When Life Is Full Of Unanswered Questions

When we left South Africa, a year ago this week to take an extended sabbatical period, I was really scared.

Are we doing the right thing?

Is this TRULY God's plan for us?

How can I be 100% sure that we are walking

in God's perfect will for us in this season?

These and hundreds of other questions floated around in my mind for months & months causing me fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow, pain, heartache.

I remember telling my mom at one point,

"This is either the best or the worst decision of our lives."

And feeling that emotion & dealing with those thoughts put an enormous amount of pressure to find "the purpose" or "the reason" in all of this -- this season of feeling that our life, as we knew it, is indefinitely on hold.

For what??

I.

don't.

know.

How do you answer other people's questions when the ones in your own head are screaming for answers that have yet to be unraveled?

And then.

A few weeks ago, I came across this Scripture:

“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,

with faith and love in Christ Jesus.

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—

guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”

-2 Timothy 1:13-14

And suddenly, it hit me.

I am HERE....NOW because I needed to guard my heart.

Live to fight another day.

Protect the goose that lays the golden egg {as my wise husband likes to say it}.

And for us, for me, that was stopping, resting, taking a time out to stop my perfectionistic, analytical, problem-solving, energy-filled, purpose-driven self from running out of steam too soon.

I know that the Lord told me over a year ago that if I kept up at the pace that I was going I would die.

Yes, I said it.

I.

Would.

Die.

That's hard to type that.

Hard to admit that I was "there".

Hard to know that "I" got myself there in many ways by my SUPER-DOOPER-DRIVEN self.

And in the process the storms of life, the heartaches in relationships, and the trials of man took their toll on this little girl. Because THAT is exactly how I felt - like a broken little girl - longing, hoping, wishing, praying....and yet feeling so alone.

And in the darkest hour, Grace answered my cries....

He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

Grace made room for my sorrow, hurt, pain, & brokenness.

Grace gave me room to rediscover my Savior, myself, my purpose.

And I am still on that journey.

In many ways, I don't have any more definitive answers today than I did one year ago.

But, walking this journey has opened my eyes to truths for which I will one day find the words.

I know that some people have not understood the choices we have made.

I mean - I don't even understand them.

But I think grace/love/purpose look a little different than people may think,
MUCH Different than I thought.

That's for sure.

So because He rescued me, I cling to Him, even when I want to scream and pound His chest in angst and frustration.

I cling to Him.

Grace has captured my heart & soul.

And I know....nothing is wasted with my Jesus.

All of THIS will be redeemed.