Wednesday, October 12, 2011

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 12 - The Broken


Today I read Emily's post at Chatting at the Sky about why we cry, where the tears come from, and how they connect to our heart, our calling, our purpose.

You really should read the post.

So I started thinking about what brings tears to my eyes.

Six months ago, her video clip about her book, Grace for the Good Girl, came out, and I just wept in the recognition that "I am that girl." It fueled my journey through grace and redemption even more.

I randomly put on the Lifetime channel on Sunday night as I was winding down to sleep. I didn't know what I was watching at first, and then I realized it was 5 stories of women with breast cancer. If I had realized, I probably would not have watched it. I don't like to watch things that I know will make me sad. But I am glad I didn't know ahead of time because it moved me so much - their stories, their sorrow, their brokenness, their families, their heartaches -- so powerful!

This morning, I listened again to the Come Home song by Meredith Andrews that I posted in yesterday's post, and I cried all over again. I discovered the inspiration behind her song was her prodigal brother -- was close to the Father, but had walked away -- and I thought of the prodigals that I know, and those that I do not. And my heart longed to tell, to scream, to shout to them....COME HOME!

And then I read Emily's words ::

"Here is where your heart beats strong.
Here is a hint to your design.
Here is a gift from your inner life,
sent to remind you those things that make you come alive."

and the tears came.
And I realized that my tears come for broken people.

I have always known, probably since I was a teenager, that I wanted to work with people, in some way shape or form, and I have done that in full time ministry for 10 years.

But I had to take some time away, for many reasons, but one was because I was broken....still am in many ways.

I have experienced brokenness these past few years in a way that I never knew possible.

But now....

I understand broken people a little better...a little more...
I can SEE brokenness in others with more keenness and awareness than before.

And since....
I carry my own scars.
I have a testimony that maybe will open the door of broken hearts for me to come in.

I cry as I write this.
I look up to Heaven and I say, "THANK YOU!"
Then I laugh at myself while tears still stream down my face,

Am I really here?
Have I really arrived at this place
where I can say "Thank You"
from the depths of my heart
and mean it....truly mean it?

I am scared to say YES, scared of what might come of all of this, but I cannot dispute the joy that bubbles deep....oh so deep.....that cannot help but overflow in laughter from my lips.....I feel like a crazy person! Laughing with soulful mirth while shedding tears like unspoken words.

And I know it's not over.
I know that I'm not finished with my own sorrows and heartaches.
I know, too, that I am changed forever, and for a long time, that hurt so desperately.
There is a pain that struggles to find voice when one feels they have lost the essence of themselves.

But maybe that is not so bad anymore.
Maybe, oh maybe, dare I say it, maybe even better???

Oh, I have to laugh now.
At the wonder of our Savior, our Creator, our Father, our Friend.

{RE}discovery :: Maybe this broken little girl can walk NOW into others' broken places with the gentle grace of the Shepherd that she learned in her valley of the shadow of death.

And maybe, it really could be "worth it all."

{this post has a video}


Beverly Brumbley said... Best Blogger Tips

Love how the Lord walks beside us, holds our hand, and carries us, if necessary on the journeys of life that we travel.  He is faithful and true. So beautiful to read about your (re)discovery today!  I love you, Baby!

Katy said... Best Blogger Tips

=) i heard they talked a bit about being wounded healers at the world association conference for christian counselors. and i'm with hard as it is to be broken, you start to relate and get the other broken people a bit more. 

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Wow! Love that...."wounded healers"


lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Yes, Mom. Thanks for teaching us that as well as standing by me/us through this season/mountain.

Shelley said... Best Blogger Tips

You are cleaning the greatest truth here.  This has been my discovery through brokenness too - my brokenness allows more compassion, more grace a deep understanding of another broken soul.  Thats the beautiful part of brokeness x

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

This particular rediscovery has truly changed my life....thanking God for revealing a piece of HIs process to me.

Jenny said... Best Blogger Tips

I end up watching a lot of sad movies and documentary films. It can be a heavy weight on the soul, but it also allows reality to shine through the fake smiles we see constantly.

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