One Word :: Rearview Reflection and Dreaming into 2013

After I told my sister my one word for the year at the beginning of 2012, she later confessed that she asked God, "Really Lord? Isn't Lindsey relentless enough already?"

I have laughed over and over and over about that thought.

And I realized how true it is. I have a RATHER persistent personality....usually enticing people into my ideas and passions with contagious excitement.

Usually.

I have long been aware that there is a fine line between influence and manipulation. I try hard to keep that line really OBVIOUS to myself. No one HATES being manipulated more than me so I do not want to be the one to inflict that yucky-ness on others.

But that relentless nature in my 90%-fight-over-10%-flight reaction in my being took a beating in the struggles of the past 3-4 years.  So when I wrote about Relentless on January 5 of last year...I knew that God wanted to show Himself relentless in my life. I truly did get that.

But.....
.....the depth to which He has plumbed, I honestly do not know if I have the words to adequately explain because it has been so vast and thorough and well...amazing...

Let me try....

I feel more aware of the fact that He is Relentless FOR me, IN me, THROUGH me, IN SPITE of me. His grace to see me through every circumstance, to let me be still while He fights for me....well...there is no other way to say it than...I needed that. I needed to have a rescuer. I needed to learn how to LET Him be that. I needed the white knight. And He met me where I was at.

I will probably always be learning how to let go, to let Him, to be, to stop doing all the time, but this past year was an amazing kickstart.

My word for this year came to me in a whirlwind of a surprise, and yet slowly as it has seeped into my heart, I see the way God is weaving the tapestry together in this decade of grace. Arno {the hubs} even commented on the connection...

2010 - The Year of Grace
2011 - The Year of the Redeemed
2012 - The Relentless Year

And now.....

Taking this extrovert to a place of quiet and even loneliness, showing me who He is AND who He is IN me. This word both scares and excites me, like one's one word should I think.  Like every big launching pad moment, the knowledge that change is coming has me simultaneously shaking in my boots and shouting Hallelujah in the deepest recesses of my soul.

Like "Be STILL and know that I am God...." and "I am STILL in control, my child..."

Yeah. Like I said. Shaking and shouting.
All at the same time.

So of course Psalm 46:10 will not stop persisting in my head.
I looked it up and discovered some interesting perspectives in various versions that got me just a wee bit more excited!

New International Version (©1984) "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." 

New Living Translation (©2007) "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."  

New American Standard Bible (©1995) "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009) Stop your fighting--and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth." 

International Standard Version (©2012) Be in awe and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted throughout the earth.  

Aramaic Bible in Plain English (©2010) Return and know that I AM GOD. I am exalted among the nations and I am exalted in the Earth. 

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995) Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth. 

Okay, if you are STILL here, and I haven't lost you in my comparing-versions-geek-fest, well, YAY! And I will share more as the year progresses...

Now.........I would love to hear YOUR one word {or link to your blog post about it if applicable}, if you have chosen one or even one of your goals for this year. I think sharing our plans/goals/dreams, while scary, gives us, not only accountability, but also stirs excitement in our bones...makes it real!

So c'mon...get real WITH me...yeah?

Happy New Year, friends!
This is a special one, eh?

A Year in Review :: My Favorite 2012 Blog Posts

There is something really cool about blogging (and photographing) your life.
You READ and SEE the changes up close and personal.
It is kind of an amazing thing!

Here are some glimpses of my journey through 2012, month by month.
Feel free to browse through and find the one or ones that speak to you most.
It has been a beautiful year -- a Relentless one {more on that One Word pilgrimage coming soon},
and it is my pleasure to be able to share it with you!

January

Snow-Quiet Moments
"With more energy and life now, I pick up my postal delivery and flit out the door to bask in the not-quite-yet-wonderland. As magical as the morning dusk to some, this midnight hour is to me. The world is quiet. The snow falls tiny and unnoticed. There is no one around."

Who Am I To Judge?
"But where is the love? Where is the redemption in my heart? Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family? Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?"

February

His Banner Over Me Is Love
"And on and on and on and on it goes. It rages and storms and beats and batters and bruises my wounded soul until I have shocked and scared her into a submission she was not meant to endure. Anxiety. That demon-monster puts its clutches into every fiber of my being, my very humanity, until the voice of the One whom I have known since I was a little girl is replaced with HIS horrid mantra."

Happiness is Overrated....or Is It?
"And so....happiness is overrated....became my motto. I figured. God never promised us that we would be happy, just that He would be with us. And He was always with me. Of that, I am sure."

March

Can I Truly Love?
(The internal wrestling at the beginning of our foster care journey)

To be Fearless
"Tippy-toeing on broken glass. Holding new life in my hands. Walking through the creepy forest of fairy tale lore.  Grasping. Wailing. Bleeding. From fear that holds me hostage...."

Brave
"I want to be brave. Brave enough to swim the English channel. Climb Pike's Pea.k And travel around the world on a wing and a prayer. I want to be brave. Brave enough to say I'm sorry. I forgive you.
 I love you. I need you."

Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope
"I sat frozen by the news. After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart."

Where I Fly

(a favorite childhood place...written poetry style)

April

Light
"The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach."

In the Shadows
"I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows. At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life."

Community
(Where I learned that community was not as far away as I thought it was)

May

The Artist's Voice
"Artists SEE each other. 
 We recognize greatness. We understand the way one's heart is worn on the sleeve. We hear the unique drumbeat even when it varies from our own. And we champion the aspirations within those faces we see. At least that is how it is supposed to be."

To the Childless Mothers
(encouragement for the moms with no babies to hold...including me)

What She Did Not Know (A Letter to my Mom)
"When she said yes to ministry, to my dad, to missions, and to motherhood, she did not know the road she would travel. When she embarked on her adventure as a newlywed missionary to the island of Hispaniola, she never imagined the trials she would need to overcome. When she carried her firstborn child in her womb, accepting the mantle of motherhood at the ripe age of 22, she had no idea the heartache that awaited her, not years but months later."

June

The Voice in my Head
"And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting."

July

I Am

"I am whimsy and prose.  I wonder why people don't SEE into each other more.  

I hear animals talk.  I see fairies in my forest. 

I want babies to call my own.  I am whimsy and prose."

Coming Home
"Coming home to them is like coming back to family. But a "different" kind of family. This family does not all speak the same language, live in the same house, or even look alike. This family hails from places like Jellico, TN or Jacmel, Ayiti and more town and cities whose soil has never met my feet. This family loves me, not because we share blood or ancestry; their love comes from living this common, simple life together. It blooms from growing up together."

August

Join
"I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls. 
Can I just be me? Will that be safe? 
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?"

Releasing to the Fall
"It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future."

September

In the Tension of the Waiting
"Inside I feel small. Insignificant. Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers.... 
 Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly. Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style."

I Wish It Was Different
"I wish it was different. I wish I could be the one they need me to be. I wish I was not so altered by life and circumstances and living away. I wish I knew how to bridge the ever-widening gap. I wish I felt connected to them. I wish they had let their guards down years ago to let me know them. I wish I could set it all aside and just love them like Jesus."

The Journey of Finding Courage
"I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome."

October

31 Days of Story
I wrote for 31 days on my childhood, adolescent, and college years. I am not even sure how to pick one to highlight BUT Day 11 was my first vlog ever and a favorite story of mine to tell filled with an airport shooting and all so if you missed it the first time...THAT would be a fun one to check out!

November

Learning to Quiet
"So I am here. Waiting. Living. Loving. And hopefully... Quieting..."

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of It All
"Cry. Cry hard and deep and long and good. Run. Run fast and strong. Beat your chest. Raise your fist to the sky. Shout up at the heavens and scream, "Why?" Fall into a puddle. and cry some more. 
 Sit with your grie.f Your questions. Your anger. Your heartbreak. Feel them deep. Deep into your soul. In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep."

When Tears Come
"Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin. Sometimes the movement in your soul violates the peace, the joy, the radiance He longs to display within all those broken pieces."

December

Open-Handed Love
"You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly. She lets them love me and have a relationship with me And not just me But others too Whom they both love JUST as freely."

When One Shines Brighter
"I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time."

Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All
"So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ... for the mother who mourns for her child, for the soldier far from home, for the loved one dead and gone, for the relationships broken and beyond repair, for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten, this Christmas."

Thank you so much for letting me share my ongoing story with you in this space. Your presence and comments and interactions are a constant gift to me!

20 Questions for 2012

20 Questions for End of the Year Reflections

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

We bought a house and then I fell in love with it,  for this nomadic missionary kid that is quite a feat!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

For the first time in three years, I actually had to think about this question because no obvious answer came to me right away. Such a beautiful miracle!  I suppose the most challenging thing has been the journey of becoming certified to be foster parents. The paperwork and inspections and interviews are the EASY part. The part that I did not expect was the emotional and mental roller coaster that I would feel preparing to step into this. I am still scared silly!!

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I had almost 6 months of the year where I had more "good" days than "bad" days with my health. I do not talk a lot about the chronic pain issues that I have here on the blog, but they do overshadow a lot of how I live my life, unfortunately, not by choice, so the fact that this has been the "best" year health wise in 3 years is just amazing!

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

1) The EXTRA 3 months that it took to close on our short sale.

2) As mentioned above, the overwhelming emotions in processing what it would mean to be foster parents, to have the first children we would be "raising" for a time not be our "own."

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.

His Relentless Pursuit 

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2012

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Healthier. Happier. More-like-yourself-again.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2012 (again, without asking).

Chilled. Transforming. Revealing.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Grace for the Good Girl is on my list again this year as I continued reading into 2012. I did quite a few fictional reviews this year, but my favorite of them all was Breath of Angel by Karen Henley.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Arno, my life-long friends {college & local}, my parents, my sister,

Blogging friends who are IRL friends, Libby and all my (in) This Season ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Finding the desire and passion and drive to dream again

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I learned that I wait TOO long before I ask for help because it is so hard for me to ask so I am SLOWLY learning NOT to do this, even with those closest to me

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

The more I learn about how and who God wired me to be, the closer I feel to Him and His heart. The more I live the life HE created me for, the more I feel alive in my purpose on this earth.

That is the lesson that has come alive for me this year.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

As mentioned above, I have seen significant improvement in my chronic pain issues this year. While I am not back to my "old" self yet, I am SO VERY thankful for the healing the Lord has/continues to do in my body!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

As I am more fully embracing who I am, I am embracing that uniqueness in others around me. The past few years, GRACE has been like an anthem to me. I feel that the Lord is constantly teaching me not only to have grace for myself and my own story but for others and their journeys too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

The flexibility and the variety of working various types of jobs

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best, especially with the health limitations

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Probably TV/Internet

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Taking photography classes with my sister. Connecting with ladies at (in) This Season. Taking time to write more and more strategically. Connecting with others who have like-minded hearts and passions.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

What I have learned the most goes along with my OneWord for 2012 :: Relentless. The Father has shown me that He is relentlessly pursuing my heart. He is relentless in seeing the dreams He has placed inside of me come true. He is relentless to heal me and to renew what the devil tried to steal. He is relentless so I do not always have to be. He IS on my behalf.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

Weeping may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q & A.
Check out my 2011 Reflection Q & A.

When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

When God Changes Your Story

I get hung up a lot in what I used to do, what I used to represent, how I used to live, where I used to be heading, and in general, the person that I used to be. I must often be reminded of the fact that we live in seasons of life, sometimes in the shadows even.

I found this picture on Pinterest with these directions attached in the note:

1) Paint the canvas all crazy like

2) Use painter's tape to create a herringbone pattern with some missing

3) Paint over the canvas in white

4) Remove tape and voila!

For a non-crafty girl like me, this seems doable, and actually, kinda beautiful. The color and the white contrasted together in this herringbone pattern produce eye-pleasing results.

And somehow this reminds me of my life....

God painted beautiful colors.

A great childhood with amazing parents. A dreamer's heart to do the impossible. A sound mind to achieve no matter what. A strong body to work hard towards every dream. A relentless will to always see a way when others saw brick walls. A solid education to open doors both home and abroad.

A dancer. A missionary. A singer. A friend. A reader. A fighter. A lover-of-the-Truth.

The colors of my world bled rich and true and vast and deep, sketching insight and exquisiteness onto my soul.

But as is so often true, we never understand or truly appreciate rare and raw wonder until it is tainted or changed.

So, as the Master Artist began layering slabs of adhesive onto my canvas, seemingly marring the arresting artwork He had created, I lamented the loss of all that "I was." Being the ever-blind and often-ungrateful clay, I raged and tugged against His touches. Yet He persisted still, with a vision in mind that I could not yet see.

Until...finally, at the moment when I could take no more of these repulsive intrusions, He ceased. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

He's done.

He's really done.

And then....

No.

Oh please, Master.

It cannot be.

No more...please do not take everything from me.

I look up, and I see His eyes. The eyes that with gracious intensity, burn through me like fire, patient still even through my flailings.

Unhurriedly now, yet with purposeful intent, the strokes of His brush proceed to wipe away every sign of the loveliness and charm He had provoked from the canvas after years of work, leaving behind a white empty space, void of character and desirability.

And in that space, I render myself useless, unworthy, unloveable, unwanted.

But not to the Master, it seems.

For when I open my eyes, glazed with tears from the loss of my yesterday's glory, I see His gaze still steady and strong searing my soul, my pride, my claim on myself with His unrelenting grace.

Slowly, and yes, even painfully, He begins the process of stripping off the layers He has strategically placed there to uncover a loveliness that would not have been possible without the artistic ravaging.

A beauty I am still uncovering.

A grace I continue to discover.

Daily I am learning still to yield to this journey, to lay myself at the altar of His purpose, knowing that He loves me more than His own life. He proved it after all. Nonetheless, I am so often stubborn, filled with pride, longing to prove myself to Him, to the world.

And still, He stares deeply into the wells of my humanity, causing me to gasp at the weakness there and still more, to sit in awe of the regard He continues to pour over me.

My friend Cara said it like this....

"When you were knit together inside your mother, God made a pronouncement upon you. He made you something. He did not pronounce you an alcoholic or a liar or a screw-up. He did not pronounce you a cheerleader or a missionary or a pastor's wife or a mother. He knew those things might be part of your story, but He made you with a depth that goes beyond your doings and your labels."

{read the rest here}

Source via Pinterest

In The Shadows

I have a fascination with shadow and light.

I try to capture the essence of what each moment means to me,

the beauty that I see there.

Sometimes I get it right, and other times, the picture cannot hold a candle to the reality of the now that I feel.

I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows.

At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life.

The war waged on, and I fought and fought to stand in the light, to hold my ground, to hang on so that I could fight again tomorrow.

And then one day, it was too much, and in spite of the warrior heart beating loud and true in my soul, I retreated into the corner of the shadows, sobbing and gasping for reprieve from these insurmountable foes.

The shadows are a scary place. Lonely, abandoned, heartbreaking....most people do not enter into your shadows with you. Sometimes they just cannot and other times like a scared, trapped, little animal we hiss and scratch at them until they just simply go away.

For me, shadow or light, it did not seem to matter, I still felt alone -- alone in my fight or alone in my misery.

And now, the shadows are still there, looming around me. Every day is a fight, sometimes hour by hour, just to push my face into the light and to SEE His goodness, to glimpse His grace.

And then there are days when I just fall down with exhaustion and anger. "Why does living in peace and joy and grace seem to be so daggone hard?"

So I pull into the shadows, for just a little while, but I have learned, am still learning....

The light calls to you, even while you are in the darkest of shadows.

The Scripture says it this way....

Deep calls unto deep...

Psalm 42:7

As a young girl, my artistic soul was always moved by these words, but only now through a bit of heartache and pain, do I truly understand the psalmist's heartcry to the Father. My whole being resonates with these words because I know that the deep is the one in a dark place crying out to the deepest part of the Father's heart.

Like mine does.

In the shadows.

I do not know what shadow is overpowering your life today. Maybe you are feeling the loss of something once held or never known. Maybe you feel you have never experienced your life truly in the light of day. May I encourage you to find your hope in Him? Not because it is a cliche or because it is easy. Not because I have it all figured out or know all the answers, but because the light is calling out to you. If you really listen, you will even hear it calling you BY NAME. I promise.

Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:5-6

Read the entire Psalm here.

I promise the encouragement and REAL understanding

from the psalmist there will blow you away!

And just one more thing....please know ::

You are not alone.

Wherever you find yourself.

In the fight or in the shadows.

I would love to hear your heart on this in the comments or in an email {lindseyfoj (at) gmail (dot) com}.

Linking up with Imperfect Prose on Thursdays with Emily at CanvasChild.com.

To Be Fearless

Tippy-toeing on broken glass
Holding new life in my hands
Walking through the creepy forest

of fairy tale lore

Grasping
Wailing
Bleeding
From fear that holds me hostage

Like a rattlesnake poised to strike
Like the family home set ablaze
Like falling in love
For the very first time

Catching air with my fingers
Embracing tightly to a reality
That yields its soul to a memory
now faded

I rise
But only in this outer shell
Inside I am bowed low
Fighting the frailty of my humanity

Yearning to prove to the world
Yet mostly to myself
that I am still
Boundless
Blameless
Relentless
Fearless

I fail
Again
Spinning on the wheel of try-hards and do-betters
I falter
I fall
I come short of the glory

In the hollow echoes of

my empty cries
my lonely nights
Praying
Hoping
Longing for redemption
Grace
Wholeness
Healing

There I am conformed
Transformed
Reformed
into Imago Dei
The Great I AM
knowing that this mercy
for THIS morning
Has arrived

And tomorrow

is another day
to shed this skin
all
over
again.

Linking with...

...with a post using the phrase "catching air with my fingers."

and

On the word "fearless"

Relentless Love :: The Wrap Up

Our Relentless Love journey has come to a close, at least here on the blog.

However the life lessons that I have learned will stay with me for awhile. I think that is how I have seen His relentless love the most across all of these stories....through the people themselves....through the way that they bravely shared of themselves by giving their words as a gift - to me and to you - in this space.

Through Kamille's story of finding complete abandonment with Jesus as a little girl as well as how she did not mind going first in this series with short notice I discover such childlike acceptance, kindness and grace. In Katy's heart I find a woman whose deep feeling produces a giving heart so big that even she does not even know the capacity she possesses as she shares about the God who sees. With Christina's words, I see a woman who knows her weaknesses well, but acknowledges a Savior who loves her in spite of them, because of them and openly shares her story with the world.

As Cara weaves her morsels sharing of His indelible love, ink turning into blood, transforming us, I see a woman whose very nature exudes a passion for, a desire to know Jesus better. Sarah recounts the psalms with the heart of a poet, and I am enraptured into this Jesus that she sees and knows so personally, so intimately, and I am drawn into the love affair of a God who never quits. Paige comes clean about the time where her desire to be right and the busyness of life caused her communication to be a sounding gong to the ears of her listener, and through the sharing, she teaches me that telling our stories, even the mistakes, even when it is hard, can bring a world of healing to those around us.

In Jen, I learn bravery, to step away from the only life she has known to a life where she had to step into her dreams, to trust that the Father's love was bigger than even the limits she has placed upon herself, and she inspires me to have faith in the God of innumerable possibilities who persistently pursues our hearts. As Jennifer shares the words of the Father to her, to us, to me, I am enraptured by His breathtaking love, His invitation to trust Him, and I want to BE that little girl again just holding Daddy's hand, climbing into His lap, twirling & dancing & laughing with my Father.

Annie's courage to tackle love in the face of grief showed me his healing power not only in her life, the life of readers across the globe, but also in my heart. To be a part of therapeutic breakthrough and encouraging another to share their REAL, RAW stories just shows me the connection of His relentless love in and through each of us. Anna's raw grit always challenges and spurs me forward. Her words about battle scars and crooked toenails share life in the cracks, through the hard, in the yes, buts. Her encouraging words to me through this writing project remind me of how we can impact another's life without even knowing about it. And, Holley's heart always blows me away and hearing her own journey of struggle and chasing after something to find love and acceptance shows me the wrestling of my own soul and where it can truly find rest.

It has been my pleasure to host each and every one of these ladies this month. I hope you have learned from them, their lives, their choices, their setbacks, their love for Jesus and more. If you have, would you let me know? And what spoke to you? I would love to know. It encourages me to know that you have been encouraged!

May your life be a continual pursuit of a deeper understanding of His Relentless Love .... for you!

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The Chase {Guest Post :: Holley}

It's the end of February and the Relentless Love series is winding down, and I am happy to share the final guest post writer with you -- my friend, Holley Gerth. I have said it before and I will say it again, Holley, besides my mom of course, is one of those people that I would like to be when I grow up. She is a published author, counselor, life coach, Dayspring card writer, co-founder of {in}courage, Squee! business entrepreneur, dream weaver {and builder}, lover of people far and wide and so much more. Oh and by the way...she's MY age!! I have looked up to her since the first words I read of hers on her website months ago. When we met at Relevant, imagine my delight when she carved out time for us to sit together and connect for a few hours. What a treasure! Holley makes her home in Arkansas with her sweetheart, Mark. Her blog home is Heart to Heart with Holley {I mean doesn't THAT name in and of itself just tell you WHO she is and why I think she is so fabulous?!?!?}

The Chase

I’m born into a home that believes.

I start a relationship with Jesus early.
I’m the good girl in high school.

But somewhere along the line,
I confuse relationship with rules.
I weary of the legalism and when college comes, I rebel.
I’m the prodigal daughter who talks at parties about missing God,
who mistakes affection for love, who tries to fill the hole inside her
with anything but the only thing that can.

I imagine God running from me.
But instead, in that impossible way of His, he pursues me.
He sends people into my life that teach me about grace.
He forgives again and again and…again.
He whispers to me in the middle of the night
and tugs on my heart in the middle of the day.

He is relentless.

But I will not relent.

Until my choices break my heart wide open
and all the hurt pours out.
“Now, I’ve done it," I tell myself.

But God isn’t done with me yet.
It seems He takes all that hurt
and washes my feet with my own tears.

How?
How can God love like this?

I keep trying to earn my way back.
I want to show that I will be a good girl for good now.

But God will have none of it.
Instead he simply wants all of me—just as I am.

And, finally, I begin to believe it.
I slow and let that love-that-never-stops-pursuing catch me.

When I do, I’m surprised at what comes with it too.

JOY

What I thought I had to chase out there in the world
turned out to be what was chasing me all along.

I’m so glad God never gave up.

(And that he never will.)

**photo credit**

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 11th and final in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us across miles, across personalities, across hearts that are His. To read more of the posts, click here and here.

Battle Scars & Crooked Toenails {Guest Post :: Anna}

I met Anna my freshman year in college at Oral Roberts University. Anna was bffs with my floor chaplain, Alison, and getting to know someone in the light of a beautiful relationship, you always get to really see their heart. God placed her in a strategic position to be able to speak on my behalf to be a part of the chaplain leadership program for 3 years thereafter that truly changed my life in so many ways. Anna and her husband, John, walked through the infertility journey for 3 years before finally conceiving and giving birth to little Ayla, who just turned 1 last month! They make their home together in this nation's capital with Anna's bloggy home being Anna's Joy. Her fresh and funny way of looking at life, even in the hard, will remind you that it is possible to have hope, JOY, and even a sense of humor no matter the circumstances.

Battle Scars & Crooked Toenails

I have a few really messed up toenails. I brutalized them in years (too far) past by running a couple of marathons, causing them to die and grow back in lumpy and crooked. Even though they look somewhat normal when painted and pedicured, I know what they really look like and that they will probably always be this way.

That’s what my heart is sort of like, too.

You’d never know it by my usually hilariously awesome personality, but I had a broken heart at least one day a month for almost three years.

Anyone who has run the infertility marathon will know exactly what I’m talking about. The heartbreak on days of yet another negative pregnancy test, or not even needing to take one, is truly relentless (severe, harsh).

Like many newlyweds, my husband and I laughed and blushingly smiled at people’s insinuations of lots of children and carelessly answered when people asked what our plans for children were.

We were naive kids, jumping into what we thought would be an easy float trip down a scenic river. It turned out to be a test of everything inside of us as we fought our way down a rushing torrent tumbling by treacherous rocks.

On those days, I was not feeling the relentless love of God.

On those days, He was this giant stone face; present, but silent.

On the “not yet” days, I often begged God to tell me, “No.” The endless wait, the hollow ifs, the just-freaking-don’t-know-whys, were so hard on my heart. If He would just put me out of my misery and tell me that we weren’t going to get pregnant, I could get on with my life and start looking for other ways to start a family.

God would not, in fact, tell me, “No.” He actually (finally) said, “Yes.”

No, it was more of a, “Yes, but.”

Yes, we got a baby. But, she was born a few weeks before my husband was scheduled to be transferred overseas for a year without us.

At the risk of losing some of the dramatic moment here, I must ask you to not feel too sorry for us. We are very close to the end of the year!

I am still not out of that darned river, though it’s different now.

Over the years of infertility, even through the days of the silent God, He was lovingly, patiently teaching me how to swim. He showed me when to float, when to kick, how to navigate around dangerous obstacles, how to hold my breath longer, what to do with my arms and so on (I don’t know how to actually swim that well, so that’s all I’ve got for swimming terminology).

While giving me swim lessons, God was also building us a community. We had hundreds of people praying for us to have a baby. We took a risk by letting so many people in on our painful journey, at times we even wished we hadn’t been so open. It was necessary for us, though, to have this army around us. They were how God showed His love for us, a constant, present force, holding our arms up, pointing our eyes up to the hills, then rejoicing with us as our prayers and theirs were answered.

Now, these people are still lifting us up in prayer, seeking out ways to help us and making what could be a terribly hard time of separation a season of reaping with thanksgiving.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still really hard. My daughter isn’t the only one who cries in this house!

But these lumpy toenails of mine, I mean, my strengthened, battle-scarred heart can keep walking on abundance-filled paths (Psalms 65:11), where others wondered how the timing of this separation and baby could have possibly been from the heart of a loving Father, I cannot doubt it.

His relentless love led me, protected me and taught me in the days of waiting for a baby. I learned to trust Him wholeheartedly, to rejoice in the provision of Today and to hold on to the hands of others on the journey. Then was just one long training session for now.

I’m pretty sure even this now is preparation for what’s next, but we’ll take those steps when we get there, crooked toenails and all.

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 10th in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us across miles, across personalities, across hearts that are His. To read more of the posts, click here and here.