31 Days of Story {Day 27} The Comparison Trap

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

 And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order. I blurted out quickly, before I lost my nerve...

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." 

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU!!"

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Revisited from the archives of March 14, 2012....
Here are my friend Candee's thoughts after reading my original post...

"Literally crying at my keyboard 

remembering that conversation. 

To think it has been fifteen years...wow! 

Thanks for the reminder to be 

who God created me to be no matter what. 

Love you friend!"

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The End from the Beginning

This new world loomed large in my mind's eye, like a mystery yet to be unraveled.

Daunting and impossible, my heart buried the desire to spread its wings and fly

To the place where dreamers dance and artists paint with words of sorrow & joy

So in the secret of my heart, fantasy lies down to give space for practicality

Until the thinly veiled wall cracks under the weight of The Master's hidden potential

And, like Alice in the Looking Glass, I step through the magical mirror into a dream,

transformed by the wonder of the promise, the Relevant moment that is now,

amazed, thankful by this gift from my Father, who knows the end from the beginning......

Linking with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop challenge to post in 8 lines

and Bonnie's Faith Barista on a gift that I recently received from God.

More about the Relevant 2011 blogging conference ::

I am going to Relevant

The Importance of Being Relevant

I am a Writer

#JustWrite

After writing for 31 days straight, coming off of an incredible conference in Pennsylvania at Relevant, and reading through post upon post of new friends and others's experiences, not to mention all of the cool giveaways linked up at The Nester's blog, I planned NOT to write today, but something inside of me felt incomplete, unfulfilled, lacking in some way.

And since I have devoured my Twitter feed in a whole new way since returned from Relevant '11, I kept seeing #JustWrite come up, so I after a few of those subtle reminders, I thought, "Lindsey, JUST WRITE!"

You see, I have so much that I have learned, so much that God had been teaching me, such buried treasure He has spent time digging up inside of my very soul. I am not sure what to do with it all quite yet, not sure how to put the lessons into words, the journey into purpose, the destiny into magic.

So I #JustWrite because I must. I am a writer. Words are the tools with which I craft my art. This mechanical contraption with fruitful heritage becomes the instrument where I can breath life into my ordinary moments.

I pause. I ponder. I wonder. How to do this without editing, without fixing, without fuss.
I discovered this weekend that I am not naturally gifted in the freedom of allowing words to flow freely like a river from my soul, crashing, caressing, weaving their refreshment onto the souls of those with whom their paths may cross.

So I #JustWrite.

I simply let my heart go, let my mind loose, let my meditations find wings.

Or at least I try.

Because I am not just a blogger.
A girl with a computer, writing her stories, her travels, her heartbeat, her song
A women who find beauty in brokenness.
I am an artist.
His creative palate which which He paints a beautiful portrait of His purpose and His life.
I am free to be.

To be.
To be ALL that He has called and meant for me to be,
Since before the foundation of time where He took my place
that I might live

this life fill with freedom

and purpose

and destiny

and wholeness.

So, I......

#JustWrite.

These Are My New Words

"I'm not creative."

"I'm not an artist."

These are words I would say to myself and even to others for years.

However, in the past 12 months, the Lord has been radically challenging these internal words and statements that I have bought into.

As a little girl, I LOVED art and creating things. I wasn't really good at it, but I had a lot of fun doing it - from art class in school, to paint-by-number paintings, to various latch hook projects, to friendship bracelets, and so on & so on.

But like I said, since I wasn't great at it, and I TRULY cannot draw a straight line without a ruler, I started telling myself those lies, "I can't draw. I am not really creative. I am not artistic."

In the past year, I realized that I had done myself a disservice by allowing my own view of myself to define WHO I was and HOW I live.

I started taking stock of my life. In high school, I sang in choirs & performed solos and acted in skits and human videos. In college, I tried out for groups, clubs, activities, etc, and even got accepted and cast in a few things. After graduation, I focused on dance training as well as music and continued to work towards my love of the arts. And most recently, my love of words through the written word here in the blogosphere developed a voice.

And then I realized one day, "Who am I to limit the Father and the way in which He wires me to glorify Him?"

Maybe I don't draw or paint or sculpt, but I can create.....mostly because I have been created by the Master Creator.

And so I have new words.

"I AM creative."

"I AM artistic."

And by the way....

SO. ARE. YOU.

This post was inspired by Sarah Mae at (in)courage.

*photo credit 1

*photo credit 2