You Are Irreplaceable!

I had only been married 6 months, and I began to feel insignificant.

No one told me what a crisis of identity a woman can often face when she is Mrs-So-and-So instead of the Sassy-and-Single-yet-Confident-Woman I had worked years to cultivate.

Now I was a wife.

I felt boring and redundant, not striking or special.

And to top it all off, with my new husband joining the ministry team at church, he could do everything that I did {and better}, not to mention the office assistant that I had been training for a couple of years who could mimic my admin skills almost to a tee.

I felt irrelevant, insignificant,VERY REPLACEABLE.

I went to the visiting female minister, and she prayed for me and challenged me not to be in competition with my husband.
Wow!
A hard pill to swallow, but ultimately wasn't that what I was doing??
I didn't want to do that. I did NOT want to be "that girl."

I wanted to be an AH-MA-ZING wife - this ideal I had in my mind that a WIFE was supposed to be - heck, I might have even been working towards Stepford.

Except.

I don't have a formal, Stepford, sweet, perfectly-presented personality.

AT. ALL.

And even when you know this proving-yourself-competitive-attitude is wrong, how do you change it?

Then one day, about a year after we were married, Arno's spiritual father spoke a word into my life that radically transformed my present and would forever shape the way I viewed myself in my marriage.

"Lindsey, you are NOT called to be everyone's wife; you were called to be ARNO's wife."

So simple, but what a revelation!

What my husband's needs are may not be another husband's needs therefore the title of "wife" in my house will look very different to the next person.

And I realized that this bled over into every relationship in my life - no one could be ME better than me. Nobody could fill the role that God had called me to fill BUT me. Even if someone is more beautiful, more talented, more successful, more whatever, no one....and I mean NO ONE....can replace me.

Because my worth and value come from the Father who placed me in seasons, in situations, in relationships.

HE. PLACED. ME.

I am irreplaceable.

And so are you, my dear, precious friend.
You are the ONLY one who can love your children the best.
You are the ONLY one who can take care of your husband the sweetest.
You are the ONLY one who can hold your friends' hand in the middle of her circumstances the way that YOU do.

You are the ONLY you that the world will ever know!

You, my amazing, awesome, breath-taking pal, are IRREPLACEABLE!

"Use the talents you possess for imagine how silent the woods would be if the only birds that sang were the best."

Five Minute Friday: Birthdays & Growing

Want to know a few more details of what this "Five Minute Friday" is all about?

Here it is in The Gypsy Mama's own words.....

"We write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We write bold and beautiful and free. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just write or not.

Won’t you join us?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:"

TOPIC: Growing



GO.

Well, today is my 33rd birthday, and in so many ways, I feel that I am still GROWING up. {smile}

It's kind of funny how my blog is titled "The Little Missionary Girl All {Grown} Up" because I still feel like that little girl inside even though my body tells me different.

And I wonder if that will ever change.

I think that is the coolest part about growing older -- how your perspective changes on people. When you are 10, someone who is 25 is ancient, when you are 15......30? Fahgeattaboudit!! LOL...and so on...until one day you just starting seeing with new eyes, grown up eyes, maybe.

Like the man in his forties playing ball with his buddies, and you can picture that little boy inside who couldn't stop talking about his first home run.

Like the woman in her seventies holding hands with the love of her life, and if you look with your heart, you can see the 18 year olds that they once were.

It's kinda beautiful actually how different life becomes through the loving, the hurting, the stretching, the living, the growing....

And it's hard and tough and challenging....

But then it's powerful, amazing, and awe-inspiring.

So I hope I never stop growing...

Well....in my heart at least...

;-)

STOP.

Worship Wednesday: Held

My friend, Katy, shared worship on this Wednesday, and I thought that was a beautiful idea so I thought I would share a song that I "heard" the other day not for the first time with my ears, but for the first time with my heart.

In this journey of life....

This is what it means to be HELD

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be HELD

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our Savior

When Life Is Full Of Unanswered Questions

When we left South Africa, a year ago this week to take an extended sabbatical period, I was really scared.

Are we doing the right thing?

Is this TRULY God's plan for us?

How can I be 100% sure that we are walking

in God's perfect will for us in this season?

These and hundreds of other questions floated around in my mind for months & months causing me fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow, pain, heartache.

I remember telling my mom at one point,

"This is either the best or the worst decision of our lives."

And feeling that emotion & dealing with those thoughts put an enormous amount of pressure to find "the purpose" or "the reason" in all of this -- this season of feeling that our life, as we knew it, is indefinitely on hold.

For what??

I.

don't.

know.

How do you answer other people's questions when the ones in your own head are screaming for answers that have yet to be unraveled?

And then.

A few weeks ago, I came across this Scripture:

“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,

with faith and love in Christ Jesus.

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—

guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”

-2 Timothy 1:13-14

And suddenly, it hit me.

I am HERE....NOW because I needed to guard my heart.

Live to fight another day.

Protect the goose that lays the golden egg {as my wise husband likes to say it}.

And for us, for me, that was stopping, resting, taking a time out to stop my perfectionistic, analytical, problem-solving, energy-filled, purpose-driven self from running out of steam too soon.

I know that the Lord told me over a year ago that if I kept up at the pace that I was going I would die.

Yes, I said it.

I.

Would.

Die.

That's hard to type that.

Hard to admit that I was "there".

Hard to know that "I" got myself there in many ways by my SUPER-DOOPER-DRIVEN self.

And in the process the storms of life, the heartaches in relationships, and the trials of man took their toll on this little girl. Because THAT is exactly how I felt - like a broken little girl - longing, hoping, wishing, praying....and yet feeling so alone.

And in the darkest hour, Grace answered my cries....

He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

Grace made room for my sorrow, hurt, pain, & brokenness.

Grace gave me room to rediscover my Savior, myself, my purpose.

And I am still on that journey.

In many ways, I don't have any more definitive answers today than I did one year ago.

But, walking this journey has opened my eyes to truths for which I will one day find the words.

I know that some people have not understood the choices we have made.

I mean - I don't even understand them.

But I think grace/love/purpose look a little different than people may think,
MUCH Different than I thought.

That's for sure.

So because He rescued me, I cling to Him, even when I want to scream and pound His chest in angst and frustration.

I cling to Him.

Grace has captured my heart & soul.

And I know....nothing is wasted with my Jesus.

All of THIS will be redeemed.

Five Minute Friday: Finding Joy

Sharing 5 minutes.
On Friday.
One of my favorite times of the week.
Hope you enjoy it along with me.

This week's topic......JOY

GO.

"You are my JOY."

That is what my granny used to say to me.

It's funny because I cannot really remember why or how or when it started exactly, but I remember FEELING that in my heart.

I knew it was true.
Joy was my friend, my anthem, my song.

My mom had taught us, "The joy of the Lord is your strength" and "Praise Him in all things."

But never was that joy tested so harshly as in the trials of the past few years.

Infertility.
Chronic Health Issues.
Life-altering Earthquake.
Cross-Continental Moving.
Sabbatical from Full Time Ministry.

Where is joy now?

Where is that peace and love and desire to just sing and serve and simply BE with Jesus?
Oh how I always loved to be with Jesus...from the time I was a little girl.

And then...

Joy left.

She was my friend, my constant companion, my security, my rest.

{sigh}

I pause as I write because I know that she was my gift - not only for myself, but also to the world.

And that made the enemy mad.

So....

He threw "the kitchen sink" at me....

and eventually....

I gave in.

And joy seemed GONE. FOR. GOOD.

And yet, I know she is not.

We may be like the prodigal and his father trying to find their way back to each other, but I know she isn't far. She is there calling my name - like deep calls to deep the Bible says.

And I realize...when we find each other again.

REALLY.
AND.
TRULY.
FIND.
EACH.
OTHER.

Oh what a reunion!!!

Then, I think, I will understand her a little better...hopefully a lot better.

I'm looking for you again, Joy....can't wait to see you soon!

I've missed ya.

STOP.

Okay so I went a little over 5 minutes today, but I really wanted to share my heart in this because well....I must.

I must.

Would you like to read some more 5 minute posts about joy or maybe link up yourself? You'd be so welcome!!

Hop on over to The Gypsy Mama...I promise....it will warm your heart....and your lips! ;-)

Stand

I have been kind of quiet around here over the past couple of weeks, and I guess that is because I feel a bit stuck.

Stuck in my own head....in my own thoughts, plans, dreams, realities.

It seems like I have been in this season for a long time.

In fact, when I started this blog almost a year and a half ago, I already felt that way.

So in many ways, this space here has chronicled my journey in a way that I can quantify....

And oh how the Lord knows that I LOVE to categorize and to strategize everything in my life from the earth shattering to the minute...

But I can't quite get my mind around the "reason", the "point", the "purpose" of...

ALL. OF. THIS.

Not yet anyway.

So let's just get down to it.

I admit it.

I am a little confused right now.
A little scared.
A little hurt.
A LOT tired.

Okay...maybe A LOT of {all of the above}.

And yet, this blog in SO many tiny little ways represents my life...

Some days are quiet & reserved.

Some days are full of revelation.

Some days I pull away.

Some days I am big & bold.

But overall, here I am pressing on.

Not quitting,

Not throwing in the towel,

...even when I maybe looks like it not only from the outside {to others} but also from the inside {to myself}.

Nonetheless, I am standing.

Well, figuratively speaking anyway...

Because some days just feel like I am a big puddle in the floor...

But I remind myself,

"You are still in this, Baby. You are still in this."

I am not strong or tough in the standards of the world, popular opinion, or quite frankly, even myself.

But HE said...

"....having done all, to stand. Stand!"

Ephesians 6

So that is what I am doing....

standing...

Sometimes quiet.

Sometimes scared.

Sometimes brave.

Sometimes bold.

But really....mostly scared.

....and yet....

....I'm still here.

Five Minute Friday: In Real Life

I have been a little quiet around here as my love and I celebrated our anniversary with a staycation at a friend's house who is out of town. It feels like we are "away" even though we are actually still "around" town, therefore, I took a little blogging break.

But....

I thought I would take a "brief" break from our little getaway that is coming to a fast close and share my 5 minutes.

Is it really Friday already? Wow! How the week has flown by!

Topic: In Real Life

GO.

I love blogging.

I love the blogosphere.

I love the amazing people that I have met here.

I love that I have TRULY made new friends in this world that I would probably never have met any other way.

I love that I have found a space where I can find other people who are like me.

Who march to a beat of their own music.
Who wonder out loud.
Who cry desperately and are not afraid to talk about it.

And yet sometimes I still wonder if IN REAL LIFE would things be the same.
Would they "like" me if they knew the WHOLE me, the REAL me?
Am I really as "honest" and "transparent" as I like to think I am in this place?
Do I really share WHO I am so that I can make those REAL LIFE connections?

And honestly, I don't know.....

....but I do know this.....

I like you.

You bloggers.
You crazy wordsmiths.
You soulful mavericks.
You kindred spirits.

You.

Yes.....YOU!

Make me realize that

I am not alone
I am not "so" different

AND

I don't have to be afraid to be ME.

The REAL me.....

And really....I DO so hope we get to meet one day

because I know

Ooooo...I just know.

I will like YOU.....

IN REAL LIFE.

STOP.

Since I might not be able to meet up with you for coffee, say like, tomorrow! :) .......

.....I would love to invite you to this fabulous party/get-together that (in)courage is hosting in April. I couldn't do justice in explaining so PLEASE go visit and check it out!!

AND......

If you would like to SHARE your 5 minutes or just CHECK OUT some more fun 5-Minute-Friday-ers ;-), head on over to The Gypsy Mama's space and splash around and make some new friends!!

He's My Blessing {Happy Anniversary, Bokkie!!}

Six years ago today, I was getting prepared.


Chatter, busyness, & movement surrounded me as hair & makeup were fine tuned to perfection.


Friends and family ran around like busy bees making last minute touches on flowers and food.


Decorators, photographers, coordinators busied themselves making sure their jobs were complete.

And me??

The girl who had the MAJOR meltdown the day before???

I sat in the midst of it all basking in the joyous knowledge

that TODAY was the day....

.....MY DAY.....

My prince had come.

In fact, the calmness that surrounded me caused my sister to question,

"Did someone slip a little pill into your drink this morning?"

And I could only laugh.

The process had been a whirlwind.

Arno came to America on April 16th.

We began our courtship on May 3rd.

He asked me to spend the rest of our lives together on May 28th.

And today, September 3rd,

4 months after we acknowledged that we were "in LIKE",

I could not wait to say, "I DO."

I wish I could adequately describe the transformation that took over me.

The best word to describe it.....

PEACE

I knew that God was showing His love for me in our union, and not because being single in God's eyes is preferrable to being married - NO! I have never believed that. There are seasons...oh boy...how I KNOW that there are seasons....

But the reason that I knew that God chose through Arno to radically display His love was because of.....ARNO!

My Father knows me.

He knows what I need.

and even things that I "just" desire....

He answered EVERY SINGLE heart cry and longing in my soul mate.

The ones I wrote down

and even some that I didn't {gotta love that South African accent ;-)}

I wrote that to Arno, not long after I realized that he was The One.....

"The reason that I am blessed is not because I am 'getting married' but because God gave me the treasure of YOU - YOU are the blessing!"

I still feel that way, and I am just SO thankful...

I mean when I a guy, knowing that you are a WORDS girl, and that is not his #1 strength takes the time to write this for you just this past Valentine's.....

If we measure my love for you by the water in the ocean, the cup would be half full.

All the light shining from the sun won't be able to light up the amount of love I have for you.

My love for you stands firm against all the tornadoes put together.

Compared to the earth my love for you is the glue that keeps every piece of sand connected to each other.

My love for you is the shine in gold, the sparkle in a diamond, and the red in a ruby.

So we come to the final conclusion that my love for you is greater than all the elements on earth!

I love you so much!!!!

Will you please be my Valentine?

Well, need I say more?

I think I'll keep him!

;-)

Happy Anniversary, Baby!

Five Minute Friday: 6 Years Ago Today

Here's my 5 minutes....cause on Fridays....that just seems right.

Not a lot of editing or analyzing.

Just pure heart and love of the written word...

This week's topic: REST

GO.

Six years ago, on this very day, I had a meltdown.

I had been engaged for just a little over 3 months, and my wedding day was the next day.

I suffer from a terrible condition....

PERFECTIONISM!

And I realized that there were SO many details that still needed to happen, and I got overwhelmed by the magnitude of them.

I locked myself in my bathroom & wouldn't let my sister or my fiance come in.

I know. I know.

Dramatic, right?

I am just SO VERY thankful is was only the two of them that saw me at that moment.

But I had my cry. I got out all the emotions. I realized that a village....TRULY a whole village had come together from across the States to help me put my special day together, and they were busy working so I could enjoy this joyous season of my life.

So I took a deep breath, and I faced the day.

My favorite part of that day was arriving at the rehearsal that night.

I remember sitting on the steps of the stage in the sanctuary, putting on my makeup, and just being so thankful.....

For my amazing family
For the best friends a girl could ask for
For the generosity of so many people who gave of their time & money to give me the best they could.

And....

Of course....

For God....

for bringing to me the VERY best.....the LOVE of my Life....

And I knew that "tomorrow" I would get to start the first day....

....Of The REST Of Our Lives....

STOP.

Happy 6th Anniversary, Baby!

I cannot imagine my life without you....I don't even want to try!