An open letter to Little Man's Birth Mom

Dear Birth Mother,

Today I hold the baby in my arms that you held in your womb for nearly nine months. He coos and laughs and in just 3 short weeks, I know his cries and gurgles and sounds. And even more, he knows my voice. I am in love in a way I never expected to be with a baby that I did not carry under my own heart. Amazed. Enraptured. Astounded.

And yet...today on this Mother's Day...the first one where physical caring and loving gives me the right to stand among the throngs of scarred warriors...princesses....mothers....

I think of you.

You who carried this child under your breast.
You who felt life come into the world the day he was born.
You who stood, slept, and sat in uncomfortable hospital rooms for weeks awaiting the time you could take him home.
You who had to let him go as he was placed into my arms...for now...or maybe.... forever.

I do not know how to comprehend this agony of surrendering this gift of life to another...yet again.
I cannot understand the weight of knowing another woman loves him as you do.
I am baffled by the sheer magnitude of heart ache, life has brought you through circumstances as well as personal choices.

And I do not judge you.
Well, mostly not.
Really. Truly.
My heart goes out to you most days.

My real struggle is when I realize, I wish he were mine, clear and free, here and now, forever and always.

And then I remember you.

You who are fighting to clear a path for his return. I am conflicted in wanting to rejoice for your successes and the sheer dread that overwhelms me in knowing that your success may well be my greatest agony to date.

I want to believe the best and still there are moments that I catch myself wishing for the worst. In those moments, I am shamed at my own humanity. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? But clay in the Potter's hands.

So with long-term desires that rival the breadth and width of the Grand Canyon and dogged determination to focus on the plans and purposes that Jesus has for Little Man {wherever that may me}, I first want to thank you for saying YES to life! Yes to giving Little Man a chance to live, to survive, to thrive, and to walk in the destiny for which he was formed and fashioned.

And secondly....
Today, I share this Mother's Day with you.
And for the gift that you have given me,
I wanted to say thank you...
...from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever the path may lead us from here...
today, let's rejoice in life....Little Man's life and all the promise that it holds.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sincerely,
Little Man's Foster Mommy

Dear God-Sized Dreamer

Dear God-Sized Dreamer,

seasonswithsoul

Psst...that's you!
Yes...you...right there...reading this RIGHT now!

YOU have a God-sized dream or dreams inside of you just bursting to get out!

Oh yes you do! I promise.
Seriously.
I know.
I truly do.

How you ask?
Because I know how He made you...how He made me.
I know that He wired us with something so amazing inside of us that if we do not do it, we think we might burst. You know what I am talking about now...don't you?

I know.
I can hear you now.
I can't do that! or That's impossible for me!

I have felt that way too.
{Secret -- I still do some days...many days!}

But that is JUST the thing....
YOU cannot do it
And
It IS impossible for you.

That is why it is God-sized.
Made with beauty and purpose
and bigger than our human hands and hearts can wrap around.

Your God-sized dream whispers to you in the dark....You were made for this.
In the secrets of the wind and waves, it beckons....Don't give up...
As the seasons change and winter falls into spring you hear....He makes all things new...including you!

So sister, dream bigger and wider and larger than you think is possible.
Brother, go deeper and when you think you have hit rock bottom, plumb deeper still.
Friends, hold fast to the world-changing dream He is birthing in your heart because no matter how large or small or important or insignificant it may seem to you, it is God-sized...making it just right, Goldilocks style.

You were born for this...this season...this moment...this time....this generation.
Please do not give up or give in!
We need you.
Truly.
We really do!

Your voice is breath-taking.
Let nothing make it small.
Let nothing hold you back.
Let your God-sized dream soar.

Teri Lynne Underwood

"You cannot find security in what God is doing 

because He commits you to the impossible; 

He asks you to see the invisible; 

He calls you to do the outrageous. 

There is no security in that place. 

There is no security in what God is doing. 

There is only security in who God is."

~Graham Cooke

Snippets of the Crazy-Slow

I think I have written a thousand, a hundred, okay....maybe a dozen....yes at least a dozen blog posts in my mind over the past six weeks.

Sometimes they were just snippets of a thought.
Other times they had some meaty length to it.
All of them were amazing...she says so humbly...or at least in "my" mind's eye.
But alas, none of them made it to paper...or even screen....so maybe they were just to feed my soul in the interim of waiting to pour out my heart here....to you.

Life has been busy and slow.
But I have said that here already.
I just wish that I could expound more on what that feels like, what that IS in my heart and soul.
Maybe I will soon...or maybe not...
For now, I think I will just share what that conglomeration of this fast slow motion looks like.

1) My Granny fell and broke her neck six weeks ago yesterday. Her neck has been healing beautifully and the brace is now off. She is, as you can imagine, having a lot of pain there as her body learns to hold that weight on its own again. She had a trache for awhile which miraculously came out on its own about 2 weeks ago and the hole, or stoma, as the medical professionals call it is completely healed up. She has been from hospital to rehab to hospital and now back to rehab again. Each change has been filled with its own ups and downs and scares and joys along the way. Granny suffers from dementia so currently our family {mom, sister, aunts and cousins} rotate being with her around the clock. As she is back in rehab, we know that we are on the home stretch...at least that is how we pray since she has been IN rehab and BACK to hospital once already. If you are the praying kind, would you please pray for her recovery, the infections her body is fighting, and for our family for strength to continue with grace in this long journey?? Thank you.

2) I got a new part time job of which I am currently in Week 3. I have translated for Haitian students and families via our local Board of Education off and on for the past 10 years or so. Last year, all the translators had to re-interview and come "on staff" officially. In the interview process, I was asked if I was interested in tutoring to which I promptly said, "Yes!" So I am not officially a tutor IN an ESOL {English as a Second Language} class room for 90 minutes a day. Two thirds of the class are Haitian kids. I am working at a middle school so the kids are lovely and moody and frustratingly beautiful. I feel like this job is a gift to me and seriously, there are some that I am ready to bring home with me. {And I really don't say stuff like that....their stories/hearts are just wrecking me...}

3) We are OFFICIALLY foster parents!! Yay! and WHOA! This process has been long and arduous and I am not even talking about the paper work. I do not think going in that I was preparing for the emotional and mental onslaught that would ravage my being.

Will the first child living in my home really NOT be my own biological baby? 

Am I really ready for this? 

Can my physical body handle what investing into these lives will mean? 

Can my heart? 

These, along with a hundred practical questions racked my brain to no end. I wanted to quit MORE times than I wanted to move forward and something, Someone bigger than me kept propelling us forward one painful step at a time. I have been forced to face my own fears and judgements and life choices, and I am sure this is NOT the end...which scares me honestly, but did I mention my heart is now wrecked beyond repair? In the good ways...the ways that you know that this is right and good and part of the crazy-grand-scheme-of-things.

4) And finally....this one is hard and exciting to say all at the same time. The Lord is healing me. Really and truly. Heart and soul, of course, but specifically in body. About four years ago, I began having unexplained pains that over the course of the following year and half increased in frequency and intensity. With a possible diagnosis of fibromyalgia but unable to take the prescribed course of medicine given to those who suffer with this unseen illness, we made some radical life changes and left South Africa and moved back to the United States. While my physical issues were not the primary reason for us making that life change, they were the catalyst that propelled us forward. For the past two and a half years since then, I have fought a daily battle of balance in my life, trying to find the right amount of work-to-rest ratio. To say it has been hard would be an understatement, and just when I was ready to accept that maybe this is just the journey of learning that God wanted me to go through to learned more about His grace, the Lord sent someone to remind me of His promises to me {more on that story later} and He is really healing me. It is a slow heal, like synapses and muscles coming together in harmony again, but I am getting stronger every day. There are still good days and bad days and I continue to work to believe that He IS still JUST as faithful on the bad days...but I needed to say it nonetheless....thank you, Jesus, for this healing.
{P.S. THIS was actually on my God-sized dream list!!}

There is more...of life and potential changes on the horizon and buzzing around in my heart of things still to come....but I feel like this is all I can share for now.

I am excited to be living His plan in this season, in spite of the HARD parts too...
He is going deep and wide in the caverns of my heart and soul,
 and I feel SUCH an assurance that I will never be the same.

God-Sized Dreams in 2013

When it popped up in my e-mail, "Guess who my featured Five Minute Friday post is this week?" I literally could not believe it.

I know. That sounds like false humility and all, but seriously, I really feel like I am faking this whole blogging/writing thing at least 75-80% of the time. At Allume last year, I would not even read my Five Minute Friday out loud, because I still feel like the girl in the room who speaks a second language, dresses a little weird, and has no idea how to navigate first-world social norms. My sister fakes-it-til-you-make-it  better than I do.

But I love to write. I have a poet's heart and a prosey brain and over the years, I have embraced the view I have on life that is uniquely my own. I see God's handprint, and I celebrate the fact that I am loved by One such as Him.

So I was thrilled, and even did a little happy dance on the inside. Wow! I cannot believe I was chosen.

When I looked later, I found out a little more about the matter. Lisa-Jo had tweeted to the #FiveMinuteFriday gang to give her some feedback on their favorite post of the week, and Tonya, whom I have never talked to or met, even online, shared my link, with no link backs to me so I did not even know it, until after the fact.

No fanfare. No big deal. Just a little tweet.

And I felt simultaneously humbled and ecstatic! {I am an extrovert after all!}

Somehow this whole thing that I dedicate a lot of my time and heart to....is making a difference.
One person.
One tweet at a time.

The next day, I get this Facebook message from a college friend, Anna....

"I thought of you today while listening to a radio program called women of grace. The way the host was so encouraging and passionate reminded me of you. Have you considered going into Christian radio? : )"

My speaker's heart wanted to burst. I had JUST been reading about podcasting WHILE she was typing this message. I have missed teaching and preaching and speaking during our extended sabbatical, and I would love to make space in my world of blogging for some spoken word.

Bottom line.

I love words.
Written.
Spoken.
Public.
Private.
Global.
One-on-one.

I love people.
I love hearing their stories.
I love walking with them through broken places.
I love helping them find their own uniqueness.
I love celebrating that individuality that is all their own.
I love seeing their dreams come true.
I love discipling.
I love making people feel THEY are chosen.
{because, well, it's true!!}

My ex-boyfriend used to say, "Lindsey, you have a heart for everything and every body." I would laugh and think, "What is wrong with that?" The Lord took me on a journey into pastoral ministry where I methodically worked directly with all ages from 2-82 and everything in between, adding more ages groups in as the years passed, and at this point in my life, there is no age that I do not care for, see their unique needs, and long to help in that way.

I have not talked much about this yet because I SO wanted to be clear, concise, and orderly, but the chaos that is my brain will not give me that luxury so I shall share nonetheless.

For 2013, I am purposefully embracing my God-sized dreams. I am joining 99 other ladies as we jump off the cliff called SAFE into the unknown. Holley Gerth is our guide through this journey along with the Holy Spirit of course, and I am delighted to be taking this challenge.

Did I say delighted?
I meant to say DELIGHTFULLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! ;-)

So since I am having a hard time "narrowing down" ONE God-sized dream to focus on, I thought I would just share them all. I, know...crazy, right? To put myself out there like that. Remember I told you....I have always been a LITTLE different from the status quo.

Okay here are my dreams {at least what I can think of at the moment} in no particular order::

* Become a licensed counselor
* Become a bonafide author
* Become a college professor
* Work again in full time ministry
  {even if that looks different that it has in the past}
* Be completely free from chronic pain
* Become a mother
* Get paid for my art 
  {writing, speaking, photography}
* Become a graphic designer {maybe}
* Be in control of my own schedule 
  without financial worry
* Be the kind of wife who enthusiastically 
  supports my husband's dreams
* Live life to the fullest 
  and continue to dream even more!

Okay, that is good for now I suppose....I want to expound and quantify and add to but I think that will come in other posts. I have a whole year after all, eh?

But you know what would be REALLY COOL and SO VERY EXCITING FOR ME??!!??

Would you join me in this God-sized dream journey?

Pinterest via The Artsy Girl Studio

My friend, Holly, will be blogging about it lots and she wrote the coolest e-book, The "Do What You Can" Plan, so you can follow and read along with her as well as with me here. If this just speaks to your heart, gives you that little leap inside, will you let me know below?

If you are like me, and are just not sure what your God-sized dreams are or how to focus on them, tell me that too! We will figure it out together somehow, stumbling through the dark. We have an amazing Guide, keeping us safe as we navigate this new territory.

Also.....and this is sort of awkward to ask....but if you know me, either online or in real life, would you weigh in some of the dreams that I shared with you? Because my dreams are all about people, knowing which ones influence people the most, might help me to figure out the God-sized dream for THIS season, ya know? I would definitely appreciate it...especially those of you {lurkers} who read but do not comment...would you DE-LURK, just for this one?  Thank you!!

Happy dreaming...

"If you keep on believing, the God-sized dream that you wish really will come true."
{modified from Cinderella}

Five Minute Friday{And Then Some} :: Opportunity

It's back! 
After a month long hiatus for the December holidays, Five Minute Friday has returned. Last night was a lovely party {#FMFparty} on Twitter with some of my favorite ladies on the web. It was a real treat to my extroverted, words-of-affirmation heart. You should TOTALLY join us one week...for the party and the word scramble.

It's hard and beautiful and lovely and scary.
And I hate to ever miss one week!

So without further ado......



I've been dreaming a lot lately.
This has been pretty amazing.
For awhile I thought I had lost the dreamer,
the artist,
the soulful girl,
the Anne-girl of my childhood.

But God is faithful and good and gracious
to renew and restore and fill us up again.

So I have been dreaming.
Of the future.
Of the year to come.
Of the days ahead.
Of the now.

I am full up with possibility, opportunity, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know if I will become an author, a counselor, a professor, or a graphic designer.
I am not sure if I will move to Alaska or Colorado or Timbuktu or even stay here in small town Maryland.
I have no idea if we will have six children or one, if they will be foster or adopted or biological or all of the above.

I am not sure.
I am not sure about a lot of things.
This used to scare me.
Some days it still does.
A lot.

But lately, the pot has been stirred and I am bubbling to the brim with the open doors that I can just make out on the horizon.

It is a mystery,
where they will lead,
what mountains and valleys that I will travail,
which beautiful hardships and gifts will cross my path.

But somehow...in the mystery...for the first time, in a long time....I trepidatiously, with outstretched arms, step forward into the Light, knowing that His fingers are at holding my palms leading me on.

P.S. Had a "little" more than 5 minutes today...was just on a roll and HAD to finish!! ;-)

20 Questions for 2012

20 Questions for End of the Year Reflections

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

We bought a house and then I fell in love with it,  for this nomadic missionary kid that is quite a feat!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

For the first time in three years, I actually had to think about this question because no obvious answer came to me right away. Such a beautiful miracle!  I suppose the most challenging thing has been the journey of becoming certified to be foster parents. The paperwork and inspections and interviews are the EASY part. The part that I did not expect was the emotional and mental roller coaster that I would feel preparing to step into this. I am still scared silly!!

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I had almost 6 months of the year where I had more "good" days than "bad" days with my health. I do not talk a lot about the chronic pain issues that I have here on the blog, but they do overshadow a lot of how I live my life, unfortunately, not by choice, so the fact that this has been the "best" year health wise in 3 years is just amazing!

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

1) The EXTRA 3 months that it took to close on our short sale.

2) As mentioned above, the overwhelming emotions in processing what it would mean to be foster parents, to have the first children we would be "raising" for a time not be our "own."

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.

His Relentless Pursuit 

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2012

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Healthier. Happier. More-like-yourself-again.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2012 (again, without asking).

Chilled. Transforming. Revealing.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Grace for the Good Girl is on my list again this year as I continued reading into 2012. I did quite a few fictional reviews this year, but my favorite of them all was Breath of Angel by Karen Henley.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Arno, my life-long friends {college & local}, my parents, my sister,

Blogging friends who are IRL friends, Libby and all my (in) This Season ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Finding the desire and passion and drive to dream again

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I learned that I wait TOO long before I ask for help because it is so hard for me to ask so I am SLOWLY learning NOT to do this, even with those closest to me

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

The more I learn about how and who God wired me to be, the closer I feel to Him and His heart. The more I live the life HE created me for, the more I feel alive in my purpose on this earth.

That is the lesson that has come alive for me this year.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

As mentioned above, I have seen significant improvement in my chronic pain issues this year. While I am not back to my "old" self yet, I am SO VERY thankful for the healing the Lord has/continues to do in my body!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

As I am more fully embracing who I am, I am embracing that uniqueness in others around me. The past few years, GRACE has been like an anthem to me. I feel that the Lord is constantly teaching me not only to have grace for myself and my own story but for others and their journeys too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

The flexibility and the variety of working various types of jobs

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best, especially with the health limitations

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Probably TV/Internet

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Taking photography classes with my sister. Connecting with ladies at (in) This Season. Taking time to write more and more strategically. Connecting with others who have like-minded hearts and passions.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

What I have learned the most goes along with my OneWord for 2012 :: Relentless. The Father has shown me that He is relentlessly pursuing my heart. He is relentless in seeing the dreams He has placed inside of me come true. He is relentless to heal me and to renew what the devil tried to steal. He is relentless so I do not always have to be. He IS on my behalf.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

Weeping may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q & A.
Check out my 2011 Reflection Q & A.

When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

Who Should Give Us the Desires of Our Hearts? {Guest Post}

Today, it is my pleasure to welcome Brenda from Triple Braided as she shares on our heart's deepest desires.

Brenda considers herself a "recovering single" after years as a single woman chasing her dreams instead of God's dreams for her. Now she lives with her two miracles: her husband who God physically saved from Cardiomyopathy after a dramatic heart transplant and her baby girl who will be born this month from those three hearts. Brenda encourages women to live a life surrendered to Jesus in every season on her blog, Triple Braided, and she recently published her first eBook, Fall for Him: 25 Challenges from a Recovering Single. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

About six years ago I met weekly in an apartment in Atlanta with about five other women. We were all single, and as you can imagine, we all wished we were married. Our purpose for meeting was to have girl time but also for Bible study. Most of the time, however, we ended up having a verse study instead. Every week we would start out with good intentions. We would first eat and talk and laugh. Then we would move into discussing whatever Bible study we were doing at the time.

 For myself as a single woman, the topic of the Bible study at the time really didn't matter. All studies usually wound up being about relationships and dating and marriage. Ours was no different. Whether we were talking about Abraham or David or Ruth, shortly into the discussion our conversation would shift, and we would begin analyzing our lives as single women. There was one verse from the Bible that came up every week. And every week we would go 'round and 'round debating its meaning. It was like the Christian single's mantra.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

The reason for our debate is most likely obvious. 

The desperate desires of our hearts was to be married. And we were delighting in the Lord to the best of our knowledge. So why wasn't God giving us our desires?

At the time I mistakenly believed that only single people struggled with delighting in the Lord and not getting the desires of their hearts. If you're married, what more could be wrong?

But now that I am on the other side of "I do's," I realize that we all struggle with the tension between our desires and delighting in the Lord.

The desire to have a baby, adopt a baby, or have a healthy baby.

The desire to be a full-time homemaker, get a part-time job, or maybe have a more flexible one.

The desire for a husband who's a Christian, a husband who prays with his wife, or a husband who spends time with his family.

The desire for good health, to lose weight, or to not have a terminal disease.

The desire for children who are respectful, who don't have trouble learning, or who are self-sufficient.

The list goes on and on and on. Doesn't it?

We all have desires. Things that we want out of this world either for noble reasons or for reasons to make life a little more comfortable.

And God says He will give us the desires of our hearts when we delight in Him.

But what does that mean exactly? What does that look like? Obviously we don't get everything we want. So what did God mean when He said He would give us the desires of our hearts when we delight in Him?

I spent some time studying this verse, and especially the word "delight." 

I want to delight in the Lord, but honestly sometimes I don't know what more I can do!

"Delight" in Hebrew is 'anag which means to be soft, delicate, dainty, happy about.

If I am soft, delicate, dainty, and happy about (not complaining or resentful), then my desires are able to be molded into God's desires for me. He will give me my desires. They will be from Him instead of me choosing the desires of my heart myself and then asking Him to comply with them. My desires often begin to change.

It wasn't until after my years as a single woman that I realized the true meaning of Psalm 37:4, and ever since I've been recovering from searching after my own desires.

 I wrote an eBook out of this experience called Fall for Him: 25 Challenges from a Recovering Single. It's available now in PDF, Kindle and Nook formats. The purpose is to help single women see that their life is not waiting out there in the future for them. Their life is now. But it can only be fully revealed by being surrendered to Jesus - allowing Him to plant His desires for them in their hearts. If you are single, this book is for you, to help you have the desires of God's heart now. If you're married, this book is a great gift for that single woman in your life who is struggling with the desperate desire to be married. Maybe your niece, cousin, or sister. Maybe your best friend. Go ahead. Reach out your hand. Bless this special woman with your love. Give her an eBook that will help. You can purchase a copy by visiting www.FallforHim.com.


As a woman who was single into her late twenties, I have such a passion for those who are walking the road of singleness to find their deepest heart's desires in Him. I am so thankful to Brenda for braving writing out her own personal journey. Today, Brenda is graciously giving away one e-book to one of you. Yay, right? Whether you are single or have a friend/family member who is single and would like to give this for a Christmas present, please enter below for a chance to have Fall for Him as your very own!

 

  a Rafflecopter giveaway

31 Days of Story {Day 29} When Your Greatest Fear Becomes Story

The memory is seared into my brain.
I can see it like it was yesterday.


photo by Jonathan Thompson

I walk into the classroom reminiscent of the sixties in hues of gold and blue. I smile as I see my-slightly-more-chatty-than-normal-psychology-major friends sitting in our usual front-row-of-the-class seats. I slide into my seat excited, as our newly-favorite professor begins the study of the day.

Counseling Psychology I.
Finally, it is my senior year and already this material is making my Top Hits list.

Dr. Feller shares scenarios with us and we students engage in a lively, guided discussion, especially the loud mouths on the front row. And suddenly he begins to present the case that would impact my heart for life….

A couple in counseling…. …because they cannot have a baby.

Immediately solutions spouted from the mouths of students in class.

“They have so many options.” 
“Maybe they could adopt.” 
“They could get a surrogate.” 

I raised my hand in frustration, “But what if that is not the point. What if the desire of this woman is to carry this child in HER womb? What if she just needs to grieve THAT loss?”

Would you join me over at Must Love God for the rest of the story today....?

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31 Days of Story {Day 27} The Comparison Trap

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

 And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order. I blurted out quickly, before I lost my nerve...

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." 

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU!!"

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Revisited from the archives of March 14, 2012....
Here are my friend Candee's thoughts after reading my original post...

"Literally crying at my keyboard 

remembering that conversation. 

To think it has been fifteen years...wow! 

Thanks for the reminder to be 

who God created me to be no matter what. 

Love you friend!"

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I Am.....

I Am 

I am whimsy and prose 

I wonder why people don't SEE into each other more 

I hear animals talk
 I see fairies in my forest 

I want babies to call my own 

I am whimsy and prose 

I pretend I am a prima ballerina 

I feel the smell of the Caribbean sun 

I touch the mountains of Hispaniola 

I worry about what the future holds 

I cry for heart breaks and sorrows deeply felt 

I am whimsy and prose 

I understand people are my most valuable possession 

I say Dream Big and Be the Best Version of YOU 

I dream about living an artful life 

I try to give of my whole heart in all that I do 

I hope to show Jesus every day 

I am whimsy and prose

A fun little template filling in the blanks of who I am.....

Want to try it too? It only takes minutes....and the website generates the poem for you that you can post anywhere. I would love to hear your I Am words..... Please come share it with me if you decide to do it...you can even post it in the comments below!

Five Minute Friday :: Risk

I haven't seen the movie Brave yet, but I have this feeling....
I'm Gonna Love It!
{I mean, she has red hair after all!}

*photo credit*

No but seriously, there is something so thrilling about taking a risk, stepping away from what you have always known, recognizing the dreamer inside of you and leaping out in faith.

But now for the truth....

Being brave is not as easy the older you get. In fact, somehow it only seems to get scarier and scarier. The boogey men hiding in your closet are real, and those firefly dreams do not always come true.

At least not the way you planned.

And somehow THERE in THAT...in that unplanned, unscripted, unexpected place, the real live grown up big girl risk-taking comes into play.

Will you trust that HE knows better, loves deeper, plans farther into every intricate step of your future?

Will you be BRAVE?
Will I?

I am flying out in a few hours {currently 1am EST} to spend a week in Haiti

with my parents and my sister assisting with ministry 

as they wrap up for the summer.

Your prayers for traveling mercies and blessings 

throughout the week would be 

SO greatly appreciated!!

Broken Dreams & Shattered Hope

So it was kind of a yucky weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with what I know now is the "infamous" stomach flu that has been "going around" although somehow I seemed oblivious until it crashed into my immune system full force knocking me off of my feet for almost 36 hours and still in rebound mode today.

But I sat down last night to recount my weekend gifts anyway, and I was amazed at how thankful I felt....

For my sister who came over Saturday night with supplies AND gave up her Sunday to sit with me.

For my husband who loves me at my worst -- both in body and mood. For the fresh realization that while I do struggle daily with chronic pain, I AM thankful that I do NOT daily have the stomach flu. #ShesNotInvitedToMyParty

And for the little things...that in the midst of being overwhelmed, overwrought, and overtired...the Lord's still quiet voice could break through.

I feel that I should explain further....

Please do not get me wrong.
I am not some Christian hero.
Finding joy easily.
Drawing laughter in all circumstances like a paid clown.

Delighting in the most hideous of moments.

I'm real.
I'm raw.
I get mad.

I fight...

No. Really. I do...
...myself
...my husband
...my family
...my friends
...God
...the changes

And every time that I get "sick," even if it is with a 24-, or 48-, or whatever-hour flu bug, a silly cold, or a monthly setback, I wonder if I am slipping back into the worst of days, if I will ever be "myself" again - the girl I was before chronic pain became a daily partner - if I can do the things I want to do, if my dreams will actually come true.

So I cry
and thrash
and rage.

Yes. Even this weekend.
My pride is wounded.
I need help,
but I DESPISE that need.
I want people to swoop in and help me, to magically and instinctively just KNOW
but I HATE the fact that their help proves "I can't handle it...."

You see....I'm a fighter.
Not like punch-you-in-the-face or have-to-win-an-argument fighter
but you know that fight-flight instinct people have...??
Well...9 times out of 10, I will come out guns blazing, ready for action...

EVERY.
SINGLE.
TIME.

{Imagine me as a mother...I might be a raging lunatic...but that's a story for another day....}

I fight the REALITY of this unknown silent predator stealing away parts of me bit by bit that I do not want to surrender.
And it's lonely.
And it's scary.
And sometimes I just want to be a little girl again.
I don't want to face broken dreams,
scattered hope.

So...it is in THAT place....THAT season....THAT sheer agony of life where I count my gifts, shifting my focus, reminding myself of what IS real, what IS possible, what IS still promised, what....or rather IN WHOM my hope continuously rests...

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song


This cornerstone, this solid ground
 Firm through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease


My comforter, my all-in-all

Here in the love of Christ I stand

The Joy Dare

1000 gifts in 2012

154) Netflix -> Arno and I just recently jumped on the bandwagon

155) Little bits of leftover snow hanging on

156) Fluffy popcorn

157) Safety in an "almost" fire -- Thank you, Jesus!

158) Falling asleep before 10, even if only for 1 hour

159) Change in schedule meant productive and fun time to myself

160) The way the sunset brightened with that special setting

161) The shadows from the tree and of me on the driveway

162) My mom's words, "I'm just as proud of you now..."

163) The starry night -- makes me feel closer to Him

164) "Thanks for the encouragement, Lindsey. It's always a pleasure to write what I love and have people read it ant to really get it. Thank you for that. What a gift!"

165) Newly colored hair

166) My quilt

167) Peppermint tea while sick

168) My sister bringing me "supplies" & fixing me things while sick

169) Arno's nursing me even though it isn't his forte

170) One of those good heart-to-hearts with Arno

171) Catching up on some of my favorite shows

172) The stomach flu - hitting both of us - letting us both be home together on a Monday

173) My ugly sick picture from Saturday - the beauty of real life

174) The way the light hit the ugly old wood paneling in the smoke filled house

Won't you join me? Take The Joy Dare!

Here is a list of ideas to daily help you to SEE in the midst of the busy days...