Like I used to.
I blame it on summer. On foster care prep. On planning fundraising for Haiti. On spending time with my family before they return to their life-long mission home.
Next week will be better...
When things slow down, my heart and soul will spill words out like wet paint from a fresh can's tip....
Once the summer is over, my schedule will get "back to normal"....
And on and on it goes...this big top mental circus filled with merry performances merry vying equally for immediate attention. And somehow my soul shrinks from the cacophony. I need stillness and silence, not in reality per say, but in the recesses of my being.
You know... where deep calls to deep.
But I often fail at allowing my heart and my soul and my mind to halt and to "go there" ....
Because it is scary and it is raw and it needs work.
How do you bare the broken before the healing is complete?
How do you show the scars when tomorrow they might break bloody again?
How do you give of yourself when "getting TO Him" seems a feat equivalent to rescuing the princess from the clutches of the fiery dragon?
Inside I feel small.
Insignificant.
Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers....
Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly.
Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style.
The once-too-broken-to-ever-think-she-could-be-filled-again girl inside of me flaps her wings with impatience while the Great Physician holds still the body of that broken soul, willing strength into the bones for the latter to be greater than the former before letting the full expanse of the newness fill the sky.
And in the waiting, the girl both heart of warrior and heart of a child reaches to her Daddy, whispering words of longing and regret, sorrow and angst, desperation and pleading, forgiveness and surrender.
Where do we go from here?
Will I ever be ready again?
Am I forever to be waiting in the wings?
Where are you in your journey of waiting, of longing,
of wanting to burst into your dreams, of feeling insignificant?
What specific Scripture, mantra, prayer, promise
do you hold onto in those moments?
If you have none, feel alone, or simply long
for the extra lift in this moment and space in time,
would you slip your words into a comment
or even in a private e-mail in the Contact Me link.
I would love to share the broken moments with you
and agree with you that God DOES
have an answer just for you in the midst of it all.
3 comments:
oh, Lindsey...I can feel your angst, which you express so well in your prose/poetry leaning words...sending you a hug...I think Oswald Chambers writes about being entrusted with silence by God, that is part of the growing of the deep places of our heart with God...so painful at times...praying you can lean in and tell Him all that is in your heart...He loves you, and longs to hold you through it...hugs :)
Oh, Lindsey. Your heart, scribbled out and raw and yes, waiting. I am thankful that you write it out here - and it's so you...this soulful language "...my soul shrinks from the cacophony..." and then carebear imagery all strung together! And I am thankful when you don't write it out, too, when you let it steep and wrestle hard and let dreams go and let dreams grow. You are living this story well, friend. Love you.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love
the questions themselves like locked rooms and books that are written
in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you
would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” -Rilke (This helps me. God bless you, Sister.)
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