Thursday, February 23, 2012

Finding Love's Roots through Grief {Guest Post :: Annie}

Oh, yay, it's time for Annie! That's the name of my truly lovely friend that I get to introduce you to today. She and I {also} met at Relevant last October, the very first night. In fact we met in the lobby with a conglomeration of newbies before the conference even began, and somehow over the next 24 hours, gravity seemed to continuously draw us back to each other. By the time we were all leaving on Sunday, less than 48 hours after we first met, discovering her and Cara was seriously like finding missing puzzle pieces that just helped to complete the picture, in the words of Anne of Green Gables, kindred spirits FOR SURE. Being an ENFP like my sister, knowing Annie is like knowing someone that I have known my whole life. She is smart and funny and wise and quirky and artsy and deep and loving all in one package. Annie makes her home with her love, Ted and their two beautiful princesses. When she isn't busy being a wife and mom, you can find Annie's poetic prose at Annie at Home, where she share her heart as a parent, her artistic ventures, and most of all, how all of that spurs her on in her journey with Jesus. You also MUST check out Annie's latest venture where she conceptualized and created the entire art decor for a local cafe. It's amazing!



Finding Love's Roots through Grief




Relentless love can mean a lot of things. There's a deep mercy in a heart rescued, and sweet mercy, too, in the protection from the shackles in the first place.

And I grew up in sunshine and sweet places, and His love pursued me: in wind whipping straight through my soul as we raced bikes down to the farm, in soul friends who knew my heart and loved me anyway, in a million little nothings that reverberated with goodness, whose sweet music drowned out the flat notes and off keys.

And I have felt heartache and wrestled with God over injustice, His existence, and all the blurry lines that a legalist detests. And over and over, He has quieted me with His love.

But it wasn't until my sister died, tragically, that my real unraveling began. It's been two years now, and it's finally sinking in that I will never know the hows and whys of her last moments, only the date her body was discovered, and the finality of her death.

And how do you tell a story that's missing half the ending? How can the beauty and tragedy of such a complicated life be captured in simple lines of letters and sentence structure? Even now, I cannot do it.

But I can speak of the falling apart that happened at the very center of my heart. It was my own voice that taunted me. All those words and lessons and heart-cries about the God who is always about the work of making new, restoring and redeeming: they blew up in my face.

Because death is pretty final, and there was no redemption story here. And that grated against all my understanding, my deepest hope, the very foundation I'd laid my life upon.

And I made it through the cruel words of well-meaning folks and I made it through the eulogy, and I spoke the truth that seemed to mock me: I said it through tears, that her life was complicated, but Jesus' relentless love for her was constant. And I longed to believe.

But I spent every night for I don't know how long, slipping out of bed, so my husband could sleep, only to wake him with my uncontrollable sobbing. And we moved closer to home a few months later, a plan in the works before any of this unfolded, and I, the raging extrovert who couldn't have enough people in my life, I cocooned.

Those months were the darkest in my life. Quiet, full of silent ache. I kept it bottled up inside, until I couldn't keep it up, couldn't stand the tension of a heart desperately clinging to hope in a God who redeems, and mocking itself for doing so at the same time.

I was curled in a ball in the corner of the upstairs bathroom the night I caved. When I admitted I just couldn't work it out, that her death and the ache that now lived inside of me was too much to reconcile, I thought my world would split apart.

But, friends, the opposite happened. Not in that moment, and not by any certain magical formula. But months later, I would sit, weeping again, always the tears, and tell a friend how the very redemption that I had shaken my hand at heaven and demanded, a glimmer of that redemption was unfurling right in the midst of my brokenness. The words shocked me as they rolled off my tongue, and rung true to my core.

In her death, my sister gave me the gift of a faith shaken, and the slow awakening to a God bigger than my ability to comprehend, full of mystery, and there is rest in simply knowing the One who knows the unknowable. Her death, and my inability to handle it, revealed broken places that He yearned to heal, parts of myself I did not know had died, and the opportunity for new life after years of dormancy.

And I do not pretend to understand the ways this all weaves together. I do not believe we can draw simple cause and effect lines to understand the complexity of loss, and I despise the simple answers offered to squelch grief: "Maybe she died so that..." But I do believe that a thousand things can happen in just one thing. And know in my heart of hearts, that God's relentless love, it has wrapped its roots deeper into my soul.

And there is an undercurrent to all this sunshine and heartache, and it is His constant pulsing heartbeat for His glory being revealed and the beautiful redemption is unfolding even now...

... even when our circumstances scream raw in defiance to His goodness

... especially in our brokenness

... beautifully in the mended places.




This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 9th in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us across miles, across personalities, across hearts that are His. To read more of the posts, click here and here.




513 comments:

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alwaysalleluia said... Best Blogger Tips

Annie. I don't have many words today, reading yours has knotted them up in my throat. What a beautiful, powerful, painful story of Gods relentless love. It never ceases to amaze me the startling mosaics of beauty He manages to piece together from the broken bits of our lives. I love your words, your heart, your beautiful, faithful spirit. Thank you for this. Praying for you, my sweet friends!

Mary O'Connor said... Best Blogger Tips

This is so beautiful and rings deeply true.  When my brother (37 year old father of two, husband, son, uncle, brother-in-law and brother) was killed, we were cast onto a dark journey with no road signs and no light and little hope.  But yes, a thousand things an happen from one.  They are too deep, wide and sometimes seemingly unrelated to measure.   God's love ran beneath the despair and His word constantly  steadied.
Some things said were hard to take, but most condolences were like cool water on the open fire consuming my soul. 

Annie, I am so sorry that you had to go through this.  Grief is fearsome, but as you so wonderfully wrote, it does a work that so other experience could do for those God chooses to walk through it.
Love,
Mary

Donna S said... Best Blogger Tips

Annie, Thank you so much for sharing your story. We have friends that lost their 5 year old son to cancer a few months ago and they are in their own cocoon right now. Hiding away. Angry, hurt, broken. Thank you for sharing your story of redemption. It reminds me to continue to pray for them, to continue to believe that they can come out from under the fog of mourning and walk in HIs grace. 

PS. That one dinner with you at Relevant was by far my favorite! 

knecht50 said... Best Blogger Tips

Following the death of my youngest brother in a construction accident in 1996, I struggled with the heart-squeezing pain that sudden death brings.  Working through the grief was a journey through which I learned many rich and indescribable things.  Writing gave me a way to sort out my feelings and to acknowledge the costs and the blessings.  This poem was written as I gained a deepening understanding of how our souls grow and are transformed through the losses of our lives.

N
ighttime Journey
 
 
 
 
I pause in this dark passage,
            this nighttime journey of the soul.
 
Surprises, both pleasant and difficult,
                        wait in the shadows –
                                    sweetness to be uncovered, softening the way;
                                    terrors lying in ambush,
                                                piercings of the heart
                                                            altering the very fibers of my being,
                                                tattooing images somewhere unseen,
                                                            with the needle of suffering.
 
 
Uncontrolled shapes they take, these marks
                                                strangely beautiful, appropriate,
            I see them with the eyes of my heart –
                                                dark, mysterious. Needed.
 
This journey to a place and time not anticipated –
            tear-filled, dread-laden, stomach-turning, all-alone.  God-led.
 
A moonless, soul-growing, bright-hoped journey of faith.
 
 
 
 
mary o’connor 6/9/2004

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

I love your word picture here, Kris: the startling mosaics of beauty he creates from our brokenness. Thank you, friend.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, I agree. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

That dinner was a blast, Donna!

And oh, my heart, I cannot imagine the grief of loosing a child. Praying, too, for soft places to land & comfort to wrap around in the midst of grief.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

This captures so many emotions from the experience of grief - the sweet soft places and the stinging moments. So glad you shared.

Mel said... Best Blogger Tips

This is ridiculously amazing and so on point with the reality of grief and His relentless love. I love you Annie!!

Jen said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, I can't imagine such tragic loss. Thanks for sharing something so personal.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you, friend. Your presence throughout my journey has been a gift.

Kamille said... Best Blogger Tips

Annie--thank you for sharing this part of you.  Grief & loss absolutely suck, but they are also gifts.  I know I've said trite things after a loss and I cringe.  After walking through our miscarriage in early Fall, I see how grief & loss have given me a greater propensity to love others through their loss.  

Months later, I actually sang the song A Thousand Things in response to our miscarriage.  I have been meaning to post it on my blog, but haven't gotten around to it.  I'm convinced that in my loss, grief, mourning, others have see the hand of God--I know I have seen the hand of God.  

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you, Jen - for reading & for your words. Even in the sharing I'm learning that this is a part of my story, and that the broken places speak of His love as much as the pretty ones. Learning, slowly. :)

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

As usual, just nodding along as I read your words, Kamille. Thank you for saying them. Really.

Corine said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm so sorry for your pain, but so happy for the wonderful blessing that has come from it! :D A few days ago I blogged about an experience that I had of feeling God's love for me. I am SO AMAZED at the depth of His relentless love!

Great post, thanks for sharing your experience...

Corine :D

Meredith said... Best Blogger Tips

Wow.
I have no words.
But I am moved to my core.

Thank you for sharing the pain, so that we could remember the beauty and unfailing (and relentless) love for us all.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm amazed too, Corine. Thank you. Looking forward to reading your post.

Annie | annieathome.com said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you, Meredith.

soulstops said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you, Annie, for sharing so honestly and beautifully about your journey through grief and how God's love pursued you...you have touched me deeply with your story...Thanks, Lindsey for hosting :)

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