Unwrapped :: Open-Handed Love

Most days it sounds more like the booming bass of an African drum than the steady ticking of a reliable timepiece.

Thirty-four years of tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock....resounding louder and louder as each day passes.

I have always believed that God has a plan, His own timing for our lives.
Sometimes it just seems CRAZY slow.

I try to focus on the positive, 

but it is hard when little things derail me,

Especially the knowledge that so many friends my age are attending middle school concerts or at the very least kindergarden ones.

My friend, Holley, says we are all on a one lane track, not competing against each other, measuring mile markers at the same checkpoints.

I love that.
It reminds me not to focus on that "I'm getting behind!" feeling.

Which I do.

A LOT.

Yet. The pounding, booming pulses in my head reminding me that I am getting older every day. That my body is not what it used to be. That my curves have not yet held life and time is slowly but surely moving to the point on the scale where the hours are not on my side anymore.

I think that is what I appreciate about my friend, Emily.

I work for her.
She is a Mary Kay director, and I assist her a couple of afternoons a week -- office work, graphic design, babysitting, car pooling, getting dinner prepped, basically whatever she needs during those hours.

Her kids have crawled their way into my heart. 

Jake Ray is 6, almost 7.

Olivia will be 3 in two weeks.

There is play and laughter.
Negotiation and discipline.
Imagination and discovery.
Games and tears.

They know me well now...enough to push the boundaries to see how far they can go...we have our "moments" together.

But they love me.
And I love them.
Very much.

You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly.

She lets them love me and have a relationship with me
And not just me
But others too
Whom they both love JUST as freely.

Today
as I danced with them in front of the spotlights in the yard, making monster shadows on the house as their parents put up Christmas decorations, I felt thankful to be given this gift from two grown ups who themselves know the deep anguish in waiting in a world that is seemingly leaving you behind.

And I want to remember this open-handed holding in which they love their kids
Inviting others into the joy.

This is how I unwrap the gift of today...

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of it All

Maybe you just lost someone.
Someone you loved with all of your heart.
Someone who meant the world.
Someone whose presence the world is now oh-so-empty without.

Maybe the dream that you have longed for
The one you imagined as a little girl
The one that would make life just perfect
Has all but broken your blooded hands
As the doors have slammed over and over again.

Maybe you just feel desperate
The walls are closing in
The bills are piling up
Your health and mind are not what they should be, what they used to be
You wonder if healing and breakthrough will ever come

The kids have destroyed the house, the car, the yard, the neighborhood.
The man you loved, and to whom you gave half your life, walked out the door
The woman who pledged I'll-keep-your-secrets-and-you-keep-mine friendship just broke your heart
The believers, the brothers and sisters of His body, turned their back on you in your hour of need.

When life is just so hard
And you wonder how to make sense of it all.

Cry.
Cry hard and deep and long and good.

Run.
Run fast and strong.
Beat your chest.
Raise your fist to the sky.
Shout up at the heavens
and scream, "Why?"
Fall into a puddle.
and cry some more.

Sit with your grief
Your questions
Your anger
Your heartbreak
Feel them deep
Deep into your soul
In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep

Embrace your sorrow
Your should-have-beens
Your wish-it-could-haves
Your want-it-back-that-way

And cry.
Cry some more.

Let yourself mourn.
Give space to be broken
Let go of perfect
Release the noisy pressure of "Its-time-to-let-go!!" pounding in your head
Breathe deep again.

Grieve hard and strong and long, if needed.
Throw out the timelines.
Forget the try-hards.
Abandon should-bes.

Let yourself be human
Real.
Raw.
Afraid.
Honest.
Broken.

Scream into the pillow
Or punch it.
Let the rage run its course.

Walk out into the crisp cold night.
Let the tears come
Draw ragged breaths over and over again
Let your soul mourn.

Cry again.
A lot.
Until you think there are no tears left to cry
And then ...
Cry some more.

And day-by-day
As you let the anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration out,

Breathe in grace and truth and love and mercy

Let it wash over you

Let the contours of your soul find rest

A 

little

more

each 

day.

Exhale hurt.

Inhale grace.

Exhale heartache.

Inhale joy.

Exhale injustice.

Inhale mercy.

Exhale brokenness.

Inhale healing.

And one day...

you will begin to see

that the grace....

....outweighs the sorrow.

May it be well with your soul

As you plumb the gaping depths of your brokenness.

May the warrior be the child

As you crawl into the arms of the Father.

May your scars remind you that you are real

As you see the miraculous signs of healing.

May you be patient with your heart in the process.

May you find refuge in the shelter of His wings.

May you know how desperately you are loved.

May you feel Him wipe every tear from your eye.

Also linking with Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, and Duane 
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.
So thankful for places like these to share our words...

Releasing To The Fall

I have long had a fascination with personality types, even as as child I think, though I may not have understood exactly what I was analyzing at that point.

The natural bent towards psychology in my undergrad probably seemed natural to most people, because of this, although I still waited 3 semesters before choosing it. AND then I added communications, too, double majoring. Somehow ONE interest alone did not fill my quest for knowledge and understanding.

I am sure that plays into my temperament as well.

With all the ways to chronicle character traits, long my favorite, Myers Briggs is the one that I continue to come back to because the more I read about myself and those closest to me, the better I understand them. The more I seem to "get" people around me. The world just makes a little more sense.

The Teacher.
The Giver.
The Mentor.
Depending on which site you come across describes the ENFJ.
Me.

I get lost in the accuracy of these descriptions and true to my personality, find a deeper understanding as well as REAL LIFE application the more that I learn....soaking up the knowledge like a sponge.

My friend, fellow-blogger, and partner ENFJ, Kamille, started off her most recent blog post about her newest family addition like this...

"I'm a natural optimist with a slight worry, anxiety prone bent. Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. What has saved me over the years is knowing Jesus. Ever since a small child I've been drawn to his goodness that never fails. I've instinctively believed in who he said & says he is."​

I felt myself exhale when I read her words.

"I am not alone in this paradox of trust and worry, joy and fear, love and hate."

It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future.

I often find myself frustrated and prepared to pay penance for my dichotomous ways, especially in the wake of the ongoing traumas of the past few years {Haiti earthquake, unknown chronic illness, 4-year-plus-infertility journey, etc} where my fears and anxieties show signs of dominating the person I once knew and loved within myself.

So bottom line, setting aside the circumstances of LIFE, living in this polarity is well....HARD.
VERY.
VERY.
HARD.

To describe a daily need to stop and remind myself to breathe deep in-and-out like a motivational exercise video would not be an exaggeration.

It seems the older I get to more I realize, like Kamille, that I need Jesus.
Desperately.
Unequivocally.

And serving Him is often like a roller coaster ride with no harness, straps or seat, blasting into the sky, cannon ball style screaming and grasping for something to hold onto.

And when I look with spirit-eyes, there He is.
My Jesus.
Laughing.
Wind in His hair.
Flying high with me.
Arms around me.
Whispering...
"I've got you, babe."

There in that moment.
I learn ALL OVER AGAIN
To just let go.

*photo credit*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Melaia turned to the waterfall
and watched the droplets
form, gather weight, and splash down.
Only in releasing itself to fall
did the water offer its cleansing gift." ~Karyn Henley, Breath of Angel

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The God Who Sees {Guest Post :: Katy}

Meet sweet Katy. Yes. I MUST say "sweet" as I introduce her because that is how I think of her whenever I read her words. Her heart pops off of the screen EVERY. TIME. She is a masters-learnin', Africa-yearnin', words-lovin', soul-searchin', raw, honest soul. She blogs at her own personal space, B'ahava, which means "with love." When you visit her blog, I know that you will be as captivated with her tender transparency as I am. So without further ado....here's Katy.

The God Who Sees

He will make her deserts like Eden...

joy and gladness will be found in her.

Isaiah 51:3

I stare at this verse and wonder what wondrous work God will do to turn my desert and wilderness places into places like Eden. Eden conjures up images of a beautiful, perfect, and lovely place. A place where there are no tears, no mourning, no hurt, no fear, and certainly no heartache. Eden--where I can walk hand in hand with my Savior who loves me, likes me, and delights in me. My Beloved who has eyes only for me. Jealousy banished. Envy out the door. Anger not in sight.

Just love.

Love pouring out the windows and through the doors into my soul. Love that captures me and screams My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me," and my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming!" (Ps. 27:8). I am coming. I am coming to make an Ebenezer. I am coming to declare the Lord is GOOD. I am coming to find my refuge and hiding place. I am coming to carve out a place called Eden where I can rest. I am like Hagar desperate in the desert waiting to call her Lord El Roi—the God who sees me.

In the midst, I wait. Oftentimes, impatiently. I wonder why my cacti bristle instead of turn into works of art. I scratch my head wondering why my heart tugs with questions about the discrepancies between what I’ve asked for and what I’ve been given. I’m the little girl who asked for a pony and received a stuffed animal and who is trying to be thankful, but is looking a little skeptical and disappointed. All the while, watching everyone else seemingly get ponies and the things they’re praying for slipped into their hearts and hands.

Yet, the God who sees me is relentless. He whispers to my heart, “Do you really only love me for what I can give you? Will you really only love and praise me when I give you those tucked away prayers you don’t even know if you should still be praying? Do you not trust that I have this, even this under control?”

I whisper back, “I’m sorry, Lord. I’m hurt and I’m learning to be honest while still holding fast to Your truth. I’m here. I love you. Help me trust, believe, and celebrate that your plan will be and already is truly beyond all that I can imagine and that it is for good.”

He whispers love to me in the doubt and the questions. He lets me wrestle with Him as tears pour down my face. He hears my pleading cries and loves me the same. Nothing I can do can separate me from His love. No fit of rage. No streak of jealousy. No rash words. No accusing voice. Ever patient. Ever kind.

I continue this dance of raw honesty mixed with gentle nudges to renew my mind with the truth that sets my heart free to experience peace.

He sees me. Even when I can’t tell yet.

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 2nd in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us across the miles, across the generations, across the hearts that are His.

To read more posts in this series, click here.

What I'm Into These Days

Listening ... In Christ Alone performed by Adam of Owl City seems to be what I press repeat on the most these days. I cry almost every time.....

Watching ... I love watching a whole series at a time, so I spent time in the late 90's WB shows for awhile -- shows that I missed while I was busy studying in college. As of late, I have watched {and caught up completely, I might add} Downton Abbey, which I can honestly say shot a thrill of excitement through me from the musical intro of the first episode. There is a reason it has been named by Guinness Book of World Records as the "most critically acclaimed English-language television show" for the year 2011, becoming the first British show to be so recognized. And finally and currently, another British drama, Lark Rise to Candleford has captured my senses.

Reading ... I seem to do most of my reading online lately -- blogs and such, but I am finishing up Grace for the Good Girl, and then I plan to dive into The Ragamuffin Gospel. I am a bit late to that party since it was released over 25 years ago, but I think it is the right time for me to be diving in. Fiction is my favorite, and I seem to have a backlog of book waiting for me. I will have to carve out some time for them soon.

Pinning ... I found all of these lovely bucket list items on Pinterest last and had a blast pinning over 150 items. Some I have done and some I haven't. It encouraged me not only to remember thing that I have done but to remember that I have a lot more life left to live!

Eating ... I am pretty well addicted to Multi Grain Pringles. I buy 3-4 cans at a time so that they will last me for awhile. And lest you think I am SO healthy -- Hot Tamales and Twizzlers Filled Twists are, too, a great weakness of mine currently.

Drinking ... I am always drinking Clear American Sparkling Water, preferably in Key Lime, but also in Lemon. I started over a year ago, and I try to drink at least 2 liters a day.

Wearing ... With the variety of part-time jobs I have, doing personal/virtual assistant work, most of them take me either TO someone's home or working at my own home, so there is not always a lot of incentive to "fix" up. However, I try to at least half of the week. So on any given day you will either find me in one of my artistic, random outfit creations, or Arno's T-shirt and yoga pants. LOL!

Feeling ... I have been feeling quite anxious during January. I think between unresolved health issues, pending house closing that keeps getting put off, and my perfectionistic need to have a schedule, even when impractical, I have to learn to give my self a break!

Weather ... The weather has been unseasonably warm around here, which is so nice for the chronic pains to be lessened.

Wanting ... Primarily for our house to close soon...but also to go to 1 or 2 blogging or writing conferences this year. My mom just told me today that she would like to go with me this summer! Eeee! How exciting -- as I get my love of the written word from her. Praying that the right doors, place, timing, finances all work out for these things to happen.

Needing ... to find a balance between my left-sided schedule orientation and my right-sided need to breathe deep and just enjoy

Thinking ... about the future...house, children -- foster & biological, dreams that the Father has for me...for us.

Enjoying ... this season of life -- scary as it may be sometimes, I realize I am walking in the middle of a HUGE step of faith and I am not sure how I got here, but I am finally learning to just enjoy the ride.

What about you? What are you currently up to?

Thanks to my friend, Sarah Styles Bessey, for the inspiration to do this list! She will be joining us here on Valentine's Day during the Relentless Love series....so you will not want to miss that!!

Must Love God :: The Scarlet Thread

I am so excited, thrilled, ecstatic, ENTHUSIASTICALLY ready to share with you one of the beautiful new doors God has opened this year.


Must Love God is a brand new space where women can share their hurts, struggles, weaknesses, and brokenness together, as we learn daily to drink deeply from the living well. This site is meant to be a home away from home where you can bring your dirty "laundry", throw it in with ours, and we will wash together.

No judgments. No staring. No finger-pointing.

Just living water.

Changing water.

Life-giving water.

To this broken girl, in desperate need of His daily grace, on a relentless journey to stay submerged in His heart, I was SO IN to being a part of that.

So I am getting to write there today! Yay!

Won't you come on over and not only read my post, but stay there for awhile and meet some of the other REAL LIFE, BROKEN YET REDEEMED women?

Check out the forum where you can openly share your heart in a safe place and find others who struggle with the same things -- emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual -- or at least FEEL the same desperation.

A friend in college used to say, "Different circumstance; same emotions."

You are not alone.
Together.
We find our purpose in His love.

#MustLoveGod

So what are you waiting for? Let's go there together......shall we??

It's Just NOT Fair!

I had a thing about fairness when I was a kid.
I guess a lot of kids do, but mine was sort of ultra.
If my sister and I did something wrong, we had to be punished THE SAME.
If there was candy to be divided you could count on me to be equal.
Even now as an adult, this mantra of "Fair. Fair.....fair, fair, fair." constantly resounds in my head. I can see it in how I relate to my husband.

"I picked the restaurant last time so now it's your turn." or even when I am unfair, "Sorry that I am being unfair, I'm a girl...you're a boy...that's the way that it is." {Amazing that THAT one actually works at times!}

But seriously.....

I think, as a good girl, I truly believed in my heart that if I did the right things, if I spoke the right words, if I loved the right way.....well....hard work, good manners, right thinking, kind words should be given more merit, more rewards, more accolades than those who do NOT do "the right thing," right?

And I know that God's grace is the answer.

I know that it is by faith alone that we are saved.

"It is a gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast."

Ephesians 2:9

I know these things. I believe them. I have taught them to others. I have prayed them over my life and over my disciples, family, friends. But somehow, when I am honest, I want my "goodness" to count for something.

"In the safety of isolation, I take off that mask of good performance, hang it up for the night, and dare to ask the Lord why the rebels and the renegades get the parties. Why do the prodigal daughters get the glory? Where is my fattened calf? I begin to question if I can ever experience the full measure of God's grace since my stores are so straight laced. Then, Shame chooses that moment to walk in and reintroduce herself, smiling as she sits on the corner of my bed with her I told you so and her sarcastic You're not so good after all. I am forced to agree with her. I'm not so good after all. I have issues. I still believe the crazy lie that God's acceptance of me is based on my performance. I'm still living in a small story that is all about me. That is the raw of it, straight from my ugly." ~Emily P. Freeman

Emily goes on to describe the story in the Bible of the prodigal son, the father, and the older brother and how as the good girl, she relates to and feels for the older brother.

"Good girls think there should be consequences for the actions of the prodigal, not a party."

A husband and a happy ending for the girl who saved herself for marriage, not the promiscuous girl.

The fulfilling dream job for the woman who has labored in tough positions for years, not the one who just got there by a fluke.

And here's the one that really hit home for me:

"There should be a baby for the couple who have faithfully prayed to get pregnant, not for the sixteen-year-old girl who had miserable sex one time with her boyfriend."

Ouch. I have felt that way.

Angry.

Hurt.

Looked Over.

Cast Aside.

Forgotten.

"We hide behind this mask of indifference, pretending it doesn't bother us, because the only alternative is to face the source of the anger and what we are afraid to admit we believe: How can he choose to reward them and ignore me?"

The fairness quality in me rose up with a mighty vengeance about a year and a half into the journey of trying to conceive. Teenage girls were getting pregnant. Women who were unmarried and living life the way they pleased were getting pregnant. Friends were on their second and third pregnancies. Women who had barely been Christians for two minutes were getting pregnant. And even today, almost 4 years later, it is still hard.

It seems so easy for some people.

No waiting. No trials. No testing. No "character" growth.

Just badda-bing-badda-boom.

Pregnant.

Something that the Lord has begun to reveal to the little, LIFE-MUST-BE-FAIR, good girl inside of me is this -- we all struggle with something. Life is never just "easy," without experiences that stretch our hearts, our sanity, our faith.

Maybe it is being single well into adulthood, lack of finances, issues with health, strain in relationships, marital problems, or infertility. Either way, we all battle with the loss of dreams or feel frustrated in God's timing or wondering why our "good works" are not paying off.

And the bottom line is whether you relate to the prodigal's journey or the older brother's frustration, they both had one thing in common: the love of the father AND the NEED for that love.

Because even the older brother needed to see himself as the prodigal....

"If he had come to his father in the same way the prodigal had, he would have experienced the same love and acceptance every time. The beautiful, redemptive truth is, I am free to identify with the Father, the one who offered unconditional love and acceptance to both sons."

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;

He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.

Raised in His power, the weak become strong;

His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

~Steven Curtis Chapman

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapters 8 and 9, mostly chapter nine.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapters 2 & 3

Chapters 4 & 5

Chapters 6 & 7

My Hope for Christmas

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year.

Picking out the "perfect" tree

Decorating with years of collectible and handmade ornaments

Sitting by the fire watching "It's a Wonderful Life"

Spending time with those I love

It's special.
It's wonder-filled.
It's absolutely magical.

But last year something changed.

Something about the magic was gone.
Something inside of me seemed dead.
Maybe even forever.

I was broken.
Lost.
Hurt.
Scared.

And Christmas seemed to have lost the wonder.

How do you keep seeing through the eyes of a child when you are waiting and waiting and waiting to look into the eyes of your own child?

How do you go through "one more Christmas" without that suckling babe to hold, without hearing that little voice say, "Momma" for the first time, without experiencing the wonder of the next generation in the eyes of your own parents?

And a week before Christmas, out shopping with my mom, I broke.
I sat in the car, poured out my soul, and we cried together.
It wasn't pretty.
It wasn't redemptive.
I couldn't wrap up our conversation into a neat little package with Lesson Well Learned.
It just sucked.....BIG TIME.

And now I find myself a year later...

Still waiting,

Still hoping,

Still dreaming

Of those tiny little hands and feet that will grow our happy couple into a family.

And while much has changed from last year -- renewed hope, restored purpose, rediscovered joy -- I am honestly scared.

What if I lose it again?
What if I cannot hold the longings at bay?
What if I forget his promises in the midst of my own deferred dreams?
What if....??

So my hope for Christmas this year is that where I am weak, He would be strong.

When I am faithless, He would show Himself faithful.

When my eyes are upon ME, He will remind me to look to HIM.

My hope is that I will love others beyond my capacity to give.
My hope is that I can look beyond the surface to the heart of the needs around me.
My hope is that I will rise above my earthly limitations to see THE HOPE for the world
My hope is that my life will radiate that HOPE, even in the midst of the wandering wilderness.

This is my heart cry.
This is my prayer.
This is....

My Hope

Joining with The Faith Barista community this month in Unwrapping Jesus. This week

"My Hope for Christmas this Year."

and

with Emily at Canvas Child sharing my imperfect prose this week

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 22 - The Dance

For the first time in 21 days, I missed a day of posting.

#Fail

However, I am not beating myself up or scolding myself incessantly

{Yeah...I have been THAT girl....SO OFTEN!!}

My life has become a symphony written TO Grace.

The way she moves.
The rhythms of her essence.
The harmony with which she pulls the pieces together.

And yesterday, I felt bad -- REAL bad.

You see, I have these health issues that I don't talk about a whole lot because well, I don't really know what's up and neither do the docs and well, I just don't often feel like "going there" but sometimes I have a doosey of a day where functioning like a "normal" person, is JUST not in the cards.

So another movement is being written
and I live in the rapture of grace, believing that He has

an answer,

a solution,

and yes....even a miracle for me.

It has changed my life in many ways, but I have learned am constantly learning that His plans and purposes never count me out.

Yes. The picture that is developing isn't not quite what I had in mind.
But I think that it may even be better than I could have imagined.
In spite of the pain.
Heck...maybe even BECAUSE of the pain.


{RE}discovery :: In every situation, He teaches me. He changes me. He molds me to become a little more like Him, to have MORE of His heart, to shine His light into the world. I am learning not just to be content in ALL situations....He is teaching me to dance, even if that is sometimes JUST on the inside!!

Previous - Day 21 :: The Beyond

Next - Day 23 :: The Gift

On Breathing, Quitting, & Dancing

"Sometimes at the end of the week I’m too tired to be much good for anything or anyone.

I get that “my eyes feel like they’ve been crying” sensation, even when they haven’t. My head aches and my lips can’t seem to absorb enough Vaseline. I’m hungry, but making a meal seems like a gigantic effort and it’s much easier just to sit here on the couch, absorbing all the silence along with the huff and puff of the heater.

It soothes me.

To just sit here and be still for a bit....."

Click here for more about emptiness and breathing from Gypsy Mama.

"The sweat. The fall. The doubt. The belief. The sunrise. The trail. The pain. The end.

The sun was calling over the mountains like a siren to sailor’s death. The mountain called. I responded. Step by step, minute by minute, mile by mile, I endured the hill. Half way up the trail, I lost my footing and slipped down onto jagged rocks, cutting my hand and shin. I debated quitting. I mean, I had already completed a good amount of trail. What would it matter if I continued? Who would know? Who would care?..."

If you click this link here, you can read the rest of this story on NOT quitting by (in)Courage.

"We should write more letters,
and make more mixed CDs,
and ride our bikes around the block.

We should wave at our neighbors
and talk to our neighbors
and bake cookies for our neighbors and then go talk with them some more.

We should smell flowers on our walk to work...."

Over here, at The Art of Losing, check out the rest of this post and remember to "....dance when everyone is watching...."

I Know Your Pain

I know your pain.

You just received ANOTHER wedding invitation and you dread the RSVP -- Number attending __1__.

You go out with your group of friends and you wonder, "Will I be the 3rd, 5th, 11th wheel.....AGAIN???

You hear a woman complain about her husband's dirty shoes or dishes and you think, "At least you have someone to hold you before you go to sleep tonight....", but you say nothing...you DON'T want the pity!

You wonder how to survive in a world that seems focused on couples, marriage, & relationships.

You wonder how to function even in the Body of Christ that preaches and teaches FAMILY as the MOST important, primary, and basic institution that God has established.

I know your pain.

You see, I, too, have been there. I know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep and wonder, "Father, have you forgotten about me? I have tried so hard to wait on Your time, Your plan, Your purpose? Am I still not good enough? When will someone love ME?"

I feel embarrassment in my questioning, yet I know that He holds my fragile heart and catches my tears....and then I hear Him whisper to me...."Remember the cross..."

"Father, why have you forsaken Me?" - Jesus

Jesus spoke those words? He was human? Like me? He was real. He was raw. He felt heartbreak. He felt pain.

He felt MY pain. HE KNOWS MORE PAIN. He not only holds my heart and catches my tears, but HE walked a mile in MY shoes and farther and farther and farther until every pain I would faced was walked out. NOW, He is prepared to walk the distance with me, to comfort me, to pick me up, to prod me forward, to challenge, and to encourage because HE KNOWS.

HE KNOWS!!

HE KNOWS YOUR PAIN!

And as I now feel another, deeper, harsher, more ravaging pain (for me personally) -- a greater longing, a chasm filled with unfilled promises -- MOTHERHOOD.

I remember. He reminds me.

"I have walked miles farther so your path would be lighter and your burden would be easy....REST, my child.....REST...."


"I KNOW YOUR PAIN."

Oh Christmas Tree!

I have always hated taking down the Christmas tree, ever since I was a little girl. Sometimes as a teenager or college student, my parents would do it on a night that I was out with friends because I hated it so much. It seems like such an end to me of the holiday that I SO look forward to plus my whole family always goes together each year to pick out the tree at a tree farm, so I have to say goodbye to our time-consuming, hand-picked beauty. Also after all the time decorating and making it perfect, who wants to have to put it away and go back to REAL life!! HA!

This year wasn't any different. My parents are home for Christmas from Haiti, and next week we are hosting a gala event commemorating the one year anniversary of the earthquake last year. Then they leave once again for Haiti two days later. So this weekend the tree HAD to come down. Of course, Arno & I could do it AFTER they leave, but that just seemed SUPER sad.

So we worked on it today -- me & Mom & Dad, and although I still loathe doing it, it wasn't so bad! I decided to organize all of the boxes and categorize them with all the various Christmas items. Somehow creating order in chaos made things seem better.

It made me think about the Lord and how He works with us. The process is often messy just like with our tree.


It was REAL dry this year(and YES, we did water it!) so when Dad took off the ornaments and lights, the needles just fell off and it created this green carpet on the floor. Mom and I had to sweep and vacuum twice, but eventually the carpet was clean again. Organizing the boxes and getting things straight was MUCH messier WHILE the process was happening, but in the end, all was righted. And best of all, next year, finding exactly what we are looking for will be simple.

So back to how God works with us.....sometimes it is so messy and when He is getting rid of things that are dying, the process is painful and leaves us feeling barren and exposed. However, once He has removed the junk and sorted out all the "stuff" in our lives, the work He has done carries over into our future. We then see that His deep and thorough threads, weaving bolding through our lives, are not in vain but makes our lives much easier in the long run.

"....His yoke is easy, His burden is light...."