Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When Life Is Full Of Unanswered Questions

When we left South Africa, a year ago this week to take an extended sabbatical period, I was really scared.

Are we doing the right thing?

Is this TRULY God's plan for us?

How can I be 100% sure that we are walking
in God's perfect will for us in this season?

These and hundreds of other questions floated around in my mind for months & months causing me fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow, pain, heartache.

I remember telling my mom at one point,
"This is either the best or the worst decision of our lives."

And feeling that emotion & dealing with those thoughts put an enormous amount of pressure to find "the purpose" or "the reason" in all of this -- this season of feeling that our life, as we knew it, is indefinitely on hold.

For what??


How do you answer other people's questions when the ones in your own head are screaming for answers that have yet to be unraveled?

And then.

A few weeks ago, I came across this Scripture:

“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,
with faith and love in Christ Jesus.
Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—
guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”
-2 Timothy 1:13-14

And suddenly, it hit me.

I am HERE....NOW because I needed to guard my heart.
Live to fight another day.
Protect the goose that lays the golden egg {as my wise husband likes to say it}.

And for us, for me, that was stopping, resting, taking a time out to stop my perfectionistic, analytical, problem-solving, energy-filled, purpose-driven self from running out of steam too soon.

I know that the Lord told me over a year ago that if I kept up at the pace that I was going I would die.

Yes, I said it.


That's hard to type that.
Hard to admit that I was "there".
Hard to know that "I" got myself there in many ways by my SUPER-DOOPER-DRIVEN self.

And in the process the storms of life, the heartaches in relationships, and the trials of man took their toll on this little girl. Because THAT is exactly how I felt - like a broken little girl - longing, hoping, wishing, praying....and yet feeling so alone.

And in the darkest hour, Grace answered my cries....

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:19

Grace made room for my sorrow, hurt, pain, & brokenness.
Grace gave me room to rediscover my Savior, myself, my purpose.

And I am still on that journey.
In many ways, I don't have any more definitive answers today than I did one year ago.

But, walking this journey has opened my eyes to truths for which I will one day find the words.

I know that some people have not understood the choices we have made.
I mean - I don't even understand them.

But I think grace/love/purpose look a little different than people may think,
MUCH Different than I thought.
That's for sure.

So because He rescued me, I cling to Him, even when I want to scream and pound His chest in angst and frustration.

I cling to Him.

Grace has captured my heart & soul.

And I know....nothing is wasted with my Jesus.

All of THIS will be redeemed.


Drebeebaby said... Best Blogger Tips

Hmmm I like this. :) reminds of this verse... 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isa. 30:20-21 :)

Randee Jones said... Best Blogger Tips

Lindsay- I identify with so much of what you said!  Still lots of unanswered questions but thankful for grace to help to keep moving forward.  Just wanted to let you know that there are others walking the path of confusion (at times) and trust.


Katy said... Best Blogger Tips

oh dear one. thank you for sharing and being open and vulnerable. love you. and i hear you on SO many levels in this post.

Jen said... Best Blogger Tips

I so wish we lived just down the street from each other and we could get together and talk because I think we would totally understand each other!  I still don't always know what to tell people but I know without a doubt that this sabbatical has been beyond worth it.  Love that verse God gave you!

TL7inhaiti said... Best Blogger Tips

vreman vre

messymarriage said... Best Blogger Tips

Clinging to Him - the perfect plan no matter where you are or why you are where you are! Great post!

briantmiller said... Best Blogger Tips

smiles. everything has a purpose and nothing is random...enjoy each season for what it is...and if you needed a break from the pace to be useful in another season, so be it...

Loni @ Writing Canvas said... Best Blogger Tips

It is so neat when we find in God's Word confirmation.  Thank you so much for sharing!

C Moore said... Best Blogger Tips

I tend toward perfectionism, too, and even today have been feeling burdened by other's expectations and my own. Thank God for His grace and wise, supportive husbands!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

I love this! I have always loved the last part but never really "soaked" in the first part! Thanks for sharing it with me!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks so much, Randee, and I am sure you do in so many ways!  It is nice to know that I am not alone.  I appreciate you stopping by!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Love to you too!  Thanks for being a part of this journey with me!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, Jen! ME, TOO! Me too! And I agree!  Would love to talk to some one on a regular basis who totally gets the "weirdness" of a season like this.  Maybe someday we will get a good, long visit.

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks, Tara!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks so much!  I am trying to each day!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Amen. And amen.

Thank you for your kind words!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

I love that about His Word and Him - He is faithful even when I falter.

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Definitely! It's so nice to know that I am not alone! Appreciate you stopping by!

Emily Wierenga said... Best Blogger Tips

so very wise, friend. you are beautiful.

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, Emily! That touches my heart & encourages me SO very much...and your words were few & simple. What a beautiful power you have to speak to the soul!

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