Pregnant with Hope

We were driving back from the beach on Memorial Day, and I had a silly fit hit me. Now if you have ever been or are ever in the future "privileged" to preview one of those - it is QUITE a sight to behold {if I do say so myself}. And this one was definitely over the top.

Ice cream or ANY version thereof {frozen yogurt, gelato, frozen custard, etc} is my ABSOLUTE favorite thing to eat! BAR NONE! So at the beach, we found a place where you take an empty cup/bowl and self-serve any and all flavors and/or toppings that you want - LOADS of toppings. So, I filled up TO THE RIM - literally. My sister said she kept wondering HOW MUCH more I could fit on there.

Once I bought my creamy delight {and realized that I was paying by weight - OOPS!}, the reality of HOW much frozen yogurt that I had actually just purchased to consume in a short period of time hit me! Oh, boy! But....every bite was so delicious and varied that I TRULY felt like a kid in a candy shop...what am I saying???...I was the kid in the candy shop who got every single thing she wanted.

So as we rode home, I was so delighted with my delectable treat that I felt overwhelmed with ridiculous jokes and contagious laughter, so much so that on the hour long ride home with my sister, her husband, and mine, I slowly sucked each one of them into my Pied Piper world, quoting line after line from whatever movie popped into our brains, and ending the ride with my sister and I singing, LOUDLY, songs from childhood, teenage years or whatever, with God Bless America topping off the evening just before we pulled into our driveway.

I have always LOVED to laugh. That childhood delight in the little and BIG things of life has always been mine. In fact, my grandmother gave me the nickname of "JOY", when I was a teenager, because the WAY I loved life was infectious.

But that girl had all but disappeared over the past two years. She would make momentary appearances or special showings, like a retired athelete or movie star, but I wondered if she would ever come again.

And suddenly, there she was...in ALL her former glory...pulling out ALL the stops!

My husband was driving, and I would hear him laugh at my antics or random humor or simple delight with my own wit, and it made me think about how "the girl" he married had been in hiding for awhile. As I was driving to work yesterday, my mind & heart soaked in the remembrance of the real joy in his laugh, the true mirth in mine, the genuine play with my sister, and I tearfully & thankfully basked in the overwhelming realization that God is SO faithful.

I have always loved Anne of Green Gables. I have read and re-read and re-read all 8 books in the series over and over again since elementary school. Each time that I read I learn new things about life and grace and character. This excerpt is taken from Anne's House of Dreams after she has lost her firstborn daughter during childbirth....

Oh, Marilla, I don't see how I can EVER be happy again--EVERYTHING will hurt me all the rest of my life."

"It won't hurt so much always, Anne."

"The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

Sometimes it is hard to hope in the face of heartache because what your heart is broken over is SO desperately important to you, and you don't want to forget. Somehow forgetting makes is seem small or less important, so you hold on and stay in this place of limbo -- unable to heal, unable to move forward, unable to grow.

I know that people told me to hope, to trust in God, to know that He had a plan, but sometimes you wonder when pain and hurt have become like your own skin, if you will EVER be able to see the world with that childlike wonder again, especially to a heart like Anne's....to a heart like mine...

"....Oh, everybody has been so dear and good and lovely to me, Marilla. I'm not ungrateful--and perhaps--when this horrible ache grows a little less--I'll find that I can go on living."

....Anne {eventually} found that she could go on living; the day came when she even smiled again over one of Miss Cornelia's speeches. But there was something in the smile that had never been in Anne's smile before and would never be absent from it again.

I think that last line has held powerful meaning to me. "But there was something in the smile that had never been in Anne's smile before and would never be absent from it again." I understand that now! I really do! My smile may have changed....my laughter may be different...I may have altered somewhat in my world view....and sometimes people may not understand my choices or my pain or my silliness....

But today.....

I am pregnant with hope....pregnant with purpose...pregnant with the future that HE has for me.

No....my "eyes" cannot SEE the WHAT or the HOW or the WHEN, but my heart & my spirit are alive with this powerful hope for the future.

And that makes me smile....

....and laugh....

....and oh yeah....

....and I'm even doing a bit of a happy dance!

Hello...little girl! It's GRRRREEEAAATTT to see YOU again...I've missed ya! ;)

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