When the Word for This Season is "Hold On!"

It has been four weeks since our {foster} baby, Little Man, left us.

A very, LONG, four weeks.

Two weeks ago we got a beautiful long afternoon visit with him and bio dad.
This was glorious.
This was hard.

I do not know if I can do "just a visit" again
And yet...I know in my heart, I would never say no to seeing that precious face.

Every day I pray for him, long for him, sing over him in spite of the miles that separate us.
I pray for his healing, for his heart and mind, for the miracles concerning his life...and ours...that the Lord has promised me. And recently, I started praying for bio dad and bio mom, for their full restoration emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I am believing for redemption to be all over this journey.
I am believing for things that the natural eye cannot see.
I am believing for this story...and all the characters involved...to shout the fame of Jesus Christ.
I am believing for a life song of His grace and glory.

I am believing for the radical.
Not because that is my nature
Or because believing this way comes easy.

I am believing this way because Jesus asked me to do so.
Because He placed this overwhelming momma heart in me.
Because He told me that our stories are not done being intertwined yet.
Because HE WILL NOT LET ME.....LET GO.

And how that would be easier...
to shut this door,
to cry and ache and grieve,
and then to just move on with our lives.

But HE will not let me.
He Will Not.

So I sit here
in the tension of the waiting
not knowing exactly HOW I am supposed to walk this road.

"I'll teach you..."
He whispers to my soul in the darkest night.

And each day I check in again...
"Still, Jesus? How much longer?"

His heart smiles and breathes new strength for this day into my weary soul.
"Hold on, baby girl, hold on.  Just a little bit longer.  Just a little bit more."

The Miracle of the Little Things

"Ow!"

I said to myself as I woke up with this nagging thingamagjig moving around my eye. I blinked a bit and pressed my eye, and went on to get dressed.

I visited with my mom, met the French lady from California waiting in our house for her friend to arrive from the airport, baked cookies, and planned for the day. All the while, the foreign entity in my eye just would not seem to quit its persistent annoyance. We searched for drops to bring some ease, alas to no avail. I scoured Google for natural cures, imploying them immediately with vigor gaining only increasingly, severe irritation for my trouble.

With frustration and exhaustion, I collapsed upon my bed fighting tears and hysteria. {Sometimes reading Google DOES NOT help the psyche}.

Yet in the midst of the unrelenting aggravation, I couldn't help but think about those little things.

You know the little foxes that ruin the vines....

...getting rained on on the way to a meeting
...babies and pets throwing up on those newly cleaned floors
...constant nuisance of an invisible speck in the eye

Little agitations and frustrations fling unwittingly into the day and threaten to overthrow our sanity. Before we even know it, we find annoyances and hurts and anger to be our companions. They destroy our peace and shatter the cadence by which we move and breathe.

When no relief would come to my eye, I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, and when I awoke, the pain and redness and displeasure was completely gone.

I fought the rest because I had "things to do" and "came to Haiti to help" but apparently, for today at least, those were not in the plans.

Just like my body needed tears and rest to heal itself, so does my soul, my heart, my character.

And while the little things COULD destroy me, they could also be the very thing that lead me back to the safety of His arms, if only I take the time to trust in His ways.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”

~Psalm 91:1-2

Relentless Love

Dictionary.com and the Free Dictionary describe relentless this way:

"unyieldingly severe, strict, or harsh"

with mercy even being illustrated as the antonym.

And yet relentless is the journey the Father is taking me on this year, and I am learning how because He first paved the way with grace and then showed me redemption that I am seeing this relentless adventure a bit differently now.

Merriam-Webster.com recounts the definition this way:

"showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace"

like relentless optimism, relentless grace, relentless hope, relentless love......

The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

His love is RELENTLESS for all....in every circumstance.

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the relentless love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. I just know you are going to LOVE to hear from each of them because well, I can honestly say that I have spent time either in person, over the phone, on LONG Twitter/Gmail/Facebook chats, or all of the above with each blogger sharing this month and I count them all as friends. The fact that I get to SHARE my friends with you is a REAL treat to this psychology/communications degreed girl.

So before they come and start meeting you next week...I wanted to introduce them to give you a chance to go and nose around at their blogs and fall in love with their words and hearts like I have!

Katy @ B'ahava

Christina @ Momma Day by Day

Cara @ Whimsy Smitten

Paige @ Becoming Paige

Jen @ I Believe in Love

Kamille @ Redeeming the Table

Jennifer @ You are My Girls

Anna @ Anna's Joy

Annie @ Annie at Home

Holley @ Heart to Heart with Holley

And there may be a few more friends and surprises popping up throughout the month too so I hope you will join us during the love month as we go deeper into His Relentless Love!

“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”

-G.K. Chesterton

Who am I to Judge? {Relentless Grace}

It's funny how God reveals His character to you.
It's funny how He shows you when yours needs some tweaking.

And not funny-ha-ha, but funny ironic....funny surprising.

Last night, Arno and I sat down for Week 2 of our foster care/adoption training-certification classes. The room was filled with nearly 20 people, each with different motivations and agendas for taking these classes. Too many, it is personal -- getting back their grandchildren or a brother who is part of "the system." For others, like us, it is global, more generalized -- to make a difference in the life of a child/children. Whatever each individual's incentive, the general consensus in the room is a heart for children, a desire to help the helpless. It is kind of a beautiful thing really, finding this common bond beyond generation or race or religious affiliation.

And yet, people are still people and with the informal format lending itself to open discussion, opinions quickly come to the surface from those who cannot hold their feelings at bay and lay open, bare, on the table.

This study of people fascinates the psychology-lover in my brain. The group dynamics, the point-of-views of the various cultural backgrounds, and the way each one's desire to be there triggers a deep, raw place of BIG emotion amazes me.

We are not merely here in a class to learn.

We are here because we care and we care BIG and we care HARD

and sometimes the emotions are bigger than we can handle.

So as I quietly watched the dynamics unfold and listened to the opinions of others as well as to the continuing mantra of not judging others being repeated by the facilitator -- each other, birth parents, the social workers -- I realized that albeit calm and discreet in my mannerisms, my heart and mind boomed with emotions and opinions as large as any other person in the room.

As we drove home last night, I articulated to my love some of these weaknesses that I saw in my own heart, these judgments STILL there in spite of my own incredible journey of grace....

How could I think that my appraisal and examination of another's faults or weaknesses should be the measuring stick to which I hold another's value or worth?

And yet....what do I do when those ill-fated choices have impacted the life of a child negatively? In spite of my own barren arms, the momma-bear heart beats violently in my chest to rescue and to run away with this broken little ones to never be hurt again?

But where is the love?
Where is the redemption in my heart?

Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family?
Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?

Who am I to judge?

....and I then realized that I am there for more than to learn to be a "good" foster parent....

I am on this journey to love MORE like Jesus.
To understand His unchanging mercy,
His propensity to redeem EVERYTHING,
His as-far-as-the-east-is-from-the-west grace

To allow Him to be RELENTLESS........

in changing me.....

into His image.

And I cannot help but smile.....

Yeah. He's kinda funny...this Father of mine.

Maybe even a little funny ha-ha.

Must Love God :: The Scarlet Thread

I am so excited, thrilled, ecstatic, ENTHUSIASTICALLY ready to share with you one of the beautiful new doors God has opened this year.


Must Love God is a brand new space where women can share their hurts, struggles, weaknesses, and brokenness together, as we learn daily to drink deeply from the living well. This site is meant to be a home away from home where you can bring your dirty "laundry", throw it in with ours, and we will wash together.

No judgments. No staring. No finger-pointing.

Just living water.

Changing water.

Life-giving water.

To this broken girl, in desperate need of His daily grace, on a relentless journey to stay submerged in His heart, I was SO IN to being a part of that.

So I am getting to write there today! Yay!

Won't you come on over and not only read my post, but stay there for awhile and meet some of the other REAL LIFE, BROKEN YET REDEEMED women?

Check out the forum where you can openly share your heart in a safe place and find others who struggle with the same things -- emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual -- or at least FEEL the same desperation.

A friend in college used to say, "Different circumstance; same emotions."

You are not alone.
Together.
We find our purpose in His love.

#MustLoveGod

So what are you waiting for? Let's go there together......shall we??

Five Minute Friday: Roar

I am woman hear me ROAR!

That is the first phrase that came to my mind hearing the prompt today.

It's kind of funny actually because I have walked through a journey of several years feeling like anything but the King, ahem, Queen of the Jungle.

But this year, God has transformed me, redeemed me, and now is taking me on a relentless quest to the depths of His love, the width of His grace, the boundlessness of His mercies.

I am thrilled for this pilgrimage, willing my mind to get lost in the rapture of knowing Him more. Longing to stand on the precipice of "those" moments in life and belting out that raging ROAR....

Because He is alive IN me, THROUGH me, ON me....
Because I have a purpose, a destiny inside of Him
That matters
That matters.

I am woman. Hear me ROAR.
Yeah.....
....I guess I am.


Wonder what this Five Minute Friday thing is all about? Well, here it is...in the words of The Gypsy Mama herself.

"The first Friday of the new year.

Let’s do it. Let’s just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Let your mind and your words and your heart fly free; wild – no editing, no over thinking.

Won’t you join me?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – don’t edit; don’t second-guess.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Must: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready?"

One Word 2012

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

I have been asking the Lord for weeks to show me the OneWord that He would have me focus on for this year. I have made lists after soaking in sermons, reading blog posts, meditating on various Scriptures, and listening to worship.

I have pondered and prayed.
I have processed and prepared.
My mind.
My heart.
My soul.
For what He has for me.
What He wants to speak to me.

You see last year, the year of Redeemed, transformed my life, and so that is a lot for this next little word to live up to, and I wanted to make sure it was His word, not mine;
His leading, not my direction;
His heart, not my will.

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

So, because I am ME, I psyched myself out a bit....and I realized I needed to take a step back.
And then I wrote a post on New Year's Day about my first lesson in grace, and I had a new bloggy friend tell me, "Maybe GRACE is your word for this year."

And I thought, "Really God? Grace was like 2010 and then has sort of been the underlying theme anyway..."

Then suddenly I realized..."This is my decade of grace."

(which REALLY excites me by the way)

That brought me to the place of asking the Lord,

"What aspect of grace do you want to teach me this year?"

On Tuesday night, I went to our church's annual Answer the Call, 21-days of corporate prayer and fasting, and in my spirit, I prayed that the Lord would show me His heart for me, my life, my family, my future this year.

And suddenly there is was.....

"You won't relent until you have it all....

....my heart is yours."

Relentless

Existing or occurring without interruption or end: persistent, around-the-clock, ceaseless, constant, continual, continuous, dogged, endless, eternal, everlasting, incessant, indefatigable, interminable, never-ending, nonstop, ongoing, perpetual, persistent, round-the-clock, single-minded, tenacious, timeless, unabating, unceasing, unending, unfailing, unfaltering, uninterrupted, unremitting, untiring, unwavering

His love is unwavering.
His mercy is endless.
His grace is indefatigable.
He is relentless.
in His pursuit of my heart
in His expression of His love for me
in His never-ending, single-minded determination to show me that I am HIS.

And He teaches me
to be tenacious in my relationship with Him
to be constant in allowing His grace to flow through me
to be dogged in my resolve to surrender my life at His feet
to be persistent in my journey of faith & trust in Him
to live perpetually in the grip of grace
to relentlessly remember His love holds me, His grace binds me, His mercy revives me daily.

He has been relentless to redeem my broken pieces,

even when I wanted to give up.
And I find myself caught up in His passionate tenderness

to me, for me, in me,

and through me.

This year.

2012.

A journey.

That is.

RELENTLESS.

Video imbedded - Click here to view

20 Questions for 2011

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~{RE}discovering God's heart and seeing how His hand has

& continues to redeem the broken pieces in my life

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Adjusting to life not being in full-time ministry and how I viewed myself

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~2 part-time jobs where I can set my own schedule

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~I don't think this would be considered unexpected,

but the fact that I am still dealing with unclear chronic pain

for going on 3 years now has been an ongoing obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

~Redemption. Grace. Rediscovery.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Peace. Rest. Quiet.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

~Relaxation. Rest. Change.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Grace for the Good Girl, all of Ted Dekker's 2011 releases

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~Arno, my bffs, Tricia & Alison, my parents, my sister,

my bloggy friends, including Relevant & (in)courage ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~a radical change from heavy brokenness to amazing redemption

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Last year at this time, my heart was broken, held together with Scotch tape.

This year the beauty HE filled into the cracks is amazing!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~In the midst of my broken heart last year, I did not know

WHERE God was and often wondered if He had abandoned me.

My relationship with Him has changed into one

that I have never had before although I accepted Him into my heart

as a little girl.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~I do not know if I have had MUCH change in this area

due to the fact that my life is limited in physical ways,

however, that has helped me emotionally and spiritually

to stop striving so much because I have been forced to slow down.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~Although I am an extrovert, I had been deeply hurt by "people"

and felt innately sensitive and and angry.

So I often pulled away. Although I am still working on this.

My 31 days of {RE}discovering the Lord in October

culminating in my surprise open door to the Relevant conference,

seemed to open that door wide open.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Being able to set my own schedule.

Having variety within my job description.

Exercising both my left & right brains

through both organizational skill and creative outlets

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Worry and anxiety when I should have been trusting and resting in Him

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Growing as a writer. Loving on people.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~God is working in the details

even when I think He was forgotten or abandoned me.

His love for me looks, practically, different than what I expected.

And His plans for me are more creative

than the space I had previously given Him to work in me.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

~Stand and watch in amazement at how God redeems your broken pieces.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q&A.

My Broken Pieces :: Redeemed

It was about a year ago that I first heard about the One Word community -- a gathering of people prayerfully asking the Father to give them one word to individually guide their lives for the year.

And I wanted in.
To simplify.
To slow down.
To listen better
Without all the words
and timelines
and goals
and noise
because for me, I was too caught up in my own perfectionistic world
so One Word
was....perfect....for me.


So the Lord dropped the word REDEEMED into my heart, my spirit.
And I set off on a journey to discover what that meant for me, what He was speaking to me, and what would happen inside of me.

I realized that if I were to highlight a word for 2010 in hindsight, it would be GRACE. And as this year progressed, it seemed that the majority of the lessons were still centered around grace. In fact, you will find twice as many tags for grace in my history than redeemed. So I wondered if I had chosen the wrong word, if I had not heard Him correctly, but I pressed on determined to walk the path and complete the road of discovery He had been guiding me through.

And then last month, I was talking to a friend, sharing bits and pieces of my journey, my struggles, my fears, my pain, my ugly, and I revealed how I had finally seen God's hand and heart after several years of mistrust and hurt and how through my tears, laughter and thankfulness came.

I, then, heard myself saying,

"It's amazing how in the midst of the biggest hurt of my life. In the midst of the trials and pain, I am finding joy. And nothing has really changed, but the brokenness makes more sense now. And I realize that He is REDEEM-ing everything for His glory, for my future, for a treasure to give to the world."

And the words caught in my throat.
And I gasped in that incredible moment of realization....

He has redeemed my broken pieces.


He is using the hard.
He has plans even in my mess.
He is good even when sorrow is like my own skin.
Everything is being redeemed
by the One who knows me better than I could ever know myself.

Nothing is left spilled and wasted on the ground.
Even the chaff has purpose with Him.

My life is Redeemed.

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 22 - The Dance

For the first time in 21 days, I missed a day of posting.

#Fail

However, I am not beating myself up or scolding myself incessantly

{Yeah...I have been THAT girl....SO OFTEN!!}

My life has become a symphony written TO Grace.

The way she moves.
The rhythms of her essence.
The harmony with which she pulls the pieces together.

And yesterday, I felt bad -- REAL bad.

You see, I have these health issues that I don't talk about a whole lot because well, I don't really know what's up and neither do the docs and well, I just don't often feel like "going there" but sometimes I have a doosey of a day where functioning like a "normal" person, is JUST not in the cards.

So another movement is being written
and I live in the rapture of grace, believing that He has

an answer,

a solution,

and yes....even a miracle for me.

It has changed my life in many ways, but I have learned am constantly learning that His plans and purposes never count me out.

Yes. The picture that is developing isn't not quite what I had in mind.
But I think that it may even be better than I could have imagined.
In spite of the pain.
Heck...maybe even BECAUSE of the pain.


{RE}discovery :: In every situation, He teaches me. He changes me. He molds me to become a little more like Him, to have MORE of His heart, to shine His light into the world. I am learning not just to be content in ALL situations....He is teaching me to dance, even if that is sometimes JUST on the inside!!

Previous - Day 21 :: The Beyond

Next - Day 23 :: The Gift

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 12 - The Broken

Today I read Emily's post at Chatting at the Sky about why we cry, where the tears come from, and how they connect to our heart, our calling, our purpose.

You really should read the post.

It is JUST -- THAT GOOD -- SERIOUSLY!!

So I started thinking about what brings tears to my eyes.

Six months ago, her video clip about her book, Grace for the Good Girl, came out, and I just wept in the recognition that "I am that girl." It fueled my journey through grace and redemption even more.

I randomly put on the Lifetime channel on Sunday night as I was winding down to sleep. I didn't know what I was watching at first, and then I realized it was 5 stories of women with breast cancer. If I had realized, I probably would not have watched it. I don't like to watch things that I know will make me sad. But I am glad I didn't know ahead of time because it moved me so much - their stories, their sorrow, their brokenness, their families, their heartaches -- so powerful!

This morning, I listened again to the Come Home song by Meredith Andrews that I posted in yesterday's post, and I cried all over again. I discovered the inspiration behind her song was her prodigal brother -- was close to the Father, but had walked away -- and I thought of the prodigals that I know, and those that I do not. And my heart longed to tell, to scream, to shout to them....COME HOME!

And then I read Emily's words ::

"Here is where your heart beats strong.

Here is a hint to your design.

Here is a gift from your inner life,

sent to remind you those things that make you come alive."

and the tears came.

And I realized that my tears come for broken people.

I have always known, probably since I was a teenager, that I wanted to work with people, in some way shape or form, and I have done that in full time ministry for 10 years.

But I had to take some time away, for many reasons, but one was because I was broken....still am in many ways.

I have experienced brokenness these past few years in a way that I never knew possible.

But now....

I understand broken people a little better...a little more...

I can SEE brokenness in others with more keenness and awareness than before.

And since....

I carry my own scars.

I have a testimony that maybe will open the door of broken hearts for me to come in.

I cry as I write this.

I look up to Heaven and I say, "THANK YOU!"

Then I laugh at myself while tears still stream down my face,

Am I really here?

Have I really arrived at this place

where I can say "Thank You"

from the depths of my heart

and mean it....truly mean it?

I am scared to say YES, scared of what might come of all of this, but I cannot dispute the joy that bubbles deep....oh so deep.....that cannot help but overflow in laughter from my lips.....I feel like a crazy person! Laughing with soulful mirth while shedding tears like unspoken words.

And I know it's not over.

I know that I'm not finished with my own sorrows and heartaches.

I know, too, that I am changed forever, and for a long time, that hurt so desperately.

There is a pain that struggles to find voice when one feels they have lost the essence of themselves.

But maybe that is not so bad anymore.

Maybe, oh maybe, dare I say it, maybe even better???

Hahahahahahahaha!!

Oh, I have to laugh now.

At the wonder of our Savior, our Creator, our Father, our Friend.

{RE}discovery :: Maybe this broken little girl can walk NOW into others' broken places with the gentle grace of the Shepherd that she learned in her valley of the shadow of death.

And maybe, it really could be "worth it all."

{this post has a video}

Previous - Day 11 :: The Letting-Go

Next - Day 13 :: The Wisdom

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 11 - The Letting-Go

{RE}discovery :: When I "let go" and allow God to have complete control of my life, when I am "real" about my journey -- the ups and downs, when I walk with an attitude of openness to all that God has for me, I open up the doors for others to SEE Him in my life, for them to know that I, like each of us, need His grace, for them to know His love is SO-JUST-FOR-THEM -- to come home -- where they belong.

Today.

This is my prayer.

Previous - Day 10 :: The Potential

Next - Day 12 :: The Broken

Linking up with Heart to Heart with Holley in You Are Called

When Life Is Full Of Unanswered Questions

When we left South Africa, a year ago this week to take an extended sabbatical period, I was really scared.

Are we doing the right thing?

Is this TRULY God's plan for us?

How can I be 100% sure that we are walking

in God's perfect will for us in this season?

These and hundreds of other questions floated around in my mind for months & months causing me fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow, pain, heartache.

I remember telling my mom at one point,

"This is either the best or the worst decision of our lives."

And feeling that emotion & dealing with those thoughts put an enormous amount of pressure to find "the purpose" or "the reason" in all of this -- this season of feeling that our life, as we knew it, is indefinitely on hold.

For what??

I.

don't.

know.

How do you answer other people's questions when the ones in your own head are screaming for answers that have yet to be unraveled?

And then.

A few weeks ago, I came across this Scripture:

“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,

with faith and love in Christ Jesus.

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—

guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”

-2 Timothy 1:13-14

And suddenly, it hit me.

I am HERE....NOW because I needed to guard my heart.

Live to fight another day.

Protect the goose that lays the golden egg {as my wise husband likes to say it}.

And for us, for me, that was stopping, resting, taking a time out to stop my perfectionistic, analytical, problem-solving, energy-filled, purpose-driven self from running out of steam too soon.

I know that the Lord told me over a year ago that if I kept up at the pace that I was going I would die.

Yes, I said it.

I.

Would.

Die.

That's hard to type that.

Hard to admit that I was "there".

Hard to know that "I" got myself there in many ways by my SUPER-DOOPER-DRIVEN self.

And in the process the storms of life, the heartaches in relationships, and the trials of man took their toll on this little girl. Because THAT is exactly how I felt - like a broken little girl - longing, hoping, wishing, praying....and yet feeling so alone.

And in the darkest hour, Grace answered my cries....

He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

Grace made room for my sorrow, hurt, pain, & brokenness.

Grace gave me room to rediscover my Savior, myself, my purpose.

And I am still on that journey.

In many ways, I don't have any more definitive answers today than I did one year ago.

But, walking this journey has opened my eyes to truths for which I will one day find the words.

I know that some people have not understood the choices we have made.

I mean - I don't even understand them.

But I think grace/love/purpose look a little different than people may think,
MUCH Different than I thought.

That's for sure.

So because He rescued me, I cling to Him, even when I want to scream and pound His chest in angst and frustration.

I cling to Him.

Grace has captured my heart & soul.

And I know....nothing is wasted with my Jesus.

All of THIS will be redeemed.

Are We There Yet?

"When is this season going to end?"

In nature, about every 3 months or so, the seasons change -- fresh spring, balmy summer, radiant fall, and chilly winter -- unless, of course, you grew up in the Caribbean like I did and it is summer all year long or in the Arctic where...well....you get the idea.

Seasons are a part of life, and sometimes seasons are never-ending and excruciatingly long and other times, they zip by causing you to lament their passing.

So you can imagine what season I am in, right?

"Daddy, are we there yet?"

For the past 2 years, personal heartache, natural diaster, chronic physical pain, difficult interpersonal issues, cross-Atlantic moving, delayed dreams, and an overall sense of "Who-the-heck-am-I?" have dominated this season, and while some things have moved forward and small changes have happened, I have wondered OFTEN how long this interval of life could possibly last!

And yet....
{There always seems to be an "and yet...." with God, right?}

And yet, in these past two years, I have learned SO much that would most likely have been impossible without this season.

I have been REDEEMED by An Amazing Man.

His Grace is my anthem.

The Love of the King holds me up every day.

How I got this place has many layers and many blog posts to truly tell the full story, but somewhere along the way, I learned this....

My Christian walk is less about proving my love for Jesus as much as it is about acknowledging that....

HE.

Loves.

ME.

Amazing!

I attribute a big part of that to podcast teachings by Joseph Prince that I began to listen to.

One, in fact, really stands out to me,

"You are loved by the Beloved. When you walk into a room, no matter what others think or say, it doesn't matter, because you can say and remind yourself, 'The beloved of Christ has just walked into the door......and that's me!'"

It's funny because when you change your thinking {which I have to CONSTANTLY do, by the way}, it transforms how you see the world. Suddenly what others think or say doesn't REALLY matter because the Creator of the universe who just so happens to know me by name and be acquainted with ALL of my ways....LOVES ME!

So yeah, like I said, I have to remind myself ALL-THE-TIME to walk in this assured confidence, to stop repetitively proving myself, to yield daily my trust in Him and His perfect plan and His unwavering love NO-MATTER-WHAT, even when all I want to say is....

"When is this season going to end?"

***Photo Credit***

Joining with Heart to Heart with Holley with

"In God's Heart I Am....Loved"

and

and

A Journey towards Childlike Faith

This week, I felt really challenged by Bonnie Gray's prompt to look up and write on a Scripture about faith.

So I pulled out search engined a concordance and found a Scripture that really spoke to me.

But then I was stumped???

How do I put into words WHY this Scripture speaks to my personal journey of faith?

Over the past year, my faith walk has been filled with tremendous ups and downs leaving me reeling, replaying, rethinking, and wondering who I am, what my specific purpose is and how the choices I am making & people I am connected(ing) with are shaping my destiny.

Leaving full time ministry, even for just this extended sabbatical period, has been ridiculously scary.

My desire to simply "work with people" and to serve in a full time ministerial capacity has been my heart and in essence, a big part of my identity for the past 10 years. In many ways, even my relationship with God has found itself wrapped up in a life of service, giving, & discipleship.

In the face of all of these changes and questions, some recurring themes have consistently emerged.

Grace.

Redemption.

Rest.

Dreams.

Childlike faith.

I realized that in an effort to be "obedient" and in striving to "lay my life down," I sacrificed part of ME, part of my very nature.

My mom has often said to me, "Lindsey, be true to yourself and to the Lord. At the end of the day that is all the Lord asks of you."

Somewhere along the way, "doing the right thing," "following God's plan for my life," and "being true to what HE made me" got mixed up. Striving to find HIS plan/purpose in ME and through ME define this phase of my journey in the simplest way.

And yet, I am not simple. Far from it, in fact.

I don't think I ever was.

Even as a little girl. Just ask my mom.

But...

One thing that marked my childhood was....

....a sense of hopefulness

....the wonder of a dreamer

....a daily life filled with excitement

....an attitude joyfulness in life...especially in the little things

So I don't understand all of the whys, the whats, or the hows of the 30-something years thus far, but I do know that as I muddle through the complexities of this world and my own weaknesses, I desire to do so with the heart, the faith, the wonder of a child.

So today, that's what faith is to me.

Psalm 116:5-7 (NLT)

How kind the Lord is! How good he is!

So merciful, this God of ours!

The Lord protects those of childlike faith;

I was facing death, and he saved me.

Let my soul be at rest again,

for the Lord has been good to me.

A Year of Winter

It has been one year since I have seen spring.

One year of fall, winter, and then, fall and winter again {due to our hemispheric move at the time when spring would have begun in South Africa}.

While autumn is my favorite season, it IS a season of dying, albeit brilliant, yet it still leads to death.

So to go through back-to-back "dying & death" seasons physically and metaphorically, spring, this year, holds more excitement, meaning, and purpose than ever before.

But maybe not for the reasons that I hoped it would be....announcing an addition to our family. While that isn't the promise of THIS spring, IT DOES hold lots of promise.

How do I know this?

As we commemorate Jesus being risen from the grave almost 2,000 years ago today, I was reminded of how through His death, LIFE came -- physically in His body, but in an even greater way, spiritually in US!

My cats lived in Africa with us and so were also a part of this seasonal anomaly that was our reality, and today they lavished in the warmth and sunshine.

Morris didn't even want to come in all day...literally!

As I sat outside with them, I pondered the "season" we have been through, the miles we have traveled, the stresses we have weathered....And while I certainly don't have all the answers for this current season or the ones to come......I thanked God for spring, for resurrection, for new life, for redemption {my OneWord for this year, by the way}.

Billy Graham once said, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future."

And really with the future in HIS hands, what more can I ask for, right? Hahaha!

Oh, Lord, I trust in you. I know that my future is in Your hands. I know that You have THE ABSOLUTE BEST for me. I know that Your love for me knows no bounds. And yet, I know that my will falters, my heart fails, and my worries of the future get the best of me sometimes, so TODAY....AGAIN....I accept, I receive, I embrace Your AWESOME grace. And I commit to put my trust in You daily as you pour out your new mercies each morning. Thanks! You're the Best!