God-Sized Dreams in 2013

When it popped up in my e-mail, "Guess who my featured Five Minute Friday post is this week?" I literally could not believe it.

I know. That sounds like false humility and all, but seriously, I really feel like I am faking this whole blogging/writing thing at least 75-80% of the time. At Allume last year, I would not even read my Five Minute Friday out loud, because I still feel like the girl in the room who speaks a second language, dresses a little weird, and has no idea how to navigate first-world social norms. My sister fakes-it-til-you-make-it  better than I do.

But I love to write. I have a poet's heart and a prosey brain and over the years, I have embraced the view I have on life that is uniquely my own. I see God's handprint, and I celebrate the fact that I am loved by One such as Him.

So I was thrilled, and even did a little happy dance on the inside. Wow! I cannot believe I was chosen.

When I looked later, I found out a little more about the matter. Lisa-Jo had tweeted to the #FiveMinuteFriday gang to give her some feedback on their favorite post of the week, and Tonya, whom I have never talked to or met, even online, shared my link, with no link backs to me so I did not even know it, until after the fact.

No fanfare. No big deal. Just a little tweet.

And I felt simultaneously humbled and ecstatic! {I am an extrovert after all!}

Somehow this whole thing that I dedicate a lot of my time and heart to....is making a difference.
One person.
One tweet at a time.

The next day, I get this Facebook message from a college friend, Anna....

"I thought of you today while listening to a radio program called women of grace. The way the host was so encouraging and passionate reminded me of you. Have you considered going into Christian radio? : )"

My speaker's heart wanted to burst. I had JUST been reading about podcasting WHILE she was typing this message. I have missed teaching and preaching and speaking during our extended sabbatical, and I would love to make space in my world of blogging for some spoken word.

Bottom line.

I love words.
Written.
Spoken.
Public.
Private.
Global.
One-on-one.

I love people.
I love hearing their stories.
I love walking with them through broken places.
I love helping them find their own uniqueness.
I love celebrating that individuality that is all their own.
I love seeing their dreams come true.
I love discipling.
I love making people feel THEY are chosen.
{because, well, it's true!!}

My ex-boyfriend used to say, "Lindsey, you have a heart for everything and every body." I would laugh and think, "What is wrong with that?" The Lord took me on a journey into pastoral ministry where I methodically worked directly with all ages from 2-82 and everything in between, adding more ages groups in as the years passed, and at this point in my life, there is no age that I do not care for, see their unique needs, and long to help in that way.

I have not talked much about this yet because I SO wanted to be clear, concise, and orderly, but the chaos that is my brain will not give me that luxury so I shall share nonetheless.

For 2013, I am purposefully embracing my God-sized dreams. I am joining 99 other ladies as we jump off the cliff called SAFE into the unknown. Holley Gerth is our guide through this journey along with the Holy Spirit of course, and I am delighted to be taking this challenge.

Did I say delighted?
I meant to say DELIGHTFULLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! ;-)

So since I am having a hard time "narrowing down" ONE God-sized dream to focus on, I thought I would just share them all. I, know...crazy, right? To put myself out there like that. Remember I told you....I have always been a LITTLE different from the status quo.

Okay here are my dreams {at least what I can think of at the moment} in no particular order::

* Become a licensed counselor
* Become a bonafide author
* Become a college professor
* Work again in full time ministry
  {even if that looks different that it has in the past}
* Be completely free from chronic pain
* Become a mother
* Get paid for my art 
  {writing, speaking, photography}
* Become a graphic designer {maybe}
* Be in control of my own schedule 
  without financial worry
* Be the kind of wife who enthusiastically 
  supports my husband's dreams
* Live life to the fullest 
  and continue to dream even more!

Okay, that is good for now I suppose....I want to expound and quantify and add to but I think that will come in other posts. I have a whole year after all, eh?

But you know what would be REALLY COOL and SO VERY EXCITING FOR ME??!!??

Would you join me in this God-sized dream journey?

Pinterest via The Artsy Girl Studio

My friend, Holly, will be blogging about it lots and she wrote the coolest e-book, The "Do What You Can" Plan, so you can follow and read along with her as well as with me here. If this just speaks to your heart, gives you that little leap inside, will you let me know below?

If you are like me, and are just not sure what your God-sized dreams are or how to focus on them, tell me that too! We will figure it out together somehow, stumbling through the dark. We have an amazing Guide, keeping us safe as we navigate this new territory.

Also.....and this is sort of awkward to ask....but if you know me, either online or in real life, would you weigh in some of the dreams that I shared with you? Because my dreams are all about people, knowing which ones influence people the most, might help me to figure out the God-sized dream for THIS season, ya know? I would definitely appreciate it...especially those of you {lurkers} who read but do not comment...would you DE-LURK, just for this one?  Thank you!!

Happy dreaming...

"If you keep on believing, the God-sized dream that you wish really will come true."
{modified from Cinderella}

When You Just Cannot Make Sense of it All

Maybe you just lost someone.
Someone you loved with all of your heart.
Someone who meant the world.
Someone whose presence the world is now oh-so-empty without.

Maybe the dream that you have longed for
The one you imagined as a little girl
The one that would make life just perfect
Has all but broken your blooded hands
As the doors have slammed over and over again.

Maybe you just feel desperate
The walls are closing in
The bills are piling up
Your health and mind are not what they should be, what they used to be
You wonder if healing and breakthrough will ever come

The kids have destroyed the house, the car, the yard, the neighborhood.
The man you loved, and to whom you gave half your life, walked out the door
The woman who pledged I'll-keep-your-secrets-and-you-keep-mine friendship just broke your heart
The believers, the brothers and sisters of His body, turned their back on you in your hour of need.

When life is just so hard
And you wonder how to make sense of it all.

Cry.
Cry hard and deep and long and good.

Run.
Run fast and strong.
Beat your chest.
Raise your fist to the sky.
Shout up at the heavens
and scream, "Why?"
Fall into a puddle.
and cry some more.

Sit with your grief
Your questions
Your anger
Your heartbreak
Feel them deep
Deep into your soul
In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep

Embrace your sorrow
Your should-have-beens
Your wish-it-could-haves
Your want-it-back-that-way

And cry.
Cry some more.

Let yourself mourn.
Give space to be broken
Let go of perfect
Release the noisy pressure of "Its-time-to-let-go!!" pounding in your head
Breathe deep again.

Grieve hard and strong and long, if needed.
Throw out the timelines.
Forget the try-hards.
Abandon should-bes.

Let yourself be human
Real.
Raw.
Afraid.
Honest.
Broken.

Scream into the pillow
Or punch it.
Let the rage run its course.

Walk out into the crisp cold night.
Let the tears come
Draw ragged breaths over and over again
Let your soul mourn.

Cry again.
A lot.
Until you think there are no tears left to cry
And then ...
Cry some more.

And day-by-day
As you let the anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration out,

Breathe in grace and truth and love and mercy

Let it wash over you

Let the contours of your soul find rest

A 

little

more

each 

day.

Exhale hurt.

Inhale grace.

Exhale heartache.

Inhale joy.

Exhale injustice.

Inhale mercy.

Exhale brokenness.

Inhale healing.

And one day...

you will begin to see

that the grace....

....outweighs the sorrow.

May it be well with your soul

As you plumb the gaping depths of your brokenness.

May the warrior be the child

As you crawl into the arms of the Father.

May your scars remind you that you are real

As you see the miraculous signs of healing.

May you be patient with your heart in the process.

May you find refuge in the shelter of His wings.

May you know how desperately you are loved.

May you feel Him wipe every tear from your eye.

Also linking with Jennifer, Mary Beth, Ann, and Duane 
and the encouraging communities they have created here on the web.
So thankful for places like these to share our words...

The Miracle of the Little Things

"Ow!"

I said to myself as I woke up with this nagging thingamagjig moving around my eye. I blinked a bit and pressed my eye, and went on to get dressed.

I visited with my mom, met the French lady from California waiting in our house for her friend to arrive from the airport, baked cookies, and planned for the day. All the while, the foreign entity in my eye just would not seem to quit its persistent annoyance. We searched for drops to bring some ease, alas to no avail. I scoured Google for natural cures, imploying them immediately with vigor gaining only increasingly, severe irritation for my trouble.

With frustration and exhaustion, I collapsed upon my bed fighting tears and hysteria. {Sometimes reading Google DOES NOT help the psyche}.

Yet in the midst of the unrelenting aggravation, I couldn't help but think about those little things.

You know the little foxes that ruin the vines....

...getting rained on on the way to a meeting
...babies and pets throwing up on those newly cleaned floors
...constant nuisance of an invisible speck in the eye

Little agitations and frustrations fling unwittingly into the day and threaten to overthrow our sanity. Before we even know it, we find annoyances and hurts and anger to be our companions. They destroy our peace and shatter the cadence by which we move and breathe.

When no relief would come to my eye, I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, and when I awoke, the pain and redness and displeasure was completely gone.

I fought the rest because I had "things to do" and "came to Haiti to help" but apparently, for today at least, those were not in the plans.

Just like my body needed tears and rest to heal itself, so does my soul, my heart, my character.

And while the little things COULD destroy me, they could also be the very thing that lead me back to the safety of His arms, if only I take the time to trust in His ways.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”

~Psalm 91:1-2

20 Questions for 2011

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~{RE}discovering God's heart and seeing how His hand has

& continues to redeem the broken pieces in my life

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Adjusting to life not being in full-time ministry and how I viewed myself

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~2 part-time jobs where I can set my own schedule

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~I don't think this would be considered unexpected,

but the fact that I am still dealing with unclear chronic pain

for going on 3 years now has been an ongoing obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

~Redemption. Grace. Rediscovery.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011

(don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Peace. Rest. Quiet.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

~Relaxation. Rest. Change.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Grace for the Good Girl, all of Ted Dekker's 2011 releases

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~Arno, my bffs, Tricia & Alison, my parents, my sister,

my bloggy friends, including Relevant & (in)courage ladies

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~a radical change from heavy brokenness to amazing redemption

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Last year at this time, my heart was broken, held together with Scotch tape.

This year the beauty HE filled into the cracks is amazing!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~In the midst of my broken heart last year, I did not know

WHERE God was and often wondered if He had abandoned me.

My relationship with Him has changed into one

that I have never had before although I accepted Him into my heart

as a little girl.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~I do not know if I have had MUCH change in this area

due to the fact that my life is limited in physical ways,

however, that has helped me emotionally and spiritually

to stop striving so much because I have been forced to slow down.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~Although I am an extrovert, I had been deeply hurt by "people"

and felt innately sensitive and and angry.

So I often pulled away. Although I am still working on this.

My 31 days of {RE}discovering the Lord in October

culminating in my surprise open door to the Relevant conference,

seemed to open that door wide open.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Being able to set my own schedule.

Having variety within my job description.

Exercising both my left & right brains

through both organizational skill and creative outlets

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Finding the balance with how to manage my time the best

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Worry and anxiety when I should have been trusting and resting in Him

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Growing as a writer. Loving on people.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~God is working in the details

even when I think He was forgotten or abandoned me.

His love for me looks, practically, different than what I expected.

And His plans for me are more creative

than the space I had previously given Him to work in me.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

~Stand and watch in amazement at how God redeems your broken pieces.

Check out my 2010 Reflection Q&A.

Five Minute Friday: The Transformation of Tired

Do you have just 5 minutes today to share your heart, your words, your soul? Join me, Lisa-Jo, and these lovely wordsmiths and just write....for 5 minutes....won't you give it a try?

Today's prompt.....

TIRED

GO.

I sit here fingers posed, waiting for the seconds to tick down to tell me when my 5 minutes begin.
As I sit there, I ponder.

What does "tired" mean to me.....today?

Today as the first day of December has just slipped into the second.
Today when I just hours before poured out my heart on post and screen about my struggle and my hope for this Christmas season.
Today when I think about the words I penned about the changes that my issues with health have racked upon my body.

How do I sum up "tired" neat and tidy in 5 minutes when tired seems to have become a part of my soul?

And yet....
has it really?

In the midst of the health issues, the baby longings, the questions about purpose and future and dreams, somehow, somewhere, some way, the tired turned into something more -- strength, hope, courage, faith -- and yet nothing really changed.

Except me.

Now I am tired of believing the lies.
Tired of regrets
Tired of living in yesterday.
Tired of holding on to what "could have been" for "what WILL SURELY BE."


STOP.

#JustWrite

After writing for 31 days straight, coming off of an incredible conference in Pennsylvania at Relevant, and reading through post upon post of new friends and others's experiences, not to mention all of the cool giveaways linked up at The Nester's blog, I planned NOT to write today, but something inside of me felt incomplete, unfulfilled, lacking in some way.

And since I have devoured my Twitter feed in a whole new way since returned from Relevant '11, I kept seeing #JustWrite come up, so I after a few of those subtle reminders, I thought, "Lindsey, JUST WRITE!"

You see, I have so much that I have learned, so much that God had been teaching me, such buried treasure He has spent time digging up inside of my very soul. I am not sure what to do with it all quite yet, not sure how to put the lessons into words, the journey into purpose, the destiny into magic.

So I #JustWrite because I must. I am a writer. Words are the tools with which I craft my art. This mechanical contraption with fruitful heritage becomes the instrument where I can breath life into my ordinary moments.

I pause. I ponder. I wonder. How to do this without editing, without fixing, without fuss.
I discovered this weekend that I am not naturally gifted in the freedom of allowing words to flow freely like a river from my soul, crashing, caressing, weaving their refreshment onto the souls of those with whom their paths may cross.

So I #JustWrite.

I simply let my heart go, let my mind loose, let my meditations find wings.

Or at least I try.

Because I am not just a blogger.
A girl with a computer, writing her stories, her travels, her heartbeat, her song
A women who find beauty in brokenness.
I am an artist.
His creative palate which which He paints a beautiful portrait of His purpose and His life.
I am free to be.

To be.
To be ALL that He has called and meant for me to be,
Since before the foundation of time where He took my place
that I might live

this life fill with freedom

and purpose

and destiny

and wholeness.

So, I......

#JustWrite.

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 30 - The Disappointing

It hit me like a sucker punch.

"Your writing is not good enough.

What made you think you belonged here?

You are not a writer. You're just a poser."

I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breath
A plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.

Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.


I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.

Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.

Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....

"God appoints people who disappoint to point

to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."

She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?

The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.

Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.

{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.

Why?

Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!

#MakeTHUNDERsistas

Source

Previous - Day 29 :: The Becoming

Next - Day 31 :: The Pursuit

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 21 - The Beyond

GO.

Beyond the ordinary.
Beyond what seems possible.
Beyond the ceiling of limitations.
Beyond your wildest dreams.

That is who He is to me.
He is the One who sees beyond what I can see,
beneath the surface of what IS,
behind the walls of darkness that try to swallow whole
our goals
our dreams
our destiny.

HE SEES.

Beyond.

When I look through His eyes, love with His heart, walk in His image...
He teaches me to...

to go
beyond
the obvious
the hurting
the power
the rage
the desperation.

In myself and in those with whom He places in my path
if I can see beyond,
if you can view beyond,
imagine,
just imagine with me
the beauty
that COULD be
the wonder that is in store
when beyond our human understanding
we see the purpose He has planned

Beyond our human imagination....

STOP.

{RE}discovery :: I am on a 31 day journey of {RE}discovering Him - His purpose, His heartbeat. Wrapping my mind around His BIG-ness, the magnitude of His power & love, gives me a new glimpse into WHO He is and WHO I can be IN Him.

Previous - Day 20 :: The Value

Next - Day 22 :: The Dance

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 18 - The Hard

Sometimes life is hard.

Sometimes you wake up in the morning expecting one thing and by the end of the day you are saying goodbye to someone you love.

Sometimes your day is spent in the hospital with not one, not two, but three loved ones with ailing bodies.

Sometimes you experience "the hard" and sometimes you are there to help others through THEIR hard, even if just for a short portion of their day.

Today was that day for me.

Today was a day that I could take a step out in those callings, desires, giftings that burn my eyes with tears or simply tug at the recesses of my heart and give love to those I love, when they were hurting.

I wish I could have done more, stayed longer, loved better, but I took my first step back into the game. I did what I could, what my body allowed for today, and tried to just BE THERE, like He is for me.

{RE}discovery :: When He is strong IN me, real TO me, there FOR me, He gives me something to give into others' lives, no matter how small or insignificant....nothing He uses is every wasted!!

Previous - Day 17 :: The Strongest

Next - Day 19 :: The I Am

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 12 - The Broken

Today I read Emily's post at Chatting at the Sky about why we cry, where the tears come from, and how they connect to our heart, our calling, our purpose.

You really should read the post.

It is JUST -- THAT GOOD -- SERIOUSLY!!

So I started thinking about what brings tears to my eyes.

Six months ago, her video clip about her book, Grace for the Good Girl, came out, and I just wept in the recognition that "I am that girl." It fueled my journey through grace and redemption even more.

I randomly put on the Lifetime channel on Sunday night as I was winding down to sleep. I didn't know what I was watching at first, and then I realized it was 5 stories of women with breast cancer. If I had realized, I probably would not have watched it. I don't like to watch things that I know will make me sad. But I am glad I didn't know ahead of time because it moved me so much - their stories, their sorrow, their brokenness, their families, their heartaches -- so powerful!

This morning, I listened again to the Come Home song by Meredith Andrews that I posted in yesterday's post, and I cried all over again. I discovered the inspiration behind her song was her prodigal brother -- was close to the Father, but had walked away -- and I thought of the prodigals that I know, and those that I do not. And my heart longed to tell, to scream, to shout to them....COME HOME!

And then I read Emily's words ::

"Here is where your heart beats strong.

Here is a hint to your design.

Here is a gift from your inner life,

sent to remind you those things that make you come alive."

and the tears came.

And I realized that my tears come for broken people.

I have always known, probably since I was a teenager, that I wanted to work with people, in some way shape or form, and I have done that in full time ministry for 10 years.

But I had to take some time away, for many reasons, but one was because I was broken....still am in many ways.

I have experienced brokenness these past few years in a way that I never knew possible.

But now....

I understand broken people a little better...a little more...

I can SEE brokenness in others with more keenness and awareness than before.

And since....

I carry my own scars.

I have a testimony that maybe will open the door of broken hearts for me to come in.

I cry as I write this.

I look up to Heaven and I say, "THANK YOU!"

Then I laugh at myself while tears still stream down my face,

Am I really here?

Have I really arrived at this place

where I can say "Thank You"

from the depths of my heart

and mean it....truly mean it?

I am scared to say YES, scared of what might come of all of this, but I cannot dispute the joy that bubbles deep....oh so deep.....that cannot help but overflow in laughter from my lips.....I feel like a crazy person! Laughing with soulful mirth while shedding tears like unspoken words.

And I know it's not over.

I know that I'm not finished with my own sorrows and heartaches.

I know, too, that I am changed forever, and for a long time, that hurt so desperately.

There is a pain that struggles to find voice when one feels they have lost the essence of themselves.

But maybe that is not so bad anymore.

Maybe, oh maybe, dare I say it, maybe even better???

Hahahahahahahaha!!

Oh, I have to laugh now.

At the wonder of our Savior, our Creator, our Father, our Friend.

{RE}discovery :: Maybe this broken little girl can walk NOW into others' broken places with the gentle grace of the Shepherd that she learned in her valley of the shadow of death.

And maybe, it really could be "worth it all."

{this post has a video}

Previous - Day 11 :: The Letting-Go

Next - Day 13 :: The Wisdom

31 Days of {RE}discovering Him :: Day 1 - The Beginning

I've kind of been putting off writing this all day....

Maybe because I am scared.

Maybe because I don't know if I can truly do this challenge.

Maybe because I couldn't figure out how to make my own badge. {sad}

But I am determined to move forward with this.

What is THIS??

{RE}discovering Him.

His heart.
His plans.
His purpose.
His desires

The way He see me.
The way I relate to Him.
The way He loves the world.
The way He values me.

And. So. Much. More.

But I am scared because I have been terrified to "get to know" this God that I have loved since I was 4 years old all over again. The hurt and the pain that I have gone through since then makes me hesitant to trust all over again, and yet, I know deep in the fiber of my being that nothing else is quite as good, as amazing, as perfect as His love, grace, and mercy.

I have been thinking about this for weeks, so I thought about planning my posts ahead of time, but then I thought, these 31 days should TRULY be about discovery. Some days I may reflect on lessons I have been learning all along, but I am really hoping/praying/believing that most of the days will be filled beautiful revelations along the way.

I am counting on that.

Will you join me in {RE}discovering Him too?

I finally figured out how to do a banner & a badge -- I liked the banner better! ;-)

Next - Day 2 :: The Reason

You Are Irreplaceable!

I had only been married 6 months, and I began to feel insignificant.

No one told me what a crisis of identity a woman can often face when she is Mrs-So-and-So instead of the Sassy-and-Single-yet-Confident-Woman I had worked years to cultivate.

Now I was a wife.

I felt boring and redundant, not striking or special.

And to top it all off, with my new husband joining the ministry team at church, he could do everything that I did {and better}, not to mention the office assistant that I had been training for a couple of years who could mimic my admin skills almost to a tee.

I felt irrelevant, insignificant,VERY REPLACEABLE.

I went to the visiting female minister, and she prayed for me and challenged me not to be in competition with my husband.
Wow!
A hard pill to swallow, but ultimately wasn't that what I was doing??
I didn't want to do that. I did NOT want to be "that girl."

I wanted to be an AH-MA-ZING wife - this ideal I had in my mind that a WIFE was supposed to be - heck, I might have even been working towards Stepford.

Except.

I don't have a formal, Stepford, sweet, perfectly-presented personality.

AT. ALL.

And even when you know this proving-yourself-competitive-attitude is wrong, how do you change it?

Then one day, about a year after we were married, Arno's spiritual father spoke a word into my life that radically transformed my present and would forever shape the way I viewed myself in my marriage.

"Lindsey, you are NOT called to be everyone's wife; you were called to be ARNO's wife."

So simple, but what a revelation!

What my husband's needs are may not be another husband's needs therefore the title of "wife" in my house will look very different to the next person.

And I realized that this bled over into every relationship in my life - no one could be ME better than me. Nobody could fill the role that God had called me to fill BUT me. Even if someone is more beautiful, more talented, more successful, more whatever, no one....and I mean NO ONE....can replace me.

Because my worth and value come from the Father who placed me in seasons, in situations, in relationships.

HE. PLACED. ME.

I am irreplaceable.

And so are you, my dear, precious friend.
You are the ONLY one who can love your children the best.
You are the ONLY one who can take care of your husband the sweetest.
You are the ONLY one who can hold your friends' hand in the middle of her circumstances the way that YOU do.

You are the ONLY you that the world will ever know!

You, my amazing, awesome, breath-taking pal, are IRREPLACEABLE!

"Use the talents you possess for imagine how silent the woods would be if the only birds that sang were the best."

What If Blessings Come In Disguise?

I don't think Abraham's story truly held me in the grip of understanding until today.

Don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to understand this great man of faith or hold myself in comparison to his journey, however, I think I "get" him, just a little better since traveling through these past few years of TTC (trying to conceive).

Today I read Abraham's testing of faith concerning his promised son, Isaac, with new eyes today, and I wondered, "How did Abraham feel? What emotions coursed through his veins in this story that is surmised in one chapter of our modern day Bibles?"

So if you will travel this path with me, here is what I imagine the emotions and thoughts behind the scenes to have been like....

One day the Lord came to speak to me. I always love when He speaks to me....but this day was...well....different...just check it out....

"Abraham! Abraham!"

"Yes, Lord! I am here!"

"Take your son, Isaac, the one you love SO VERY MUCH, to sacrifice him on the mountain I will show you as a burnt offering to me."

"Yes, Lord!"

Did I just say 'Yes!'? What is the Lord asking of me? How can I give my boy, my son, my source of blessing BACK to the Lord? How can I kill him with my own hands? Why is God asking this of me? Didn't I wait long enough for this precious boy? How can God end it like this? But what can I do? I will put my trust in the Lord that His plans are best, but He is going to have to give me strength to do this.

The journey took us 3 days. Isaac was so willing, so trusting. I felt like a traitor. I mean, I AM HIS FATHER. He is supposed to be able to trust me. He doesn't know what the Lord is asking me to do. When he asked me where the sheep was for the burnt offering, I told him that the Lord would provide. Oh, I pray that I am not lying to my son.

When we arrived at the place that God had sent us, I built an altar. The whole time I was building, I thought surely the Lord has another plan, another way. I felt anger, bitterness, resentment, vying for first place in my being, but I fought them. "My Lord, I trust in you."

Then came the moment when I had to put my son on the altar. His face.....I will never forget the face....the way he looked at me with fear and questioning and yet he said nothing. As tears poured down my face and his, I told him, "You are the sacrifice that the Lord has asked for." I picked up the knife while my hand trembled. Could I really do this? How would I explain this to Sarah when I got home? I had to be done with it.

"I love you, son," I sobbed as I raised the knife to pour my son's blood.

At that very moment, I heard his voice again, "Abraham! Put the knife down. Don't harm your son in any way. I see your heart is for me, even to the point of giving your only son."

Then God provided a ram, and Isaac and I sacrificed it. I called the place "Yahweh-Yireh" - "The Lord will provide." Oh how Isaac and I laughed, danced, and rejoiced in the presence of the Lord and in each other's embrace.

Then this is what the Lord said to me,

"Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and sand on the seashore. Yours descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed --all because you have obeyed me."

Yeah. That was quite a day - a day for the history books. I wanted to write it down because I don't know yet WHAT it means or what God is going to do, but He is amazing, and I thought you should know.

This song has been resounding in my heart and spirit over the past few days, and I have been wanting to share it here, but hadn't found quite the words to go with it.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is

the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?"

I think this is what happened to Abraham....the longing, the waiting, the desiring led him to a place where only God's love & grace could satisfy, no matter the cost.

I, too, am on this journey, and to be honest, I am scared to pieces, but like Abraham I want to declare, "YAHWEH-YIREH - My God SHALL supply!"

So I will just put one foot in front of the other, and maybe some days, I will sit down and cry, and other days, I will fight on, trusting that His blessings may be in disguise along the way.

And you know.....I sure don't want to miss those.

Zechariah 9:11-12 (New Living Translation)

11 Because of the covenant I made with you,

sealed with blood,

I will free your prisoners

from death in a waterless dungeon.

12 Come back to the place of safety,

all you prisoners who still have hope!

I promise this very day

that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.

Join me at the jam....






*Story of Abraham & Isaac adapted from Genesis 22
*If you would like to know Laura Story's personal testimony behind the above song, check out this clip:

Going Home (Multitude Monday 100-120)

Her breaths become shallower and shallower. At first they are deep gasps for breath through long moments of apnea broken only by the sounds of the oxygen tank. Her breathing remains this way for several days. We make her comfortable. We moisten her tongue. We give her medication. We soothe her with words, with songs, with praise, and with His love.

Hospice comes. They are precious, fearless warriors paving the way through the final battle. They say, "It will be today."

And so we wait. We continue with our routine. We, these caretakers, who have know her months, weeks, and some, even just days, and yet our lives are forever intwined with Mrs. Frances, continue with this commission given to us not by her son, but by THE SON.

And then her breathing changes. The breaths are small and close. We are thankful for the expert prayer warrior, who has walked this path with others before, who comes to hold her hand and ours.

The worship music plays, as it has for hours. I choose certain songs that I think soothe or "fit the moment" and then the end is nearer so I leave my playlist on random.

And then it happens. That moment when Heaven opens up. That moment when we as 3 dimensional creatures get the smallest glimpse into the 4th dimension. There is such beauty in these moments that we are simultaneously at peace and yet uncomfortable. We speak of Mrs. Frances seeing her beloved husband whose passing came 22 years before her own. And then we talk of her dancing, dancing, dancing with her GREAT BELOVED. What a wonder and a joy "to shuffle off this mortal coil"! And then we realize that she is truly gone.

And then I hear it....the music.....this song that I have heard before.....sung on numerous occasions.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Look full in His wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace."

A message from the Father.....don't worry.....she is seeing MY face.....she is home!!

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Continuing to count my gifts....

Gratitude - a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours;

the state of feeling grateful

#101 - each breath I am given

#102 - being able to be "useful" and "have purpose" in someone's life

#103 - words of kindness and encouragement from others

#104 - re-connecting with old friends

#105 - finding "kindred spirits" even in unlikely places

#106 - LIMES!

#107 - Knowing that I am redeemed

#108 - Experiencing His grace...over...and over....and over again

#109 - Loving and being loved by some amazing women God has given me

#110 - shopping with my sister

#111 - finding GREAT deals with my remaining "Christmas gift money"

#112 - getting two new coats as part of those GREAT deals!

#113 - laughing about fun, new, "married" topics with my sis

#114 - having a heart-to-heart with my sister....so good!

#115 - connecting with the Father in corporate prayer

#116 - learning how much I need Him...AGAIN....and AGAIN

#117 - living life/planning towards the future with my husband

#118 - 100 ideas for posts in this blogging world

#119 - HOPE that does not disappoint because it rests in HIM ALONE

#120 - Unconditional Love

I have joined The Gratitude Community -- a place to be inspired by others and what God is doing in their lives, a chance to share my own journey of gratitude, and an opportunity to REMEMBER to be grateful in ALL things. So on Mondays, I will add to my list of 1000 gifts of all the graces God has provided in my life. Would you consider joining me? Even if you don't blog, you can join the gratitude community by starting a gratitude journal, mentionning your gifts on Facebook, or sending e-mails to your friends. Let's work together to help in creating a more thankful, joyous world!!

Join me at....

AND

Oh Christmas Tree!

I have always hated taking down the Christmas tree, ever since I was a little girl. Sometimes as a teenager or college student, my parents would do it on a night that I was out with friends because I hated it so much. It seems like such an end to me of the holiday that I SO look forward to plus my whole family always goes together each year to pick out the tree at a tree farm, so I have to say goodbye to our time-consuming, hand-picked beauty. Also after all the time decorating and making it perfect, who wants to have to put it away and go back to REAL life!! HA!

This year wasn't any different. My parents are home for Christmas from Haiti, and next week we are hosting a gala event commemorating the one year anniversary of the earthquake last year. Then they leave once again for Haiti two days later. So this weekend the tree HAD to come down. Of course, Arno & I could do it AFTER they leave, but that just seemed SUPER sad.

So we worked on it today -- me & Mom & Dad, and although I still loathe doing it, it wasn't so bad! I decided to organize all of the boxes and categorize them with all the various Christmas items. Somehow creating order in chaos made things seem better.

It made me think about the Lord and how He works with us. The process is often messy just like with our tree.


It was REAL dry this year(and YES, we did water it!) so when Dad took off the ornaments and lights, the needles just fell off and it created this green carpet on the floor. Mom and I had to sweep and vacuum twice, but eventually the carpet was clean again. Organizing the boxes and getting things straight was MUCH messier WHILE the process was happening, but in the end, all was righted. And best of all, next year, finding exactly what we are looking for will be simple.

So back to how God works with us.....sometimes it is so messy and when He is getting rid of things that are dying, the process is painful and leaves us feeling barren and exposed. However, once He has removed the junk and sorted out all the "stuff" in our lives, the work He has done carries over into our future. We then see that His deep and thorough threads, weaving bolding through our lives, are not in vain but makes our lives much easier in the long run.

"....His yoke is easy, His burden is light...."