There is something really cool about blogging (and photographing) your life.
You READ and SEE the changes up close and personal.
It is kind of an amazing thing!
Here are some glimpses of my journey through 2012, month by month.
Feel free to browse through and find the one or ones that speak to you most.
It has been a beautiful year -- a Relentless one {more on that One Word pilgrimage coming soon},
and it is my pleasure to be able to share it with you!
You READ and SEE the changes up close and personal.
It is kind of an amazing thing!
Here are some glimpses of my journey through 2012, month by month.
Feel free to browse through and find the one or ones that speak to you most.
It has been a beautiful year -- a Relentless one {more on that One Word pilgrimage coming soon},
and it is my pleasure to be able to share it with you!
Snow-Quiet Moments
"With more energy and life now, I pick up my postal delivery and flit out the door to bask in the not-quite-yet-wonderland. As magical as the morning dusk to some, this midnight hour is to me. The world is quiet. The snow falls tiny and unnoticed. There is no one around."
Who Am I To Judge?
"But where is the love? Where is the redemption in my heart? Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family? Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?"
"With more energy and life now, I pick up my postal delivery and flit out the door to bask in the not-quite-yet-wonderland. As magical as the morning dusk to some, this midnight hour is to me. The world is quiet. The snow falls tiny and unnoticed. There is no one around."
Who Am I To Judge?
"But where is the love? Where is the redemption in my heart? Where is the desire for restoration and reunification of the family? Where is it in me, the one who has been hand-held on a pilgrimage of grace, who was broken open to understand how he redeems my broken places, and who continues to walk a path of relentless grace and mercy?"
February
His Banner Over Me Is Love
"And on and on and on and on it goes. It rages and storms and beats and batters and bruises my wounded soul until I have shocked and scared her into a submission she was not meant to endure. Anxiety. That demon-monster puts its clutches into every fiber of my being, my very humanity, until the voice of the One whom I have known since I was a little girl is replaced with HIS horrid mantra."
"And on and on and on and on it goes. It rages and storms and beats and batters and bruises my wounded soul until I have shocked and scared her into a submission she was not meant to endure. Anxiety. That demon-monster puts its clutches into every fiber of my being, my very humanity, until the voice of the One whom I have known since I was a little girl is replaced with HIS horrid mantra."
Happiness is Overrated....or Is It?
"And so....happiness is overrated....became my motto. I figured. God never promised us that we would be happy, just that He would be with us. And He was always with me. Of that, I am sure."
March
Can I Truly Love?
(The internal wrestling at the beginning of our foster care journey)
To be Fearless
"Tippy-toeing on broken glass. Holding new life in my hands. Walking through the creepy forest of fairy tale lore. Grasping. Wailing. Bleeding. From fear that holds me hostage...."
Brave
"I want to be brave. Brave enough to swim the English channel. Climb Pike's Pea.k And travel around the world on a wing and a prayer. I want to be brave. Brave enough to say I'm sorry. I forgive you.
I love you. I need you."
Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope
"I sat frozen by the news. After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart."
Where I Fly
(The internal wrestling at the beginning of our foster care journey)
To be Fearless
"Tippy-toeing on broken glass. Holding new life in my hands. Walking through the creepy forest of fairy tale lore. Grasping. Wailing. Bleeding. From fear that holds me hostage...."
Brave
"I want to be brave. Brave enough to swim the English channel. Climb Pike's Pea.k And travel around the world on a wing and a prayer. I want to be brave. Brave enough to say I'm sorry. I forgive you.
I love you. I need you."
Getting Stronger :: A Story of Hope
"I sat frozen by the news. After more than two years of "trying," taking various tests, and crying and praying for a breakthrough, the word that something truly biological may really be blocking us from holding our own precious babes ravages through my heart."
Where I Fly
(a favorite childhood place...written poetry style)
April
Light
"The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach."
"The things that I am longing for, knowing that I need to be thankful for what I have but just tired of daily having to search and to look and to see His mercies and grace, when the big things that I have so desperately prayed for and waited for and yearned for, for SO long seem to always be JUST out of reach."
In the Shadows
"I have spent a few years living life amongst the shadows. At first the shadow was small, apparent, yet not overpowering, but the longer it lingered, it seemed to loom larger until another shadow appeared, making the first seem insignificant. These two shadows vyed for the light, each taking more, in a battle to win the duel. And still yet another appeared, and then another, threatening to choke every shard of light from my life."
Community
(Where I learned that community was not as far away as I thought it was)
May
The Artist's Voice
"Artists SEE each other.
We recognize greatness. We understand the way one's heart is worn on the sleeve. We hear the unique drumbeat even when it varies from our own. And we champion the aspirations within those faces we see. At least that is how it is supposed to be."
To the Childless Mothers
(encouragement for the moms with no babies to hold...including me)
"Artists SEE each other.
We recognize greatness. We understand the way one's heart is worn on the sleeve. We hear the unique drumbeat even when it varies from our own. And we champion the aspirations within those faces we see. At least that is how it is supposed to be."
To the Childless Mothers
(encouragement for the moms with no babies to hold...including me)
What She Did Not Know (A Letter to my Mom)
"When she said yes to ministry, to my dad, to missions, and to motherhood, she did not know the road she would travel. When she embarked on her adventure as a newlywed missionary to the island of Hispaniola, she never imagined the trials she would need to overcome. When she carried her firstborn child in her womb, accepting the mantle of motherhood at the ripe age of 22, she had no idea the heartache that awaited her, not years but months later."
June
The Voice in my Head
"And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting."
"And somehow, even when I am sitting still, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute screaming at my body and soul to be productive or to make more lists. I feign relaxation on the outside in hopes of tricking my being into believing that it is actually resting."
July
"I am whimsy and prose. I wonder why people don't SEE into each other more.
I hear animals talk. I see fairies in my forest.
I want babies to call my own. I am whimsy and prose."
Coming Home
"Coming home to them is like coming back to family. But a "different" kind of family. This family does not all speak the same language, live in the same house, or even look alike. This family hails from places like Jellico, TN or Jacmel, Ayiti and more town and cities whose soil has never met my feet. This family loves me, not because we share blood or ancestry; their love comes from living this common, simple life together. It blooms from growing up together."
August
Join
"I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls.
Can I just be me? Will that be safe?
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?"
Releasing to the Fall
"It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future."
"I think what's funny though is how that is really the heart cry of all of us, especially us girls.
Can I just be me? Will that be safe?
Will you love me in spite of the prickles and spines that you see in me?"
Releasing to the Fall
"It's scary sometimes to live and love so wildly and passionately with one breath and with the next cringe and long to crouch in fear with the anticipation of the unknown future."
September
In the Tension of the Waiting
"Inside I feel small. Insignificant. Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers....
Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly. Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style."
I Wish It Was Different
"I wish it was different. I wish I could be the one they need me to be. I wish I was not so altered by life and circumstances and living away. I wish I knew how to bridge the ever-widening gap. I wish I felt connected to them. I wish they had let their guards down years ago to let me know them. I wish I could set it all aside and just love them like Jesus."
The Journey of Finding Courage
"I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome."
"Inside I feel small. Insignificant. Unimportant in the sea of artists, photographers, designers, administrators, counselors, professors, ministers, pastors, teachers, writers, mothers....
Juxtaposed is the heart of a warrior princess bursting to fly. Longing to dream big, to follow rainbows to the pot-o-gold end, to dance on clouds Care-Bear-style."
I Wish It Was Different
"I wish it was different. I wish I could be the one they need me to be. I wish I was not so altered by life and circumstances and living away. I wish I knew how to bridge the ever-widening gap. I wish I felt connected to them. I wish they had let their guards down years ago to let me know them. I wish I could set it all aside and just love them like Jesus."
The Journey of Finding Courage
"I did not know two and half years ago when God was placing that little seed of possibility in my heart sitting in my home in South Africa, the full spectrum of emotions my heart would have to overcome."
October
31 Days of Story
I wrote for 31 days on my childhood, adolescent, and college years. I am not even sure how to pick one to highlight BUT Day 11 was my first vlog ever and a favorite story of mine to tell filled with an airport shooting and all so if you missed it the first time...THAT would be a fun one to check out!
I wrote for 31 days on my childhood, adolescent, and college years. I am not even sure how to pick one to highlight BUT Day 11 was my first vlog ever and a favorite story of mine to tell filled with an airport shooting and all so if you missed it the first time...THAT would be a fun one to check out!
November
When You Just Cannot Make Sense of It All
"Cry. Cry hard and deep and long and good. Run. Run fast and strong. Beat your chest. Raise your fist to the sky. Shout up at the heavens and scream, "Why?" Fall into a puddle. and cry some more.
Sit with your grie.f Your questions. Your anger. Your heartbreak. Feel them deep. Deep into your soul. In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep."
When Tears Come
"Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin. Sometimes the movement in your soul violates the peace, the joy, the radiance He longs to display within all those broken pieces."
"Cry. Cry hard and deep and long and good. Run. Run fast and strong. Beat your chest. Raise your fist to the sky. Shout up at the heavens and scream, "Why?" Fall into a puddle. and cry some more.
Sit with your grie.f Your questions. Your anger. Your heartbreak. Feel them deep. Deep into your soul. In the place where deep cries out to fathomless deep."
When Tears Come
"Sometimes the ache is so big you can hardly breathe. Sometimes the sorrow feels so real you cannot separate it from your skin. Sometimes the movement in your soul violates the peace, the joy, the radiance He longs to display within all those broken pieces."
December
Open-Handed Love
"You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly. She lets them love me and have a relationship with me And not just me But others too Whom they both love JUST as freely."
"You see, Emily and her husband, Wayne had to wait a long time for these two gifts, so they do not take parenting lightly, and the most beautiful thing, they do not hold it selfishly. She lets them love me and have a relationship with me And not just me But others too Whom they both love JUST as freely."
When One Shines Brighter
"I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time."
Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All
"So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ... for the mother who mourns for her child, for the soldier far from home, for the loved one dead and gone, for the relationships broken and beyond repair, for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten, this Christmas."
"I think back to that moment and smile at how in a swarm of people, the ones we love shines brighter than all the rest. My theatrical mind can hear the musical score and see the lighting effects fading everything else into the background. I feel swept up in the beauty of that space and time."
Tears at Christmas and the Greatest Gift of All
"So today from a heart who knows brokenness, my heart aches ... for the mother who mourns for her child, for the soldier far from home, for the loved one dead and gone, for the relationships broken and beyond repair, for the lonely and the desperate and the forgotten, this Christmas."
Thank you so much for letting me share my ongoing story with you in this space. Your presence and comments and interactions are a constant gift to me!
6 comments:
I LOVE this!!! I am brewing my morning coffee and will click on the links above! (Having only found you in October... I am thrilled to read through some highlights with you! ...and then, I may take this idea and run with it on my blog as well!) What a fun way to wrap up the year!
Love this and thank you for sharing!! I am so glad I "met" you!! Thank you for being real!!
Happy New Year! I am going to take some time to read through some of these posts. I think I missed some. Looking forward to all that 2013 brings to you!
Thank you for that! What a sweet gift to me! Appreciate you!
You too, Jenn! Enjoying getting to know you more!
What a gift you are, sweet Karrilee! Thank you! Did you end up sharing this on your blog?
Post a Comment