Releasing To The Fall

I have long had a fascination with personality types, even as as child I think, though I may not have understood exactly what I was analyzing at that point.

The natural bent towards psychology in my undergrad probably seemed natural to most people, because of this, although I still waited 3 semesters before choosing it. AND then I added communications, too, double majoring. Somehow ONE interest alone did not fill my quest for knowledge and understanding.

I am sure that plays into my temperament as well.

With all the ways to chronicle character traits, long my favorite, Myers Briggs is the one that I continue to come back to because the more I read about myself and those closest to me, the better I understand them. The more I seem to "get" people around me. The world just makes a little more sense.

The Teacher.
The Giver.
The Mentor.
Depending on which site you come across describes the ENFJ.
Me.

I get lost in the accuracy of these descriptions and true to my personality, find a deeper understanding as well as REAL LIFE application the more that I learn....soaking up the knowledge like a sponge.

My friend, fellow-blogger, and partner ENFJ, Kamille, started off her most recent blog post about her newest family addition like this...

"I'm a natural optimist with a slight worry, anxiety prone bent. Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. What has saved me over the years is knowing Jesus. Ever since a small child I've been drawn to his goodness that never fails. I've instinctively believed in who he said & says he is."​

I felt myself exhale when I read her words.

"I am not alone in this paradox of trust and worry, joy and fear, love and hate."

It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future.

I often find myself frustrated and prepared to pay penance for my dichotomous ways, especially in the wake of the ongoing traumas of the past few years {Haiti earthquake, unknown chronic illness, 4-year-plus-infertility journey, etc} where my fears and anxieties show signs of dominating the person I once knew and loved within myself.

So bottom line, setting aside the circumstances of LIFE, living in this polarity is well....HARD.
VERY.
VERY.
HARD.

To describe a daily need to stop and remind myself to breathe deep in-and-out like a motivational exercise video would not be an exaggeration.

It seems the older I get to more I realize, like Kamille, that I need Jesus.
Desperately.
Unequivocally.

And serving Him is often like a roller coaster ride with no harness, straps or seat, blasting into the sky, cannon ball style screaming and grasping for something to hold onto.

And when I look with spirit-eyes, there He is.
My Jesus.
Laughing.
Wind in His hair.
Flying high with me.
Arms around me.
Whispering...
"I've got you, babe."

There in that moment.
I learn ALL OVER AGAIN
To just let go.

*photo credit*

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"Melaia turned to the waterfall
and watched the droplets
form, gather weight, and splash down.
Only in releasing itself to fall
did the water offer its cleansing gift." ~Karyn Henley, Breath of Angel

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