It hit me like a sucker punch.
"Your writing is not good enough.
What made you think you belonged here?
You are not a writer. You're just a poser."
I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breathA plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.
Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.
I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.
Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.
Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....
"God appoints people who disappoint to point
to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."
She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?
The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.
Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.
{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.
Why?
Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!
Previous - Day 29 :: The Becoming
Next - Day 31 :: The Pursuit
32 comments:
I had my own moments of hideous doubt over the weekend. I was so blessed by the encouragement of everyone there, and of course by the timely, powerful message of Ann's. Let's make thunder, friend :)
Honestly, I don't often tear up at blogs, and you have me in tears, so I think you are a pretty darn great writer!!!
Mmm... Thank you for this sweet reminder! I'm so thankful to have discovered your voice, here in this place, and especially in person this weekend. You are a gift, friend!
YES! I love how you put this into words. Just completely love it. You express the heart cry of so many of us and what we felt this weekend, in each of the situations. Beautiful expression, Lindsey, of truth. Ready to make thunder with you.
Love love love this, Lindsey. Way to turn an attack into a victory. <3
Yeeeeessss!!! This was beautiful!! I loved every word and am thrilled to haveer you! Make thunder and don't stop writing!
That should be "thrilled to have MET you" oops!
Lovely post. Have felt all those emotions over the course of my writing career. What a victory when Christ breaks in and gives us clarity in the midst of our doubt.
YOU ARE A WRITER. Don't listen to the enemy try to take that away from you!!! Keep your thunder rolling. :-)
Don't ever let the Enemy take hold like that. It's not from the Lord, that criticism. Ann has a way of making us rip off bandaids, doesn't she? Look it in the eye, face it, and accept all the gifts the Lord gives us. The sisters this weekend... I didn't get to meet you but I wish I had. You ARE a writer. Bless you!
this is lovely. "we need to make thunder so others know the rain is coming" the healing is on its way. beautiful. wish i could have been there. i am hopeful for next year. you keep writing dear friend. pour out your heart. i am blessed
Outstanding!
Your words caressed my spirit ... soothing to quiet that voice that wants me (us) to fail! Flowing easy and reassuring over my soul.
I see Him in your Words ... Him saying, look at My Girl ... hear what she says...
Thank you.
Blessings
oh girl. you can write. and powerfully too. don't listen to those lies--but be encouraged. he only whispers those doubts to people whose words are making a difference. bless you.
Oh, those lies, that want to thwart and misdirect... Keep making thunder friend, and let the rains fall. <3
I have heard those lies myself. Just keep blocking them out with your thunder! Love that thought--make thunder!
Visiting from Emily's...
I'm glad that you rediscovered His purpose for your prose. :) Lovely.
Yes! Love making thunder with you, sweet friend! It is crazy how we all dealt with those insecurities, I am finding, as I read through post-Relevant posts. Love to you!
Awww...Carrie! That is so kind! Wow! I appreciate that so much!
oh, friend! YOU, too, are MY gift! Thank you for your kind words!
Yay! Have enjoyed making thunder with you and looking forward to more! I am realizing, as you said, that so many of us feel that desperation inside of inadequacy or comparison. I love that HE is the rain....puts it all in perspective!
Thanks, friend! And thanks for letting me vent during this learning curve!
Thank you, Kris! And me you!! Listening to your thunder from afar!
Yes! Thank you, Shelly! He has done marvelous things in and through us!
Oh, thank you, Sharon! I really appreciate that so much!
Thank you, friend! It is encouraging to have the voices out there together, speaking life into each other, making thunder together!
Thank you so much! I am sorry that you were unable to be there, but if you can next year, it was so powerful, so beautiful!
Oh, you bless me with your words...with His words spoken....thank you!
Emily, you have a gift, not only in how you write your own posts, but in how you comment to others. You always speak to the person's heart. I learn from you! Thank you for that...for your REAL-ness!
Amen. I will make thunder...with you!!
It is beautiful imagery, isn't it? I loved that from Anne. So powerful! Thank you so much for visiting.
Thank you, Rachel! I appreciate it!
Lindsey, I can so relate to this inner -- and very real -- battle. I am so grateful to have met you last week, and I pray that you continue to go forward, with the beautiful, powerful mission He has ahead for you! Keep writing! :) Much love to you ~ Jennifer
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