Monday, December 20, 2010

Power in the Blood, Part 2 (Multitude Monday #43-50)

***Content of this posting is raw concerning my own journey and may be "tmi - too much information" for some readers. Proceed with caution. :) :)***

I have delayed in continuing on with my personal thoughts on The Blood of Jesus but since I said that I would and the issue has become more real to me again this month, I am going to share.

I wrote a few months ago about the journey and some of the emotions that my husband and I have been through as we are TTC (trying to conceive). Each month we have hoped and dreamed and planned and waited, especially during the infamous "two-week-wait" (between ovulation & period), however, that desire has not yet become a reality.

When I was a teenager, and I first started my period, I did not complain like many friends that I knew in spite of any symptoms like cramping, lightheadedness, weakness, etc that I may have felt because I knew that this "blood" was a necessary part of the process for me to have children one day. I actually rejoiced in the normalcy of my cycle. I was thankful because I never wanted to have "problems" getting pregnant. This thought process has continued on even as the symptoms surrounding that "time of the month" increased as well as the intensity of the flow itself. I saw the prize at the end of the line and it was so precious and valuable to me that I could feel it and I just KNEW it was worth it.

Almost 20 years from the first time, my period now holds a different meaning. I don't even have to take a pregnancy test because I have a perfect visual sign screaming to me, "NOT PREGNANT!" Now, I realize that some people continue to bleed regularly throughout their pregnancy, so yes, many months I have still taken a pregnancy test at the end of my cycle, and I just get that one little lonely line or the worst test yet that actually says the words "not pregnant" (not sure if I want to buy that test again....lol).

So that is what prompted my thoughts on the Blood of Jesus...He had to die, to completely drain every drop of His blood in order to give us life. Through death, through blood, we now have life.

Each month, my body MUST go through a cleansing, a preparation for life. My body is literally bleeding to give life -- one day. Now that "one day" may not have been as soon as I would have liked or thought, but since my body is constantly preparing for that day, I will TRY to place my hope in that. Instead of seeing "the blood" as a sign of NOT PREGNANT, I will visualize my HOPE.

This may/may not hold the same meaning to you as it does to me, but it makes what Jesus did for me on the cross all the more real, and lest you think that I am writing this from a place of strength, let me be completely transparent -- I AM NOT! Yesterday is what I describe as "a bad day" -- a day where I want to give up hope, to die to my own and/or God's dreams forever, to feel nothing - not joy or pain, and I am not sure that I am completely out of that yet.

However......

I am CHOOSING!

So while this day doesn't "feel" like a day where I want to write my gifts nor does this topic seem very connected with what some people may feel comfortable reading on Multitude Monday, I am making a choice to thank God for what IS and not what ISN'T. I may have to choose again tomorrow, but Jesus said that tomorrow has enough worry of its own so I can only focus on today.

Gratitude - a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours;
the state of feeling grateful

#43 - My parents are alive (after the earthquake in Haiti) and we can celebrate life TOGETHER this Christmas

#44 - When I want to give up, Jesus is right there holding me close

#45 - My good friend, Tricia, who lets me be SO RAW with no judgment or sermons, when I need it

#46 - Snow - it is my mom's favorite (one of mine too) and we got some just hours after she & Dad flew in from Haiti

#47 - Friends who chose us and our entrusting us with the role of "godparents" to their new little baby girl, Macy Hope

#48 - The miracle of life -- Macy Hope -- after death and miscarriage, she is the visual of HOPE to the Kinlaw family

#49 - This blog - a place where I can write out my heart....it has been TOO long!

#50 - Laura Bush - so thankful for her words of transparency about her own journey of TTC:

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

I have joined The Gratitude Community -- a place to be inspired by others and what God is doing in their lives, a chance to share my own journey of gratitude, and an opportunity to REMEMBER to be grateful in ALL things. So every Monday, I will add to my list of 1000 gifts of all the graces God has provided in my life. Would you consider joining me? Even if you don't blog, you can join the gratitude community by starting a gratitude journal, mentionning your gifts on Facebook, or sending e-mails to your friends. Let's work together to help in creating a more thankful, joyous world.

holy experience




6 comments:

Beverly Brumbley said... Best Blogger Tips

Loving, believing, supporting, and standing....I love you so much, my Lindsey!

Angie Neal said... Best Blogger Tips

Lindsey, I wish I had something brilliant to say to encourage you. Your honesty is beautiful and your heart so pure for the Lord. You were on my heart a few days ago and I said a prayer for you and this journey. I am believing with and for you.

Alison Kinlaw said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm so thankful for you, Lindsey. Thanks for sharing your heart... you have a beautiful heart. Love you and Arno SO much!!!

Joseph Hope said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks a lot for sharing your inner seance with also, you have a golden heart. Your post is very interesting. china suppliers

Emily said... Best Blogger Tips

I found you through this weeks 5 Minute Friday and loved reading through that and many of your other posts. Thank you so much for posting this... It really touched me. We went through a lot when we were TTC our son and are nearing the end of our 2nd struggle with infertility. This post reminded me of some great truth. Thanks you for that.

Joseph Hope said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks a lot for sharing your inner seance with also, you have a golden heart. Your post is very interesting. china suppliers

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