Today has been a melancholy day.
I sort of woke up that way.
I may have gone to sleep with those feelings last night, but tiredness reigned and the morning dawned with a sadness in my soul, even as I swept the cobwebs from my sleepy brain.
For the momma who may lose custody of all five of her children due to extended incarceration.
For those young hearts and minds who WILL find a forever home, but at a deeply emotional cost.
For the boy whose past has been a whirlwind and finds himself in trouble...AGAIN...today at school.
For my own body, aching intensely for the third morning in a row.
For the vulnerability that my heart feels when my physical weaknesses are exposed to new ears and I wonder, "Do they really understand?"
For the feelings of trepidation that making new friends and wondering if I can really be myself brings.
For the future of my granny, her care, and how that affects my mom, my whole family.
For a hundred things that my mind and my heart and my soul cannot grasp and contain.
I know that tears are just brimming below the surface and they are felt more deeply than words can truly capture. Although I have shared reasons and potential whys, the deep that cries out to deep senses that I have only scratched the surface of this gloomy reverie.
So here I sit, in my favorite cafe, writing out my heart....squeezed in the minutes between going here and there to purge the recesses of my soul believing for resolution, absolution, or maybe just peace in the convolution.
Maybe the brokenness in my own soul is making me more aware and alive and in tune to the cries of the downtrodden.
Maybe the weakness in me today is necessary to move forward in this haphazardly beautiful journey like Much-Afraid in her pilgrimage of "becoming."
Maybe my heart's tenderness is causing me to smell deep as I walk out my door and pause to remember, "Spring is coming...it's almost here...don't give up....wait a little longer."
Maybe...just maybe....
Hope is here.
Hope is alive.
Hope will come again.
8 comments:
I love you my friend. Love your heart, love your story. God is moving in you and breathing through you. Keep going. He is singing over you, "It is all gonna be okay."
Oh oh....beautiful Lindsey...oh how this is stunning. Your heart. Your realness. You. Aching in truth, showing vulnerability allows the spaces between "full" to be sealed up tight by the Comforter. No leaks in your heart can be too much for His pure ability to Encompass darkness, for He is Radiance.
Thank you for writing!! Oh that hearts can rejoice and souls can breathe because you show how it's ok to need. It's how we can live free - to see our need, declare it His, and wait for our new names. (You've referenced my favorite book by the way!!) Use those hind's feet of yours. You are called to heights of beauty.
Oh my sweet friend... yes - Hope is here and Spring is coming! Even in the Winter seasons - when things can feel and appear so dead and empty and cold... beneath the surface, LIFE is growing!
I can honestly say coming out of the hardest year or two... compassion grows deepest out of seasons of clinging to Grace and grasping for Mercy - for ourselves because WE are in need of it! And knowing - not just for others, but for yourself - that Hope is here... whether I feel Him or see it or not!
{{{Hugs}}}
I keep hearing Him say, "Just Breathe!" (He's got this... all of it... all of you!)
((hugs)) friend. Yes, like Much-Afraid. Hanging on to hope with you. Hold tight to the One who will not let you go and who does not let go of any of those you hold dear.
Lindsey, this post reminds me of last year when we were talking on the phone and I was struggling with a deadline for paintings. And somehow, as we talked, I came to a series of bird-eggs - on the theme of hope and the promise of Spring. It's almost a year later, and your words here match that ache for spring. I'm so sorry it's been a hard season. I love you, friend and hope these hard days and the spring ones are marked by rest for you and much grace.
((hugs)) I've had days like this, too, where the tears are running just beneath the surface. And yes, hope does come again! May your spring come soon!
I loved this post Lindsey. I've been in that heart-heavy place before and it's hard. I've found that I usually emerge a bit more empathetic, with a more open and malleable heart, but that prospect doesn't mean it's enjoyable. Blessings and peace.
Lindsey, I've been feeling this way, too, for a long time (what feels like longer than ever before!!). Some days are better than others. I understand these feelings you're sharing. I know that God is involved, so I remain hopeful, deep down.
Post a Comment