Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All

It's our annual-shopping-day-with-Dad-for-Mom's-present outing, and we have stopped at Panera for a quick refuel.

My still-recovering-from-a-bad-sinus-infection body slumps into the chair while my dad and sister go and get the food.


**photo credit

Even at two in the afternoon on Christmas Eve, the place is bustling with activity.
Two large groups of ten or more fill the restaurant with the cacophony of holiday fun and camraderie. Close behind me, accents from other lands fill my ears, with the chatter of the local twang mixed in for good measure, and I smile.

A father chases his young son out the door as mommy follows close behind.  A gray-haired lady finds a table by the fire, removes her layers, and settles in cozingly. Moments later, a man her age appears with food and drinks. They munch comfortably, reading papers and soaking in the afternoon lull.

I feel alive with the Christmas spirit around me.

And then, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of another woman. Attractive, well-groomed, tailored, also white-haired, and yet her face plummets quickly into her hands. I turn away swiftly, unwilling to intrude in her private moment, but my heart betrays me and I chance a peek again moments later as her friend arrives. Their words are muffled, but I can hear the desperation in the beautiful woman's voice.

I am saddened by her sorrow at Christmas.

A few weeks ago, I reveiwed Mandisa's new Christmas album, and this one song finds its way into my heart in this moment... Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry.


{Click here if you are in a reader/e-mail or cannot view video}

While I have walked through some personal losses and continue to live the life of unseen dreams making the past few Christmases...well...hard.... I have found my face full of a torrent of tears more than once, and yet somehow, some way, I have found my way ONE DAY AT A TIME...back to the heart of the Father, back to the Hope of Christmas... Jesus.

And to be REALLY real...it is still hard.
And not without personal loss...

So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ...
for the mother who mourns for her child,
for the soldier far from home,
for the loved one dead and gone,
for the relationships broken and beyond repair,
for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten,
this Christmas.

For you.
For the ones you love.
For the one who lives next door to you.
For the one you pass in the grocery store.

I believe and pray that the tears of sorrow for the woes of this earthly life will be transformed by the Hope that is to come, by the Peace that passes every understanding of our human minds, by the Love that not only lights our way in this world, but shines in and through our hearts. May you know that the Father understands every tear, feels every pain, knows your every struggle because He Himself found a way to surrender His one and only Son in the form of a babe, knowing He would die a painful death because through that .... YOU would be His!

May your tears find their way back to the beauty of that Love, that precious promise, the greatest gift of all.

Mandisa: It's Christmas *Christmas Angel Edition* (giveaway)

I love Christmas.
Picking out a live tree.
Pulling out the decorations from the attic.
Unwrapping ornaments that haven't been seen for twelve months.
Placing every one just so on the tree.

Finding the perfect gifts for those you love.
Wrapping them with care.
Watching the faces light up with glee.

Snowball fights.
Fireplace warmth.
Hot cocoa
And It's a Wonderful Life.

Soaking in the TRUE meaning of it all....

And so much more....but what REALLY helps me truly get "in the mood" of the Christmas season are the sounds of the holidays ... ie: Christmas songs!!

Yay!
So I am so excited to tell you about this rocking album.

From the woman who brought you the soulful melodies of Stronger and the upbeat joyfulness of Good Morning comes this amazing 2012 Christmas album, It's Christmas (Christmas Angel Edition).

Mandisa knocks it out of the park....seriously!

While the album is filled with holiday favorites, like Little Drummer Boy and Feliz Navidad, done in Mandisa's own personal style, the best part of her musical styling on this holiday collection are the original songs.

From the title song, It's Christmas, that makes us reminisce and remember what Christmas is all about to Somebody's Angel which challenges us to reach out to those around us who are lost and broken to my personal favorite, Christmas Makes Me Cry, which reminds us to take time to process our own losses or  to notice the hurting of the lonely, the forgotten, or the left-behind at Christmas as well as the beautiful picture of the bittersweet symphony of how a babe came to give His life for us.


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Hope.
Gratitude.
Fun.
Laughter.
Tears.
Wide-eyed wonder.

That is what this album provokes in your heart.
And to be honest with you...it exceeded my expectations
For REALS.

So because Sparrow Records believes in this album like I do, they wanted to offer 3 of my readers a chance to win this album for your very own!

SUPER cool, right?

Just enter the Rafflecopter below.
You will get MORE entries the more actions you take, and note which ones that you can come back and do EACH day...

Don't miss out!

Merry Christmas, peeps!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Project 365 :: Day 331-343

I cannot believe that I am on the home stretch on this Project 365 journey!  Wow! 

The past two weeks have been filled with photography assignments, outdoor maintenance, Christmas tree hunting and decorating, time with a few of my favorite kiddos, and MORE!

Day 331 :: Hello, world! 

Day 332(1) :: Illuminated Beauty in Focus 

Day 332(2) :: Sunshine and Symmetry 

Day 333 :: Sunset Play 

Day 334 :: Thank you, (in)courage and Lisa Leonard Designs

for this BEAUTIFUL #incouragers gift

#ILoveIt 

Day 335 :: Our new chair, now dubbed Morris' chair, for, well OBVIOUS reasons! ;-) 

Day 336 :: Raking leaves with my man

#FunTimes 

Day 337(1) :: Photo Montage with Sis

{She looks so much like my mom here!} 

Day 337(2) :: Christmas tree hunting at its best 

Day 337(3) :: On an adventure to find the PERFECT Christmas tree 

Day 338 :: An afternoon with the Gran 

Day 340 :: Watch out, Rudolph! There's a new reindeer in town! 

Day 341 :: All grown up! 

Day 342(1) :: "It's a hard life! I am just exhausted!!" 

Day 342(2) :: Mace girl, our goddaughter, LOVES her red boots!! 

Day 342(3) :: The Tabernacle Christmas production - Sci Fy stle 

Day 343(1) :: Our "mostly" finished tree

Day 343(2) :: One of my favorite in a set of ornaments gifted to me years ago --

handmade scrolls with the names of Jesus on it

I'm on a journey, chronicling my life with a picture a day for a year. I am nearing the end of my journey {just over 20 days left!} and have delighted in the consistent discovery of the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learned more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments. 

{Update: Currently taking the 2nd of two photography classes 
with my sister this fall/winter 2012...very exciting stuff!!}

What I Am Into These Days :: Fall 2012 Edition

Listening ... I haven't been listening to any one thing consistently recently. A few months ago, I purchased Deluge's latest album, Swell, and my favorite song there that stirs my heart is He Rose. Mandisa JUST released a Christmas album this year which I place to break out after Thanksgiving. {Review on that coming soon!}

Watching ... I absolutely ADORE The Voice. I will admit that I am quite often teary at a beautiful performance or watching an artist be praised for their efforts. I love to see a dreamer see some of their dreams coming true. Arno and I have been watching Alias together as neither of us saw it during its 6(or 7) season long run. Gotta love Netflix! I have also been catching up with Doctor Who on Netflix which I truly love. And of course, I could not wait until Downton Abbey was released in the U.S. in January, so I all caught up along with my U.K. friends in the current season. Love Mary and Matthew and I can honestly say shot that I STILL get a thrill of excitement every time I hear the musical intro. #MustDownload My interests are teasingly diverse...yes..that's me!

**Photo Credit

Reading ... I really did a lot of fictional catch up over the summer but seemed to have paused in that endeavor as of late. However, I am in the middle of Ted Dekker's {my favorite Christian fiction author}latest release, The Sanctuary. {Review on that coming soon too!}.  I am also really excited to be a part of the launch team for Graffiti by Alene Snodgrass. Stay tuned on my Twitter feed for more details about this amazing book from BOTH sides of the street. So amazing!

Pinning ... I recently bought Pinterpretation by Holly Gerth and Stephanie Bryant at Squee. I haven't written down all of my answers yet, but it was SUPER fun to go through my boards with all of the questions that they have AMAZINGLY come up with to figure out more of how I am wired! {I totally recommend it!}

Eating ... Um. Salted Caramel. EVERYTHING. The end.

Drinking ... See above. {Thank you, Starbucks, for this --> Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate}

**Photo Credit

Wearing ... Bought some fun random items recently :: sleeveless tuxedo dress, three-quarter length sleeved sheer white top with ruffles, a red ruffled skirt with blue flowers, a polka-dotted scarf, a maroon cotton dress, oh..and..two new pair of jeans. {Taking cute & comfy shoe suggestions for boot cut jeans. Criteria :: Must be able to wear "cutely"WITH socks and MUST be flats...no tennis shoes...comment below PLEASE!!}. Fall is my favorite clothing time of year with tights and boots and scarves. #SoFun

Feeling ... Winter weather is a bit tough on my body with recurring chronic pain flareups and insomnia issues. Thank you for your prayers on my behalf that it would be an AMAZING winter and not a painful one. Scared a bit about our foster care journey...some technical issues have put a pause on the progress but more on that at a later date.

Weather ... This week the forecast is sunny and high 50's -- just beautiful! Should make for perfect Thanksgiving weather!

Wanting ... A new telephoto lens for my DSLR. My current one is twelve years old and is slowly "giving up the ghost." Also for my oven to be fixed soon...looking forward to baking some yummy things this season...hopefully!

**Photo Credit

Needing ... to learn balance in my schedule, in my personality, in my goals, in my approach to life {creativity vs practical}

Thinking ... Christmas! Yay! My absolute favorite season and with this great room, I plan to have the BIG tree of my childhood dreams. #WhoSaysYouHaveToGrowUp

Enjoying ... fireplaces in our new-ish home, visits from long-time college pals, photography classes with my sister, time to learn and grow and process, and as always...His never-ending grace.

What about you? What are you currently up to?
Would love to hear your life-song in this season.

{MY} 12 Days of Christmas

Day 12 :: This book has really been changing my life in all kinds of ways.

You can read my journey HERE.

Day 11 :: Mom had laparoscopic gall bladder surgery

and her & my buddy, Morris snuggled up

on the recliner together afterwards.

Day 10 :: Arno & I shared a Christmas tree

posing moment at his office party dinner.

Day 9 :: Ever since I was a teenager, we would all go together

to pick out a REAL live tree. It is truly a highlight of the year for me.

This year was no different. I promise....we DID help out my dad

eventually....after we snapped our pics! ;-)

Day 8 :: I felt such a joy in celebrating Christmas at church the Sunday before.

Reminded that NEVER ONCE did I ever

walk alone through every heartache and trial

Day 7 :: My boss' {and friend's} son LOVES photo shoots.

THIS is one of his many self portraits with my camera.

He's 5. ;-)

Day 6 :: I haven't talked about it much online, but we are hoping to close

on a house mid-January. Here is a sneak peek into the Great Room.

Day 5 :: Lunch with my parents {grandmother was there too}

Loved capturing this moment filled with loads of laughter!

Day 4 :: This pic is kind of a miracle pic -- my grandfather

with ALL of his children and grandchildren. Years of shame & secrecy

transformed into healing and restored relationships!!

Day 3 :: While shopping with my Dad and Sis for my mom, we stopped

at my friend, Jamie's, who designs hand made jewelry pieces.

You can find them on her Etsy page at Whimsea Designs.

While there, I made a new friend.

Day 2 :: Watching one of my all time favorites {and annual Christmas tradition}

It's a Wonderful Life

Day 1 :: Christmas Day spent with family doing one of my

all-time favorite activities -- BOARD GAMES!!

Those are my 12 Days of Christmas.

Thanks for letting me share them with you!

What were some of your highlights??

Hope yours were special and dare-I-say-it.....relaxing???

When the Magic Dies

The magic of Christmas has inspired and wow-ed me ever since I was a little girl.

Anticipating Santa.
Singing Christmas carols.
Counting the days until we would fly from our balmy island home to the chilly winter winds, where our Maryland family would be waiting with open arms.


And then of course, the picking out, cutting down, & trimming of our REAL, live tree, the playing of the newest gifted board game with our cousins on Christmas day, exchanging gifts like socks & underwear, which you had to show to all, aunts, uncles, and grandparents alike because, well, it's tradition; and so much more.

The wonder.
The awe.
The beauty.
It never seemed to wane for me, year after year, and while it changed as I grew into adulthood, my eyes still sparkled with this -- my favorite time of the year.

Until last year.
Last year, when I found myself childless {for another year}; on an indefinite sabbatical from 10 years of full time ministry; dealing with over 3 years of increasing chronic pain with no end or solution in sight; in the wake of recovering from the fear of almost losing my parents in the Haiti earthquake; and isolated from friends and family because of distance in miles, in some cases, and because of distance in hearts with others.

My parents returned back from Haiti for the holidays, and my mom and I traveled to our traditional shopping haunts, and all of the feelings that I had been holding at bay, like a dam on the brink of bursting, slammed through my carefully guarded walls and I sobbed to my mother.


I told her that I did not feel needed.
I spoke about how I felt insignificant and how I had no purpose.
I shared how empty my arms and heart felt with no little one to share my usual, boundless, IMMEASURABLE joy of Christmas with and how I wondered if I could ever feel the same again.

I cried, "I want to WANT to give up!! Why is God so cruel to give me this strong will to fight in spite of myself, but with no answers, no solutions, no change, no tangible appearance of His precious promises."

To say that I was undone would have been an understatement.

My mother grieved along with me as tears ran down her face, lined with worry and stress at seeing her sensitive little girl all grown up and struggling through these real life heart breaks.

I hated hurting her with my emotional outburst.

I wanted to protect her. She wanted to protect me.

I could only imagine what she felt as a mother seeing her child suffer with nothing she could do...and as hard and difficult as this may sound, I felt even angry at being denied the opportunity to sit and to cry and to love and to lift up in prayer, my own children.

I truly felt dead inside, like I had found the bottom of my heart -- the deep, dark, hidden place that no one likes to go because the pain there is lonely and without tangible words.

Gradually, the Lord lifted me.

Like He does.

And carried me through Christmas.

Like only He could.

And now it is Christmas again.

Just a few days away, in fact.

My longing mother heart is still longing.

My arms still feel the weight of emptiness with a palpable strain.

And yet, something is different.

This year has been a year of healing, a year of soothing broken places,

A year of the REDEEMED.

Do not get me wrong.

The ache never goes away.

Not quite.

Moments that others take for granted.

Words spoken without a thought.

Memories made simply as part of tradition.

Hearing and seeing them still sting....

Yet, this year, as I unwrap Jesus, and His heart for me and Arno, for our parents, for the world, I ask Him to help me see with His eyes, to be gracious like His heart, to give generously from my own need.

There is a strange sense of hope that I have

In spite of the reality

In spite of the circumstances in front of me

In spite of the voice of fear inside of me -- "What if you get hurt again?"

In spite of ME...

I see Him.

And maybe, just maybe...seeing Him is the real magic of Christmas for me this year.