The Little Missionary Girl All Grown Up: August 2012

Friday, August 31, 2012

Five Minute Friday {And Then Some} :: Change

So yeah, I am one of those people.
You know them.
The one whose heart races when a big event is coming
The one whose mind gets carried away with the "certain" impending doom of a life transition.
The one whose paradigm getting shifted feels equivalent to the moving of Gibraltar.

I kinda hate change.
Okay, I really do.

I live with lots of variety and flexibility in my schedule and day.
I discover new interests or amazing truths weekly, if not daily.
I view dressing myself as an adventure, a canvas with where I can showcase my artistic heart.

And then...
It's time to move to Africa.
Or get married.
Or get into foster care.

And I am like, "WHOY! Back up the truck! I've gotta think!!

I.
NEED.
MORE.
TIME.

And then I feel faithless and guilty about my reticence, hesitance, unwillingness to jump blindly into the seasons that the Lord has planned, so He usually gives me SOLID, LARGE road signs as a flail wildly behind the wheel to let me know that I am indeed going in the right direction. And maybe, if I would just let Him drive and SHOW HIS ART for a minute, I might discover an amazing view along the way.

He is so patient.

Loving me.

Holding me.

Keeping my heart,

that He made,

close to His heart.

So I take a deep, deep, deep breath {AGAIN} and promise that I will try to keep my eyes open for the next roller coaster He wants to ride with me.

But I am pretty sure I will still scream.

Cause that's aloud right?

Fridays are the days where I join with this amazing posse -- Lisa-Jo and her Five-Minute Fridayers. The sole mission of this band of writing mavericks is to throw caution completely to the wind and pour heart on paper {ahem...screen} for just 5 minutes without editing or fixing or making it perfect and just so. Today, I needed a few extra minutes....just to get past the incessant editor in my head and the kitty determined to sit on my laptop.....and you know what....this place....there's grace for that too, even when it is scary to press publish and wonder if your words make sense or if your voice matters.

But I do it.
And they do.
And it does......and so do you, my friend.

Have you ever thought about joining?
Why not try it today?
Risk the change!
I would love to share in your journey.....

Thursday, August 30, 2012

When Faith Looks Like Wet Feet

"Faith isn't faith

until it's all you are holding on to."

My mom used to describe it as "holding onto Jesus for all you are worth."

I have never really thought of myself as a "great woman of faith."

I am analytical, skeptical, thoughtful, curious.
I am a plan-your-chess-moves-20-steps-ahead-girl. {If I even played chess that is...}
I seek understanding, purpose, meaning behind every life event, people interaction, and random nuance.

"Lindsey, you cannot know the end before the beginning..."

Another pearl of wisdom from my mother....she knew at a young age, when I would analyze her attempts at comforting, that parenting a child like me would require creativity, skill, and A LOT of wisdom from Jesus.

I just wanted to know. . . . . EVERYTHING!
I still do.

From grade school to college, that voracious appetite for knowledge served me well with teachers and classmates alike. Dubbed "The Sponge" by my college professors at graduation, I plunged into real world living with the same thirst for insight.

But how do you live out blind faith and trust in God with such a desire to dissect and master every morsel, every scrap, every particle of data?

In the wake of a now-looming decision last week, I found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, and disillusioned with my own feelings, fears, understandings, and timelines of our current journey -- foster care.

The longing to pursue this ministry gave birth in my heart more than two years ago. Yet my own current hesitance as well as pressure to receive cases.....children before certification is finalized, house details are arranged, back up care is permitted and a thousand other details leave me feeling lost in an avalanche of unexpected emotions, clawing their way through my already-fragile soul.

Brokenhearted at the path's unfolding,
Longing to find peace in the chaos,
Desperate to understand as well as be understood,
I sought refuge at my church's monthly week-long prayer meetings.
On the very first night.

Pouring out my soul to the Father,
I confessed my guilt and condemnation over not having the faith I have seen in the Word.
Faith like Paul to stand before kings.
Faith like Peter to walk on water.
Faith like David to face the giant.

And then....
Just like a whisper, breathing life into my bones like a sunset ocean breeze...

He said,
"Faith isn't always in the big moments. In the grand gestures. Faith does not always have to look like jumping in the deep end. Sometimes faith is just being obedient like Moses to stand before a nation of people, step into the water from the shoreline, and believe that somehow, some way, there will be a pathway through that Red Sea."

To step in, even ankle deep, in front of other people knowing you might fail, or look stupid, or be drowned by the enormity of the obstacles in your path, well, let me say...it takes the breathe right out of my heart.

Yet, somehow.....
Where I am weak.
He is strong.

Because as I step in faith,
He holds the water back,
keeping me dry.

The threats might still surround me.
I mean, imagine how Moses and the Israelite people must have felt with gigantic swells of moisture roaring as wall-like monsters to the left and to the right of them. They had to trust that God would fulfill His promise to take them to the other side.

The first step might not have seemed like that big of a deal. After all he was just sticking his toes into the water. But just like "the first cut is the deepest," the inaugural step of faith into every new endeavor takes faith that only God in His infinite wisdom can impart into your bones.

So where do I go?
Back to Him.
Back to my knees.
Safe in the shelter of His wings.
Even as my feet start to get a little wet.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Project 365 :: Day 219-238

A few weeks of planning for a gala, visiting with out-of-town friends, a 50th birthday party, prayer with my church, and lots of normal days in between filled with ups and downs and moments living life out loud.

Thanks for taking this ride with me....

Day 219 :: Chillin' after Insanity

#MyHardWorker

Day 220 :: Sporting my 80's inspired stylings

Day 221 :: Summer fun polish from Essie and Klout

Day 222 :: Hanging out with two of my best girls {Mom and Sis}

Day 223 :: A little stop at Tom & Jerry's for a LARGE coffee

for my love on our way to a meeting

Day 224 :: Happy 50th, Uncle Ranny!!

Day 225 :: These pretty purple flowers surprised us by

flourished unexpected on the little bushes on our back yard hill

Day 226 :: Sis and I had lots of errands to do prepping for the

fundraising gala for my parents ministry in Haiti. It took us

ALL over, including this road in between two corn fields! ;-)

Day 227 :: I forgot to take a pic on this Tuesday, but this one is

from the next day. Patches had her first bath EVER and she really hated it!

REALLY HATED IT!!

She finally stopped crying once I wrapped her in a towel and held her close.

Day 228 :: About once a week, I make Arno protein fruit smoothies

after his Insanity work outs. #Mhmmm They are so good!!

{if I do say so myself}

Day 229 :: To Haiti, With Love - A 40 Year Journey into a Heart of a Nation

Celebrating 40 years of marriage and ministry in Haiti

as well as a fundraising gala to build on the future years to come

Day 230 :: Spent the weekend with some amazing out of town guests

whose visits are too few and far between...this is me and sis with

our Haitian-missionary grandma at Assateague National Park.

#LoveHer

Day 231 :: Chillin' with my adoptive niece, Bella-Joy

Day 232 :: Generations...making friends

Day 233 :: After a challenging Monday, this is exactly where I

needed to be -- prayer time at my church - Answer the Call

Day 234 :: So these are the kids that I nanny 1 to 2 days a week.

This is them "Walking Me To The Car"

Hahahahahaha

And yes...they seat-belted THEMSELVES in!!

Day 235 :: My dad "serving" my mom

Such a humble guy!

Hahahahaa

Day 236 :: "Our" boy hanging out in our back yard

#ThisMakesMeHappy #LoveItWhenHeVisits

Day 237 :: Prepping to make some choc chip cookies

with a little Heath bar thrown in for good measure

Day 238 :: A rainy Saturday

I'm on a journey, chronicling my life with a picture a day for a year. I hope to discover the world around me in my day-to-day life in a uniquely different way as well as learn more about my DSLR to better capture those precious moments.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Five Minute Friday :: Join

Every little girl wants to join
To be a part.
To feel accepted.

And then we grow up.
Into women.
Who want to join.
To be a part.
To feel accepted.

As a missionary or third culture kid, those moments often seem few and far between.
Who am I?
Where do I belong?

I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls.
Can I just be me?
Will that be safe?
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?

From blogging to small groups to Sunday church service
From the car pool club to the home owner's association
It seems like there is never-ending opportunities...

To feel scared
To be rejected
To risk being unloved

Or...

To find a kindred spirit
To heal a wound
To bridge a gap
To know that I'm okay.

Will I take the leap....and just join in?
Will you?

I've been a little quiet in this space over the summer. Just life. And tough decisions. And HUGE question marks have made life seem a little overwhelming. I have even backed away from my favorite girlfriend-cyberspace-meetingplace. As my soul soaks in His mercies, His graces, His presence, His love, I hope to open my heart up here again. I miss it. And I miss YOU....all you lovely readers and bloggers who share this journey with me. Thank you for praying for me, for us as we navigate through the scary feelings of the foster care certification dance, baby longings, dealing with chronic pain....and more. Your presence, spoken or quietly supporting, means the world!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Releasing To The Fall

I have long had a fascination with personality types, even as as child I think, though I may not have understood exactly what I was analyzing at that point.

The natural bent towards psychology in my undergrad probably seemed natural to most people, because of this, although I still waited 3 semesters before choosing it. AND then I added communications, too, double majoring. Somehow ONE interest alone did not fill my quest for knowledge and understanding.

I am sure that plays into my temperament as well.

With all the ways to chronicle character traits, long my favorite, Myers Briggs is the one that I continue to come back to because the more I read about myself and those closest to me, the better I understand them. The more I seem to "get" people around me. The world just makes a little more sense.

The Teacher.
The Giver.
The Mentor.
Depending on which site you come across describes the ENFJ.
Me.

I get lost in the accuracy of these descriptions and true to my personality, find a deeper understanding as well as REAL LIFE application the more that I learn....soaking up the knowledge like a sponge.

My friend, fellow-blogger, and partner ENFJ, Kamille, started off her most recent blog post about her newest family addition like this...

"I'm a natural optimist with a slight worry, anxiety prone bent. Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. What has saved me over the years is knowing Jesus. Ever since a small child I've been drawn to his goodness that never fails. I've instinctively believed in who he said & says he is."

I felt myself exhale when I read her words.

"I am not alone in this paradox of trust and worry, joy and fear, love and hate."

It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future.

I often find myself frustrated and prepared to pay penance for my dichotomous ways, especially in the wake of the ongoing traumas of the past few years {Haiti earthquake, unknown chronic illness, 4-year-plus-infertility journey, etc} where my fears and anxieties show signs of dominating the person I once knew and loved within myself.

So bottom line, setting aside the circumstances of LIFE, living in this polarity is well....HARD.
VERY.
VERY.
HARD.

To describe a daily need to stop and remind myself to breathe deep in-and-out like a motivational exercise video would not be an exaggeration.

It seems the older I get to more I realize, like Kamille, that I need Jesus.
Desperately.
Unequivocally.

And serving Him is often like a roller coaster ride with no harness, straps or seat, blasting into the sky, cannon ball style screaming and grasping for something to hold onto.

And when I look with spirit-eyes, there He is.
My Jesus.
Laughing.
Wind in His hair.
Flying high with me.
Arms around me.
Whispering...
"I've got you, babe."

There in that moment.
I learn ALL OVER AGAIN
To just let go.

*photo credit*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Melaia turned to the waterfall
and watched the droplets
form, gather weight, and splash down.
Only in releasing itself to fall
did the water offer its cleansing gift." ~Karyn Henley, Breath of Angel

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Friday, August 10, 2012

Five Minute Friday :: Connect

They know me well these two.
One my junior by 4 years, yet in her stature towers over me by at least two inches....maybe three.
The other wears a crown of glory in silver and gray. The papers called me her "promised one" because of the loss of her firstborn and another never to see the light of day.

I call them Sister and Mom.
They call me Crazy.

And I am...
...with them.
The best version of me.

We plan. We tell stories. We laugh.
It's in the little things.
We've been in these moments a hundred times before.
Making of most of today.

Our missionary family journey taught us that....the way life's hardest journeys do
To value the here and now, to be fully ALL there,
And even more so to be WHO YOU ARE
And LOVE WHO YOU ARE WITH

It is not easy to slow the heart and mind to that place
It is not simple to find the time to set aside other competing agendas to love on each other even in the errands and fundraising and shopping and necessities.

But somehow we do.
And it is really is beautiful.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Project 365 :: Day 191-217

Between best friend having a baby, a yucky week long sickness, and major catch up in between, life continues to be hectic and filled with lots of internal activity as well. I hope to get back into writing again soon but until I get that routine down...please enjoy my continuation of Project 365 minus a few missing days from the past 4 weeks...