An open letter to Little Man's Birth Mom

Dear Birth Mother,

Today I hold the baby in my arms that you held in your womb for nearly nine months. He coos and laughs and in just 3 short weeks, I know his cries and gurgles and sounds. And even more, he knows my voice. I am in love in a way I never expected to be with a baby that I did not carry under my own heart. Amazed. Enraptured. Astounded.

And yet...today on this Mother's Day...the first one where physical caring and loving gives me the right to stand among the throngs of scarred warriors...princesses....mothers....

I think of you.

You who carried this child under your breast.
You who felt life come into the world the day he was born.
You who stood, slept, and sat in uncomfortable hospital rooms for weeks awaiting the time you could take him home.
You who had to let him go as he was placed into my arms...for now...or maybe.... forever.

I do not know how to comprehend this agony of surrendering this gift of life to another...yet again.
I cannot understand the weight of knowing another woman loves him as you do.
I am baffled by the sheer magnitude of heart ache, life has brought you through circumstances as well as personal choices.

And I do not judge you.
Well, mostly not.
Really. Truly.
My heart goes out to you most days.

My real struggle is when I realize, I wish he were mine, clear and free, here and now, forever and always.

And then I remember you.

You who are fighting to clear a path for his return. I am conflicted in wanting to rejoice for your successes and the sheer dread that overwhelms me in knowing that your success may well be my greatest agony to date.

I want to believe the best and still there are moments that I catch myself wishing for the worst. In those moments, I am shamed at my own humanity. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? But clay in the Potter's hands.

So with long-term desires that rival the breadth and width of the Grand Canyon and dogged determination to focus on the plans and purposes that Jesus has for Little Man {wherever that may me}, I first want to thank you for saying YES to life! Yes to giving Little Man a chance to live, to survive, to thrive, and to walk in the destiny for which he was formed and fashioned.

And secondly....
Today, I share this Mother's Day with you.
And for the gift that you have given me,
I wanted to say thank you...
...from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever the path may lead us from here...
today, let's rejoice in life....Little Man's life and all the promise that it holds.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sincerely,
Little Man's Foster Mommy

Maybe Hope

Today has been a melancholy day.

I sort of woke up that way.
I may have gone to sleep with those feelings last night, but tiredness reigned and the morning dawned with a sadness in my soul, even as I swept the cobwebs from my sleepy brain.

For the momma who may lose custody of all five of her children due to extended incarceration.
For those young hearts and minds who WILL find a forever home, but at a deeply emotional cost.
For the boy whose past has been a whirlwind and finds himself in trouble...AGAIN...today at school.
For my own body, aching intensely for the third morning in a row.
For the vulnerability that my heart feels when my physical weaknesses are exposed to new ears and I wonder, "Do they really understand?"
For the feelings of trepidation that making new friends and wondering if I can really be myself brings.
For the future of my granny, her care, and how that affects my mom, my whole family.
For a hundred things that my mind and my heart and my soul cannot grasp and contain.

I know that tears are just brimming below the surface and they are felt more deeply than words can truly capture. Although I have shared reasons and potential whys, the deep that cries out to deep senses that I have only scratched the surface of this gloomy reverie.

So here I sit, in my favorite cafe, writing out my heart....squeezed in the minutes between going here and there to purge the recesses of my soul believing for resolution, absolution, or maybe just peace in the convolution.

Maybe the brokenness in my own soul is making me more aware and alive and in tune to the cries of the downtrodden.

Maybe the weakness in me today is necessary to move forward in this haphazardly beautiful journey like Much-Afraid in her pilgrimage of "becoming."

Maybe my heart's tenderness is causing me to smell deep as I walk out my door and pause to remember, "Spring is coming...it's almost here...don't give up....wait a little longer."

Maybe...just maybe....
Hope is here.
Hope is alive.
Hope will come again.

God-Sized Dreams in 2013

When it popped up in my e-mail, "Guess who my featured Five Minute Friday post is this week?" I literally could not believe it.

I know. That sounds like false humility and all, but seriously, I really feel like I am faking this whole blogging/writing thing at least 75-80% of the time. At Allume last year, I would not even read my Five Minute Friday out loud, because I still feel like the girl in the room who speaks a second language, dresses a little weird, and has no idea how to navigate first-world social norms. My sister fakes-it-til-you-make-it  better than I do.

But I love to write. I have a poet's heart and a prosey brain and over the years, I have embraced the view I have on life that is uniquely my own. I see God's handprint, and I celebrate the fact that I am loved by One such as Him.

So I was thrilled, and even did a little happy dance on the inside. Wow! I cannot believe I was chosen.

When I looked later, I found out a little more about the matter. Lisa-Jo had tweeted to the #FiveMinuteFriday gang to give her some feedback on their favorite post of the week, and Tonya, whom I have never talked to or met, even online, shared my link, with no link backs to me so I did not even know it, until after the fact.

No fanfare. No big deal. Just a little tweet.

And I felt simultaneously humbled and ecstatic! {I am an extrovert after all!}

Somehow this whole thing that I dedicate a lot of my time and heart to....is making a difference.
One person.
One tweet at a time.

The next day, I get this Facebook message from a college friend, Anna....

"I thought of you today while listening to a radio program called women of grace. The way the host was so encouraging and passionate reminded me of you. Have you considered going into Christian radio? : )"

My speaker's heart wanted to burst. I had JUST been reading about podcasting WHILE she was typing this message. I have missed teaching and preaching and speaking during our extended sabbatical, and I would love to make space in my world of blogging for some spoken word.

Bottom line.

I love words.
Written.
Spoken.
Public.
Private.
Global.
One-on-one.

I love people.
I love hearing their stories.
I love walking with them through broken places.
I love helping them find their own uniqueness.
I love celebrating that individuality that is all their own.
I love seeing their dreams come true.
I love discipling.
I love making people feel THEY are chosen.
{because, well, it's true!!}

My ex-boyfriend used to say, "Lindsey, you have a heart for everything and every body." I would laugh and think, "What is wrong with that?" The Lord took me on a journey into pastoral ministry where I methodically worked directly with all ages from 2-82 and everything in between, adding more ages groups in as the years passed, and at this point in my life, there is no age that I do not care for, see their unique needs, and long to help in that way.

I have not talked much about this yet because I SO wanted to be clear, concise, and orderly, but the chaos that is my brain will not give me that luxury so I shall share nonetheless.

For 2013, I am purposefully embracing my God-sized dreams. I am joining 99 other ladies as we jump off the cliff called SAFE into the unknown. Holley Gerth is our guide through this journey along with the Holy Spirit of course, and I am delighted to be taking this challenge.

Did I say delighted?
I meant to say DELIGHTFULLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! ;-)

So since I am having a hard time "narrowing down" ONE God-sized dream to focus on, I thought I would just share them all. I, know...crazy, right? To put myself out there like that. Remember I told you....I have always been a LITTLE different from the status quo.

Okay here are my dreams {at least what I can think of at the moment} in no particular order::

* Become a licensed counselor
* Become a bonafide author
* Become a college professor
* Work again in full time ministry
  {even if that looks different that it has in the past}
* Be completely free from chronic pain
* Become a mother
* Get paid for my art 
  {writing, speaking, photography}
* Become a graphic designer {maybe}
* Be in control of my own schedule 
  without financial worry
* Be the kind of wife who enthusiastically 
  supports my husband's dreams
* Live life to the fullest 
  and continue to dream even more!

Okay, that is good for now I suppose....I want to expound and quantify and add to but I think that will come in other posts. I have a whole year after all, eh?

But you know what would be REALLY COOL and SO VERY EXCITING FOR ME??!!??

Would you join me in this God-sized dream journey?

Pinterest via The Artsy Girl Studio

My friend, Holly, will be blogging about it lots and she wrote the coolest e-book, The "Do What You Can" Plan, so you can follow and read along with her as well as with me here. If this just speaks to your heart, gives you that little leap inside, will you let me know below?

If you are like me, and are just not sure what your God-sized dreams are or how to focus on them, tell me that too! We will figure it out together somehow, stumbling through the dark. We have an amazing Guide, keeping us safe as we navigate this new territory.

Also.....and this is sort of awkward to ask....but if you know me, either online or in real life, would you weigh in some of the dreams that I shared with you? Because my dreams are all about people, knowing which ones influence people the most, might help me to figure out the God-sized dream for THIS season, ya know? I would definitely appreciate it...especially those of you {lurkers} who read but do not comment...would you DE-LURK, just for this one?  Thank you!!

Happy dreaming...

"If you keep on believing, the God-sized dream that you wish really will come true."
{modified from Cinderella}

Underdogs, Community, and FREE (in)RL :: How to do life better...together!!

My great-grandmother had a saying she used to say, "Nitwits and N*&%* always like me."

It was a different time back then, and while today we might say black or people of color, her heart was in the right place. Truly. Because basically, the underdogs of society (at that time) were always drawn to her. The same could be said of my mother and her sisters, and now of my sister and I as well as many of our cousins. I'd like to think that just as freckles, boisterous laughter, being-the-loudest-cheerleaders-in-the-stands as well as strong-willed and stubborn women is obvious in all of us, so is the penchant for compassion for the least of these.

The same could be said of The Bailey family......you know.....on It's a Wonderful Life.

George's, our main character's, father ran the Building and Loan in Bedford Falls. Peter Bailey was, admittedly, not a very good business man. He was not even able to save enough money to send his two sons, George and Harry, to college. So, Henry Potter, the villian of our story, and the man who basically ran the whole town EXCEPT for the Building & Loan was calling Peter Bailey "a failure" and "a starry-eyed dreamer" before he was barely cold in his grave.

George just lost it! He knew his father's weaknesses, but he also knew his strengths.

"He didn't save enough money to send Harry to school, let alone me. But he did help a few people get out of your slums, Mr. Potter. And what's wrong with that?  Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about...they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so...."

George went on to become the man his father was and MORE. In spite of his own lofty dreams, he stayed in Bedford Falls, got married, had a family, and helped more and more families get out of the "projects" and own their own place. George was even known to GIVE money away to friends in need, even when he did not have it.

I feel so challenged by the Bailey family, and even by the heritage in my own family. I wonder if I can look at all of humanity and be so generous, not just with money, but with my heart, my time, my life??Can I REALLY love not only with those who "appear to be the underdogs" but also with those who cover it well, who push people away, who are not easy to love??

I am working on that.
Or I should say, HE is working on me.
And being in community, being sharpened by others definitely helps me with that.

I have learned a lot about community in the past two years. I have learned that it comes where you least expect it and sometimes you must embrace the community you are given.

The place...and people...that have challenged my thinking about community the most lately are the beautiful women over at (in)courage. Not only did they start online community groups called (in)courager groups, but they also held a conference called (in)RL meaning (in) REAL LIFE where women across the globe, literally tuned in together in real life meet ups with women in their home towns. This is taking in one mind and one accord to a WHOLE new level!

Well guess what? You can be a part of (in)RL 2013 this year FOR FREE!!  Yay! Just click over here for more details! Please check it out! You won't be sorry! I promise! Oh...and did I mention, that you get some FREE gifts if you sign up TODAY! WaHOO!! Even more loveliness, right??

"Think of it as a FREE girl’s weekend away that doesn’t require packing or plane tickets, where women can kick off any expectation of perfect, set aside their fears, their shyness, their worry that they’re not good enough, and find some of Jesus’ words of rest woven into every video shared."

(If you are reading in an e-mail or RSS fee, please click here to see the (in)RL trailer.)

  


My ALL-TIME favorite Christmas movie hands-down is It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart's rendition of George Bailey and the subsequent characters his life impacts tug at my heart strings every time. I am always reminded what a powerful force each of us can be in the lives of others.

So every Monday in 2013, I am sharing from Bob Welch's book, 52 Little Lessons from It's a Wonderful Life, in a short, encouraging post, a new principle to focus on and be encouraged by for that week. Hopefully you {and I!} will both be inspired that it REALLY is a wonderful life as our faith in God and how we live that out is challenged.

It's a Wonderful Life :: Childlike Faith

My ALL-TIME favorite Christmas movie hands-down is It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart's rendition of George Bailey and the subsequent characters his life impacts tug at my heart strings every time. I am always reminded what a powerful force each of us can be in the lives of others.

For Christmas, my mom bought me the DVD, because believe it or not, I still had the VHS version! ;-) And Netflix isn't giving up the goods quite yet. When I opened the present, there was another fun treat in there, 52 Little Lessons from It's a Wonderful Life by Bob Welch. He visits fifty-two various themes throughout the book that challenges us in our faith in God and how we live that out every day.

So I had a light bulb moment!

Why not share one of my arguably favorite movies of all time with you, on a weekly basis, all year long based on the short principles in this book.

So every Monday, I will bring to you in short, encouraging post, a new principle to focus on and be encouraged by for that week, hopefully, to inspire you {and me!} to realize that it REALLY is a wonderful life.

Lesson #1 :: Childlike Faith

Clarence, he is George's angel in our story. He is getting sent down on his first assignment, hopefully, to get his wings. The higher ups do not think much of Clarence's brains, but they admire his faith like a child. Although Clarence may not be the best angel around according to all the "angelic societal norms," he has a heart that has gained him the recognition of the higher-ranking angels who decide where the second-class angels get sent on assignment.

I love to live life with the heart of the child, to approach every situation with raw honesty and joy.

Welch says it like this, "As children, we are not jaded by the sophistication of the world.  We're real. We're humble. We're willing to admit our needs and trust that others can help us. We're unpretentious and adventurous. We're lighthearted and imaginative. And we're fearless, willing to take a risk."

But like most adults, I, too, forget to put adventure, imagination, and fearlessness at the forefront. I, we, live life safe, guarded. Welch said that we even "hide our needs from others." Guilty as charged. And finally, instead of approaching God with simplicity, without guile, complicated thinking gets in the way like trying to work out my salvation and problems all on my own....on our own.

If we can approach life a little more like Clarence, imagine how different life would be.

1 Corinthians 1:27 - "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

I spent the afternoon on Sunday learning about the life of Randy Pausch and listening to his final Carnegie Melon lecture on Achieving Your Childhood Dreams.

 

If you want the ten minute condensed version, you can click here, but if you have time to soak in the hour and fifteen minute lecture, you will seriously NOT be sorry.

If there is a man who embraced life with childlike wonder, it was Randy Pausch. I am thoroughly challenged.

May you find the kid in your soul and the laughter in your moments as you trust the Father with the faith of a little child.

Five Minute Friday{And Then Some} :: Opportunity

It's back! 
After a month long hiatus for the December holidays, Five Minute Friday has returned. Last night was a lovely party {#FMFparty} on Twitter with some of my favorite ladies on the web. It was a real treat to my extroverted, words-of-affirmation heart. You should TOTALLY join us one week...for the party and the word scramble.

It's hard and beautiful and lovely and scary.
And I hate to ever miss one week!

So without further ado......



I've been dreaming a lot lately.
This has been pretty amazing.
For awhile I thought I had lost the dreamer,
the artist,
the soulful girl,
the Anne-girl of my childhood.

But God is faithful and good and gracious
to renew and restore and fill us up again.

So I have been dreaming.
Of the future.
Of the year to come.
Of the days ahead.
Of the now.

I am full up with possibility, opportunity, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know if I will become an author, a counselor, a professor, or a graphic designer.
I am not sure if I will move to Alaska or Colorado or Timbuktu or even stay here in small town Maryland.
I have no idea if we will have six children or one, if they will be foster or adopted or biological or all of the above.

I am not sure.
I am not sure about a lot of things.
This used to scare me.
Some days it still does.
A lot.

But lately, the pot has been stirred and I am bubbling to the brim with the open doors that I can just make out on the horizon.

It is a mystery,
where they will lead,
what mountains and valleys that I will travail,
which beautiful hardships and gifts will cross my path.

But somehow...in the mystery...for the first time, in a long time....I trepidatiously, with outstretched arms, step forward into the Light, knowing that His fingers are at holding my palms leading me on.

P.S. Had a "little" more than 5 minutes today...was just on a roll and HAD to finish!! ;-)

One Word :: Rearview Reflection and Dreaming into 2013

After I told my sister my one word for the year at the beginning of 2012, she later confessed that she asked God, "Really Lord? Isn't Lindsey relentless enough already?"

I have laughed over and over and over about that thought.

And I realized how true it is. I have a RATHER persistent personality....usually enticing people into my ideas and passions with contagious excitement.

Usually.

I have long been aware that there is a fine line between influence and manipulation. I try hard to keep that line really OBVIOUS to myself. No one HATES being manipulated more than me so I do not want to be the one to inflict that yucky-ness on others.

But that relentless nature in my 90%-fight-over-10%-flight reaction in my being took a beating in the struggles of the past 3-4 years.  So when I wrote about Relentless on January 5 of last year...I knew that God wanted to show Himself relentless in my life. I truly did get that.

But.....
.....the depth to which He has plumbed, I honestly do not know if I have the words to adequately explain because it has been so vast and thorough and well...amazing...

Let me try....

I feel more aware of the fact that He is Relentless FOR me, IN me, THROUGH me, IN SPITE of me. His grace to see me through every circumstance, to let me be still while He fights for me....well...there is no other way to say it than...I needed that. I needed to have a rescuer. I needed to learn how to LET Him be that. I needed the white knight. And He met me where I was at.

I will probably always be learning how to let go, to let Him, to be, to stop doing all the time, but this past year was an amazing kickstart.

My word for this year came to me in a whirlwind of a surprise, and yet slowly as it has seeped into my heart, I see the way God is weaving the tapestry together in this decade of grace. Arno {the hubs} even commented on the connection...

2010 - The Year of Grace
2011 - The Year of the Redeemed
2012 - The Relentless Year

And now.....

Taking this extrovert to a place of quiet and even loneliness, showing me who He is AND who He is IN me. This word both scares and excites me, like one's one word should I think.  Like every big launching pad moment, the knowledge that change is coming has me simultaneously shaking in my boots and shouting Hallelujah in the deepest recesses of my soul.

Like "Be STILL and know that I am God...." and "I am STILL in control, my child..."

Yeah. Like I said. Shaking and shouting.
All at the same time.

So of course Psalm 46:10 will not stop persisting in my head.
I looked it up and discovered some interesting perspectives in various versions that got me just a wee bit more excited!

New International Version (©1984) "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." 

New Living Translation (©2007) "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."  

New American Standard Bible (©1995) "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009) Stop your fighting--and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth." 

International Standard Version (©2012) Be in awe and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted throughout the earth.  

Aramaic Bible in Plain English (©2010) Return and know that I AM GOD. I am exalted among the nations and I am exalted in the Earth. 

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995) Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth. 

Okay, if you are STILL here, and I haven't lost you in my comparing-versions-geek-fest, well, YAY! And I will share more as the year progresses...

Now.........I would love to hear YOUR one word {or link to your blog post about it if applicable}, if you have chosen one or even one of your goals for this year. I think sharing our plans/goals/dreams, while scary, gives us, not only accountability, but also stirs excitement in our bones...makes it real!

So c'mon...get real WITH me...yeah?

Happy New Year, friends!
This is a special one, eh?

A Year in Review :: My Favorite 2012 Blog Posts

There is something really cool about blogging (and photographing) your life.
You READ and SEE the changes up close and personal.
It is kind of an amazing thing!

Here are some glimpses of my journey through 2012, month by month.
Feel free to browse through and find the one or ones that speak to you most.
It has been a beautiful year -- a Relentless one {more on that One Word pilgrimage coming soon},
and it is my pleasure to be able to share it with you!

January

Snow-Quiet Moments
"With more energy and life now, I pick up my postal delivery and flit out the door to bask in the not-quite-yet-wonderland. As magical as the morning dusk to some, this midnight hour is to me. The world is quiet. The snow falls tiny and unnoticed. There is no one around."

Who Am I To Judge?
"But where is the love? Where is the redemption in my heart? Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family? Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?"

February

His Banner Over Me Is Love
"And on and on and on and on it goes. It rages and storms and beats and batters and bruises my wounded soul until I have shocked and scared her into a submission she was not meant to endure. Anxiety. That demon-monster puts its clutches into every fiber of my being, my very humanity, until the voice of the One whom I have known since I was a little girl is replaced with HIS horrid mantra."

Happiness is Overrated....or Is It?
"And so....happiness is overrated....became my motto. I figured. God never promised us that we would be happy, just that He would be with us. And He was always with me. Of that, I am sure."

March

Can I Truly Love?
(The internal wrestling at the beginning of our foster care journey)

To be Fearless
"Tippy-toeing on broken glass. Holding new life in my hands. Walking through the creepy forest of fairy tale lore.  Grasping. Wailing. Bleeding. From fear that holds me hostage...."

Brave
"I want to be brave. Brave enough to swim the English channel. Climb Pike's Pea.k And travel around the world on a wing and a prayer. I want to be brave. Brave enough to say I'm sorry. I forgive you.
 I love you. I need you."

Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope
"I sat frozen by the news. After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart."

Where I Fly

(a favorite childhood place...written poetry style)

April

Light
"The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach."

In the Shadows
"I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows. At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life."

Community
(Where I learned that community was not as far away as I thought it was)

May

The Artist's Voice
"Artists SEE each other. 
 We recognize greatness. We understand the way one's heart is worn on the sleeve. We hear the unique drumbeat even when it varies from our own. And we champion the aspirations within those faces we see. At least that is how it is supposed to be."

To the Childless Mothers
(encouragement for the moms with no babies to hold...including me)

What She Did Not Know (A Letter to my Mom)
"When she said yes to ministry, to my dad, to missions, and to motherhood, she did not know the road she would travel. When she embarked on her adventure as a newlywed missionary to the island of Hispaniola, she never imagined the trials she would need to overcome. When she carried her firstborn child in her womb, accepting the mantle of motherhood at the ripe age of 22, she had no idea the heartache that awaited her, not years but months later."

June

The Voice in my Head
"And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting."

July

I Am

"I am whimsy and prose.  I wonder why people don't SEE into each other more.  

I hear animals talk.  I see fairies in my forest. 

I want babies to call my own.  I am whimsy and prose."

Coming Home
"Coming home to them is like coming back to family. But a "different" kind of family. This family does not all speak the same language, live in the same house, or even look alike. This family hails from places like Jellico, TN or Jacmel, Ayiti and more town and cities whose soil has never met my feet. This family loves me, not because we share blood or ancestry; their love comes from living this common, simple life together. It blooms from growing up together."

August

Join
"I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls. 
Can I just be me? Will that be safe? 
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?"

Releasing to the Fall
"It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future."

September

In the Tension of the Waiting
"Inside I feel small. Insignificant. Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers.... 
 Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly. Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style."

I Wish It Was Different
"I wish it was different. I wish I could be the one they need me to be. I wish I was not so altered by life and circumstances and living away. I wish I knew how to bridge the ever-widening gap. I wish I felt connected to them. I wish they had let their guards down years ago to let me know them. I wish I could set it all aside and just love them like Jesus."

The Journey of Finding Courage
"I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome."

October

31 Days of Story
I wrote for 31 days on my childhood, adolescent, and college years. I am not even sure how to pick one to highlight BUT Day 11 was my first vlog ever and a favorite story of mine to tell filled with an airport shooting and all so if you missed it the first time...THAT would be a fun one to check out!

November

Learning to Quiet
"So I am here. Waiting. Living. Loving. And hopefully... Quieting..."

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of It All
"Cry. Cry hard and deep and long and good. Run. Run fast and strong. Beat your chest. Raise your fist to the sky. Shout up at the heavens and scream, "Why?" Fall into a puddle. and cry some more. 
 Sit with your grie.f Your questions. Your anger. Your heartbreak. Feel them deep. Deep into your soul. In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep."

When Tears Come
"Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin. Sometimes the movement in your soul violates the peace, the joy, the radiance He longs to display within all those broken pieces."

December

Open-Handed Love
"You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly. She lets them love me and have a relationship with me And not just me But others too Whom they both love JUST as freely."

When One Shines Brighter
"I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time."

Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All
"So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ... for the mother who mourns for her child, for the soldier far from home, for the loved one dead and gone, for the relationships broken and beyond repair, for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten, this Christmas."

Thank you so much for letting me share my ongoing story with you in this space. Your presence and comments and interactions are a constant gift to me!

When Tears Come...

Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe.
Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin.
Sometimes the movement in your soul
violates the peace,
the joy,
the radiance
He longs to display
within all those broken pieces.

Like a warrior
you fight
Hard and strong,
Swift and sure,
Noble and steady
in your aim.


And then there are days,
weeks,
months,
seasons where
the emptiness is too great to carry,
and you hide away,
fragile from the touch of the world,
lost in a sea of faces,
even the beautiful ones that hold you so dear.

The anguish burns away your passion,
your dreams,
your destiny.

Nothing to hold close
Nothing to draw near
to your heart,
your hand,
your cheek.

And there you stay
for awhile,
as sorrow burns pupils
begging to be released
from the torrent of angst that rages inside.

Until rebelliously
one tear
finds its way
down the curve
of your downcast cheek
past the carefully constructed walls
your heart has long held high.

When tears come,
words fall.

When tears come,
prayers spill forth.

When tears come,
peace floods the abandoned corners,
filling every crook and crack,
lifting shame and condemnation from the shoulders of the weary,
splicing pride and comparison with the very sword of truth,
breathing life into marrow
and felicity into dry bones
where dreams seem lost
and promises seem all-but-about-to-come-true.

And there the still small Voice speaks
with groans that flout intelligence
with whispers that quiet the dissonance
with Light that defies the darkness...

May it be well with your soul, My child, 
right where you are,
right in this season,
right in this moment.

May it be well with your soul.

"Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'” 

~Isaiah 30:19-21 

Also linking up with these beautiful communities....
 Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday, Playdates with God,
 The Soli Deo Gloria party, and In, On, and Around Monday 

and with....
Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, Duane, and Heather
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

also with Michelle and Emily at Imperfect Prose.

So thankful for places like these to share our words together...

Project 365 :: Day 315-328

Outdoor walks, a movie date, visits with old friends and little goddaughters,

 an 80th birthday, Black Friday shopping and more!

Happy holiday month!

Day 315 :: My boys chillin' together 

Day 316 :: Hanging with my Gran-Gran Betty Lou 

Day 317 :: We all need a little Paris in our lives, right? 

Day 318 :: Yeah. We own this place. :-)

Day 319 :: Movie Date with my favorite man!  

Day 320 :: Yeah it was just this kind of the day -- 

the-finish-the-ice-cream-right-out-of-the-carton kind of day!   

Day 321 :: Love her -- little Mace girl

#OurGoddaughter 

Day 323 :: Yay! A visit from "Bames"

It had been over 5 years!

#CollegePalsAreTheBest 

Day 324(1) :: Skyping with my mom in Haiti for Granny's birthday 

Day 324(2) :: Granny with ALL her grands and great-grands 

on her 80th birthday 

Day 325 :: A fall walk 

Day 326 :: Happy Thanksgiving Day from the van Niekerks! 

Day 327(1) :: A 3 am Black Friday photo opp during my first time

Black Friday shopping ever

#SisterFun #NoWeDidNotBuyThisChocolate

Day 327(2) :: I'm always saying what great teeth he has.... ;-) 

Day 328 :: A little more shopping with two of my favorite people!!

I'm on a journey, chronicling my life with a picture a day for a year. I am nearing the end of my journey {less than 40 days left!} and have delighted in the consistent discovery of the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learned more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments. 

{Update: Currently taking the 2nd of two photography classes 
with my sister this fall/winter 2012...very exciting stuff!!}

31 Days of Story {Day 31} Coming Full Circle

So I could not break out of this inner quiet.
The soulful melancholy.
Not for long anyway.
{Read part 1 of this story HERE}

I would push the little extrovert out from her covered shell.

For moments.

Here.

And there.

And it was fun.

Do not get me wrong.

But mostly I felt a little off my game
A little insecure.
A LOT weird.
Kinda overwhelmed.

Until Saturday morning.
When I woke up feeling a little more settled.
A little more like myself.
I reached out to a couple of people I had not bonded with yet that I really wanted to, and we had a group lunch gathering that was just a blessing.

Then I talked to The Nester.
And cried.
For no OBVIOUS reason.
I even laughed as I cried because I felt so silly.
But she was gracious.
And kind.

But that weird up and down feeling inside returned.

So.
I stuck with my friend.
And we ended up in a room
with a couple of other ladies.

And this moment happened.
When one shared her brokenness
Her pain.
Her heartache.
And my spirit was quickened.
Because
I knew that space.
That sorrow.
That desperation.

Jesus opened my mouth
And talked through my vocal chords.
And right there in the Hilton Harrisburg hotel room.
We wept together.

We prayed.
And cried for breakthrough.
And then we introduced ourselves.
And laughed.

Because I did not know her
And she did not know me.
But Jesus knew his girls.
He planned this moment.
He had prepared my heart all weekend to be PRESENT
Here.
Now.

Not because the other ladies could not have handled it.
They are amazing.
And pastors' wives to boot.
So they were all over it.
But because His plan
Was to use me.

I could not be the Life of the Party at Allume
AND the Girl Who Could Recognize The Darkness
All in the same weekend.

Not this time.
It was not His plan.

There are seasons of LOUD
And seasons of QUIET
The quiet is not so easy for the extrovert

So I had to be pressed into THAT moment
And forcibly accepted my assignment for the weekend
even though it was lonely
even later
AGAIN.
When I found myself detached.

But then from that space.
I made two more heart connections, maybe even three, as the weekend progressed.
Right when I would feel sad and lonely and overwhelmed,
God would place me in the path of someone else
who needed that whispered attachment too.

I was coming full circle, back to the quiet little soul that had been birthed on the shores of the Caribbean Sea, back to the analytical calculations of this third-culture kid trying to understand the meaning of "belonging" and "time" and "goodbye", back to the deepest, truest, purest place where Jesus met this little missionary girl as salty breezes christened her tongue and mountain peaks eclipsed her vision, back where deep calls out to the fathomless deep, where my heart finds rest in a Secret Place called Home, in the shelter of His wings.

It was not the conference I planned in my subconscious little extroverted brain,
But it was the conference that HE planned.

Better than I could have imagined.

***

The past 31 days have been a journey in learning to tell my story.
It has been good.
And hard.

Some days I did not want to write.
A lot of days actually.
Sharing your story is vulnerable.
You give a piece of yourself away.
And it is scary.

What if no one reads?
What if no one cares?
What if I cannot do it justice with my written words?

But I wrote on anyway.
Because I knew that I must.
It was time.

I learned.
I grew.
I changed.
I am the better for it.

I hope you have enjoyed this journey with me. And if this is the first day that you are reading, I invite you to go back to the beginning and grow up along with me {quite literally actually!}.

This concludes 31 Days of Story.
But not the story itself.
Stay tuned.

With Jesus,
The best is ALWAYS yet to come.
You can bet the bank on that.

Want to read the entire 31 days of story?

Click here to see a list of all of the posts, updated daily.

If you do not want to miss even ONE day, please subscribe 

at the top of this post by entering your email address.

Also linking with Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, and Duane 
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.

31 Days of Story {Day 27} The Comparison Trap

You could not help but like her.

Her Arkansas drawl, her ear-to-ear smile, her sparkling green eyes
.....and those pipes.

It was hard not to stop and soak in the melodies when this five foot two, perky Southern belle, belted out rifts that could rival Aretha Franklin. It was not uncommon to walk down the 1960's inspired hallways of our dorm and catch girls just standing outside of her door, listening to her practice her musical runs, like they were hoping to get just a glimpse of this star in the making.

 And me, well, I could not deny the overwhelming talent, Candee possessed, but my little heart was crushed and quite frankly, a little....scratch that....A LOT jealous.

Coming from a high school with a graduating class of eleven {oh yeah, you read that right} and a youth group of about fifty, I often led the pack in talent, personality, and character. The proverbial story of being the little fish now in a GREAT BIG pond is not a new one, but for the first time in my life, I found myself feeling truly uninspiring and vitally insignificant.

She was smart, pretty, talented, and funny.

She caught the attention of people, especially boys.
And I could not hold a candle to her.

Or at least, that was how my eighteen year old eyes viewed it.

Jealousy burned deep within my soul, and I hated myself for it.

But in spite of myself and more because of the Father's work in my heart, I took a leap of faith and faced my personal demons, supporting every musical audition, contest, performance, and endeavor for which her firecracker personality and powerhouse voice made space. Months went by until one day when she was the only white girl to be accepted into the Souls Afire campus choir, I felt something different happen in my heart.

True joy.

Sheer delight.

She did it! She did it!
I laughed to myself and I think I even did a little happy dance.

The taste of freedom sweetened on my tongue like ice cream on the 4th of July.

I was free from that ugly monster.

Truthfully and unequivocally free.

As we jubilantly frolicked off to celebrate her new soulful musical journey, I recognized that stirring in my heart to come clean. A time of confession was in order. I blurted out quickly, before I lost my nerve...

"Candee, I am have been jealous of you since I first met you. You are so pretty and you're voice is so amazing. The boys always notice and like you, and I just wanted to have all of those things like you do. But tonight, I don't feel jealous any more. I truly feel happy for you, almost like it was me. I am so sorry. I hope you will forgive me." 

She looked at me with sincerity,

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey. I...have been jealous of....YOU!!"

What?!?!?!?! I thought to myself. The idea was simply ludicrous. What did I have that she did not have? She practically light up a room when she walked in.

"You have this way with people," she carried on. "You always know how to encourage and the right things to say, and people REALLY like you and want to be around you. I wish I could be that way with people."

I started to laugh out loud, long and hard.

"Oh, Candee! Imagine what God must be thinking right now.....'My silly girls...just be who I created you to be. Stop comparing yourselves to each other and trying to be something you were not called to be."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that

we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

Revisited from the archives of March 14, 2012....
Here are my friend Candee's thoughts after reading my original post...

"Literally crying at my keyboard 

remembering that conversation. 

To think it has been fifteen years...wow! 

Thanks for the reminder to be 

who God created me to be no matter what. 

Love you friend!"

Want to read the entire 31 days of story?

Click here to see a list of all of the posts, updated daily.

If you do not want to miss even ONE day, please subscribe 

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