we see the purpose He has planned

Beyond our human imagination....

STOP.

{RE}discovery :: I am on a 31 day journey of {RE}discovering Him - His purpose, His heartbeat. Wrapping my mind around His BIG-ness, the magnitude of His power & love, gives me a new glimpse into WHO He is and WHO I can be IN Him.

Previous - Day 20 :: The Value

Next - Day 22 :: The Dance

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 13 - The Wisdom

I am just kind of in awe of this revelation that God has given to me. The wholeness IN Him, taking me, holding my hand, and sometimes even carrying me through this intense season of brokenness struck me with amazing REALness.

HE is with me.

Even when I HATE the process

Even when I think HE hates ME. {which I know He doesn't}

Even when I cry because I think I cannot take any more.

Even when the heart break threatens to suck me into its black hole.

Even then....

He is with me.

Changing me.

Transforming me.

Developing me.

Into His image.

Reflecting His heartbeat.

Shining His light.

Walking in my purpose.

{RE}discovery :: The journeys that we take often seem irrelevant, insignificant, & maybe even irreverent in some ways, and yet the more, the longer, the harder, I cling to Him, I start to become that which moves His heart, brings joy to the world, and surrenders to the One who knows the end from the beginning.

How little people know who think that holiness is dull.

When one meets the real thing,

it is irresistible.

~C.S. Lewis

Previous - Day 12 :: The Broken

Next - Day 14 :: The Coach

A Few Little Goals

I have a couple of "little" goals that I have decided on for this year that I want to work towards. I won't be perfectionistic or religious about it. I am just going to take one day at a time, and work toward living IN those moments and days and not just at the potential outcome.

So here they are......

#1 - Blog each day of the year, even if some posts are simple like a Scripture, a quote, a song, a picture, etc, and whether I "feel" like it or feel inspired at all.

#2 - I am joining the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team in where women will join together in accountability to memorize 2 Scriptures of your choice per month for the year.

#3 - In the next week or month, I am going to choose ONE word as a theme for my 2011. I just discovered this "concept" in the blogging world yesterday so I am obviously a bit behind...nonetheless, I will ask the Lord to show me His theme for me and let that be a guide for what I write about this year. And when I know what that is, YOU will be the first to know so watch this space! :)

So there you go. I've put it out there. For better or worse. Pass or fail.

But, isn't that how it is with the Father? You just have to take a leap, a step, or maybe just a tiny little decision in your soul/spirit, and then He takes it and makes something beautiful and unexpected even during the times when it seems REAL messy.

What are your dreams/desires/goals/plans for 2011?

20 Questions for 2010

I thought I would share my thoughts of my own reflections of 2010 to keep me accountable to do it, and I hope that you will join me either in your comments below, on your own blog, or in a personal journal. I would love to hear what last year meant to you, so would you consider sharing your answer to even just one of the questions below....??

Happy Reading, Processing, and Writing!

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~God saved my parents and so many loved ones in the January 12 Haiti earthquake



2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Waiting 18 hours to hear from my parents after the initial quake

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~Spending Christmas with my family


4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~Still not having our own little one by the end of this year

5. Pick three words to describe 2010.

~Hard. Challenging. Milestone.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Hard. Scary. Heart-breaking.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (again, without asking).

~Tough. Challenging. Faith-building.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Hinds Feet on High Places, My Utmost for His Highest (partial), and my beloved, Anne of Green Gables series




9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~My husband, my parents, my sister, Pastors Bert & Charne, some KINDRED besties (you know who you are!)

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~Moving from South Africa to America



11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Discovering some of my key weaknesses and how much I "can't" do alone

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~Revelled in the amazing grace of God in ways that I never expected

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~Learning how to slow down, rest, listen to my body, regroup, and to stop trying to prove something to myself and/or others by how MUCH I can do (still learning.....)

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~WOW! I value people EVEN more than I did before, and I was raised with that appreciation but it increased infinitely in the past year.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Connecting with "my people" -- disciples, co-workers, leaders -- sharing Jesus & life together

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Figuring out how to balance my love for the work and the people with my physical health

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Probably TV

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Learning to spend time receiving the love of the Father, starting & working on this blog, encouraging others when I can, connecting with friends {new & old} who have encouraged me

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~"I" have to stop trying to do EVERYTHING in my life and relationship with God in my own strength and ability

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.

~My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is made perfect in your weaknesses...