On Walking: In His Grace, Waiting for Glory

After Little Man left, I woke up every day for five days straight, went out my front door, and I walked.
I walked out "my demons" as they say {whoever "they" are}.
I walked through the pressures and stresses and anxieties and questions.
I walked until I felt I could find a way to make it through the day.

And.....it worked.

Burdens and inner conflicts slowly slipped away as oxygen filled my lungs and endorphins fired in my brain.

Mostly though, step by step, my spirit communed with the Father, consuming my heart into the heart of Jesus more and more each day.

Over the past four weeks, I have continued to walk, not always every day, but many days because my body cannot take the weight of this burden He has called me to carry.

I walk and sing and pray and cry.
Sometimes the crying looks like big, old, monster tears streaming down my face
{Hope I haven't scared the neighbors too bad yet}.

Most days, though, the crying is deeper, guttural, almost primal, albeit silent.
There are no words just Abba and Spirit and Jesus until there is a sliver of breakthrough and hope for that day.

From there, the choice to put one step forward in front of the other is just that: a choice.
Armed with His courage and His truth and His strength, life goes on.
Somehow, it goes on.
Even on the days when you wish the world could stop and give you time to catch up.

There...right there...smack in the middle of those scary, heart-wrenching moments is where Grace appears. Not just grace for me, but for all of those broken and rejected and abused and fighting to just keep their heads above water....right there is grace for them too.

And maybe that "them" is you......today......in this season.

Breath grace.
Deep.
Let's do it together.
Seriously.
{inhale slowly from the diaphragm and exhale...}

Repeat as necessary.

And then....

Wait for the glory.

It is coming.
I promise.
He said so.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield,

The Lord will give grace and glory.

No good thing will He withhold

From those who walk uprightly.

Psalm 84:11

When the Word for This Season is "Hold On!"

It has been four weeks since our {foster} baby, Little Man, left us.

A very, LONG, four weeks.

Two weeks ago we got a beautiful long afternoon visit with him and bio dad.
This was glorious.
This was hard.

I do not know if I can do "just a visit" again
And yet...I know in my heart, I would never say no to seeing that precious face.

Every day I pray for him, long for him, sing over him in spite of the miles that separate us.
I pray for his healing, for his heart and mind, for the miracles concerning his life...and ours...that the Lord has promised me. And recently, I started praying for bio dad and bio mom, for their full restoration emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I am believing for redemption to be all over this journey.
I am believing for things that the natural eye cannot see.
I am believing for this story...and all the characters involved...to shout the fame of Jesus Christ.
I am believing for a life song of His grace and glory.

I am believing for the radical.
Not because that is my nature
Or because believing this way comes easy.

I am believing this way because Jesus asked me to do so.
Because He placed this overwhelming momma heart in me.
Because He told me that our stories are not done being intertwined yet.
Because HE WILL NOT LET ME.....LET GO.

And how that would be easier...
to shut this door,
to cry and ache and grieve,
and then to just move on with our lives.

But HE will not let me.
He Will Not.

So I sit here
in the tension of the waiting
not knowing exactly HOW I am supposed to walk this road.

"I'll teach you..."
He whispers to my soul in the darkest night.

And each day I check in again...
"Still, Jesus? How much longer?"

His heart smiles and breathes new strength for this day into my weary soul.
"Hold on, baby girl, hold on.  Just a little bit longer.  Just a little bit more."

I'm Holding Love in My Arms Tonight

I've written this post in my head dozens of times over the past ten weeks, my little boy.

The way the milk gathers on your lips and oozes on my shirt as I pull the bottle from your sucking lips as sleepy eyes give way to dreams unknown.

The way I cheer with true joy at each inch and ounce because I know how important your growth is to this body diagnosed with disease and serious prognosis.

The way my heart feels sad as you move from 0 to Number 1 diapers as I know that that phase is over never to be repeated again.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Your laugh and smile are memorized in the caverns of my heart.
The nuances of your face filled with curiosity and expression amuse me to no end.
Your hands and feet kick and flail with life and a desire to move and to grow and to be MORE than this moment.

I see this little boy and I see the little man and I see the man I know you will be.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Foster Daddy prays over you to have a different spirit.
My heart leaps with that prayer, and I pray deep too, that you will not be like the world, not go through a boys-will-be-boys phase, not be influenced by culture or generational curses.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Your very existence in my world has rocked me to the core.
Jesus is challenging every fiber of my being to give and to love and to sacrifice more than I ever thought possible.

You, my sweet boy, are calling out the mother in me to depths and heights that beg to be plumbed, where words are no more.....just love.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

Tears stream down my face because in the eyes of the world and the law, I have no right to hold you and to love you and to long for you to be my very own.

But this love defies the laws and rules that this world has established.
Especially to this woman, this foster parent, this mom of yours, who had very clear guidelines of how she felt her family should be formed and prized pregnancy as the end all for womanhood and motherhood.

And then God placed you in my arms
In my heart.
In my blood.

You may not have grown sinews and bones inside of my mortal body, but you grew security and joy in the recesses of my heart long before I knew you were even being formed and shaped.

You came into this big, wide world on Valentine's Day.
Two months later, you landed without warning into my carefully constructed world.
Two months more and your path and mine may diverge again.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

I know not what the future holds.
I know not where I fit into your future.
I know not if I will see you grow from infancy to boyhood into a man.
I know not if you will ever see these words, much less know my name.

I only know that you have pulled love from my the deepest corners of my heart and life that I worried would never have life.

I'm holding love in my arms tonight.

You gave me the gift of motherhood that defies logic and critics and the way of the world.

In mothering you, I often felt, "I was born for this..."
In the face of saying goodbye I know I was born for this too.
Born to love you in a way that only a mother could....in the ups and downs, longing for your best, even as my heart squeezes through the grinder.... never to be the same again.

I love you.....
Not because you came from my earthly DNA
but because God wrote YOUR name, my boy, on MY heart before the foundations of the world.

And I will ALWAYS be YOUR mother...in the eyes of the One who placed you in my arms for this season....however long that may be.

I do not know what tomorrow may bring.

Pain and sorrow
or
hope fulfilled.

So....I'm holding love in my arms tonight.
And will hold you, Little Man, in my heart forever.

P.S. You can count on that.  Jesus made sure! ;-)

An open letter to Little Man's Birth Mom

Dear Birth Mother,

Today I hold the baby in my arms that you held in your womb for nearly nine months. He coos and laughs and in just 3 short weeks, I know his cries and gurgles and sounds. And even more, he knows my voice. I am in love in a way I never expected to be with a baby that I did not carry under my own heart. Amazed. Enraptured. Astounded.

And yet...today on this Mother's Day...the first one where physical caring and loving gives me the right to stand among the throngs of scarred warriors...princesses....mothers....

I think of you.

You who carried this child under your breast.
You who felt life come into the world the day he was born.
You who stood, slept, and sat in uncomfortable hospital rooms for weeks awaiting the time you could take him home.
You who had to let him go as he was placed into my arms...for now...or maybe.... forever.

I do not know how to comprehend this agony of surrendering this gift of life to another...yet again.
I cannot understand the weight of knowing another woman loves him as you do.
I am baffled by the sheer magnitude of heart ache, life has brought you through circumstances as well as personal choices.

And I do not judge you.
Well, mostly not.
Really. Truly.
My heart goes out to you most days.

My real struggle is when I realize, I wish he were mine, clear and free, here and now, forever and always.

And then I remember you.

You who are fighting to clear a path for his return. I am conflicted in wanting to rejoice for your successes and the sheer dread that overwhelms me in knowing that your success may well be my greatest agony to date.

I want to believe the best and still there are moments that I catch myself wishing for the worst. In those moments, I am shamed at my own humanity. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? But clay in the Potter's hands.

So with long-term desires that rival the breadth and width of the Grand Canyon and dogged determination to focus on the plans and purposes that Jesus has for Little Man {wherever that may me}, I first want to thank you for saying YES to life! Yes to giving Little Man a chance to live, to survive, to thrive, and to walk in the destiny for which he was formed and fashioned.

And secondly....
Today, I share this Mother's Day with you.
And for the gift that you have given me,
I wanted to say thank you...
...from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever the path may lead us from here...
today, let's rejoice in life....Little Man's life and all the promise that it holds.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sincerely,
Little Man's Foster Mommy

Snippets of the Crazy-Slow

I think I have written a thousand, a hundred, okay....maybe a dozen....yes at least a dozen blog posts in my mind over the past six weeks.

Sometimes they were just snippets of a thought.
Other times they had some meaty length to it.
All of them were amazing...she says so humbly...or at least in "my" mind's eye.
But alas, none of them made it to paper...or even screen....so maybe they were just to feed my soul in the interim of waiting to pour out my heart here....to you.

Life has been busy and slow.
But I have said that here already.
I just wish that I could expound more on what that feels like, what that IS in my heart and soul.
Maybe I will soon...or maybe not...
For now, I think I will just share what that conglomeration of this fast slow motion looks like.

1) My Granny fell and broke her neck six weeks ago yesterday. Her neck has been healing beautifully and the brace is now off. She is, as you can imagine, having a lot of pain there as her body learns to hold that weight on its own again. She had a trache for awhile which miraculously came out on its own about 2 weeks ago and the hole, or stoma, as the medical professionals call it is completely healed up. She has been from hospital to rehab to hospital and now back to rehab again. Each change has been filled with its own ups and downs and scares and joys along the way. Granny suffers from dementia so currently our family {mom, sister, aunts and cousins} rotate being with her around the clock. As she is back in rehab, we know that we are on the home stretch...at least that is how we pray since she has been IN rehab and BACK to hospital once already. If you are the praying kind, would you please pray for her recovery, the infections her body is fighting, and for our family for strength to continue with grace in this long journey?? Thank you.

2) I got a new part time job of which I am currently in Week 3. I have translated for Haitian students and families via our local Board of Education off and on for the past 10 years or so. Last year, all the translators had to re-interview and come "on staff" officially. In the interview process, I was asked if I was interested in tutoring to which I promptly said, "Yes!" So I am not officially a tutor IN an ESOL {English as a Second Language} class room for 90 minutes a day. Two thirds of the class are Haitian kids. I am working at a middle school so the kids are lovely and moody and frustratingly beautiful. I feel like this job is a gift to me and seriously, there are some that I am ready to bring home with me. {And I really don't say stuff like that....their stories/hearts are just wrecking me...}

3) We are OFFICIALLY foster parents!! Yay! and WHOA! This process has been long and arduous and I am not even talking about the paper work. I do not think going in that I was preparing for the emotional and mental onslaught that would ravage my being.

Will the first child living in my home really NOT be my own biological baby? 

Am I really ready for this? 

Can my physical body handle what investing into these lives will mean? 

Can my heart? 

These, along with a hundred practical questions racked my brain to no end. I wanted to quit MORE times than I wanted to move forward and something, Someone bigger than me kept propelling us forward one painful step at a time. I have been forced to face my own fears and judgements and life choices, and I am sure this is NOT the end...which scares me honestly, but did I mention my heart is now wrecked beyond repair? In the good ways...the ways that you know that this is right and good and part of the crazy-grand-scheme-of-things.

4) And finally....this one is hard and exciting to say all at the same time. The Lord is healing me. Really and truly. Heart and soul, of course, but specifically in body. About four years ago, I began having unexplained pains that over the course of the following year and half increased in frequency and intensity. With a possible diagnosis of fibromyalgia but unable to take the prescribed course of medicine given to those who suffer with this unseen illness, we made some radical life changes and left South Africa and moved back to the United States. While my physical issues were not the primary reason for us making that life change, they were the catalyst that propelled us forward. For the past two and a half years since then, I have fought a daily battle of balance in my life, trying to find the right amount of work-to-rest ratio. To say it has been hard would be an understatement, and just when I was ready to accept that maybe this is just the journey of learning that God wanted me to go through to learned more about His grace, the Lord sent someone to remind me of His promises to me {more on that story later} and He is really healing me. It is a slow heal, like synapses and muscles coming together in harmony again, but I am getting stronger every day. There are still good days and bad days and I continue to work to believe that He IS still JUST as faithful on the bad days...but I needed to say it nonetheless....thank you, Jesus, for this healing.
{P.S. THIS was actually on my God-sized dream list!!}

There is more...of life and potential changes on the horizon and buzzing around in my heart of things still to come....but I feel like this is all I can share for now.

I am excited to be living His plan in this season, in spite of the HARD parts too...
He is going deep and wide in the caverns of my heart and soul,
 and I feel SUCH an assurance that I will never be the same.

20 Questions for 2012

20 Questions for End of the Year Reflections

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

We bought a house and then I fell in love with it,  for this nomadic missionary kid that is quite a feat!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

For the first time in three years, I actually had to think about this question because no obvious answer came to me right away. Such a beautiful miracle!  I suppose the most challenging thing has been the journey of becoming certified to be foster parents. The paperwork and inspections and interviews are the EASY part. The part that I did not expect was the emotional and mental roller coaster that I would feel preparing to step into this. I am still scared silly!!

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I had almost 6 months of the year where I had more "good" days than "bad" days with my health. I do not talk a lot about the chronic pain issues that I have here on the blog, but they do overshadow a lot of how I live my life, unfortunately, not by choice, so the fact that this has been the "best" year health wise in 3 years is just amazing!

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

1) The EXTRA 3 months that it took to close on our short sale.

2) As mentioned above, the overwhelming emotions in processing what it would mean to be foster parents, to have the first children we would be "raising" for a time not be our "own."

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.

His Relentless Pursuit 

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2012

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Healthier. Happier. More-like-yourself-again.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2012 (again, without asking).

Chilled. Transforming. Revealing.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Grace for the Good Girl is on my list again this year as I continued reading into 2012. I did quite a few fictional reviews this year, but my favorite of them all was Breath of Angel by Karen Henley.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Arno, my life-long friends {college & local}, my parents, my sister,

Blogging friends who are IRL friends, Libby and all my (in) This Season ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Finding the desire and passion and drive to dream again

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I learned that I wait TOO long before I ask for help because it is so hard for me to ask so I am SLOWLY learning NOT to do this, even with those closest to me

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

The more I learn about how and who God wired me to be, the closer I feel to Him and His heart. The more I live the life HE created me for, the more I feel alive in my purpose on this earth.

That is the lesson that has come alive for me this year.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

As mentioned above, I have seen significant improvement in my chronic pain issues this year. While I am not back to my "old" self yet, I am SO VERY thankful for the healing the Lord has/continues to do in my body!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

As I am more fully embracing who I am, I am embracing that uniqueness in others around me. The past few years, GRACE has been like an anthem to me. I feel that the Lord is constantly teaching me not only to have grace for myself and my own story but for others and their journeys too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

The flexibility and the variety of working various types of jobs

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best, especially with the health limitations

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Probably TV/Internet

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Taking photography classes with my sister. Connecting with ladies at (in) This Season. Taking time to write more and more strategically. Connecting with others who have like-minded hearts and passions.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

What I have learned the most goes along with my OneWord for 2012 :: Relentless. The Father has shown me that He is relentlessly pursuing my heart. He is relentless in seeing the dreams He has placed inside of me come true. He is relentless to heal me and to renew what the devil tried to steal. He is relentless so I do not always have to be. He IS on my behalf.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

Weeping may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q & A.
Check out my 2011 Reflection Q & A.

In which I write my first post since 31 Days and it is FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY!

Roots

You gave me roots 

to grow in love

You gave me wings

to reach the sky

You set me free

to be who I am

Just by being who you are.

I learned the words of this little song as a child
and even then, something about them spoke to the artist in me.

I remember pondering, in a far off way, what that must feel like for parents -- to provide the roots and then set the wings free to fly.

Deep thoughts for a twelve year old.

I have always loved the idea of knowing where you come from.
Do I have Mommy's hands, Daddy's lips, Granny's love of analyzation, Aunt Paula's laugh and more?

I wonder if that is why adoption was never on my radar.
I like the idea of being known from the time you were in the womb
And growing up knowing where you belong.

But what if God changes your heart?
What if your story does not work out the way you planned?
What if the roots you long to give do not grow the pathways you once imagined?

What if God takes your heart and tenderizes it so much that you wonder if you can ever breathe or love again and somehow in the journey, not only do you love again, but better and bigger and wider?

The roots look a little different now,
but oh look....
Look how wide they will go....

Just by being who you are....
Just by being who you are....

******

This week I shared a little PEEK into my process of becoming a {soon-to-be} foster parent and possibly adopting one day. It is a SLOW journey but I need it to be that way for now so it is good and hard and good and scary and good. Thank you for your prayers and your own stories of adoptions and foster care from your own home or friends or relatives. The encouragement helps me SO much!

Thank you!!

Every Friday, I join these amazing word lyricists who write for 5 minutes straight just for the love of the written word....free and true....with no editing or fanfare. It is scary and vulnerable and simply amazing? Will you join me?

When Peace Looks Like Leaning In

The house we bought 5 months ago was built in 1980.
Two out of three of the bedrooms carry the trends of a decade later on their floors.
Magenta and hunter green.
{trust me...the green is MUCH "greener" than it seems as this photo was taken at night}

I remember a youth group banquet proudly wearing those same decor colors.
That was 1994.

Now in 2012, not so much.
But the budget does not allow for changes so we deal with the-blast-from-the-past in whatever ways we can.

Right now that is white paint, polka dot bedspread, stripes, and a chalkboard wall {I have ALWAYS wanted to have a room with a chalkboard wall} being painted by our friend who is a professional painter. He's 72 by the way and has the strength and endurance of a man half his age, maybe even two put together. And amazingly, an artistic eye. We're planning a painted tree with leaves and who knows what else. But it is gonna be so much fun!

This is the room for our foster kids.
No. We do not have any yet.
And I do not know their names.
But I am preparing and planning and painting with love like an expectant woman filled to the brim with hope and anticipation of the life that Jesus is entrusting to her.

It has been a hard road -- this foster care journey -- and yet, here I am nesting and planning like I can only imagine a first time mother does as she welcomes her first child.

It is different, of course.
But maybe not so different.

Different circumstances, same emotions, same heart...that is what my friend, James, always said.

And I believe him.

It is not the story I planned.
Not the way I thought I would be "preparing the room"
but convention has never been a part of my dynamic
so why start now?

So I am stepping out, a little afraid, but with amazing peace, which almost rattles me right there.
But I lean into it anyway.
That peace.
I have learned nothing else will do.

God never asked me if I could, 

He used me 

because He knew I trusted 

that HE would. 

- J.D., writer at Compassion Can 

{Beyond Measure}

 

Also linking up with these great communities....

The Journey of Finding Courage

I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome.

It went a little something like this:

What about foster care?
What about making a personal, life-changing difference in the life of a child?

Yeah! Let's do it!

Okay. But first things first. Step down from full time ministry for an indefinite sabbatical. Pack up and move back to the Northern Hemisphere. Process. Take a much-needed mental and emotional time out. Spend time with a counselor friend. Process. Process some more.

Make small lifestyle changes to attempt to get healthier. Rest ALOT. Process. Search houses to purchase for a year. Find out where to begin with the foster care journey. Attend an informational meeting. Process. Sign up for training classes. Put in an offer on a house. Wait for closing. Process.

Attend training classes for EIGHT LONG WEEKS. Think about adoption for the first time in my life. Take a lot of deep breaths. Wait longer for closing. Process. Graduate from training classes. Consider an ADOPTION case presented on graduation night!!! Wait EVEN longer for closing. Pack in faith. Process.

Finally close on house. Paint, paint, paint, paint, paint, paint. Move in. Process. Begin foster care home study. Fill out LOTS of paperwork. Open up home to more and more inspection. Bare soul to social worker. Process. Attend a family informational meeting about said adoption case. Feel a little overwhelmed to adopt teen mom. Back away from case.

Go to Haiti for ten days. Process A LOT. Come back to a broken water pump. Get a call for an emergency placement of grade school child. Say "no"... for now. Process. Spend summer with family.  Continue to prep home for foster care certification.  Attend another family informational meeting about grade school child. Process. Plan with current foster mom to meet child.  Meet little girl and foster mom's bio children. Have doubts about bringing child who is happy where she is into a childless home. Process MORE.

Co-plan 40th anniversary of marriage and ministry for parents. Spend time with out of town guests. Get last minute call to take same little girl short term. Have melt down. Realize I am still not quite ready. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt trip myself. Process. Process. Process. Hear God remind me that not all faith-steps look the same. Go with my first instincts. Prepare to begin with respite. Finalize last minute certification details. Rest in the baby steps. Trust in God's timing.

We should be certified within the next couple of weeks for foster care and be accepting cases at that point. Next week, I am planning to freshly paint and fun deco the designated room, with some help from great friends. {Pictures when finished} It has been a hard, LONG journey to get to this point but I have more peace amid the thousand butterflies still fluttering inside of my stomach, head, heart... Eternally posessed with a mind that questions and analyzes, I constantly snatch at peace when it passes my way.

And then quotes like that Maya Angelou one up there just stop me in my tracks

My journey has prepared me to be brave {or at least try} .... for them.
To say NO when I knew I was not ready even when I felt others judge me.
Even when I have judged myself.
Even when I still struggle to understand my hesitations along the way.

But I do know this.
I am stronger.
Truly.
A little more courageous too maybe.
And I see how He is expanding my heart, my mind, my voice to stand in the gap for those whose voice is small or have no outlet to speak out for themselves.

Also, today I am honored to be featured over at Must Love God for their 4x4 September Reset, sharing on the mental struggle to just hold on to Jesus for all you are worth. Please come over and show their space some love. It is an amazing home/ministry to reach women physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally right where they are at, with the writers sharing from their own daily journey through grace.




Also linking up with these great communities....

When Faith Looks Like Wet Feet

"Faith isn't faith 

until it's all you are holding on to."

My mom used to describe it as "holding onto Jesus for all you are worth."

I have never really thought of myself as a "great woman of faith."

I am analytical, skeptical, thoughtful, curious.
I am a plan-your-chess-moves-20-steps-ahead-girl. {If I even played chess that is...}
I seek understanding, purpose, meaning behind every life event, people interaction, and random nuance.

"Lindsey, you cannot know the end before the beginning..." 

Another pearl of wisdom from my mother....she knew at a young age, when I would analyze her attempts at comforting, that parenting a child like me would require creativity, skill, and A LOT of wisdom from Jesus.

I just wanted to know. . . . . EVERYTHING!
I still do.

From grade school to college, that voracious appetite for knowledge served me well with teachers and classmates alike. Dubbed "The Sponge" by my college professors at graduation, I plunged into real world living with the same thirst for insight.

But how do you live out blind faith and trust in God with such a desire to dissect and master every morsel, every scrap, every particle of data?

In the wake of a now-looming decision last week, I found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, and disillusioned with my own feelings, fears, understandings, and timelines of our current journey -- foster care.

The longing to pursue this ministry gave birth in my heart more than two years ago. Yet my own current hesitance as well as pressure to receive cases.....children before certification is finalized, house details are arranged, back up care is permitted and a thousand other details leave me feeling lost in an avalanche of unexpected emotions, clawing their way through my already-fragile soul.

Brokenhearted at the path's unfolding,
Longing to find peace in the chaos,
Desperate to understand as well as be understood,
I sought refuge at my church's monthly week-long prayer meetings.
On the very first night.

Pouring out my soul to the Father,
I confessed my guilt and condemnation over not having the faith I have seen in the Word.
Faith like Paul to stand before kings.
Faith like Peter to walk on water.
Faith like David to face the giant.

And then....
Just like a whisper, breathing life into my bones like a sunset ocean breeze...

He said,
"Faith isn't always in the big moments. In the grand gestures. Faith does not always have to look like jumping in the deep end. Sometimes faith is just being obedient like Moses to stand before a nation of people, step into the water from the shoreline, and believe that somehow, some way, there will be a pathway through that Red Sea."

To step in, even ankle deep, in front of other people knowing you might fail, or look stupid, or be drowned by the enormity of the obstacles in your path, well, let me say...it takes the breathe right out of my heart.

Yet, somehow.....
Where I am weak.
He is strong.

Because as I step in faith,
He holds the water back,
keeping me dry.

The threats might still surround me.
I mean, imagine how Moses and the Israelite people must have felt with gigantic swells of moisture roaring as wall-like monsters to the left and to the right of them. They had to trust that God would fulfill His promise to take them to the other side.

The first step might not have seemed like that big of a deal. After all he was just sticking his toes into the water. But just like "the first cut is the deepest," the inaugural step of faith into every new endeavor takes faith that only God in His infinite wisdom can impart into your bones.

So where do I go?
Back to Him.
Back to my knees.
Safe in the shelter of His wings.
Even as my feet start to get a little wet.

Can I Truly Love?

"You can give without loving,

but you cannot love without giving."

~Amy Carmichael~

These words ping pong off the recesses of my heart and soul. In spite of years of full time ministry and loving people of all ages with the various hats we wore, the challenge to love for me LOOMS larger than life in this season more than ever.

Daily, my desire to throw in the towel before TRULY even embarking on this foster care/adoption journey screams in my mind, and I ask myself that question, "How do I know I will...or can...love the child they give me to care for or even to take in as my own?" Because while I realize that there are cases where, even with adoption, it just does not click for everyone, my heart breaks to think that could be us -- the ones rejecting or maybe the ones being rejected. The reasons are numerous and valid as to why or how this could happen, and I have no desire to add to that statistic.

People talk about taking a risk, leaping in faith when you are falling in love. "Take a chance on love" is a mantra I have heard more than once. Little did I realize that walking down the road of having my heart broken romantically would guide and prepare me to embark on this new adventure of loving the least of these.

And while I will probably continue to ask myself if I am TRULY cut out for this every day for the rest of my life, my real question is do I have the capacity to love like this if I am not loved in return, if they choose to leave and walk away, if they blame us for their sorrows, if..if...if...???

And I know the answer....

A resounding NO.

I cannot love like this.

It is a great impossibility.

I do not have the capacity for this impossible kind of love.

Not on my own anyway....

I can only surrender.
My life into His hands
Trusting His heart
To love through mine, in mine, in spite of mine
Believing that somehow, someway, He will make a way through the tumultuous storms -- past, present, and future.

So I suppose the even deeper question is, "Am I ready to give of myself, of my heart, my time, my energies?" because "...you cannot love without giving," right?

And quite honestly, I do not know. Those answers are not yet clear to me today.

So....

I put my hope in Him...

God has chosen to make known....this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

I Corinthians 1:27

...that the Christ IN me may shine His glory, His hope to the world around in the way He sees fit.

{Heaven, help me!}

Thank you for your continued prayers as we walk out

our faith with fear and trembling in these life-changing decisions....

The Joy Dare

1000 gifts in 2012

196) A job where I get MAJOR discounts on all things skin and beauty

197) Though my body felt a bit "broken" by the end of it, I actually enjoyed my 12 hour work day.

198) That precious little one and her little one who came across our path

199) Yummy ham steak {I forgot how easy it was to cook!}

200) How quickly the cheese melts onto the broccoli...mhmm...perfect!

201) Her words, straight & true to the heart, "I think you guys will make awesome parents."

202) My thoughts of His plans & His love {ring LOUDLY in my heart}

203) "It's A Boy!" -- My bff's text after she found out her "girl" was really a BOY!

204) Talking to my pal, Annie -- 2 extroverts at play! ;-)

205) Time with my love, just being together, watching our current favorite TV show reruns

206) Time to read and catch up with commenters

207) Space to share my dreams and fears online

208) His reminder of how beautiful love is when He writes your story

209) His never ending patience with me

210) The way He loves me {Oh, He loves us...oh how He loves us....}

211) The quote by Hugh Macleod about crayons and creativity

212) "You can give without loving, but you cannot love with giving." ~Amy Carmichael {inspired this post today}

213) Emily W's hard yet encouraging words on foster care

Won't you join me? Take The Joy Dare!

Here is a list of ideas to daily help you to SEE in the midst of the busy days...