{RE}discovering Him :: Day 25 - The Grace

I stepped out into the crisp, night air pausing for a moment to adjust my eyes to the darkness falling across the farm lands surrounding me. I carefully crept to my car so as not to trip over toys left over from the day's play. I un-shouldered my heavy load, grabbed my keys, my phone, and walked to the driver's seat. I sank into the warmth of the car, and then I remembered,

"My cell died."

My heart sank.

I knew that the next 35 minutes, I would be "alone", cut off from even the ability to communicate, and I hate that. I mean I REALLY hate that.

Photo Credit

The home office that I work from is off the beaten path, so the drives back & forth home are usually my time to catch up with my best friend, my sister, or a friend that I haven't connected to in awhile. I'm an extrovert {an ENFJ to be exact}, and I like to fill up as much of my time "connecting with people" as possible or "stimulating my senses" in some way {games, TV, movies, etc}. I try to do nothing alone....I have only recently {past 2 years} found freedom in being alone in my own house.

So when I realized that I would be "alone", I thought,

"Well, I could talk.....to HIM."

And then a flood of emotions filled me -- anxiety, panic, fear....what will I say? what shall we talk about? why is He so hard to connect to sometimes?

And then....why do I feel this way about the One I love...and more importantly, the One who loves me so very much?

And now shame, embarrassment, & sorrow sting my senses.

And therein lies my problem...a reminder of my turn in this journey, a bend in the road.....

You see....

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 4 years old, and I never really looked back. Truly.

As a kid growing up in Haiti, my mom taught us Sunday school every Sunday morning, and we did devotions every Sunday night. On furlough, we attended church 2x on Sunday and of course, Wednesday night Bible study. As a teenager, add Friday night youth and any activity, fundraiser, event that was planned. As a freshman in college, I longed to connect and belong, and I quickly fell into the same routine -- Sunday morning church, Sunday night at campus church, Thursday night devos with our floor chaplain...and it continued and grew as I became a chaplain {add Monday nights with the campus pastors plus "dorm group" with my head chaplain. My senior year, I became the head chaplain....and well...you get the picture.

This continued after college when I got involved in full time ministry, co-founded a young adult Bible study, took mission teams overseas, in addition to all the weekly church meet ups. As the years have gone by the responsibilities have grown and I have found myself constantly connecting or being connected through some type of meeting, service, small group, event, conference, etc -- you name it {from the church stand point} and I have probably been a part of it both as a participant & a leader.

And then a year ago, my life radically changed.

And. I. MEAN. RADICALLY.

We took a sabbatical from full time ministry.

We moved back to the home town my parents grew up in.

Arno got a "lay" job.

I focused on my health and took on part time work here and there.

And suddenly my whole identity/connection/relationship with God had shifted.

I didn't know what to make of it at first.

It scared me. Terrified me. Had me shaking in my boots.

What was I now....??

Who was I apart from this ministry persona that has identified from childhood, through adolescence and on into my adulthood?

I found myself in this transitional, disconnected, disoriented state and I felt alone, ashamed, defeated....far from the One Who had loved me my whole life.

photo credit

And I couldn't pray the same way.

I couldn't read my Bible the same.

I struggled to do "quiet time"

I felt so inadequate.

And yet, my heart, my soul, every fiber of my being cried for the One who makes me complete, so when I would lean into Him, and allow Him to connect to me....I would hear one word....

Grace.

Grace, my child.

Grace.

On that dark ride home, these memories, His lessons flashed before me in a few seconds, and I did what He has taught me to do...leaned into Him, fell back on Him.

And I began to dream, to create, to ponder, to plan...in my mind, my heart, my soul...and suddenly I knew He was there....actually I should say I FELT Him there because He always was, right?....speaking to me in the way HE made me, the way that takes the pressure, the perfectionism, the performance out of the equation.

I had a beautiful ride with my Jesus. He showed me His heart. I looked at His world {again} with new eyes. He reminded me that I don't have to prove anything, be anything, do anything to be loved.

I simply am.

{RE}discovery :: When I lose my way, get overwhelmed, and feel confused as to how to even talk to HIM, He lovingly, gently draws me back...back into the Arms of Grace -- where there are no schedules, no parameters, no guidelines. Just Grace.

Previous - Day 24 :: The Revealing

Next - Day 26 :: The Dream