31 Days of Story {Day 28} A Hard Lesson In Forgiveness

It was 1999, and he was my best "guy" friend.

We hung out mostly in a group of 8-12 friends. We were a tight crew. But he & I had a special connection. He was witty & sarcastic & boyishly charming. I was analytical & strong-willed & intellectually-challenging. Everyone knew we had a unique friendship, but it was "purely platonic."

No. Seriously. It was.

Was, that is, until that summer.
The summer after he broke up with his girlfriend from back home.
The summer we hung out in Maine with our friends.
The summer that everything changed.

We crossed the boundaries of friendship, and things would never be the same again.

At first it was thrill-me-to-my-toes exciting.
We were "us" but now.... MORE!
And it was fun!

But then, real life happened.

We went back to college, back to classes, back to our normal routine.

And she came too -- his ex.
She was now a part of "our" world.
THAT was not supposed to happen.
My world was spinning

Suddenly, he pulled away from me. He needed space from both of us to figure things out. It was hard, but he was my friend, right? So I wanted to give him room to grow and to know his own heart & head.

Then one day the bottom fell out of our relationship.
 In one day my heart broke.

He knew my schedule, so he had been avoiding me, although I hadn't realized that at the time. He didn't count on my meeting being cancelled that night. He didn't plan for me to be in the cafeteria a little later then usual for supper.

That's when I saw them.

The two of them.

Together.

I guess he "figured it out" without telling me.

I couldn't understand.
My mind did not want to register.
Why would he lie to me?
He is my friend.
He WAS my friend.

If Taylor Swift had been selling albums back then, THIS would have been the time to blast one of her angsty love break up songs....

These words pounded over and over and over in my head...

I'm not his choice.

I'm not good enough,

pretty enough,

smart enough,

I'm not ENOUGH!

And HE LIED TO ME!!


That is the moment the darkness crept into my soul, my very being. As the days passed, I would wake up each morning in such agony and pain and HATRED. I felt betrayed, abandoned, stupid, faithless, ignorant, unwise, alone. The feeling in my gut was like someone was daily twisting my intestines. I know that sounds intense and dramatic, but I felt like I was walking in a fog. I would read Scriptures almost mindlessly to just "stuff the Word" into me. I would get ready for the day and just beg the Holy Spirit to help me.

But nothing seemed to work. I would cross paths with him. Or her. Or him & her together. I tried to face things. I tried to let it go. I tried to "get over it!"

But the anger seemed to just build and build and with that the shame. 

How could I let this happen?
How could I be so stupid?

And the bitterness just increased.

Months passed, and one day, I went to a revival service. I don't remember what the message was about or anything that was said in particular except the invitation to the altar at the end. I went forward and I felt that tugging at my heart strings.

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go.

And instructions followed.

Write him a letter. Write her a letter. Ask them for forgiveness.

WHAT, LORD? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! There is NO WAY! I didn't do anything wrong. He blatantly lied to me, and she rudely ignores me. I am the one who has a RIGHT to be angry.

And the quietest of whispers....

Haven't you held anger, resentment, & bitterness in your heart against them?

Well, yeah, but THEY don't know that! I have been nice.

My child....Forgive.....

That night, I sat down at my computer, feeling compelled by a power larger than myself to such an extent, that I knew if I did not obey, the sky was going to open up and lightening would strike hard.
Not to punish, but to get my attention....

"Hey, girl! I'm talking to you...!!!"

So with trembling fingers, I typed out my battle-worn apologies.

{Photo Credit}

It was hard.

It was real.

It was honest.

The next morning, I went and dropped them off at the campus post boxes.

When I walked out of the CPO that day, it was the funniest thing. I am THROUGHLY convinced, the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the bird-song was sweeter, and there was a spring in my step.

Something amazing happened.
Something surprising and wholly miraculous
Accepting God's forgiveness and requesting it in return from others with NO AGENDA resulted in this beautiful thing...

Freedom!

Forgiveness set me free!!

"Therefore if the Son makes you free, 

you shall be free indeed."

John 8:36

From the archives -- 2/24/2011

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Moving Back Towards Community

This past weekend, we took a road trip.
To see one of our spiritual sons.
To have some down time with an old youth group friend and his wife that we truly call "couple friends," which is no small feat when you are married to an opposite.
And finally to fellowship at the church of my old campus pastor at my college alma mater.

I haven't seen Pastors Bill and Lisa Shuler in more than seven years, so as he took the stage, I let out a little squeal and happy clap as I reached for my journal prepared to capture every morsel of wisdom that he ALWAYS, without fail, oozes.

And as he opens his mouth and begins to share the words God has place on His heart, the theme become quickly clear :: community.

My heart did a little flip flop as I thought,

"Oh man! That word, this challenge, the gentle nudge forward...it is coming from every direction -- personal tug from the Holy Spirit, the blogosphere, and now an out-of-town church visit."

The last few years have been spent in a mode of aftershock due to trauma after trauma personally, physically, mentally, emotionally. Living in a culture not my own, experiencing multiple incidences of theft within a one-to-two year period, chronic pain increasingly debilitating my body, infertility holding the dream of multiplying our family at bay, and finally an earthquake in my childhood home of Haiti, cutting off life-and-death news of my parents for over seventeen hours -- all had me walking dazed and confused in my own skin.

In that shell-shocked season, I felt so very isolated from community by life circumstances, personal seclusion, and harsh judgments.

Two years ago, stepping away on an indefinite sabbatical from full time pastoral ministry found me in need of a hiding place for awhile. My emotions have run the gamut, from guilt to anger, from hurt to relief, from rejection to jealousy, from pride to disdain, and on and on and on.

With my heart functioning as one, BIG, raw, exposed nerve, connecting was off the table. For awhile. And as an extrovert, who thrives on relationships, this was HARD. But, drowning in pain from misunderstandings and lack of grace, I felt gun-shy to move forward, to open back up again.

Until now.

So with the past, ever in my consciousness, I felt the Lord gently lifting and urging me in the direction of community again as Pastor Shuler's words rang through the auditorium...

"When meaningful relationships are not present and active in our lives, we lose affirmation....and correction...because we need that too."

What am I missing by hiding behind the curtain?
How can I move forward from the hurts of the past?

Pastor Shuler shares three basic steps from the life of Jesus as told by counselor and relationship expert, Henry Nouwen:

1) Jesus began with solitude -- He connected with God
2) Jesus THEN enters community -- He formed a small group of disciples
3) Jesus finally steps forward to minister -- He reached out to the world around Him.

The more I connect with the Father, the more I can let go of the hurts of the past and risk opening up now and in the future and maybe even to be understood. I thought this was just a Lindsey-obsession, this desire to be understood, but come to find out it is THE #1 characteristic longed for in relationship -- to be understood and accepted.

And the more we open up ourselves and accept others, the more that same understanding and openness is returned back to us.

Yeah. I know. It is really simple.
But really it is not.
Not without Jesus.
Not without the cross.

This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. ~I John 4:10-12

So I am over here, taking tentative steps BACK into community and learning how to lean on Jesus in that endeavor more and more each day.

How do you move towards 

RE-connectiong and forgiveness 

in relationships in your life?

Linking up with:

The Gong Story {Guest Post :: Paige}

We are halfway through February, and almost halfway through this Relentless Love series. I hope you enjoying meeting some of my favorite blogger friends as much as I am enjoying sharing their words and hearts with you! It is exciting to see the faithfulness of the Father across miles and personalities, right?

Okay, so before I go on and on, let me introduce you to my next friend, Paige. Paige and I also attended and graduated from Oral Roberts University together. We were in spiritual leadership on campus and got to spend lots of time learning and growing together in those formative years. It was pretty amazing...seriously. We learned A TON! Paige is a training/missions pastor in Lubbock, Texas where she disciples leaders, plans mission trips, and loves on people every day. The thing that has always stood out most about Paige is her amazing smile, which is only undone by her incredibly kind heart. She truly shows love in who she is and how she sees the world. Paige married her college sweetheart, Josh and together they are raising sweet Selah and a soon-to-arrive-new-little-girl. Paige loves reading, running, traveling, loving people, and writing at her personal blog, Become Paige, where you will learn more about her life journey through ministry, mommyhood, missions and other musings & mayhem.

The Gong Story

“You are a GONG in my life.”

There it was. The truth hung in the air thick just waiting for my response to burst this bubble of criticism and brutal honesty. As I stared back at her I couldn’t register what she had just said to me. We had been meeting for almost a month now – getting together once a week to discuss theology and the Bible.

She came to me after I spoke at a college retreat she attended bursting with excitement and a plethora of questions. She stepped out boldly asking if the speaker that she admired might have a few minutes to shed some light about things like women in ministry, the gifts of the Spirit, and my own spiritual journey.

I quickly agreed to meet and we dove right into the juicy topics – I wanted her to see Scripture in a new light and was excited as light bulbs seemed to be illuminated in her mind. She disagreed with a lot of what I said, but it seemed that she enjoyed the debate – a ping pong match of who knew the Bible better with the occasional curve ball thrown in by yours truly. I saw so much promise in her – she was strong and smart and passionate – I saw a bit of myself in her eyes, and if I’m honest I was determined to get her to see through my lenses.

But here we were a month into our weekly meetings and she sat across from me – arms crossed, eyes hardened stating a sentence that will remain with me forever.

“You know that Scripture in 1 Corinthians that talks about love? It says, ‘Though I speak with the tongues of angels and men but have not love I am nothing more than a gong or clanging cymbals?’ Well, you may have all the right answers, but you are nothing more than a gong in my life. I don’t feel like you love me at all. You just want to cram your theological answers down my throat.”

And there I sat…stunned!

With defenses raised like a sharp fortress I concluded our meeting saying I needed to think about what she boldly proclaimed, and as she left I sat in silence, mouth agape…wondering if it was true.

This was ridiculous, right? Right???

And in the quiet I heard Him gently but clearly say it was true. I was a gong, and a loud one at that. I had asked her little about her life – what she liked, what she was studying, what she loved about her family, if there was a boy she liked – I came to each meeting armed with Scriptures and plans to make her…like me.

Not even like Him if I was honest (as if that were possible anyways through my gong methods)…but in the quiet and in the truth – that was the hardest thing to realize of all.

My real agenda was not even to disciple her, but to make her more like me – and she saw straight through it. Who wants to be like a gong?

I whispered, “How? How had I gotten here?”

And then I heard Him again – because you are empty…and I knew what He meant. I was empty of true love and anything resembling His true nature because it had been a long time since I had even brushed up close to He who is love.

It was a dark and dry season of my life in which I was just trying to keep a roof over our heads – my husband’s business had collapsed and I was the sole provider…he was in a depression…and I was tired of waiting…of trusting…of hoping…of leaning into Him. And so I went on auto-pilot (after all, I knew the right answers and was faking this thing called ministry pretty well – until I obviously wasn’t – I had just been called a gong!)

And it was then with face to the ground, tears and fear flowing from my heart that I knew one thing – I am loved. Even if I can’t show love – I am loved.

“And that is where you start,” I heard Him nudge. Stop plowing forward and allow yourself to breathe in my love. Until you do you will only breathe out the sound of a gong…but as you breathe in my love – breathe it in deep, then you can begin to speak the language of love that once flowed freely from your lips.

And I realized… I will never be able to truly love in my own strength, but I can know love. I can know Him and as I do, love can flow through me.

I wish I could tell you my story ended with her perfectly…and although I sat before her the next week tears streaming down my repentant face, I’m sure there were moments that I was still a gong in her life. But I laid down my Bible and my agenda and just asked her if we could be friends.

And more importantly, I laid down my agenda with Him as well. I stopped trying to fix my situation and leaned into His love. Nothing magically changed overnight…but slowly she and I learned to speak a language not of gongs and cymbals but of laughter and listening and love…and slowly – STILL slowly – I am learning to communicate with the One who knows my heart best.

I breathe in His love, His delight in me, His gentle rebukes, His direction, and His voice…and although the echoes of the gong still reverberate from time to time…it’s clear now that it is a hollow sound from an empty vessel, and there is only one remedy – His love.

*dry ground pic

This month I have asked some of my fellow bloggers to join me here at The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up to share how they have seen the Relentless Love of the Father in their lives in moments of brokenness, heartache, and valley-of-shadow moments. This post is the 6th in the series of that exploration into the passion of the Father for us

across miles, across personalities, across hearts that are His.

To read more of the posts, click here and here.

Because Sometimes We Forget

"Adam and Eve were birthed, or created, in the image of God.

Period.

But they didn't remember."

~Emily P. Freeman

This journey through understanding my good girl tendencies has peeled back layers deep inside of me like an ripe onion, causing cringing and tears that surprised even me.

I mean, when you have loved Jesus since you were a little girl and tried to live a "good" life and be a "good" Christian, you think you have this "relationship-with-Jesus-thing" basically down. Not only have I grown up having a REAL relationship with Jesus since I was four years old, but also, my parents are missionaries, so He was a part of our lives in every way.

At 18, I went to a Christian university, started serving in campus ministry and never looked back. 10 years of full time ministry later; hundreds of messages and personal revelations on His grace, His blood, and The cross under my belt, thousands of encouraging words spoken from my own lips to others about His amazing love for them, and then...I begin reading Emily's book, Grace for the Good Girl and suddenly here I am discovering masks I have hidden behind for years in spite of all that I "know."

And that brings us to Adam and Eve.

They walked with God.

They talked with God.

I mean they PHYSICALLY SAW Him with their OWN eyes.

How amazing is that!!

And then.

Enter the serpent.

Bringing lies and deceit.

Planting seeds of doubt about the One she knew so well.

Oh my goodness!

Is this familiar to you?

The doubts, the fears, the mantras of insecurity resound in your mind.

Your spirit cries inside of you testifying of the One who you know so well, who knows YOU so intricately.

And yet....anxiety, suspicion, and uncertainty weigh heavily inside of you.

and like with Eve where "love dislodged itself from her heart, sending her spiraling down into despair and doubt and death," you feel that same disconnect.

It is to me.

Familiar, that is.

I did not ever realize just HOW independent and in-control I needed to be until this past year.

My best friend took my silence in my struggles as me needing my space because I act "together."

My husband did not realize when thing overwhelmed me because I do not tell him.

My mom, I pushed away, emotionally because her heartfelt love threatened to break through my carefully constructed walls.

I put up walls, masks, and an air of "I-am-in-control. No worries!"

So, I found myself alone, angry, desperate, wondering why people around me were not actively loving and reaching out to me, the way I felt that I had always done for them. I thought, "Don't they see that I am dying inside? Why don't they break through my walls? Surely I am not THAT intimidating....right??"

About a year ago, when my life first radically changed with my husband and I taking an indefinite time-out from full time ministry, I sat down with a long time friend who has known me since junior high. As we started talking, I opened up about the fact that I really did not have the answers to the whys and whats and where-to-next questions that other people wanted to know, let alone to appease that voice in my head that needed order and control.

She said something to me that kind of amazed me.

"Lindsey, do you know how many people would not only be accepting but actually grateful that you 'don't know,' that you don't have all the answers for 'what's next?' I think you would be surprised that they would actually be thinking, 'Wow! She is actually like the rest of us.' Because you have always seemed so sure, so confident, so in control, and most people really feel like they have no clue, on a daily basis."

Her words just kind of blew me away.

People really LIVE like that!?!?

And they think...those things....about ME?!?!?!

But I wanted them to, did I not?

So they were giving me what I wanted

Or at least what I was communicating that I wanted.

I know now that the good girl inside of me never wanted to be weak, never wanted to look needy. If other people are, that is okay, but somehow I must be special....so never let them see you sweat....right?

Right??

"I hide behind my mask of performance so people will think I am smart, capable, and put together. I hide behind the reputation I have established rather than risk trusting an unpredictable Jesus. I hide behind my positive emotions rather than let you see my reality. I hide behind my list of rules so I can check off each one, as if I'm another step closer to God because I've followed them. I hide behind my mask of strength because I'm ashamed of my weakness....I have to come out of hiding in order to be found. To be healed. To be whole."

Oh! And this is where the revelation is just beautiful.

"The Bible calls the masks we depend on flesh....the Spirit and the flesh are in opposition. It doesn't matter if your flesh looks bad or good: it opposes the Spirit within you, and these struggles can rob us from living out of our true, Jesus-made identity."

The part that really speaks to me is how it does not matter if your flesh looks bad or good. When it is fighting against His Spirit inside of you, THAT is the real issue!

So what does God give us?

Mercy and Grace.

An escape that we do not deserve.

"Mercy protects. Grace provides....In the person of Jesus, mercy and grace show up perfect and pour out all over us."

We have to make a choice....I must make a choice to come out of the hiding place of shame, where I must DO and EARN and PROVE my own salvation; and to walk into the hiding place of grace where I not only receive the price He paid FOR me but I take that identity UPON me.

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

(Colossians 3:3)

"This is the different kind of hiding than the one we have practiced as good girls. When we realize the safe place where we dwell, there is new hope for the entire human race to breathe a collective sigh of sweet relief. God has provided a better way and because of that, there is a new way to live."

I am reading and writing through Emily P. Freeman's book Grace For the Good Girl with Momma Day by Day and some other brave recovering good girls as we delve into our "good girl" tendencies and share our journeys in {RE}discovering His grace, His heart. This post is a reflection of chapter 10.

Read more about my journey through Grace for the Good Girl....

Intro & Chapter 1

Chapters 2 & 3

Chapters 4 & 5

Chapters 6 & 7

Chapters 8 & 9

The Day a Letter Set Me Free

It was 1999, and he was my best "guy" friend.

We hung out mostly in a group of 8-12 friends. We were a tight crew. But he & I had a special connection. He was witty & sarcastic & boyishly charming. I was analytical & strong-willed & intellectually-challenging. Everyone knew we had a unique friendship, but it was "purely platonic."

No. Seriously. It was.

Was, that is, until that summer.
The summer after he broke up with his girlfriend from back home.
The summer we hung out in Maine with our friends.
The summer that everything changed.

We crossed the boundaries of friendship, and things would never be the same again. At first it was thrill-me-to-my-toes exciting. We were "us" but now MORE, and it was fun!

But then, real life happened.

We went back to college, back to classes, back to our normal routine.

But she came too -- his ex. She was now a part of "our" world.

Suddenly, he pulled away from me. He needed "space" from "both of us" to "figure things out". It was hard, but he was my friend, right? So I wanted to give him room to grow and to know his own heart & head.

Then one day the bottom fell out of our relationship. In one day my heart broke.

He knew my schedule, so he had been avoiding me, although I hadn't realized that at the time. He didn't count on my meeting being cancelled that night. He didn't plan for me to be in the cafeteria a little later then usual for supper.

That's when I saw them.

The two of them.

Together.

I couldn't understand. My mind did not want to register. Why would he lie to me? He is my friend. He WAS my friend.

I'm not his choice.
I'm not good enough,

pretty enough,

smart enough,

I'm not ENOUGH!

And HE LIED TO ME!!

That is the moment the darkness crept into my soul, my very being. As the days passed, I would wake up each morning in such agony and pain and HATRED. I felt betrayed, abandoned, stupid, faithless, ignorant, unwise, alone. The feeling in my gut was like someone was daily twisting my intestines. I know that sounds intense and dramatic, but I felt like I was walking in a fog. I would read Scriptures almost mindlessly to just "stuff the Word" into me. I would get ready for the day and just beg the Holy Spirit to help me.

But nothing seemed to work. I would cross paths with him. Or her. Or him & her together. I tried to face things. I tried to let it go. I tried to "get over it!"

But the anger seemed to just build and build and with that the shame. How could I let this happen? How could I be so stupid? And the bitterness just increased.

Months passed, and one day, I went to a revival service. I don't remember what the message was about or anything that was said in particular except the invitation to the altar at the end. I went forward and I felt that tugging at my heart strings.

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go.

And instructions followed.

Write him a letter. Write her a letter. Ask them for forgiveness.

WHAT, LORD? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! There is NO WAY! I didn't do anything wrong. He blatantly lied to me, and she rudely ignores me. I am the one who has a RIGHT to be angry.

And the quietest of whispers....

Haven't you held anger, resentment, & bitterness in your heart against them?

Well, yeah, but THEY don't know that! I have been nice.

My child....Forgive.....

That night, I sat down at my computer and typed out my apologies.

{Photo Credit}

It was hard.

It was real.

It was honest.

The next morning, I went and dropped them off at the campus post boxes.

When I walked out of the CPO that day, I am convinced, the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the bird-song was sweeter, and there was a spring in my step.

There was something amazing about accepting God's forgiveness and requesting it in return from others with NO AGENDA!

Forgiveness set me free!!

Linked up with Bonnie @ Faith Barista and A Lesson Learned @ Mama's Losin' It