Oh Christmas Tree!

I have always hated taking down the Christmas tree, ever since I was a little girl. Sometimes as a teenager or college student, my parents would do it on a night that I was out with friends because I hated it so much. It seems like such an end to me of the holiday that I SO look forward to plus my whole family always goes together each year to pick out the tree at a tree farm, so I have to say goodbye to our time-consuming, hand-picked beauty. Also after all the time decorating and making it perfect, who wants to have to put it away and go back to REAL life!! HA!

This year wasn't any different. My parents are home for Christmas from Haiti, and next week we are hosting a gala event commemorating the one year anniversary of the earthquake last year. Then they leave once again for Haiti two days later. So this weekend the tree HAD to come down. Of course, Arno & I could do it AFTER they leave, but that just seemed SUPER sad.

So we worked on it today -- me & Mom & Dad, and although I still loathe doing it, it wasn't so bad! I decided to organize all of the boxes and categorize them with all the various Christmas items. Somehow creating order in chaos made things seem better.

It made me think about the Lord and how He works with us. The process is often messy just like with our tree.


It was REAL dry this year(and YES, we did water it!) so when Dad took off the ornaments and lights, the needles just fell off and it created this green carpet on the floor. Mom and I had to sweep and vacuum twice, but eventually the carpet was clean again. Organizing the boxes and getting things straight was MUCH messier WHILE the process was happening, but in the end, all was righted. And best of all, next year, finding exactly what we are looking for will be simple.

So back to how God works with us.....sometimes it is so messy and when He is getting rid of things that are dying, the process is painful and leaves us feeling barren and exposed. However, once He has removed the junk and sorted out all the "stuff" in our lives, the work He has done carries over into our future. We then see that His deep and thorough threads, weaving bolding through our lives, are not in vain but makes our lives much easier in the long run.

"....His yoke is easy, His burden is light...."

Happy 21st Birthday, Cuzzy Jared!

My cousin, Jared, who is like my little brother turned 21 today. This is what I wrote for his birthday party roast/toast:

I was 11 years old when Jared was born. I still have strong memories of when he was born, like “He is the prettiest baby I have ever seen!” from like EVERYONE or “He is the prettiest baby in the family!”....not sure how I am supposed to take that one....hahaha!

But one of my favorite memories of that first year is when he was 3 months old and made his first trip overseas to visit us with his parents & Justin to Haiti. I was holding him and feeding him his bottle and I remember these HUGE brown eyes just looking me in the face. He wasn’t scared even though he hadn’t seen me that much before. He looked at me like he was memorizing my face, and there was something that clicked with us then.

Over the years, we have had lots of fun memories. When he was 3, I used to fix his hair like the boy that I had a crush on....then he told on me...! When he was about 10/11, we (with Michaela) saved a chicken on the side of the road, and I made him hold it....what? I was driving! When he was about 14, he tried to figure out who my “secret admirer” flower sender was....and by his face, when he found out, I could tell if the guy was “the right one”.......OR NOT!

During high school we talked about girls (wink, wink) and travelling the world together...or at least Europe for a summer :)......and reaching the world for Jesus! When he did move to Africa for a one year internship, we had talked about travelling SO MUCH that Aunt Paula said it was my fault that he wanted to go there because he was following me!!

Jared, what I love most about you is your psalmist heart like David - one of my favs in the Bible -- the man after God’s own heart. In every season, weakness or strength, David’s heart was ALWAYS focused on the Father, and that is how I see you.

I am so excited for you as you go into this next season of life - adulthood, marriage, ministry, and more!

It’s like......loving you like you were my own little brother GOOD!!

(in honor of the old Yoplait commercial)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JARED!!! I LOVE YOU!!

(Jared & I wearing our dingle hoppers -- Little Mermaid, anyone?)

One Word 2011

One word.

One theme.

One focus for the year.

After reading quite a few blogs about choosing prayerfully one word to represent and/or focus on for the upcoming year, I thought, "Yeah...I want to do that too!"

I am a perfectionistic planner, but last year through a series of MANY things (previously blogged about), I found myself in a position that I couldn't plan like I wanted to.

So this One Word concept....one word to guide my year, my blog, my choices, my relationships, etc....

It's......well.......simple!

And, I need simple. I need lite. I need smooth. I need uncomplicated.

In this process of asking the Lord His word theme for my life for 2011, I realized that I will be letting Him guide my year in a way that I haven't before because when I focus around a concept, - that He gives me - He truly can take my life and make the plans....FOR REAL!

Does this mean that I won't have any set goals or concrete plans? No, probably not. However, I think the goals will be more focused on my ONE WORD and in THAT I find peace even in the wide unknown.

I was nervous about choosing a word because I didn't want to be directing my own days like I feel I have been so guilty of in seasons past. But then in the process of reading and perusing others' blogs, I came across this line by Alece of Grit and Glory

He is making all things new in me. Not just fixing them. Not repairing, rebuilding, or even renewing. He is redeeming. And making me new.

And I felt it then....the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit...I am making you new.....

I decided to let it marinate inside of me to "make sure" it wasn't just ME, and the today I came across another quote from a song.

"Life breaks and falls apart, but we know these are the places where grace is soon to be so amazing. They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored, but when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord – just watch and see – it will not be unredeemed." - {Unredeemed by Selah}

Again His still small voice....You, my daughter, are redeemed.

My OneWord2011 is REDEEMED.

Dictionary.com uses the following definitions for the word redeem:

re·deem [ri-deem] –verb (used with object)

1.to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

2.to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

3.to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

4.to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

5.to convert (paper money) into specie.

6.to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

7.to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

8.to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

9.Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

I look forward to diving into these definitions and much more. I found another blogger, Hannah, who also chose this word. I loved her post about this and her take and thoughts were so different from mine that I realized that the Father has much to show me....

....and I am excited.....!

Wordless Wednesday: The White Haired Lady's White Christmas

To say that my mom LOVES the snow is almost an "understatement." This is her reveling in the snowstorm/blizzard of last week. Haha! I love you, Mom!

Please join me at A Beautiful Mess, Better in Bulk, Live and Love Out Loud, And Miles to go Before we Sleep, My Life in Jenga, Woven by Words, Two of a Kind Working on a Full House, and Wordless Wednesday

A Few Little Goals

I have a couple of "little" goals that I have decided on for this year that I want to work towards. I won't be perfectionistic or religious about it. I am just going to take one day at a time, and work toward living IN those moments and days and not just at the potential outcome.

So here they are......

#1 - Blog each day of the year, even if some posts are simple like a Scripture, a quote, a song, a picture, etc, and whether I "feel" like it or feel inspired at all.

#2 - I am joining the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team in where women will join together in accountability to memorize 2 Scriptures of your choice per month for the year.

#3 - In the next week or month, I am going to choose ONE word as a theme for my 2011. I just discovered this "concept" in the blogging world yesterday so I am obviously a bit behind...nonetheless, I will ask the Lord to show me His theme for me and let that be a guide for what I write about this year. And when I know what that is, YOU will be the first to know so watch this space! :)

So there you go. I've put it out there. For better or worse. Pass or fail.

But, isn't that how it is with the Father? You just have to take a leap, a step, or maybe just a tiny little decision in your soul/spirit, and then He takes it and makes something beautiful and unexpected even during the times when it seems REAL messy.

What are your dreams/desires/goals/plans for 2011?

Multitude Monday - #51-66

Gratitude - a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours;

the state of feeling grateful

Thank You, Lord for.....

~51. a day filled with laughter and shopping with family (twice in one weekend!)

~52. the fact that my family was "ALL together" this Christmas....every single one...parents, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, and even every single married/grafted in ones -- I am blessed!!

~53. the big beautiful snowstorm that dumped 12 inches in a routinely non-white Christmas area that I live in

~54. my mom, a eating healthy expert, who is helping me detox this week to shed those unwanted pounds that have creeped in over the past few months

~55. giggles with my girlfriends -- Mom & Kasi -- great times, remembering & reminiscing

~56. a new year to draw closer to, to be loved by, and to walk in grace with my precious FATHER

~57. my dad, who gets us firewood, puts the lights on the Christmas tree, and even goes and gets us "another" size in the dressing room without complaining

~58. the cozy fireplaces during our winter snowstorm/blizzard

~59. discovering new music like that of JJ Heller....spoken to my very soul in a moment of sheer agony

~60. watching my husband sport his new "style" today -- that man is just so adorable!

~61. visiting with my besties last week -- one of us just had a baby, one is going to get married this year, and one of us is embarking on some new twists and turns this year

~62. beautiful words from incredible bloggers out there that just blow me away with their insight and wisdom

~63. although the snow has melted, the world still looks so beautiful and fresh this morning

~64. having heart-to-hearts with Mom, Sis, Tricia, Alison, Stacey, Arno

~65. His Word - like honey, like manna, like fresh running water to my heart and soul

~66. making me me -- even though in this season, I have found myself finding so much fault with myself, I see HIS precious hand drawing me in and molding me and using the ME that HE created me to be....He is faithful to complete the work He started in me....

I have joined The Gratitude Community -- a place to be inspired by others and what God is doing in their lives, a chance to share my own journey of gratitude, and an opportunity to REMEMBER to be grateful in ALL things. So on Mondays, I will add to my list of 1000 gifts of all the graces God has provided in my life. Would you consider joining me? Even if you don't blog, you can join the gratitude community by starting a gratitude journal, mentionning your gifts on Facebook, or sending e-mails to your friends. Let's work together to help in creating a more thankful, joyous world!!

20 Questions for 2010

I thought I would share my thoughts of my own reflections of 2010 to keep me accountable to do it, and I hope that you will join me either in your comments below, on your own blog, or in a personal journal. I would love to hear what last year meant to you, so would you consider sharing your answer to even just one of the questions below....??

Happy Reading, Processing, and Writing!

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

~God saved my parents and so many loved ones in the January 12 Haiti earthquake



2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

~Waiting 18 hours to hear from my parents after the initial quake

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

~Spending Christmas with my family


4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

~Still not having our own little one by the end of this year

5. Pick three words to describe 2010.

~Hard. Challenging. Milestone.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

~Hard. Scary. Heart-breaking.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (again, without asking).

~Tough. Challenging. Faith-building.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

~Hinds Feet on High Places, My Utmost for His Highest (partial), and my beloved, Anne of Green Gables series




9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

~My husband, my parents, my sister, Pastors Bert & Charne, some KINDRED besties (you know who you are!)

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

~Moving from South Africa to America



11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

~Discovering some of my key weaknesses and how much I "can't" do alone

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

~Revelled in the amazing grace of God in ways that I never expected

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

~Learning how to slow down, rest, listen to my body, regroup, and to stop trying to prove something to myself and/or others by how MUCH I can do (still learning.....)

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

~WOW! I value people EVEN more than I did before, and I was raised with that appreciation but it increased infinitely in the past year.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Connecting with "my people" -- disciples, co-workers, leaders -- sharing Jesus & life together

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

~Figuring out how to balance my love for the work and the people with my physical health

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

~Probably TV

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

~Learning to spend time receiving the love of the Father, starting & working on this blog, encouraging others when I can, connecting with friends {new & old} who have encouraged me

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

~"I" have to stop trying to do EVERYTHING in my life and relationship with God in my own strength and ability

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.

~My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is made perfect in your weaknesses...

Happy New Year!

I have been thinking this past week about what I would like to share, to encourage, to evaluate, to analyze on my New Years' post. What profound thoughts or deep ponderings could I share with the world wide web? And, I felt like I came flat.

How could I encapsulate the ups and downs, the joys and tears, the laughters and sorrows that this past year had held for me?

How could I express in a different way the desperation of January 12, 2010, when an earthquake rocked the nation of Haiti and communication was cut off for agonizing hours?

How could I put into words the immense joy when I saw my mom's chat box on Facebook light up with a message after 18 hours of waiting?

How could I explain the frustration of the physical struggles that my body has been experiencing that seem unending and hold no clear answers?

How could I relate the inner paradox of leaving Africa and embarking into a season of the unknown, leaving so many loved ones behind?

How could I express how amazing it felt to hold my sister, my mom, my dad in my arms after 10 long months of separation after the earthquake?

How could I articulate the very real heartache of going through yet another year of empty arms for those Mommy desires deep in my soul?

So I began reading....other blogs...other posts....other women....other men.....their journeys....their discoveries....their challenges.....their advice....

And I thought, "Why not share that??" These amazing people whose beautiful words are like arms lifting up my inner being -- would YOU, my friends, find encouragement in some or all of their words too?

So that is what I will share with you today, and in their words, I find pieces and soundbites and snippets of life and heartache and joy that I too have experienced OR encouragement and tenacity and perseverance to move forward into the unknown future.

May their words hold your hand and your heart as they have done to mine!

Check out this New Year's retrospection by Gitzen Girl, Sara Frankl, who struggles with a debilitating disease yet is learning to live a life on purpose.

"Imagine if we all went about our lives remembering the core of who we are… a Spirit born in the image of Christ… who is sent here to fulfill a purpose before going back home."

Oswald Chambers writes here, "Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him," as we look forward to and embrace this new year the Lord has planned for us.

Want to set goals and plans for the upcoming year ahead? Tsh Oxenreider shares twenty questions to ask yourself to evaluate last year for the purpose of helping you walk IN PURPOSE for the future that God has set out for you as you look into next year and maybe even set some goals (please don't feel overwhelmed or pressured by this or the list...haven't done it yet myself, but my "goal" is to at least try...hahahaha)

And with that being said and/or done, Jo Myles reminds us to put "our plans" back into the hands of the Father, trusting that He has the best for us.....

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C.S. Lewis

And finally, at Heart to Heart with Holley, she blesses us with a prayer filled with the Word that we can make our own to pray for this upcoming year filled with promise and trust in Him "who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly...."

Merry Christmas from Lindsey & Arno!!

Those Who Dream...

A year and a half ago, after almost a year and a half into our journey of TTC, I began to feel the discouragement keenly. Simultaneously, Arno was feeling strongly that the Lord was moving us towards buying a house. I had been hesitant to move forward in this. I mean the "plan" is babies first, house second, right??

One day, as I read my daily Bible reading, I came across these verses in Isaiah 54:

¹ “Sing, O childless woman,
you who have never given birth!
Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,
you who have never been in labor.
For the desolate woman now has more children
than the woman who lives with her husband,”
says the Lord.
² “Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread out your home, and spare no expense!
³ For you will soon be bursting at the seams.
Your descendants will occupy other nations
and resettle the ruined cities.

In the months that followed, the Lord opened up doors to not only purchase a house that we loved, but also provided long-term renters almost immediately upon realizing we would be moving back to America. I thought the "expanse" meant the house literally, but I can see how the Father's dreams for us are even larger. He is stretching us in faith, in finances, in every aspect of our "human" nature, so because I am human......

SOME DAYS ARE JUST REAL HARD!

Hard to trust....

Hard to keep the faith....

Hard to see and to feel His hands holding me close....

Hard to remember that "the Lord is not slack concerning His promises...."

and sometimes....

JUST HARD just BECAUSE "I" cannot any longer!!

So the Lord gave me a new promise from Psalm 126 to hold onto because He is gracious and because I forget, and I believe that this heralds a new season for my life:

¹ When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
³ The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

My favorite line is "....we were like those who dreamed...." which is spoken on the coat tails of restoration. What Satan has tried (and some days almost succeeded) to steal from my life, the Lord will NOT ONLY restore, but it will be SO GREAT that it will feel as if I am dreaming...to the point that "the nations" will see and proclaim the goodness of the Lord due to His hand upon my life.

What a beautiful promise!

And while the promise is beautiful, real life is MESSY!

I don't get it right every day or have the faith that I want to, yet I know He is "faithful, even when I am unfaithful," or wanting to give up and throw in the towel. When I don't know who I am or where I am going, I know, in my Spirit, He is holding me close, calling to me to rest for awhile, to let go, to trust, to give up control....and HE will fill my mouth with laughter and RESTORE!!

What are you believing for God to restore this year?

What promise are you standing on that He has made to you?

What do you do when you doubt His hand, His love, His promises?

Wordless Wednesday: Welcome Macy Hope! (my goddaughter)

I love how alert she was here even though just a few hours old.

Macy Hope Kinlaw~7lbs, 4oun, 19in

December 17, 2010

Join me at Wordless Wednesday, A Beautiful Mess, Faded Charm, My Life in Jenga and Live and Love Outloud.

Power in the Blood, Part 2 (Multitude Monday #43-50)

***Content of this posting is raw concerning my own journey and may be "tmi - too much information" for some readers. Proceed with caution. :) :)***

I have delayed in continuing on with my personal thoughts on The Blood of Jesus but since I said that I would and the issue has become more real to me again this month, I am going to share.

I wrote a few months ago about the journey and some of the emotions that my husband and I have been through as we are TTC (trying to conceive). Each month we have hoped and dreamed and planned and waited, especially during the infamous "two-week-wait" (between ovulation & period), however, that desire has not yet become a reality.

When I was a teenager, and I first started my period, I did not complain like many friends that I knew in spite of any symptoms like cramping, lightheadedness, weakness, etc that I may have felt because I knew that this "blood" was a necessary part of the process for me to have children one day. I actually rejoiced in the normalcy of my cycle. I was thankful because I never wanted to have "problems" getting pregnant. This thought process has continued on even as the symptoms surrounding that "time of the month" increased as well as the intensity of the flow itself. I saw the prize at the end of the line and it was so precious and valuable to me that I could feel it and I just KNEW it was worth it.

Almost 20 years from the first time, my period now holds a different meaning. I don't even have to take a pregnancy test because I have a perfect visual sign screaming to me, "NOT PREGNANT!" Now, I realize that some people continue to bleed regularly throughout their pregnancy, so yes, many months I have still taken a pregnancy test at the end of my cycle, and I just get that one little lonely line or the worst test yet that actually says the words "not pregnant" (not sure if I want to buy that test again....lol).

So that is what prompted my thoughts on the Blood of Jesus...He had to die, to completely drain every drop of His blood in order to give us life. Through death, through blood, we now have life.

Each month, my body MUST go through a cleansing, a preparation for life. My body is literally bleeding to give life -- one day. Now that "one day" may not have been as soon as I would have liked or thought, but since my body is constantly preparing for that day, I will TRY to place my hope in that. Instead of seeing "the blood" as a sign of NOT PREGNANT, I will visualize my HOPE.

This may/may not hold the same meaning to you as it does to me, but it makes what Jesus did for me on the cross all the more real, and lest you think that I am writing this from a place of strength, let me be completely transparent -- I AM NOT! Yesterday is what I describe as "a bad day" -- a day where I want to give up hope, to die to my own and/or God's dreams forever, to feel nothing - not joy or pain, and I am not sure that I am completely out of that yet.

However......

I am CHOOSING!

So while this day doesn't "feel" like a day where I want to write my gifts nor does this topic seem very connected with what some people may feel comfortable reading on Multitude Monday, I am making a choice to thank God for what IS and not what ISN'T. I may have to choose again tomorrow, but Jesus said that tomorrow has enough worry of its own so I can only focus on today.

Gratitude - a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours;

the state of feeling grateful

#43 - My parents are alive (after the earthquake in Haiti) and we can celebrate life TOGETHER this Christmas

#44 - When I want to give up, Jesus is right there holding me close

#45 - My good friend, Tricia, who lets me be SO RAW with no judgment or sermons, when I need it

#46 - Snow - it is my mom's favorite (one of mine too) and we got some just hours after she & Dad flew in from Haiti

#47 - Friends who chose us and our entrusting us with the role of "godparents" to their new little baby girl, Macy Hope

#48 - The miracle of life -- Macy Hope -- after death and miscarriage, she is the visual of HOPE to the Kinlaw family

#49 - This blog - a place where I can write out my heart....it has been TOO long!

#50 - Laura Bush - so thankful for her words of transparency about her own journey of TTC:

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

I have joined The Gratitude Community -- a place to be inspired by others and what God is doing in their lives, a chance to share my own journey of gratitude, and an opportunity to REMEMBER to be grateful in ALL things. So every Monday, I will add to my list of 1000 gifts of all the graces God has provided in my life. Would you consider joining me? Even if you don't blog, you can join the gratitude community by starting a gratitude journal, mentionning your gifts on Facebook, or sending e-mails to your friends. Let's work together to help in creating a more thankful, joyous world.