Unwrapped :: Open-Handed Love

Most days it sounds more like the booming bass of an African drum than the steady ticking of a reliable timepiece.

Thirty-four years of tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock....resounding louder and louder as each day passes.

I have always believed that God has a plan, His own timing for our lives.
Sometimes it just seems CRAZY slow.

I try to focus on the positive, 

but it is hard when little things derail me,

Especially the knowledge that so many friends my age are attending middle school concerts or at the very least kindergarden ones.

My friend, Holley, says we are all on a one lane track, not competing against each other, measuring mile markers at the same checkpoints.

I love that.
It reminds me not to focus on that "I'm getting behind!" feeling.

Which I do.

A LOT.

Yet. The pounding, booming pulses in my head reminding me that I am getting older every day. That my body is not what it used to be. That my curves have not yet held life and time is slowly but surely moving to the point on the scale where the hours are not on my side anymore.

I think that is what I appreciate about my friend, Emily.

I work for her.
She is a Mary Kay director, and I assist her a couple of afternoons a week -- office work, graphic design, babysitting, car pooling, getting dinner prepped, basically whatever she needs during those hours.

Her kids have crawled their way into my heart. 

Jake Ray is 6, almost 7.

Olivia will be 3 in two weeks.

There is play and laughter.
Negotiation and discipline.
Imagination and discovery.
Games and tears.

They know me well now...enough to push the boundaries to see how far they can go...we have our "moments" together.

But they love me.
And I love them.
Very much.

You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly.

She lets them love me and have a relationship with me
And not just me
But others too
Whom they both love JUST as freely.

Today
as I danced with them in front of the spotlights in the yard, making monster shadows on the house as their parents put up Christmas decorations, I felt thankful to be given this gift from two grown ups who themselves know the deep anguish in waiting in a world that is seemingly leaving you behind.

And I want to remember this open-handed holding in which they love their kids
Inviting others into the joy.

This is how I unwrap the gift of today...

When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

When You Realize Your Dad Understands You

My dad taught me how to drive.
And that was no easy feat let me tell you.

My first time behind the wheel at fifteen years old, we started in a parking lot. With drivers' ed looming, I felt terrified at my lack of ANY skills behind the wheel, so my dad decided to ease me in. His dad tagged along too, so it was a multi-generational driving lesson.

Did I mention I was terrified?
Yeah.

Well, the way it played out, my fear became QUITE obvious as I would stop IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD for cars coming the OPPOSITE direction, but my dad was SO patient with me and somehow we made it through the day.



Dad understood that I needed time to find my place of calm.

A few months later, my friends and I, working together doing a church internship, took our break times to study for our permit exam. I was nervous, of course, so my friend, David, and I were just helping the other two study, but my dad was our driver to the test, so in his laid-back, no pressure, you-can-try-ONLY-if-YOU-want-to way, I decided to take it. All FOUR of us walked out that day with shiny badges of newbie drivers. As much fun as it was to achieve this milestone with my good friends, I love the fact that my dad was the one who orchestrated the day for us all.

Dad understood that just "being there" made all the difference in the world.

So then one day I had my full-fleged license.
Oh joy of all joys!
Independence and Freedom!

Except for the whole one year of that Cinderella, mandated-by-law, be-in-by-midnight thing-y...but that is plenty of time for a sixteen year old, right?

Right?

Well....it should have been...but then I got a boyfriend and liked to hang out at his house until the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND....and one night I creeped into the house about 5 minutes after midnight.

And there was my Dad.
Waiting. On the couch.
Grilling me with questions.

Where were you? 

Why are you late? 

Don't you know that you could have gotten in a lot of trouble? 

And then a lecture.

I listened with angst and frustration and then quickly excused myself to my room as tears began to pour down my face, while I ranted to the stuffed animals, "I'm a good kid. I don't drink or smoke or run around with lots of boys. I can't believe I am getting in trouble for being 5 MINUTES LATE!!"

With anger and indignation, I stomped around my room putting clothes away with a viscous passion, until suddenly I heard my dad's baritone voice from my bedroom doorway, "Lindsey?"

"Come in," I said, with my back to the doorway, unwilling to look at him face to face.

"Come here," he said. And with great effort, I forced myself to turn around and walk over to where he stood.

"I'm sorry for getting so upset with you about being late." Now my tears were truly rolling.

"I just do not want you to get in any trouble. If a cop stopped you after midnight, you could have your license taken and I just do not want you to take any chances. I don't want you to have to go through that. I do trust you, and you are a good kid."

I cried. We hugged.
It was one of those Hallmark moments.
But....FOR REALS.

Dad understood that I needed the affirmation AS WELL as the correction.

It's kinda funny because my dad is a man of few words and especially as a teenager, I often felt like he never quite "got" me or at the very least did not know what to do with my sensitive heart.

But one day, in my twenties, I overheard him saying, "Lindsey doesn't care about being right, she just wants to be understood." 

And in that moment, I felt such validation.

From teaching me to drive, helping me {AND my friends} get our licenses, challenging me to be and do my best in every circumstance and a hundred other little things over the years, that my dad saw through this little Anne-of-Green-Gables heart to the woman who wanted to connect with other's hearts.

My dad REALLY understands me.
And THAT too....is no easy feat.

I love you, Dad!
Thank you for well....

.....EVERYTHING!!!!

A daughter may outgrow your lap, 

but she will never outgrow your heart. 

~ Author Unknown

What I'm Into These Days

Listening ... In Christ Alone performed by Adam of Owl City seems to be what I press repeat on the most these days. I cry almost every time.....

Watching ... I love watching a whole series at a time, so I spent time in the late 90's WB shows for awhile -- shows that I missed while I was busy studying in college. As of late, I have watched {and caught up completely, I might add} Downton Abbey, which I can honestly say shot a thrill of excitement through me from the musical intro of the first episode. There is a reason it has been named by Guinness Book of World Records as the "most critically acclaimed English-language television show" for the year 2011, becoming the first British show to be so recognized. And finally and currently, another British drama, Lark Rise to Candleford has captured my senses.

Reading ... I seem to do most of my reading online lately -- blogs and such, but I am finishing up Grace for the Good Girl, and then I plan to dive into The Ragamuffin Gospel. I am a bit late to that party since it was released over 25 years ago, but I think it is the right time for me to be diving in. Fiction is my favorite, and I seem to have a backlog of book waiting for me. I will have to carve out some time for them soon.

Pinning ... I found all of these lovely bucket list items on Pinterest last and had a blast pinning over 150 items. Some I have done and some I haven't. It encouraged me not only to remember thing that I have done but to remember that I have a lot more life left to live!

Eating ... I am pretty well addicted to Multi Grain Pringles. I buy 3-4 cans at a time so that they will last me for awhile. And lest you think I am SO healthy -- Hot Tamales and Twizzlers Filled Twists are, too, a great weakness of mine currently.

Drinking ... I am always drinking Clear American Sparkling Water, preferably in Key Lime, but also in Lemon. I started over a year ago, and I try to drink at least 2 liters a day.

Wearing ... With the variety of part-time jobs I have, doing personal/virtual assistant work, most of them take me either TO someone's home or working at my own home, so there is not always a lot of incentive to "fix" up. However, I try to at least half of the week. So on any given day you will either find me in one of my artistic, random outfit creations, or Arno's T-shirt and yoga pants. LOL!

Feeling ... I have been feeling quite anxious during January. I think between unresolved health issues, pending house closing that keeps getting put off, and my perfectionistic need to have a schedule, even when impractical, I have to learn to give my self a break!

Weather ... The weather has been unseasonably warm around here, which is so nice for the chronic pains to be lessened.

Wanting ... Primarily for our house to close soon...but also to go to 1 or 2 blogging or writing conferences this year. My mom just told me today that she would like to go with me this summer! Eeee! How exciting -- as I get my love of the written word from her. Praying that the right doors, place, timing, finances all work out for these things to happen.

Needing ... to find a balance between my left-sided schedule orientation and my right-sided need to breathe deep and just enjoy

Thinking ... about the future...house, children -- foster & biological, dreams that the Father has for me...for us.

Enjoying ... this season of life -- scary as it may be sometimes, I realize I am walking in the middle of a HUGE step of faith and I am not sure how I got here, but I am finally learning to just enjoy the ride.

What about you? What are you currently up to?

Thanks to my friend, Sarah Styles Bessey, for the inspiration to do this list! She will be joining us here on Valentine's Day during the Relentless Love series....so you will not want to miss that!!

20 Questions for 2011

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~{RE}discovering God's heart and seeing how His hand has

& continues to redeem the broken pieces in my life

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Adjusting to life not being in full-time ministry and how I viewed myself

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~2 part-time jobs where I can set my own schedule

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~I don't think this would be considered unexpected,

but the fact that I am still dealing with unclear chronic pain

for going on 3 years now has been an ongoing obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

~Redemption. Grace. Rediscovery.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Peace. Rest. Quiet.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

~Relaxation. Rest. Change.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Grace for the Good Girl, all of Ted Dekker's 2011 releases

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~Arno, my bffs, Tricia & Alison, my parents, my sister,

my bloggy friends, including Relevant & (in)courage ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~a radical change from heavy brokenness to amazing redemption

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Last year at this time, my heart was broken, held together with Scotch tape.

This year the beauty HE filled into the cracks is amazing!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~In the midst of my broken heart last year, I did not know

WHERE God was and often wondered if He had abandoned me.

My relationship with Him has changed into one

that I have never had before although I accepted Him into my heart

as a little girl.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~I do not know if I have had MUCH change in this area

due to the fact that my life is limited in physical ways,

however, that has helped me emotionally and spiritually

to stop striving so much because I have been forced to slow down.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~Although I am an extrovert, I had been deeply hurt by "people"

and felt innately sensitive and and angry.

So I often pulled away. Although I am still working on this.

My 31 days of {RE}discovering the Lord in October

culminating in my surprise open door to the Relevant conference,

seemed to open that door wide open.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Being able to set my own schedule.

Having variety within my job description.

Exercising both my left & right brains

through both organizational skill and creative outlets

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Worry and anxiety when I should have been trusting and resting in Him

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Growing as a writer. Loving on people.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~God is working in the details

even when I think He was forgotten or abandoned me.

His love for me looks, practically, different than what I expected.

And His plans for me are more creative

than the space I had previously given Him to work in me.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

~Stand and watch in amazement at how God redeems your broken pieces.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q&A.

Five Minute Friday: Open

What a fun and amazing journey it has been this year, learning and growing through this 5 minute risk-writing!!

It isn't easy. It never is. To put your heart out there in 5 minutes, knowing that your filter is significantly less and that you may reveal something that you normally hide so well. Or that your words will not measure up to the beauty revealed through the other amazing writers joining their morsels on this journey.

Lisa-Jo said this on Twitter yesterday, "I can only write what I know. Not what you know. That's why what we both write matters."

And I remember this mantra that I would remind myself of during my teen years and college days, "Use the talents you possess, for imagine how silent the woods would be if the only birds that sang were the best."

And so I write....

And since I was a part of the first prompt of the year, I am thrilled to be participating in rounding the year off with these 5 minutes.

Topic :: OPEN

GO.

Wide open spaces.
Open hearts.
Open minds.

The search for significance
transparency
REALness

The desire to be held
to be known
to be understood
to be accepted

This journey of life crashing and flowing like the ever present tide filling our broken places and then revealing them again.
In the cracks, somehow.
In the in-between
In the moments where light and dark, death and life, freedom and walls meet.

Open Hands
bleeding
suffering
inviting
welcoming

my pain
my sin
my weakness
my broken heart

And she is there, whispering truth and promise and hope
yielding life and joy with her breath......
.....grace.

STOP.

If you have always wondered about Five Minute Friday, but never hopped over, won't you do that today? And maybe even join in?? You do not have to even have a blog. You can do 5 minutes in the comments below.

It's fun.

It's freeing.

It's scary.

It's life-changing.

Adventure with me???

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 30 - The Disappointing

It hit me like a sucker punch.

"Your writing is not good enough.

What made you think you belonged here?

You are not a writer. You're just a poser."

I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breath
A plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.

Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.


I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.

Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.

Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....

"God appoints people who disappoint to point

to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."

She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?

The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.

Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.

{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.

Why?

Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!

#MakeTHUNDERsistas

Source

Previous - Day 29 :: The Becoming

Next - Day 31 :: The Pursuit

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 14 - The Coach

In the midst of this 31 day journey, I have decided NOT to forgo my weekly 5 Minute Friday link up because, well, it's my favorite PLUS I think it is a fun challenge to take the weekly prompt and articulate my {RE}discovery through it.



This week's topic :: Catch

GO.

We walked out onto the field. The players all are in place. Everyone is ready.

Except for me.

Their uniforms look great. I watch them practice and I am astounded at their accuracy. Their movements seem seamless and fluid. I am in awe.

And I am supposed to play...HERE??

"No way, Coach. I don't think I can do it", so I duck back into the dugout, waiting, watching, wanting to play, wanting to "join" but scared that I won't be good enough, strong enough, fast enough.

So the beautiful dance around me goes on, and I look onward.

But after the game, the Coach pulls me aside.

"Let's just warm up. Let's play catch, Lindsey."

I feel ashamed and embarrassed at my hesitance to be IN the game, so I slowly uplift my eyes, afraid to see His disappointment, but instead all I see is love, compassion, grace.

"Come on, Lindsey, let's play catch! You'll get back in again. It's okay. You're not done yet. I see great things ahead for you. Let's just practice."

I love Coach.

But more than that...COACH loves ME!

I feel safe.
I feel loved.
I feel freedom.

Just playing catch.....

....for NOW anyway. ;-)

STOP.

Previous - Day 13 :: The Wisdom

Next - Day 15 :: The Whole

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 13 - The Wisdom

I am just kind of in awe of this revelation that God has given to me. The wholeness IN Him, taking me, holding my hand, and sometimes even carrying me through this intense season of brokenness struck me with amazing REALness.

HE is with me.

Even when I HATE the process

Even when I think HE hates ME. {which I know He doesn't}

Even when I cry because I think I cannot take any more.

Even when the heart break threatens to suck me into its black hole.

Even then....

He is with me.

Changing me.

Transforming me.

Developing me.

Into His image.

Reflecting His heartbeat.

Shining His light.

Walking in my purpose.

{RE}discovery :: The journeys that we take often seem irrelevant, insignificant, & maybe even irreverent in some ways, and yet the more, the longer, the harder, I cling to Him, I start to become that which moves His heart, brings joy to the world, and surrenders to the One who knows the end from the beginning.

How little people know who think that holiness is dull.

When one meets the real thing,

it is irresistible.

~C.S. Lewis

Previous - Day 12 :: The Broken

Next - Day 14 :: The Coach

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 10 - The Potential

I was reading through some of my old posts last night, and it is amazing how you can remember ALL OVER AGAIN the revelations that God gave to you to aid you in this crazy journey.

As we move into Day 10, almost a third of the way through this 31 Day mission, my reflection turns backward to this post from March 29, 2011....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The elevator line was so long as dozens of girls lined up with cartloads of their belongings. It was freshman move-in day, and I was one of them. My new dorm room was on the 6th floor, my mom had sprained her ankle the day before, and the moving process was going to take ALL day and night at this rate. So my dad, my sister, and I began the long arduous journey of carrying all of my personal possessions up six flights of stairs, while my momentarily handicapped mom unpacked in my room.

It took us a few days to get everything settled, and then I waited with nervous anticipation for my roommate to arrive.

What would she be like?

Would we get along?

Would we be friends?

A week passed, and then two, and after a month, I began to wonder if she would ever arrive. But she never did, and I ended up with a room to myself for a whole year.

I was kind of sad about it at first. I know. Ironic., right? Who doesn't want a room to themselves in college? But I am a people person, and I missed being with my family. But pretty quickly, I realized that having my own room was a lot of fun because my place soon became the late-nite-hang-out corner, so my little extroverted cup was filled.

The funny thing about my room was that if you did not know, you would never have been able to tell that I DID NOT have a roommate because my "stuff" filled the room. People would comment on that often, and I would feel self conscious about it.

Why did I feel the need to have so many of my personal belongings AT college with me instead of leaving many things "at home" like many of my dorm mates did?

One day, one of the girls on my floor, Roseanne, said to me, after someone else commented on how I had so much stuff in a room that was meant for two people and I was feeling unsure & insecure, "You are a missionary kid. You have had to live a life where you take everything wherever you go."

In one simple statement, she validated WHO I was, not just a judgment that others were making from outward appearances based on their own history and life views.

She saw ME.

This past Sunday, the guest pastor talked about how throughout Song of Solomon you find repetitive moments where the bridegroom calls forth things in his bride that she doesn't see in herself. He went on to talk about how we can't call forth things in others if we first don't know how God does that for us, and when you believe God's assessment of you, you actually begin to believe in yourself.

He said that it is easy to call forth what you see on the outside, the negative aspects of each other, the issues that we each have, but it is a WHOLE OTHER thing to be able to speak forth the potential in another person by seeing beyond the surface, by looking into who they are, by seeing their heart...

So today, this is what I am SURE of....

God loves you with a FIERCE, ETERNAL love.

The potential inside of YOU is greater than you can ever imagine.

You are so precious, valuable, and full of purpose in every fiber of your being,

no matter what is happening TODAY!

And as for me....I AM kind of a packrat, and I while I am working on that {for my husband's sake}, I have also realized that part of that comes from my desire to keep the people, places, and things close to me that I don't get to see every day....

And really, that is a beautiful thing, right?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

{RE}discovery :: He SEES ME. My heart. My desires. My frailty. My future. The Psalms say that he is "acquainted with all my ways." That makes me feel special....safe....loved....wanted....accepted. Just for being me. And I think in this life we live together, it is an AMAZING gift that we can give to each other as we learn to discover and to assimilate more of HIS heart - SEEING into the hearts of others, beyond the surface, and calling out that potential that God sees. "Calling things that are NOT as though they were...." Wow! I am seeing this principle in a different way today...I hope you feel that way too!

*above photo was from our South Africa move in 2010

Previous - Day 9 :: The Beautiful

Next - Day 11 :: The Letting-Go

You Are Irreplaceable!

I had only been married 6 months, and I began to feel insignificant.

No one told me what a crisis of identity a woman can often face when she is Mrs-So-and-So instead of the Sassy-and-Single-yet-Confident-Woman I had worked years to cultivate.

Now I was a wife.

I felt boring and redundant, not striking or special.

And to top it all off, with my new husband joining the ministry team at church, he could do everything that I did {and better}, not to mention the office assistant that I had been training for a couple of years who could mimic my admin skills almost to a tee.

I felt irrelevant, insignificant,VERY REPLACEABLE.

I went to the visiting female minister, and she prayed for me and challenged me not to be in competition with my husband.
Wow!
A hard pill to swallow, but ultimately wasn't that what I was doing??
I didn't want to do that. I did NOT want to be "that girl."

I wanted to be an AH-MA-ZING wife - this ideal I had in my mind that a WIFE was supposed to be - heck, I might have even been working towards Stepford.

Except.

I don't have a formal, Stepford, sweet, perfectly-presented personality.

AT. ALL.

And even when you know this proving-yourself-competitive-attitude is wrong, how do you change it?

Then one day, about a year after we were married, Arno's spiritual father spoke a word into my life that radically transformed my present and would forever shape the way I viewed myself in my marriage.

"Lindsey, you are NOT called to be everyone's wife; you were called to be ARNO's wife."

So simple, but what a revelation!

What my husband's needs are may not be another husband's needs therefore the title of "wife" in my house will look very different to the next person.

And I realized that this bled over into every relationship in my life - no one could be ME better than me. Nobody could fill the role that God had called me to fill BUT me. Even if someone is more beautiful, more talented, more successful, more whatever, no one....and I mean NO ONE....can replace me.

Because my worth and value come from the Father who placed me in seasons, in situations, in relationships.

HE. PLACED. ME.

I am irreplaceable.

And so are you, my dear, precious friend.
You are the ONLY one who can love your children the best.
You are the ONLY one who can take care of your husband the sweetest.
You are the ONLY one who can hold your friends' hand in the middle of her circumstances the way that YOU do.

You are the ONLY you that the world will ever know!

You, my amazing, awesome, breath-taking pal, are IRREPLACEABLE!

"Use the talents you possess for imagine how silent the woods would be if the only birds that sang were the best."

To Quit or Not to Quit - That is the Question

After the same woman skied past me on the slopes THREE TIMES, as I lay sprawled on the hill after falling MORE times than I can count, each time inches from the previous fall, I made my decision then and there. I took off my skis put them under my right arm, poles under my left arm and walked down the hill, 3 hours after I started.

I quit.

And no amount of convincing from any of the chaperones or my friends could convince me otherwise. I spent the rest of the day in the lodge, drinking cocoa and nursing my wounded pride & disappointed soul.

Two years later, at the age of 14, I tried again, with "slightly" better agility, but the whole experience of skiing at that point was just one that NEVER ranked high on my list of fun activities. So for years, whenever I found myself at the slopes with friends, I would choose tubing over skiing or boarding ANY day.

Then I met my husband -- a snow-boarding, roller-blading, surfer-wanabe, X-games-lover guy -- and I found myself in Denver, Colorado, on Thanksgiving weekend, a 2-month-newlywed, freaking out because I was "late" and planning to go skiing the next day to be a part of something that my love....LOVED.

So I did what any self-respecting girl would do.

I cried. And I cried. And I cried.

Then I fell asleep, got up the next morning, nervously got ready, and got to the slopes.

And I cried some more.

Now I have to tell you, I HATE crying in front of people. I HATE looking weak in front of people. I HATE failing in front of people, but my fear of skiing, of falling, of making other people fall, of making a fool of myself on the slopes was so great that it outweighed all of those other emotions.

Finally, though, I couldn't take the scrutiny and/or the "I-feel-sorry-for-you looks" so I told everyone to please go on, and I would get myself together....EVENTUALLY!!

I started down some greens, or "bunny" slopes, and of course, fell repeatedly, so I persisted, and kept falling. The air is MUCH thinner in Colorado than in humid Haiti or Maryland, so I found myself, YET AGAIN, sitting in the snow preparing to just give up, when a woman slows to a stop next to me. I think to myself, "Oh, how nice that she is stopping to help me and see if I am okay." That is when she says, "I just want to let you know that you need to watch out. You are in the snowboarding lane."

Okay. Great. Thanks.

So, what could I do....? I got up and tried again.

It felt like an eternity getting down that slope, but something happened to me on the way down.

I started gaining confidence.
I stayed up longer each time between falls.
I think, dare I say it, that I even may have started having a little fun.

{I know....I know...radical, right?}

I never got very good that day but I improved little by little, slope by slope, fall by fall.

The next year, Arno and I went skiing again, and I have to tell you....I was PASSING him on the slopes. {In his defense, on skis, one can be a bit faster than on a board.}



But I learned a lot from those experiences in my life.

After quitting at 12 years old, it changed me. I remember trying a little bit each year to be braver and stronger in the face of things that were hard. In college that meant trying out for every club, meeting, activity, leadership position, etc, that I wanted to be involved in.

In my 20's, overcoming my fear of skiing meant conquering that moment where life tried to define me as a quitter.

In the past couple of years, I have had to make some decisions and choices that have made me feel like that 12 year old girl again, and I have felt a plethora of emotions facing that fear in the face again. In some situations I have fought valiantly & won, and in others, I have fought a felt the sting of loss. Some moments I have face bravely, and others I have "tried" to bow out gracefully.

What I am thankful for is an amazing Heavenly Father who does not define me by my successes and/or failures like I do to myself.

I am NOT a quitter.
I am NOT a failure.
I am NOT washed up.
I am NOT finished.

I AM....in fact....HIS, unequivocablly and irrevocabaly.

We fall down.

We get up.

And the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up.

Five Minute Friday: Motherhood Without Judgment

Joining up today with....



Topic: Motherhood Should Come With....

GO.

I have been avoiding this topic all day. I wasn't sure if I was even going to post, but here I am....

I feel unable/unworthy/unwilling to share what motherhood should come with because I feel that the lack of children in my own home silences my voice in sharing those words.

I have been a leader since high school and had many one-on-one disciples over the past years, and I have an amazing relationship with my own awesome mom, so I have seen things that work and don't along the way.

So then....here are my two cents....

I feel like motherhood should come with an intrinsic understanding of other women in THE MOST REVEALING way than ever before. Instead of judgments, there should be an "I-get-you-girl" or "Let's-hold-hands-together-even-if-our-styles-are-different-kind-of-feeling.

I think if, we, as women, MOTHER together...arms supporting each other...like the men who held up Abraham's arms in the battle when he was too tired to hold them up himself...imagine how this world would be.

No judging saying, "If I was Abraham, I would have done it this way or that way" or "Why wasn't Abraham strong enough to do the job himself?? He is the leader of like a million people, right?" but knowing that together, each role was important to win the battle....changing a generation...bringing hope to the nations....together.

STOP.

Yeah, so I took slightly longer today, and I DID edit some this week...it was a hard one for me because there are so many emotions connected with this topic that I didn't really share...like a bittersweet symphony...but thanks for stopping by to hear my ramblings today.

What If Blessings Come In Disguise?

I don't think Abraham's story truly held me in the grip of understanding until today.

Don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to understand this great man of faith or hold myself in comparison to his journey, however, I think I "get" him, just a little better since traveling through these past few years of TTC (trying to conceive).

Today I read Abraham's testing of faith concerning his promised son, Isaac, with new eyes today, and I wondered, "How did Abraham feel? What emotions coursed through his veins in this story that is surmised in one chapter of our modern day Bibles?"

So if you will travel this path with me, here is what I imagine the emotions and thoughts behind the scenes to have been like....

One day the Lord came to speak to me. I always love when He speaks to me....but this day was...well....different...just check it out....

"Abraham! Abraham!"

"Yes, Lord! I am here!"

"Take your son, Isaac, the one you love SO VERY MUCH, to sacrifice him on the mountain I will show you as a burnt offering to me."

"Yes, Lord!"

Did I just say 'Yes!'? What is the Lord asking of me? How can I give my boy, my son, my source of blessing BACK to the Lord? How can I kill him with my own hands? Why is God asking this of me? Didn't I wait long enough for this precious boy? How can God end it like this? But what can I do? I will put my trust in the Lord that His plans are best, but He is going to have to give me strength to do this.

The journey took us 3 days. Isaac was so willing, so trusting. I felt like a traitor. I mean, I AM HIS FATHER. He is supposed to be able to trust me. He doesn't know what the Lord is asking me to do. When he asked me where the sheep was for the burnt offering, I told him that the Lord would provide. Oh, I pray that I am not lying to my son.

When we arrived at the place that God had sent us, I built an altar. The whole time I was building, I thought surely the Lord has another plan, another way. I felt anger, bitterness, resentment, vying for first place in my being, but I fought them. "My Lord, I trust in you."

Then came the moment when I had to put my son on the altar. His face.....I will never forget the face....the way he looked at me with fear and questioning and yet he said nothing. As tears poured down my face and his, I told him, "You are the sacrifice that the Lord has asked for." I picked up the knife while my hand trembled. Could I really do this? How would I explain this to Sarah when I got home? I had to be done with it.

"I love you, son," I sobbed as I raised the knife to pour my son's blood.

At that very moment, I heard his voice again, "Abraham! Put the knife down. Don't harm your son in any way. I see your heart is for me, even to the point of giving your only son."

Then God provided a ram, and Isaac and I sacrificed it. I called the place "Yahweh-Yireh" - "The Lord will provide." Oh how Isaac and I laughed, danced, and rejoiced in the presence of the Lord and in each other's embrace.

Then this is what the Lord said to me,

"Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and sand on the seashore. Yours descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed --all because you have obeyed me."

Yeah. That was quite a day - a day for the history books. I wanted to write it down because I don't know yet WHAT it means or what God is going to do, but He is amazing, and I thought you should know.

This song has been resounding in my heart and spirit over the past few days, and I have been wanting to share it here, but hadn't found quite the words to go with it.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is

the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?"

I think this is what happened to Abraham....the longing, the waiting, the desiring led him to a place where only God's love & grace could satisfy, no matter the cost.

I, too, am on this journey, and to be honest, I am scared to pieces, but like Abraham I want to declare, "YAHWEH-YIREH - My God SHALL supply!"

So I will just put one foot in front of the other, and maybe some days, I will sit down and cry, and other days, I will fight on, trusting that His blessings may be in disguise along the way.

And you know.....I sure don't want to miss those.

Zechariah 9:11-12 (New Living Translation)

11 Because of the covenant I made with you,

sealed with blood,

I will free your prisoners

from death in a waterless dungeon.

12 Come back to the place of safety,

all you prisoners who still have hope!

I promise this very day

that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.

Join me at the jam....






*Story of Abraham & Isaac adapted from Genesis 22
*If you would like to know Laura Story's personal testimony behind the above song, check out this clip:

Settled

May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones.

—Mother Teresa

In His Grip,