I almost didn't write today.I have been "away" for about a week now, a bit heart sore, as my South African friends would say.
Heart sore about the way life is...or isn't.
The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach.
So I just hibernated, nursing my physical body as well as my ailing soul....and slowly have been making my way back into the world of words and wisdom and light and love.
And then I remembered, yesterday, I think, what this week was all about.
My memories of all the stories and Scriptures came flooding into my heart.
So I just hibernated, nursing my physical body as well as my ailing soul....and slowly have been making my way back into the world of words and wisdom and light and love.
And then I remembered, yesterday, I think, what this week was all about.
My memories of all the stories and Scriptures came flooding into my heart.
Emily Freeman said, "...anything we do on earth that brings any kind of delight or fullness was made possible by death, because first comes love," and it reminded that in the midst of all of this is His love for me...
Even when I sit in the car in the parking lot of my doctor's office, crying angry, unrepentant tears to my sister.
Even when I feel the change come again this month, blood red, and I feel my heart plummet with the sorrow.
Even when my head spins, my body aches, and my heart rages with a ridiculous virus.
Even when I know that I am different than I used to be, that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot be that girl that I was before, that people look at me differently...
Even then.....the death of me is good and perfect and lovely because His love came first through His death to show me that love.
And for a moment, though I feel that I am in a pit, there is a light, at the end of the tunnel, and I realize that it hasn't disappeared, like I thought it did. We just took a little bend in the road, a pause to surrender again or anew. I'm not sure which really, but He is here.
And in the distance light, I see a momentary glimpse of my future where I am stronger, helping others, and I can see He is molding me, breaking me, filling me again and again because I want to be like Him. I asked, after all.
And so in death, I focus on the Light, remembering not only the price He paid for my sins, but also for my future to be sealed with promises yet unseen, and I will not back down until He says it is finished, even if some days, I just have to cry for a little while.
Writing for Five Minute Friday {and then some}
today with Lisa-Jo and other Five Minute Friday word mavericks,
where we take a prompt {Today :: Light}
and just right freely without editing or over-thinking.
Join me??
20 comments:
I feel your pain and said a prayer for you. I was there once not too long ago and it's hard. But God's hand will reach down and draw you out...in His time. Prayers for you while you wait for His hand.
"And in the distance light, I see a momentary glimpse of my future where I am stronger, helping others, and I can see He is molding me, breaking me, filling me again and again because I want to be like Him."
Becoming more and more like Him. Nothing makes His heart happier. And yet, there are still days, when we just need to cry a little. And grieve. Then let His light wash our grief anew. Morning comes. And with it, new hope. I'm praying for you, dear sister. May He fill you, with blessing and new life. All in His timing.
You have a beautiful heart.
{HUGS}
My soul reads and sends thoughts of hope on this Good Friday!
May this easter be a balm on your ailing soul!
I'm "heart sore" for you sweet, Lindsey. There is a Light...even when what your heart screams for seems out of reach.
Lindsey, I feel the ache in yoru words, the frustration and still, there's hope. Your heart, so sore with the brambles of living in a broken world still shines Christ, and if your suffering brings glory to Him, then you are blessed by being a blessing to others. I hope that doesn't sound calloused, because you know it is not meant to (at ALL!) Praying that He holds you on the hard days, that he wipes away your tears and breathes sweet joy into you, giving you strength to face whatever He sends. Love you.
I need to cry for awhile too. Sometimes scriptures that are supposed to give me hope and lift my faith actually fuel my hurt and angry fire. God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God.. Romans 8:28. When in the middle of my fire, I want to scream what good, nothing good can come from this! At that moment I release my fire and God's peace comes in. I still don't know what good will come, but at least the fire has been diminished and I can go on. It maybe a day later or a year later, but I will see the good God intended for me.
My heart aches for you. I love the way you are reminding us all that His love came first.
Here is a big huge motherly, heavenly, angel sent Hug. The angels gather up all your tears, all your prayers, all your praises and they lay them at the feet of His throne. You are His precious child.
May the peace that surpasses all understing flood u, lady in waiting. Much love
May the peace that surpasses all understing flood u, lady in waiting. Much love
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your kindness and understanding means the world.
Yes. Your words hold courage and encouragement given! I appreciate your kind heart and receiving the hugs today.
Thank you, Eva! I receive those blessings!
Thank you, Amy! I can hear your heart in your words...and THAT means so much!
Oh..I totally get you and understand what you mean! Some days ARE just....HARD! And yet He is there even when I beat against His chest...and on a day like today, I remember how He already bleed for my sorrows....and He can take it all.
Thank you, my sweetest precious friend!
Oh, Jennifer! Such wisdom in your words and your gracious way of sharing them embraces me into feeling that I am SO not alone. Your heart is precious, and I can tell you have "been there." Thank you for giving of yourself in this comment. THAT means so much to an achy heart like mine.
Thank you, Carrie...it is the ONE thing that makes the BIGGEST difference, right? His love coming FIRST.
Thank you, Ms. Kathleen! And I receive all of the blessings that you sent. I appreciate it!
Lindsey, your words, and your heart, are beautiful. These 'broken hallelujahs' that you are singing to your Lord are the hardest to give, and so are the most precious to Him. You have great treasure within you.
Oh the way you describe it...."broken hallelujahs"....wow..that is just about perfect and in two words hold SO MUCH GRACE! Your gift of words hit my heart with their gracious intensity! Thank you!
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