Thursday, August 12, 2010

30 Days of Hope: Day 30 - My Dreams, Part 2 (TTC)

I shared yesterday on a few of my dreams....MY language of hope. Today I share one of the greatest dreams of my life....

Perhaps the BIGGEST dream of my life has always been to be a mom. I suppose it started when I was a little girl like all little girls with dolls and then Barbies. However, when I was a 18, I remember thinking, "I can't wait to be a mom." I wasn't so sure about getting married QUITE yet. (lol) I just knew that I already loved my children and would give my life for them.

I used to walk around the dorms with a fake pregnant belly to make my girlfriends and dorm mates laugh. What they didn't know was that when I would go back to my room by myself, I would keep the fake belly on to study, to clean my room, to call family, or whatever for hours just so I could see what it would feel like to have this big "thing" as an obstacle to my day-to-day tasks (minus the weight of course). I wanted to be as prepared as I could be for the process.

A few years later, my cousin, Wendy, gave me the privilege of being in the room when she gave birth to her 2nd child. She asked me, "Did that scare you from wanting to have your own children?" I said, "NO WAY! That was one of the most amazing, most beautiful things that I have seen in my life." To see life where there wasn't just don't understand how obstetricians can see that every day and NOT believe that there is a God.

Of all of my dreams, this one has been the one that I longed for the most, envisioned so clearly, and prayed for so intently.

After being married for two and a half years, Arno and I decided that we would "start trying." We got off of all birth control and just assumed that in no time, we would be expanding our nest! YAY!

6 months passed, and we were not worried or stressed. We believed that God had a plan. A year passed, and we were still at peace. We figured that maybe we had thought it was time, but God's timing wasn't quite there yet.

A year and a half after we first started trying, the longings started to get to me. I wondered what we were doing wrong. I believe that God creates all of life and God has ordained my steps, so I thought that I MUST be doing something wrong to be stopping the progress. There MUST be some tragic flaw in my life that would cause God NOT to want me to be a mom. I remember asking Arno one day, "Why does God hate me?"

Over the years, I have had words from the Lord given directly to me as well as through other people about my children. I had a specific "vision" of my children, laughing & playing, long before I ever got married. I have hoped and believed in God's promises to me & Arno and even to our parents that they would see their children's children.

And yet it has been two and half years, since "we" were actively moving in this direction, and still no baby in my belly.

The day I began 30 Days of Hope, we found out that Arno's sperm levels in all 3 areas are low. Biologically, we CAN get pregnant, however, statistically, it will take much longer for us (as we well know). (Click here for Day 1 where I refer to this)

As you can imagine, I thought to myself, how can I write on hope? My dream....the biggest dream of my life...has been diagnostically threatened. How do I look past the reality and the diagnosis and see HIS plan?

Before receiving this report from the doctors, about 2 months ago, I realized that I had been angry at God. Why were teenagers, drug addicts, or unfit people allowed to father and mother children, while Arno and I who have both worked with children for over 10 years each, denied this blessing? I had NEVER wanted this testimony. I remember hearing people tell their journey through infertility and I was DETERMINED that THAT WOULD NOT BE ME!! I even made a decision to use NON-hormonal birth control in an attempt to keep my body functionning "normally" as God intended it to be.

And yet, with all my planning, praying, hoping, dreaming, I find myself at THIS place -- talking to you about my journey of waiting, hurting, praying, longing, and quite honestly -- quietly experiencing agonizing pain. On the outside, I have seemed normal, but inside, there is a loss every month -- a loss of what "could" have been, a laying down once again of my dream, a piece of myself that I have had to lay at the altar.

I know that many people seek out adoption or extreme fertility measures, but at this stage, the Father has not given us a peace to go in either direction. We know that we may expand our family via adoption in the future, but for now, we believe that God has directed us to focus on His promises for us -- in His timing.

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you will have seen this Scripture in my "About Me" section. This is the verse that the Lord promised to me a year ago when I started doubting His hand and heart towards me:

Isaiah 54 - 1 “Sing, O childless woman, you who have never given birth! Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor. For the desolate woman now has more children than the woman who lives with her husband,” says the Lord. 2 “Enlarge your house; build an addition. Spread out your home, and spare no expense! 3 For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will occupy other nations and resettle the ruins."

So as I wrap up these 30 Days of Hope, I realize the work that God has done inside of me. Does it mean that I now have all of the answers? NO way!! Does it mean I won't have those heart-breaking days ever again? Probably not.... Does it mean that I will never wonder and ask God what His plan is or why it is working out this way? NO, I am sure that I will.

What this journey HAS meant to me though is this -- the Giver of hope, the Lover of my heart, the Redeemer of my soul means MORE to me today because nothing makes sense without Him. My friend Sarah Raabe once told me, "In God's great economy, nothing is wasted. He uses everything--good & bad--for His glory."

Although I do not always understand, I choose to put my HOPE in Him, to go to the cross, to apply His blood -- there all questions, confusion, pain, failures, mistakes, & sins fall away.

Though it wasn't my plan, I know that I HAD to share this journey with you, even if only one person's life is impacted, changed, or encouraged. One day I WILL share with you the reality of my dream come true, but for now, my challenge to you is place your dreams and your hope in HIS hands. Focus on the GREAT DREAMER, not merely on your own dreams. He has a way...He has a plan. With Him, there is NO WASTE!! :) :)


Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

I must admit, I just read all 30 days in one sitting. I'm not good at following stuff. But I loved it. I really love that your sharing your heart for everyone to see (or read) everyday. It puts you in a very vulnerable place (especially sharing all that you share), and I love that your doing that. I love you Lindsey :) And I miss you very much.


Matt @ The Church of No People said... Best Blogger Tips

Hey Lindsey, thanks for being a Facebook follower of my blog! I hope you enjoy it. It is frustrating to me too to see very qualified parents to be struggle to have a kid. A couple of friends of mine have suffered two miscarriages, another couple never did get pregnant. More people struggle than we think. Yet God will work it out. That childless couple had a child handed to them for adoption a couple of years ago. Not how they wouldn've planned it, but very very good. Hope your journey remains a hopeful one.

Lindsey V said... Best Blogger Tips

Ashley - Love you too! :) Glad you were able to be encouraged by the post whether in one sitting or day by day.

Matt - Thanks so much for the words of encouragement!! We daily remind ourselves to put our hope in the One who does not disappoint -- flesh is weak, but spirit is willing!! I enjoy the candor in your blogging!! Thanks for sharing with "us"!

Lenae said... Best Blogger Tips

Firstly: ((hugs)) It can be so confusing... hurt so much, when we are unable to "zoom out" and see what He's doing in our lives.  This: "What this journey HAS meant to me though is this -- the Giver of hope,
the Lover of my heart, the Redeemer of my soul means MORE to me today
because nothing makes sense without Him." --is amazing.  I am so glad that we worship a God who loves us enough to bless us with knowledge of His person. 

Can't wait to celebrate with you, when that day comes.

Amy McCollister said... Best Blogger Tips

Lindsey! We should definitely talk. We're in the beginning stages of dealing with possible infertility. While we weren't planning on trying for a while, I have had the desire for kids my entire life as well. God's lead me in an amazing journey the past 3 weeks since finding out. (It's, as far as we know, on me, not him) but I would love love love to chat with you about this more. My email is or you can connect w/ me on twitter/MLG/

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