Five Minute Friday :: REAL

Joining with our sweet Lisa-Jo, who challenges us every Friday to write just because you love it, just because it's fun, just because you were born to and you cannot help yourself and not to edit and hold back, but fly and dream and create and paint....oh well...you get the idea!!


This week's topic.....REAL

We're living real life over here
filled with rainy days, dirty dishes, and chronic pain.

Real days of loneliness and sorrow.
Heartbreak and empty arms.

Real moments of isolation, separation, and negotiation with the Father who ordains it all.

And suddenly, just when you finally start to fall into the hard realness of a life of waiting, or maybe when you have reached the end of your rope {the jury is still out on that one}, door opens up and you see His REAL hand putting the puzzle pieces together.

When the letter from Social Services that you have been waiting for, telling you that you are cleared to begin your home study, arrives in the midst of your unopened stack of mail, you blink at the timing...5 days after sleeping in your new house.

And then you look at the date. April 13th. The same day of the signing for said house.

And you cannot help but step back and say, "Wow, God...are you for REAL?"

For those who have been following and praying for our journey{and to those who are new here}, thank you for your continued prayers and support. We NEED them!! We met with our social worker yesterday to begin the home study process for foster care and adoption licensure. It is exciting and scary and amazing and awe-inspiring. Just watching Him piece together the puzzle pieces takes my breath away.


 

Project 365 :: Week 9

Day 57 :: My sister came to "sit" with me as I was recovering

from that infamous stomach flu to take care of me and

make sure that I was not alone

Day 58 :: Pulled out more "things" to pack, so

Patches decided that she wanted to help

Day 59 :: The birds were singing beautifully and LOUDLY.

There were a plethora of them all over my yard, trees, and

neighbors' yards. This is just a little peek into some who

were trilling from the tree tops.

Day 60 :: It's amazing the beautiful things you can find when

you walk just steps outside of the door {except the church

which was next to our foster care training class}.

Day 61 :: I am so excited to be helping my friend Peni with

admin work once a month. She has her own hair studio now

attached to her home. I loved this picture of her and her son

with the clippings of her life work all around.

Day 62 :: Spent an evening with the Kinlaws

We were all watching Macy watch Elmo.

This is one of her "classic" faces.

Day 63 :: My 16 year old cuz, Michaela, performed in

"Bye, Bye, Birdie" in her school play.

I so enjoyed watching her shine!

I'm on a journey to chronicle my life with a picture a day for a year. I hope to discover the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learn more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments. Linking up with my friend Paige and others who are taking this challenge too.

Five Minute Friday {And Then Some}: Ache

Everything's changed.
Nothing is the same anymore.
And you would think that with all 33 years of me, that wouldn't be a surprise...

Yet...it is.

Relationships have changed...distanced....some family...some friends, and I find myself at a loss of what to do or say anymore.

I used to blame myself -- this cursed, silent, invisible illness that plagues my days and my nights preventing me from living "normal" in the world. I used to blame that drastic earthquake that not only shook building but also me -- right to the core. I blamed that lonely place of infertility where people fear to tread and eventually walk away. I blamed my inner battle to allow people into these struggles and my blessed pride that pushed people away.

I blamed everyone. I blamed God.
And now ... I just do not know anymore.
Placing blame isn't really fair and it changes nothing

And yet....that ache...that miserable ache won't go, won't stay away.
That longing for what "used" to be, even if just in "feeling."

I am tired of the trying, tired of the questions, tired of the wondering, tired of all the whys, tired of the try-hards and the do-betters.

I cannot.
And maybe THAT is just the point.
This strong little fighter girl in me who just does not want to quit, who never says die, who will not yield or surrender, must learn to trust in Him who takes all the aches and wipes every tear from our eyes.

Give all your worries and cares to God,

for he cares about you.

I Peter 5:7

In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,

For You will answer me.

Psalm 86:7

I couldn't help thinking of this song that I learned as a little girl, "I Cast All My Cares," so I looked it up and found the version with Psalty the Singing Song book that I used to listen to, and it brought tears to my hear it and remember His faithfulness to me my whole life and how as an adult I try to solve things for myself. I hope this "kids' song" will encourage you like it does me.

If you cannot see this video, click here.

Broken Dreams & Shattered Hope

So it was kind of a yucky weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with what I know now is the "infamous" stomach flu that has been "going around" although somehow I seemed oblivious until it crashed into my immune system full force knocking me off of my feet for almost 36 hours and still in rebound mode today.

But I sat down last night to recount my weekend gifts anyway, and I was amazed at how thankful I felt....

For my sister who came over Saturday night with supplies AND gave up her Sunday to sit with me.

For my husband who loves me at my worst -- both in body and mood. For the fresh realization that while I do struggle daily with chronic pain, I AM thankful that I do NOT daily have the stomach flu. #ShesNotInvitedToMyParty

And for the little things...that in the midst of being overwhelmed, overwrought, and overtired...the Lord's still quiet voice could break through.

I feel that I should explain further....

Please do not get me wrong.
I am not some Christian hero.
Finding joy easily.
Drawing laughter in all circumstances like a paid clown.

Delighting in the most hideous of moments.

I'm real.
I'm raw.
I get mad.

I fight...

No. Really. I do...
...myself
...my husband
...my family
...my friends
...God
...the changes

And every time that I get "sick," even if it is with a 24-, or 48-, or whatever-hour flu bug, a silly cold, or a monthly setback, I wonder if I am slipping back into the worst of days, if I will ever be "myself" again - the girl I was before chronic pain became a daily partner - if I can do the things I want to do, if my dreams will actually come true.

So I cry
and thrash
and rage.

Yes. Even this weekend.
My pride is wounded.
I need help,
but I DESPISE that need.
I want people to swoop in and help me, to magically and instinctively just KNOW
but I HATE the fact that their help proves "I can't handle it...."

You see....I'm a fighter.
Not like punch-you-in-the-face or have-to-win-an-argument fighter
but you know that fight-flight instinct people have...??
Well...9 times out of 10, I will come out guns blazing, ready for action...

EVERY.
SINGLE.
TIME.

{Imagine me as a mother...I might be a raging lunatic...but that's a story for another day....}

I fight the REALITY of this unknown silent predator stealing away parts of me bit by bit that I do not want to surrender.
And it's lonely.
And it's scary.
And sometimes I just want to be a little girl again.
I don't want to face broken dreams,
scattered hope.

So...it is in THAT place....THAT season....THAT sheer agony of life where I count my gifts, shifting my focus, reminding myself of what IS real, what IS possible, what IS still promised, what....or rather IN WHOM my hope continuously rests...

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song


This cornerstone, this solid ground
 Firm through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease


My comforter, my all-in-all

Here in the love of Christ I stand

The Joy Dare

1000 gifts in 2012

154) Netflix -> Arno and I just recently jumped on the bandwagon

155) Little bits of leftover snow hanging on

156) Fluffy popcorn

157) Safety in an "almost" fire -- Thank you, Jesus!

158) Falling asleep before 10, even if only for 1 hour

159) Change in schedule meant productive and fun time to myself

160) The way the sunset brightened with that special setting

161) The shadows from the tree and of me on the driveway

162) My mom's words, "I'm just as proud of you now..."

163) The starry night -- makes me feel closer to Him

164) "Thanks for the encouragement, Lindsey. It's always a pleasure to write what I love and have people read it ant to really get it. Thank you for that. What a gift!"

165) Newly colored hair

166) My quilt

167) Peppermint tea while sick

168) My sister bringing me "supplies" & fixing me things while sick

169) Arno's nursing me even though it isn't his forte

170) One of those good heart-to-hearts with Arno

171) Catching up on some of my favorite shows

172) The stomach flu - hitting both of us - letting us both be home together on a Monday

173) My ugly sick picture from Saturday - the beauty of real life

174) The way the light hit the ugly old wood paneling in the smoke filled house

Won't you join me? Take The Joy Dare!

Here is a list of ideas to daily help you to SEE in the midst of the busy days...