20 Questions for 2011

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~{RE}discovering God's heart and seeing how His hand has

& continues to redeem the broken pieces in my life

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Adjusting to life not being in full-time ministry and how I viewed myself

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~2 part-time jobs where I can set my own schedule

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~I don't think this would be considered unexpected,

but the fact that I am still dealing with unclear chronic pain

for going on 3 years now has been an ongoing obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

~Redemption. Grace. Rediscovery.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Peace. Rest. Quiet.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

~Relaxation. Rest. Change.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Grace for the Good Girl, all of Ted Dekker's 2011 releases

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~Arno, my bffs, Tricia & Alison, my parents, my sister,

my bloggy friends, including Relevant & (in)courage ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~a radical change from heavy brokenness to amazing redemption

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Last year at this time, my heart was broken, held together with Scotch tape.

This year the beauty HE filled into the cracks is amazing!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~In the midst of my broken heart last year, I did not know

WHERE God was and often wondered if He had abandoned me.

My relationship with Him has changed into one

that I have never had before although I accepted Him into my heart

as a little girl.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~I do not know if I have had MUCH change in this area

due to the fact that my life is limited in physical ways,

however, that has helped me emotionally and spiritually

to stop striving so much because I have been forced to slow down.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~Although I am an extrovert, I had been deeply hurt by "people"

and felt innately sensitive and and angry.

So I often pulled away. Although I am still working on this.

My 31 days of {RE}discovering the Lord in October

culminating in my surprise open door to the Relevant conference,

seemed to open that door wide open.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Being able to set my own schedule.

Having variety within my job description.

Exercising both my left & right brains

through both organizational skill and creative outlets

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Worry and anxiety when I should have been trusting and resting in Him

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Growing as a writer. Loving on people.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~God is working in the details

even when I think He was forgotten or abandoned me.

His love for me looks, practically, different than what I expected.

And His plans for me are more creative

than the space I had previously given Him to work in me.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

~Stand and watch in amazement at how God redeems your broken pieces.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q&A.

Because Sometimes We Forget

"Adam and Eve were birthed, or created, in the image of God.

Period.

But they didn't remember."

~Emily P. Freeman

This journey through understanding my good girl tendencies has peeled back layers deep inside of me like an ripe onion, causing cringing and tears that surprised even me.

I mean, when you have loved Jesus since you were a little girl and tried to live a "good" life and be a "good" Christian, you think you have this "relationship-with-Jesus-thing" basically down. Not only have I grown up having a REAL relationship with Jesus since I was four years old, but also, my parents are missionaries, so He was a part of our lives in every way.

At 18, I went to a Christian university, started serving in campus ministry and never looked back. 10 years of full time ministry later; hundreds of messages and personal revelations on His grace, His blood, and The cross under my belt, thousands of encouraging words spoken from my own lips to others about His amazing love for them, and then...I begin reading Emily's book, Grace for the Good Girl and suddenly here I am discovering masks I have hidden behind for years in spite of all that I "know."

And that brings us to Adam and Eve.

They walked with God.

They talked with God.

I mean they PHYSICALLY SAW Him with their OWN eyes.

How amazing is that!!

And then.

Enter the serpent.

Bringing lies and deceit.

Planting seeds of doubt about the One she knew so well.

Oh my goodness!

Is this familiar to you?

The doubts, the fears, the mantras of insecurity resound in your mind.

Your spirit cries inside of you testifying of the One who you know so well, who knows YOU so intricately.

And yet....anxiety, suspicion, and uncertainty weigh heavily inside of you.

and like with Eve where "love dislodged itself from her heart, sending her spiraling down into despair and doubt and death," you feel that same disconnect.

It is to me.

Familiar, that is.

I did not ever realize just HOW independent and in-control I needed to be until this past year.

My best friend took my silence in my struggles as me needing my space because I act "together."

My husband did not realize when thing overwhelmed me because I do not tell him.

My mom, I pushed away, emotionally because her heartfelt love threatened to break through my carefully constructed walls.

I put up walls, masks, and an air of "I-am-in-control. No worries!"

So, I found myself alone, angry, desperate, wondering why people around me were not actively loving and reaching out to me, the way I felt that I had always done for them. I thought, "Don't they see that I am dying inside? Why don't they break through my walls? Surely I am not THAT intimidating....right??"

About a year ago, when my life first radically changed with my husband and I taking an indefinite time-out from full time ministry, I sat down with a long time friend who has known me since junior high. As we started talking, I opened up about the fact that I really did not have the answers to the whys and whats and where-to-next questions that other people wanted to know, let alone to appease that voice in my head that needed order and control.

She said something to me that kind of amazed me.

"Lindsey, do you know how many people would not only be accepting but actually grateful that you 'don't know,' that you don't have all the answers for 'what's next?' I think you would be surprised that they would actually be thinking, 'Wow! She is actually like the rest of us.' Because you have always seemed so sure, so confident, so in control, and most people really feel like they have no clue, on a daily basis."

Her words just kind of blew me away.

People really LIVE like that!?!?

And they think...those things....about ME?!?!?!

But I wanted them to, did I not?

So they were giving me what I wanted

Or at least what I was communicating that I wanted.

I know now that the good girl inside of me never wanted to be weak, never wanted to look needy. If other people are, that is okay, but somehow I must be special....so never let them see you sweat....right?

Right??

"I hide behind my mask of performance so people will think I am smart, capable, and put together. I hide behind the reputation I have established rather than risk trusting an unpredictable Jesus. I hide behind my positive emotions rather than let you see my reality. I hide behind my list of rules so I can check off each one, as if I'm another step closer to God because I've followed them. I hide behind my mask of strength because I'm ashamed of my weakness....I have to come out of hiding in order to be found. To be healed. To be whole."

Oh! And this is where the revelation is just beautiful.

"The Bible calls the masks we depend on flesh....the Spirit and the flesh are in opposition. It doesn't matter if your flesh looks bad or good: it opposes the Spirit within you, and these struggles can rob us from living out of our true, Jesus-made identity."

The part that really speaks to me is how it does not matter if your flesh looks bad or good. When it is fighting against His Spirit inside of you, THAT is the real issue!

So what does God give us?

Mercy and Grace.

An escape that we do not deserve.

"Mercy protects. Grace provides....In the person of Jesus, mercy and grace show up perfect and pour out all over us."

We have to make a choice....I must make a choice to come out of the hiding place of shame, where I must DO and EARN and PROVE my own salvation; and to walk into the hiding place of grace where I not only receive the price He paid FOR me but I take that identity UPON me.

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

(Colossians 3:3)

"This is the different kind of hiding than the one we have practiced as good girls. When we realize the safe place where we dwell, there is new hope for the entire human race to breathe a collective sigh of sweet relief. God has provided a better way and because of that, there is a new way to live."

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapter 10.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapters 2 & 3

Chapters 4 & 5

Chapters 6 & 7

Chapters 8 & 9

It's Just NOT Fair!

I had a thing about fairness when I was a kid.
I guess a lot of kids do, but mine was sort of ultra.
If my sister and I did something wrong, we had to be punished THE SAME.
If there was candy to be divided you could count on me to be equal.
Even now as an adult, this mantra of "Fair. Fair.....fair, fair, fair." constantly resounds in my head. I can see it in how I relate to my husband.

"I picked the restaurant last time so now it's your turn." or even when I am unfair, "Sorry that I am being unfair, I'm a girl...you're a boy...that's the way that it is." {Amazing that THAT one actually works at times!}

But seriously.....

I think, as a good girl, I truly believed in my heart that if I did the right things, if I spoke the right words, if I loved the right way.....well....hard work, good manners, right thinking, kind words should be given more merit, more rewards, more accolades than those who do NOT do "the right thing," right?

And I know that God's grace is the answer.

I know that it is by faith alone that we are saved.

"It is a gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast."

Ephesians 2:9

I know these things. I believe them. I have taught them to others. I have prayed them over my life and over my disciples, family, friends. But somehow, when I am honest, I want my "goodness" to count for something.

"In the safety of isolation, I take off that mask of good performance, hang it up for the night, and dare to ask the Lord why the rebels and the renegades get the parties. Why do the prodigal daughters get the glory? Where is my fattened calf? I begin to question if I can ever experience the full measure of God's grace since my stores are so straight laced. Then, Shame chooses that moment to walk in and reintroduce herself, smiling as she sits on the corner of my bed with her I told you so and her sarcastic You're not so good after all. I am forced to agree with her. I'm not so good after all. I have issues. I still believe the crazy lie that God's acceptance of me is based on my performance. I'm still living in a small story that is all about me. That is the raw of it, straight from my ugly." ~Emily P. Freeman

Emily goes on to describe the story in the Bible of the prodigal son, the father, and the older brother and how as the good girl, she relates to and feels for the older brother.

"Good girls think there should be consequences for the actions of the prodigal, not a party."

A husband and a happy ending for the girl who saved herself for marriage, not the promiscuous girl.

The fulfilling dream job for the woman who has labored in tough positions for years, not the one who just got there by a fluke.

And here's the one that really hit home for me:

"There should be a baby for the couple who have faithfully prayed to get pregnant, not for the sixteen-year-old girl who had miserable sex one time with her boyfriend."

Ouch. I have felt that way.

Angry.

Hurt.

Looked Over.

Cast Aside.

Forgotten.

"We hide behind this mask of indifference, pretending it doesn't bother us, because the only alternative is to face the source of the anger and what we are afraid to admit we believe: How can he choose to reward them and ignore me?"

The fairness quality in me rose up with a mighty vengeance about a year and a half into the journey of trying to conceive. Teenage girls were getting pregnant. Women who were unmarried and living life the way they pleased were getting pregnant. Friends were on their second and third pregnancies. Women who had barely been Christians for two minutes were getting pregnant. And even today, almost 4 years later, it is still hard.

It seems so easy for some people.

No waiting. No trials. No testing. No "character" growth.

Just badda-bing-badda-boom.

Pregnant.

Something that the Lord has begun to reveal to the little, LIFE-MUST-BE-FAIR, good girl inside of me is this -- we all struggle with something. Life is never just "easy," without experiences that stretch our hearts, our sanity, our faith.

Maybe it is being single well into adulthood, lack of finances, issues with health, strain in relationships, marital problems, or infertility. Either way, we all battle with the loss of dreams or feel frustrated in God's timing or wondering why our "good works" are not paying off.

And the bottom line is whether you relate to the prodigal's journey or the older brother's frustration, they both had one thing in common: the love of the father AND the NEED for that love.

Because even the older brother needed to see himself as the prodigal....

"If he had come to his father in the same way the prodigal had, he would have experienced the same love and acceptance every time. The beautiful, redemptive truth is, I am free to identify with the Father, the one who offered unconditional love and acceptance to both sons."

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;

He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.

Raised in His power, the weak become strong;

His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

~Steven Curtis Chapman

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapters 8 and 9, mostly chapter nine.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapters 2 & 3

Chapters 4 & 5

Chapters 6 & 7

You MUST Nothing!

"As a good girl, we are so used to hearing words like you ought to, you should, and you must. With those same ears, we listen to Jesus and it sounds as though He speaks the same language."

~Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Although I asked Jesus into my heart, and meant it, when I was just 4 years old, I truly believe that the first bloom of understanding of God's grace began when I was a freshman in college, feeling un-popular, un-intelligent, and un-pretty compared to all the other beautiful, smart, talented AND Godly women walking around campus. Previously in my life, when I felt like a girl was prettier or smarter or more talented, I knew that I was "good," that I "loved Jesus more" {Ouch! Did I really just say that out loud?!?!}. Well, I did. And it made me feel good about....ME! All of my hard work to measure up and be good enough seemed to pale in comparison on this campus where everyone, or at least it seemed like it, not only grew up in a "Christian" home, but they, too, like me, really cared about doing God's will for their lives.

What was special about me now?

God took me on a journey of grace that first semester that has become a pinnacle moment in my life consistently reminding me of the Spirit's words to me on that chilly winter night in my 1970's inspired dorm room, "But for the grace of God, I could be the prostitute on the streets."

And I have never been the same since.
But grace is a life long journey. Like the ocean, it ebbs and flows onto the sands of our existence, consuming more and more of us as we yield to its work.

But ONLY when we yield do we see the world differently, including ourselves.

In chapter 6 of Grace for the Good Girl, Emily delves into law versus grace and the reason for the law and how it shows the hand of grace in tremendous abundance. I am not going to recount all of that here but I want to share the Scripture that has forever changed my life, and to truly "get it", you have to begin at Romans 7 which I will summarize for the sake of time.......

Pauls tell us -- What I want to do, I never do. What I don't want to do, that is what I do. I can't seem to get it together. My flesh is always in a battle with my spirit and the flesh ALWAYS seems to win!! -- and then he rounds off his rant by saying -- What a wretched man am I!

And then here comes the best part in Romans 8 verse 1.....

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus for the law of the Spirit of life has SET YOU FREE from the law of sin and death...."

Amen.

Such simple words, but they pack a punch in the stomach of the devil and his lies into the ears of every good girl, including myself.

"When you get miserable enough to die, you can be free.

Go ahead and live under the law -- give it your best shot.

Ultimately the law will make you so miserable, you'll want to die.

Then you will find that someone already died for you."

~Dudley Hall

But what about when it goes beyond the law, beyond the spiritual disciplines, beyond the rules, somehow we just feel "responsible" for.....well....EVERYTHING!!

"It means taking things on as my own that were never meant for me to take on. It is the false belief that I, myself, am the cause or explanation for the bad, uncomfortable, or dissatisfied people or circumstances around me."

Emily talks about how she could never remember a time that she did not feel responsible. I can remember always feeling that way too. I felt like it was my job to make sure nothing went wrong...EVER! And if it did go wrong, somehow it was my fault, even when it wasn't.

She goes on to talk about those "blurry things" where maybe we could have changed this or that or said or done something different, and that becomes a whirlwind of angst in the mind and heart of a good girl.

And then suddenly even though, in most cases, this impossible job of responsibility came from self....

"I simultaneously feel resentful that I am the one to manage it all. Why doesn't anyone else fix this? Why do I have to be the one? Even though I was the one who wrote the job description and hired myself to fill the role, I want to both quit and fire myself."

I know that I have felt like this time and time and time again. I wonder why others do not step up to the plate or why I always have to be the one who is so strong and so tough.

Emily says this of her roommate in college...

"In my silence and refusal to be vulnerable, I inadvertently taught her that I had no needs, no weakness, and no reason to lean on her....Hiding behind a mask of strength and responsibility is a lonely place to live."

Wow! I have done that too, repeatedly, and, I, too, have felt utterly alone.

Brennan Manning says it best:

"There is more power in sharing our weaknesses than our strengths."

"The power doesn't stop there. If you are anything like me, then you know the fine art of how to be vulnerable enough so people believe you are authentic, but not so vulnerable that all your mess hangs out. You know how to be vulnerable with boundaries. Even though it is freeing and relieving to share our weakness with one another, that alone won't bring much relief in the long run....We may be able to hide some of the mess with each other, but we have a God who sees and knows and loves no matter what."

Oh how I perfected that art! And in fact, was proud of my great achievement in making others feel that I had been "open" without really and truly letting down my guard. I just cannot seem to resist trying to tie up my mess with a pretty little bow at the end of my conversations with people, instead of just allowing myself to be, and even more painful, to LOOK, weak.

Are you like me?

Feeling the weight of doing the "right" thing, whether it be a spiritual discipline, a chosen responsibility, or a need to be seen as strong?

Pastor Bert Pretorius in South Africa would often say,

You MUST Nothing!

We, myself included, habitually feel that we HAVE to do this or that or else something terrible will happen. But God doesn't work that way -- in MUSTS. He operates in grace, in love, in choice, in relationship.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

~Matthew 11:28-30

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapters 6 and 7.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapters 2 & 3

Chapters 4 & 5

"I'm Fine" with "My Many Things"

"I was used to you being the one who always reached out, so when you didn't, I just thought that you needed space."

One of my very best friends told me this recently as we were discussing the changes in each of our lives and the subsequent time lapses in our connection.

I had felt that from people, that disconnect. I realized that I had even pulled away in the shadows after leaving full time ministry, battling through infertility, and struggling with daily chronic pain, I removed myself from "the world." And I even felt sorry for myself that people were not reaching out to me in my moments of greatest need when I felt like I had always made the effort to be there for them in their trials.

But her words made me pause and reflect.

And as I have been reading Emily's Grace for the Good Girl, I thought about the "fake fine."

I have heard people talk about that, how we often just say "fine" and smile, and I hated that so I really tried not to do it at all or at least rarely. But then I read a little deeper....

"We praise people who never let on they are suffering....

We praise people who remain strong, no matter their pain."

and then....

"We insult the beauty of intimacy and sometimes even risk our own health for the sake of keeping everything fine."

Wow! Like a slap in the face of my own justifications, I was being so "fine" that I refused to even acknowledge the falseness there in my semantics.

Like Sara in the book, I felt like with all of the aches and pains and hurts, I couldn't talk about them. I felt that I couldn't share them with others, so I would say what I thought people wanted to hear, and when that did not work for me, I simply started avoiding people altogether.

But as I mentioned, I was lonely, and I wanted more.

"I want someone to care. I want someone to call me and ask how I am, but what will be my answer, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm whining if I tell the truth, but I need someone to be my support....but I don't know if they are really interested."

And this was not a new reaction for me. In college, my roommate would tell me, "Lindsey no one has any idea how they deeply they hurt you because in front of them you brush it aside or laugh it off."

I wanted to protect myself from other people -- their words, their indifference, their distraction.

"A lot of my own heartache and struggles with the fake fine mask could be overcome if I simply allowed myself to be honest with God and trust him to lead me in being vulnerable with people....Hiding behind fine in the midst of God and everyone is insulting to the cosmic swing that God set in motion....Trying not to experience the whole spectrum of emotions is like trying to be inhuman....Our fluctuating humanness is there on purpose, to remind us of our need and draw us to the One who can meet it."

I also learned that I have a desire to do "many things" to reach, to achieve, to touch God's heart. Emily refers to this as the conflict between wanting to PLEASE God or choosing to TRUST God. This is what Jesus told Martha about her focus on the busyness of DOING,

"You are worried and bothered about so many things;

but only one thing is necessary,

for Mary has chosen the good part,

which shall not be taken away from her."

{Luke 10:41-42}

"If I am trying to please God, it is difficult to trust God. But when I trust God, pleasing him is automatic. Anything we do to get life and identity outside of Christ is an idol, even service to Christ. He doesn't want my service. He wants me."

As a good girl, my heart started out in the right place -- loving Jesus and wanting to serve Him but after awhile, I added more and more to my plate, people began to rely on me, and suddenly, I was serving from a place of ME and not a place of HIM.

A year off, time away from my old patterns and routines, and A LOT of soul searching and prayer is daily helping me, but I know that I will never quite get it right. And I am okay with that now. Each day I have to remind myself that all of THIS is about Him, loving Him, knowing Him, needing Him.

"So serve. By all means serve. But don't do it from behind a martyr's mask of duty or self-righteous obligation. By faith, believe that you are free to do it from a place of total and complete acceptance by the only One who is extraordinary."

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapters 4 and 5.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapter 2 & 3

The Conscience :: The Curse of Being A Good Girl

"You are my conscience."

The voice of my cousin, who also happened to be my childhood and teenage best friend, echoes in my mind from years gone by.

And I guess I was.

Her conscience, that is.

Although I did not really mean to or want to be. I just seemed to always have this innate sense of right and wrong. And I would feel VERY uncomfortable in situations where someone around me planned to tip toe EVEN close to the line. So soon enough, friends counted on me to let them know when they were going to far. Adults expected me to keep those close to me from crossing over. And I wore that mantle with pride.

You see....I AM a Good Girl.


A Recovering Good Girl, that is.

Yeah. I guess it is kind of like being an addict, but not like you would expect.

Emily Freeman in her book, Grace for the Good Girl, walks the reader through the expectations that she put on herself to not only be a good girl, but a good Christian, a good wife, a good mom.

And I felt like she was reading my mail, as they say.
But even more than that, like she had opened up my secret, private diary and exposed the lies that I have bought into for so many years.

"I never seriously considered being a rebel....

I wondered why I couldn't simply lighten up

and have some fun.

But I just didn't have it in me."

"I hated going to street witness.

It was awkward, uncomfortable....

I didn't know any real, relevant answers

to questions people were actually asking.....

I worried because I thought good Christians

enjoyed sharing Jesus with people.

But I didn't.

I felt like I was supposed to share it {the gospel},

but the truth was I didn't really know what it was."

"My insatiable desire to be the perfect wife weighed heavy,

but I was dangerously unaware....

Expectation began to speak:

'Good wives keep a clean house

and don't cry about paint.

Good wives make good food for their hungry men

and anticipate their needs before they have them'

.....Good Wife stood in the corner of my living room

...so put-together,

so strikingly perfect,

and so very ashamed of me."

"As a girl who accepted Jesus at a young age,

I couldn't relate

{to those with testimonies who went from bad to Jesus}.

In fact, I admit to sometimes wishing

I had a few years of rebellion under my belt.

Then my story would be interesting and dramatic too."

I have known for a long time that I am a perfectionist.

I constantly work to overcome that

Or more accurately I constantly try to simply let go.

It is often a daily battle.

*Photo Credit

When I realized that, even more than the perfectionistic voice in my head, the desire to be good, to be pleasing, to be acceptable ruled my very essence, I thought,

"Well, yeah, but I have overcome that...or mostly anyway.....Right?"

However as I read through Emily's transparent words, my mind drifted back to moments and memories where the good girl was solidified inside of me....sometimes through things that were GREAT.

The pastor's award at my Christian school

when I was 8 years old,

when normally only teenagers got that award.

The slightest inflection or inntonation of disappointment

from my parents or any respected authority

could put me into the throws of despair.

In the 4th grade I secretly decided to read a Psalm a day,

and when I got behind,

I felt like a failure, a disappointment to God.

I could barely choke out my confession to my mother,

who had no idea of the pressure I had placed upon myself.

Revelations of His grace in college helped in many beautiful ways

but have never quite curbed the duress that I experience

in my relationships to be THE BEST {insert relationship}

that I can be to that person.

And I think I succeeded in fooling everyone, including myself for years after that, until I got married.

And then Emily's explanation above was me.
I mean REALLY me.

Add to that a bit of psycho personal crazy, random sickness, being in full time ministry, and I thought I had seriously lost my mind. I mean good girls who have prayed for THE ONE, and actually get it {Hello!! God even brought him from Africa to this little town in Pittsville, America, where I was working} DO NOT go into depression.

But I was.
And I did.
And I hated it.
But most of all, I hated myself.

About one year after we said, "I do," Arno's spiritual dad said something that helped opened the cage to the trapped good girl inside of me,

"Lindsey, you are not called to be everyone's wife. You are only called to be Arno's wife."

The words were simple and few. No great power or magnificence in their simplicity, yet that day, they transformed my life.

Arno & I at a car show

{doing something he loves to do}

It was a revelation to me not only in my marriage, but a reminder that I OFTEN give to myself in many relationships.

I do not always get it right
but I am trying,
better yet, I am learning to let go.

I mean, I am a recovering good girl after all.

What about you??

I am linking up with Momma Day by Day and other brave recovering good girls as we journey through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl and share our journey in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. I am a bit behind as I had my dear best friend in town last week so my posts may be a slightly different reflection that the other lady linkups, but I have decided to GIVE grace to myself....don't you think that is a good idea??

Would love to hear from YOU!!

Have you read Grace For The Good Girl?

What in this post resonates with "the good girl" in you?

The Journey of Being Found

"The best part of hiding is being found."

~Emily Freeman

Hi. My name is Lindsey

And I'm a good girl.

{Hi, Lindsey}

A little over 6 months ago, I stumbled across this blog post by Emily Freeman talking about her book to be released in September. I had "discovered" her amazing writing voice a month or two before when she discussed the art inside of us, living it, breathing it, and much more.

Well, then there was this crazy amazing post that she wrote for (in)courage, which was the first post where I ever cried, and it just rocked my world!

But when I listened to this video and how she talked about letting go of the life where you try SO HARD to get it "right" and just cannot seem to make it happen, my heart leapt with the satisfaction of FINALLY being understood. I wanted to shout at my computer screen, "You get me! You get me!"

I even wrote a post about it a couple months later, how God is taking me from being good to being graced.

But I had yet to read her grace-filled words in the book package of Grace for the Good Girl until now....and since Christina suggested we read and link up posts together from what we learn, I thought it would be a good idea to get over any "good girl" qualities left in there by being open and free to share here....with you! And while overcoming "the good girl" will probably be a life long goal, being honest with my journey is MORE than half the battle, right?

Being a good girl does not look the same for every woman. You may have grown up in the church and always done the right thing, or you might have been the rebellious teenager in youth group that made the leaders quake with fear, speculating as to what trouble you might be into next. You might have only discovered Jesus when you were a grown up and now spend your days trying SO desperately to make up for lost time by being a good girl in every way possible.

For me, being the good girl, looked like loving Jesus from the time I was a little itty bity girl. I only knew life with Jesus. I really cannot remember before that. I always wanted so desperately to please Him in every area and to be a "good" Christian girl. I think maybe that is because people applauded and patted you on the back. Words are my love language, so I lapped them up like a love-starved puppy, feeling "good" about myself and thinking that my value was found there.

Emily connects it to wearing a mask:

"Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time. After a while, though, recycled air become stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren't become a burden rather than a game. Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief."

Coming home to the Father, to my Heavenly Daddy, basking in the knowledge of His love, reminding myself of it over and over again, realizing that it was real for me no matter how I performed or looked or acted became the new processes in which my mind had to work through.

But it didn't come easy.

It still doesn't.

"I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn't? To read between the lines of faith is to see Jesus. But reading between the lines takes work and invisible trust and the disregard of feeling.

I feel fear.....even for those to whom truth has been revealed, fear can be a loud and abusive motivator.

Fear drives

But Love leads."

I was working so hard to be a good girl, to be obedient, to be humble, to be submissive that I forgot to be truly authentic. Even though I prided myself with being REAL, I was lying to myself while telling everyone else the truth for THEIR lives.

"Maybe you are hiding from your dreams because to face them would mean admitting they are there. And to admit that they are there would mean you aren't living them after all."

This journey of grace

of discovery

of being found BY HIM

of living the life HE destined

stirs in the innermost being the desire to be....

"....A true you. An authentic, accurate expression of himself. A woman who is more than just a watered-down version of good."

Question from Emily:

Do you agree that that the best part of hiding is being found? Why or why not?