Monday, February 27, 2012

Broken Dreams & Shattered Hope

So it was kind of a yucky weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with what I know now is the "infamous" stomach flu that has been "going around" although somehow I seemed oblivious until it crashed into my immune system full force knocking me off of my feet for almost 36 hours and still in rebound mode today.

But I sat down last night to recount my weekend gifts anyway, and I was amazed at how thankful I felt....

For my sister who came over Saturday night with supplies AND gave up her Sunday to sit with me.

For my husband who loves me at my worst -- both in body and mood. For the fresh realization that while I do struggle daily with chronic pain, I AM thankful that I do NOT daily have the stomach flu. #ShesNotInvitedToMyParty

And for the little things...that in the midst of being overwhelmed, overwrought, and overtired...the Lord's still quiet voice could break through.

I feel that I should explain further....
Please do not get me wrong.
I am not some Christian hero.
Finding joy easily.
Drawing laughter in all circumstances like a paid clown.
Delighting in the most hideous of moments.

I'm real.
I'm raw.
I get mad.

I fight...
No. Really. I do...
...myself husband family friends
...the changes

And every time that I get "sick," even if it is with a 24-, or 48-, or whatever-hour flu bug, a silly cold, or a monthly setback, I wonder if I am slipping back into the worst of days, if I will ever be "myself" again - the girl I was before chronic pain became a daily partner - if I can do the things I want to do, if my dreams will actually come true.

So I cry
and thrash
and rage.

Yes. Even this weekend.
My pride is wounded.
I need help,
but I DESPISE that need.
I want people to swoop in and help me, to magically and instinctively just KNOW
but I HATE the fact that their help proves "I can't handle it...."

You see....I'm a fighter.
Not like punch-you-in-the-face or have-to-win-an-argument fighter
but you know that fight-flight instinct people have...??
Well...9 times out of 10, I will come out guns blazing, ready for action...


{Imagine me as a mother...I might be a raging lunatic...but that's a story for another day....}

I fight the REALITY of this unknown silent predator stealing away parts of me bit by bit that I do not want to surrender.
And it's lonely.
And it's scary.
And sometimes I just want to be a little girl again.
I don't want to face broken dreams,
scattered hope. is in THAT place....THAT season....THAT sheer agony of life where I count my gifts, shifting my focus, reminding myself of what IS real, what IS possible, what IS still promised, what....or rather IN WHOM my hope continuously rests...

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light,
my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground
 Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my all-in-all

Here in the love of Christ I stand

The Joy Dare
1000 gifts in 2012

154) Netflix -> Arno and I just recently jumped on the bandwagon
155) Little bits of leftover snow hanging on
156) Fluffy popcorn
157) Safety in an "almost" fire -- Thank you, Jesus!
158) Falling asleep before 10, even if only for 1 hour
159) Change in schedule meant productive and fun time to myself
160) The way the sunset brightened with that special setting
161) The shadows from the tree and of me on the driveway
162) My mom's words, "I'm just as proud of you now..."
163) The starry night -- makes me feel closer to Him
164) "Thanks for the encouragement, Lindsey. It's always a pleasure to write what I love and have people read it ant to really get it. Thank you for that. What a gift!"
165) Newly colored hair
166) My quilt
167) Peppermint tea while sick
168) My sister bringing me "supplies" & fixing me things while sick
169) Arno's nursing me even though it isn't his forte
170) One of those good heart-to-hearts with Arno
171) Catching up on some of my favorite shows
172) The stomach flu - hitting both of us - letting us both be home together on a Monday
173) My ugly sick picture from Saturday - the beauty of real life
174) The way the light hit the ugly old wood paneling in the smoke filled house

Won't you join me? Take The Joy Dare!
Here is a list of ideas to daily help you to SEE in the midst of the busy days...


Annie | said... Best Blogger Tips

Just read Ann's words today about thanklessness, and then came here to read all this gritty gratitude lived out so honestly here. Thank you for opening your heart - raging and thanking all.

Eva said... Best Blogger Tips

You write of a true life many of us live, fighting in the way you describe ... Seeing it put into words is, somehow, comforting ...

Thank you fpr what you wrote today!

Jennifer Camp said... Best Blogger Tips

Lindsey, your beautiful vulnerability helps me see Him -- all His love and hope.  You stir me towards Him every time.  Amazing.  Thank you.

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, thank you Jenn! That means so much.

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, what encouraging know that I am not alone in the struggles, in the fighting...I am comforted too.

Thank you!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you, Annie! You always encourage me so much! I appreciate your cheering me on!

annasjoy said... Best Blogger Tips

The part about wanting people to help me, but not wanting to admit that I need help... yeah... that's so me, too!

lindseyfoj said... Best Blogger Tips

I know! I don't know why I hold on to that quality...I am learning to let go and open up and let people in!

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