Five Minute Friday: Unexpected

Have I mentioned how much I love The Gypsy Mama?

She is from my husband's homeland and understands what it feels like to live in places outside of the country of your birth.

She is a word weaver, and I adore the way she paints a picture using those beautiful colors. I got to meet her and share heart morsels with her at Relevant, and that was pretty fabulous!

Five Minute Friday has long been my favorite writing party, and it is even MORE special now that I not only met Lisa-Jo, but also so many super cool ladies who link up there! It is a pretty special place, and if you haven't visited, you SO should.

So on with the 5 minutes....

Today's topic is......UNEXPECTED {heehee}

GO.

When I began my 31 day journey last month, I wasn't sure what would happen what I would discover. I only knew that I HAD to do it. I had to write. I had to {RE}discover. I had to know that there was MORE to this journey than "just because". I wanted to find the purpose or at least A purpose.

I could never have imagined that 25 days later, I would be living a dream -- to rub shoulders with writers, dreamers, artists who are also Godly, compassionate, loving women, wanting to change the world, THEIR world with the gift and talents that God gave them -- their words.

To pour out one's heart and brokenness on paper or screen, with fear & trepidation that actually defines strength and character is not something that I comes easy, and yet in this beautiful place, we call Relevant, there were many of these brave & mighty warriors.

I didn't know when I started rediscovering that I would find women after my own heart.
Women after His heart.
So beautiful.
So awesome.
So broken.
So like me.

STOP.

The Journey of Being Found

"The best part of hiding is being found."

~Emily Freeman

Hi. My name is Lindsey

And I'm a good girl.

{Hi, Lindsey}

A little over 6 months ago, I stumbled across this blog post by Emily Freeman talking about her book to be released in September. I had "discovered" her amazing writing voice a month or two before when she discussed the art inside of us, living it, breathing it, and much more.

Well, then there was this crazy amazing post that she wrote for (in)courage, which was the first post where I ever cried, and it just rocked my world!

But when I listened to this video and how she talked about letting go of the life where you try SO HARD to get it "right" and just cannot seem to make it happen, my heart leapt with the satisfaction of FINALLY being understood. I wanted to shout at my computer screen, "You get me! You get me!"

I even wrote a post about it a couple months later, how God is taking me from being good to being graced.

But I had yet to read her grace-filled words in the book package of Grace for the Good Girl until now....and since Christina suggested we read and link up posts together from what we learn, I thought it would be a good idea to get over any "good girl" qualities left in there by being open and free to share here....with you! And while overcoming "the good girl" will probably be a life long goal, being honest with my journey is MORE than half the battle, right?

Being a good girl does not look the same for every woman. You may have grown up in the church and always done the right thing, or you might have been the rebellious teenager in youth group that made the leaders quake with fear, speculating as to what trouble you might be into next. You might have only discovered Jesus when you were a grown up and now spend your days trying SO desperately to make up for lost time by being a good girl in every way possible.

For me, being the good girl, looked like loving Jesus from the time I was a little itty bity girl. I only knew life with Jesus. I really cannot remember before that. I always wanted so desperately to please Him in every area and to be a "good" Christian girl. I think maybe that is because people applauded and patted you on the back. Words are my love language, so I lapped them up like a love-starved puppy, feeling "good" about myself and thinking that my value was found there.

Emily connects it to wearing a mask:

"Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time. After a while, though, recycled air become stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren't become a burden rather than a game. Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief."

Coming home to the Father, to my Heavenly Daddy, basking in the knowledge of His love, reminding myself of it over and over again, realizing that it was real for me no matter how I performed or looked or acted became the new processes in which my mind had to work through.

But it didn't come easy.

It still doesn't.

"I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn't? To read between the lines of faith is to see Jesus. But reading between the lines takes work and invisible trust and the disregard of feeling.

I feel fear.....even for those to whom truth has been revealed, fear can be a loud and abusive motivator.

Fear drives

But Love leads."

I was working so hard to be a good girl, to be obedient, to be humble, to be submissive that I forgot to be truly authentic. Even though I prided myself with being REAL, I was lying to myself while telling everyone else the truth for THEIR lives.

"Maybe you are hiding from your dreams because to face them would mean admitting they are there. And to admit that they are there would mean you aren't living them after all."

This journey of grace

of discovery

of being found BY HIM

of living the life HE destined

stirs in the innermost being the desire to be....

"....A true you. An authentic, accurate expression of himself. A woman who is more than just a watered-down version of good."

Question from Emily:

Do you agree that that the best part of hiding is being found? Why or why not?

I am a Writer

My life was on a one-way track, moving forward and upward with every decision, promotion, decision, and goal.

Graduate from an accredited high school with honors.

Check.

Get into great Christian university.

Check.

Be involved in activities, clubs, groups, leadership AND try to graduate with honors from college.

Check.

Travel the U.S. and as many countries as possible.

Check.

Find a job out of college that I love, working in full-time ministry.

Check.

Keep growing in ministry potential & leadership positions.

Check.

Get married {okay, so this one took awhile...but eventually....}

Check.

Move into ministry & leadership opportunities as a couple.

Check.

My life was good.

I loved working with & ministering to people, traveling the world, living the dream with my best friend & love of my life. Granted, I thought I would get married a "bit" younger, but nonetheless, I grew tremendously on my own and with God in amazing ways as a single woman, so I felt that God had prepared me for where He was taking us as a couple.

Yeah, life was good.

I mean, heck, life was pretty, crazy fabulous.

And then, something happened.

I struggle to truly pinpoint a day

A moment in time

A specific instance

where I can say, "That was it. That was where everything changed."

In many ways, it seemed like I woke up one day, and thought,

What's happening to me?

Where am I?

Why is my life not what I dreamed or wanted it to be?

WHO AM I?

What would that romantic dreamer of a girl,

growing up on the sunny isle of Hispaniola

say if she could have taken a peek into this season of her life?

How did I end up here?

And so, true to the psychologist in my brain, I analyzed.

Living away from family and friends in a country where you were not raised is hard.

Struggling to conceive for over three years would disappoint even the strongest of hearts.

Battling with unknown chronic pain for the majority of the duration of living on said foreign soil until present day looms on the verge of impossible.

And then of course the day the bottom fell out....

Finding out that my island home was ravaged by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake, and being cut off from all communication with my heroes -- my parents -- not knowing if they were dead or alive competed with Titanic-level catastrophe in this mortal body.

And I was undone.

I felt finished.

I think I thought I would die.

And some days, I wished I would.

It's been a long road from that space in time, and yet if I could tell you now, a reason, a purpose, a why, or a how I got to that place, it would not be any of the heartbreaks or tragedies that I mentioned.

The reason that I found myself out of alignment with my dreams was because I silenced the dreamer, the artist, the creative force inside of my mind and heart, screaming for a voice.

I.

SHUT.

HER.

UP.

In one fail swoop.

Unwittingly.

Naively, even.

On the altar of the practical, the agenda, the purpose, the destiny.

So, in the midst of the greatest pain that my soul had ever known,

a writer emerged.

Nervous.

Fearful.

Filled with trepidation,

but a writer nonetheless.

And from the ashes, Jesus has been making something beautiful.

And so I write.

Because I must.

Because it healed me.

Because it set me free.

Because the dreamer has to dream.

Because the artist must create.

Because I was born for this.

I am a writer.

Five Minute Friday: I Remember

Oh, yay! It's Friday!

Time to let loose, be free, allow the words to just flow. It's not easy to take the limits off, to unhinge that part of the brain that says, "Filter. Edit. Be careful." And honestly, I don't know that I have it all down yet, so that is why I write on these Five Minute Fridays -- to learn to LET GO....

Last week, I got to be one of the peeps to get the prompt from The Gypsy Mama LIVE.

Eeeeee!

How thrilling THAT was!

And then to be in a writing class doing TWO 5 minute challenges LIVE!

Scary stuff!

LET ME TELL YOU!

It almost made me want to throw in the towel on this whole writing thing and then.....well, you can read about that HERE!

For today....let's just be free and............REMEMBER!!

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

{via @Inspired_Ones}

GO.

Growing up in the balmy breezes of the Caribbean sea, finds you in a life much different from the one of your ancestors, if you are of Anglo-Saxton heritage, that is.

That was me.

Living as a missionary kid.

I was born into that life. I did not choose it.
I guess you would say it chose me.

I can remember from the time that I EVEN can remember, struggling with the dichotemy of what that made me.
How can one person be from two worlds?

I can remember hating it.
Hating that it made me different.
Hating that it made me "special."

And then I would look around me
at the hungry
the poor
the lonely
the broken

And I remember that it made me thankful
for His grace
His goodness
His mercies in my life.

I remember wanting so desperately to fit in
FOR.
SO.
LONG.
and Finally realizing after a LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNG time,

That I Never Would.

So I remember deciding to be me.
To love me.
To embrace me.
To walk in my own shoes
To be comfortable in my own skin.

Ahhh, yes. I remember.

STOP.

Ugh...so I totally couldn't remember how to spell "dichotemy" while I was typing, which I am still spelling wrong but in the spirit of this writing challenge WILL NOT look it up before I post and PLEASE don't tell me in the comments...I will look it up AFTER I publish for the appeasement of the editor screaming in my head.

Thank you.

{sigh}

I feel better getting THAT off of my chest! HeeHee!! I usually self edit as I go along, and I learned this weekend that it may be holding me back as a writer so I am trying to "give up control" to the Red Pen Bandit. {still taking deep breaths}.

So yeah....ENJOY!

The End from the Beginning

This new world loomed large in my mind's eye, like a mystery yet to be unraveled.

Daunting and impossible, my heart buried the desire to spread its wings and fly

To the place where dreamers dance and artists paint with words of sorrow & joy

So in the secret of my heart, fantasy lies down to give space for practicality

Until the thinly veiled wall cracks under the weight of The Master's hidden potential

And, like Alice in the Looking Glass, I step through the magical mirror into a dream,

transformed by the wonder of the promise, the Relevant moment that is now,

amazed, thankful by this gift from my Father, who knows the end from the beginning......

Linking with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop challenge to post in 8 lines

and Bonnie's Faith Barista on a gift that I recently received from God.

More about the Relevant 2011 blogging conference ::

I am going to Relevant

The Importance of Being Relevant

I am a Writer

Life Application Study Bible Devotional :: Daily Wisdom from the Life of Jesus

The Life Application Study Bible Devotional breaks down your daily connection time with God into several categories to help you walk away with more than simply checking off your list that you have now accomplished your quiet time for the day. In this particular devotional, Daily Wisdom From the Life of Jesus, you feel as if you could learn not only from the fully God part of the Master, but also from His daily human walk.

Each week a topic is chosen from Jesus' personal journey on this earth like Jesus is Born, Jesus Raises Lazarus, Jesus is Betrayed, and much more filling all 52 weeks of the year with decisions, joys, & heartbreaks that marked Jesus' path on this earthy road. The LASB devotional breaks down this process through four categories:

Reading the Word

Read a verse or passage of Scripture relevant to that day's journey

Setting the Scene

Jesus constantly interacted with people. Here the story takes center stage.

Getting Personal

If we don't apply the Word to our lives, the Bible says it is like looking in a mirror, walking away, and forgetting what you look like, so here you make it REAL!

Talking to God

This is where you make the connection, taking the lesson and

applying it to your relationship with Him.

My Review ::

I have a love/hate relationship with structure in my personal Bible study time, and I am fully aware that this is so indicative of my personality in many ways! So while I absolute love how the LASB devotional covers every area that I would want to cover as in my quiet time, I am torn by the fact that I need more freedom to forge my own path. With that being said, I truly loved that this devotional was all about Jesus. I felt that I could really see a window into His heart through the various topics. This book covers 52 weeks, so I obviously did not have time to read every day before writing this review, however, I would encourage those who are serious about taking their intimate connection with Jesus to the next level and are not sure how exactly to go about it, to pick up this devotional and discover (or {RE}discover) the heart of the Savior.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Tyndale House Publishers as part of their Blogger Review Program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commision's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

#JustWrite

After writing for 31 days straight, coming off of an incredible conference in Pennsylvania at Relevant, and reading through post upon post of new friends and others's experiences, not to mention all of the cool giveaways linked up at The Nester's blog, I planned NOT to write today, but something inside of me felt incomplete, unfulfilled, lacking in some way.

And since I have devoured my Twitter feed in a whole new way since returned from Relevant '11, I kept seeing #JustWrite come up, so I after a few of those subtle reminders, I thought, "Lindsey, JUST WRITE!"

You see, I have so much that I have learned, so much that God had been teaching me, such buried treasure He has spent time digging up inside of my very soul. I am not sure what to do with it all quite yet, not sure how to put the lessons into words, the journey into purpose, the destiny into magic.

So I #JustWrite because I must. I am a writer. Words are the tools with which I craft my art. This mechanical contraption with fruitful heritage becomes the instrument where I can breath life into my ordinary moments.

I pause. I ponder. I wonder. How to do this without editing, without fixing, without fuss.
I discovered this weekend that I am not naturally gifted in the freedom of allowing words to flow freely like a river from my soul, crashing, caressing, weaving their refreshment onto the souls of those with whom their paths may cross.

So I #JustWrite.

I simply let my heart go, let my mind loose, let my meditations find wings.

Or at least I try.

Because I am not just a blogger.
A girl with a computer, writing her stories, her travels, her heartbeat, her song
A women who find beauty in brokenness.
I am an artist.
His creative palate which which He paints a beautiful portrait of His purpose and His life.
I am free to be.

To be.
To be ALL that He has called and meant for me to be,
Since before the foundation of time where He took my place
that I might live

this life fill with freedom

and purpose

and destiny

and wholeness.

So, I......

#JustWrite.

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 31 - The Pursuit

31 days ago, I embarked on a journey of {RE}discovery.

Longing to find the Father's heart, to understand my Savior's love, and to experience afresh the Spirit's peace, I forged on a path which made me tremble and quake with the potential locked inside of this October month.

I started off pretty scared as to what this journey had to offer, but was quickly reminded that He is truly precious to me.

Within the first few days, I felt discouraged that this journey was futile or uninspired, but eventually remembered that He puts the lonely in families and in friendships.

He taught me to {RE}discover Him in the ordinary and how to let go of my own way/self/desires to open the door for others to come to Him.

And then Day 12, my life completely transformed when I {RE}discovered the source of my tears, the heart of my brokenness, the purpose in this LONG season of pain, and then continued to find that THROUGH this brokenness, I was being made whole.

Source

I learned that I am stronger then I thought I was because through my weakness, He shines through with amazing strength.

He opened doors for me to use my own road of brokenness to encourage others in their hard times. He teaches me to see beyond my own limitations, to look through His eyes -- eyes of faith.

Source

I am learning to dance in the rain -- the circumstances, the trials, the heart aches.

And then God gave me a beautiful gift that I had been longing for for 6 months and taught me how to talk to Him in new ways through the beauty of grace.

He pushed me into the direction of my dreams and His purpose and finding a way to let my skills and passion intersect. And then as I begin to step out into that "sweet spot", disappointments & fears arise, but my life is His, and He is never disappointed in me.

Who knew that in 31 days, I could really {RE}discover so much, and that my life, my heart, my dreams, my vision could be so effectively transformed more into His image, more into His heartbeat??

I am in awe of how when we are ready to meet Him, He is always there willing to capture our hearts once again....waiting with open arms.

“And after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will . . . find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me -- I want you to pursue me." Amazing.

As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted.”

― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart:

Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

Previous - Day 30 :: The Disappointing

Want to start at the beginning??

Click here to read the entire 31 day journey

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 30 - The Disappointing

It hit me like a sucker punch.

"Your writing is not good enough.

What made you think you belonged here?

You are not a writer. You're just a poser."

I gasped for air, barely able to find enough oxygen to take my next breath
A plethora of emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.

Just moments before, I found myself thrilled, delighted even, to share my 5 minute memory with this group of blossoming writers. But as I listened to their words, flowing beautiful and free, running softly & delicately over the recesses of the mind and heart, provoking memories from my own senses in the way they wove their words, I found my own story falling flat. The voices around me, sharing and encouraging, uplifting and loving, grew quieter and quieter, and his voice - the one whose purpose is for me to fail - loomed large in my head, booming with its intensity and rhythm.


I slowly tilted the screen, slightly more with each passing moment, until it closed with that tiny click of finality, building a wall around me so no one would ask me to share my once happy memory.

Aching with physical ailing, mental fatigue, & emotional heart break, I stumbled through the next few hours, wanting to hide, to run, to bury myself away from these amazing women.

Time, space, rest, and then these words became a balm to my aching soul....

"God appoints people who disappoint to point

to a God who DOES NOT disappoint."

She said the Farmer told her these words when she was ready to quit, to back out, to hide because....who am I? What do I have to say?

The Enemy hates when we find our "true voice", when we find the place where passion & skills intersect, where we find His pleasure. And he is so angry at the potential that lies there that he will do absolutely anything to stop us dead in our tracks, paralyzed by fear or pride or comparison or failure or missing the mark totally.

Her words reminded me....we need to make thunder....because thunder reminds others that the rain is coming....He is the rain, come to heal, to refresh, to bring forth new life.

{RE}discovery :: I may disappoint - myself, others....but never Him.

Why?

Because He holds my heart in the palm of His great, big hand, ready, willing, waiting for me to declare His majesty through my frailty, through my brokenness -- pointing others to His love, His grace, His sacrifice for.....US!

#MakeTHUNDERsistas

Source

Previous - Day 29 :: The Becoming

Next - Day 31 :: The Pursuit

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 29 - The Becoming

Written at the Hands-On Writing Workshop in a 5-minute writing challenge.....

Today I feel like I am becoming the woman that I was always meant to be.

I had to go through some headaches, heart breaks, and sorrows to get to this place.

Walking through the valley of shadows almost makes you feel that brokenness has become your new identity.

And then....

Something amazing happens...

A light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope in the midst of despair.

Jesus.

Filled with grace, glory, love, mercy

Shines into your pieces

and somehow puts them back together

Making them beautiful

Better even.

So yeah, I am becoming WHO HE created me to be, and well, I like that.

I am broken.

but I am beautiful.

I am His.

"He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it."

{RE}discovery :: In the process of becoming more like Him, I am finding that questions arise, second guessing, wondering what He has for me, however, I am also finding more and more that as I look to Him, through Him, and in Him, He is my voice. He is my heartbeat. He is my song.

Previous - Day 28 :: The Relevant

Next - Day 30 :: The Disappointing

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 28 - The Relevant

Time for our favorite time of the week -- Five Minute Friday!!

Let's kick it with -- RELEVANT

GO.

What's "relevant" today?
For you?
For me?
For this world, this season, this time that we live in.

How can we continue to be relevant in this hectic, fast-paced, technology-crazed world?
And yet, how can we not?

We can change the world, right?
But how?

Tsh says that when your skill intersect with your passion, you find your element, your sweet spot, your place where you KNOW that you were created to do this, and in that space God smiles.

And I think...THAT is what is relevant to me.

When I see people living THEIR passion, dreaming THEIR dreams...I see Him...I see Him shining through, and I am amazed, drawn, hooked into the possibilities and potential that lies there. I want to be with that person, learn more about them, glean from their knowledge.

I want to walk in passion.
In relevance.
In delight with Him
and His story for me.

STOP.

{RE}discovery :: He has makes space for my dream, my passions, my desires. In fact, more than that, He plans ahead for them, just waiting for me to catch up and see how much He has in store.

Previous - Day 27 :: The Belonging

Next - Day 29 :: The Becoming

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 27 - The Belonging

My journey is not over.
My heart has not been crushed forever.
This season will not last.
The life song will resound again.

This is MY story.
HE is THE author.

He brings me into high places, greener pastures, rivers of living water.

How do I know this?

Because He was with me in the valley of the shadow. He was there when I was broken, lost, scared, hurting.
HE. WAS. THERE.

I am finding Him in ways that I didn't expect. He is restoring what the Enemy thought to take from me forever.
I belong to Him. He is my lover and I am His.

Yes. Tonight I rest in that awareness. How much I am His.

{RE}discovery :: Oh, how I pray that as you read this, you will know it too...whether in the valley or the high place....He is with you to sustain you, to lift you up, to hold your head up high, to remind you that you are not alone.

You Are His.

Previous - Day 26 :: The Dream

Next - Day 28 :: The Relevant

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 26 - The Dream

You are NEVER too old to set another goal

or to dream a new dream.

~C.S. Lewis~

photo credit

{RE}discovery :: As I prepare & pack for Relevant '11, I can't help seeing God's handiwork, guiding, shaping, and leading me over these past months. I listen to my mom, my dad, my husband, my best friend tell me how excited they are for me. My best friend said, "I'm glad you're going. It is a sign that you are making your way through this phase in your life and succeeding. :-) I'm glad its bringing out the writer in you." After months of walking through a season of loneliness, that I believe the Lord allowed, I am seeing the beautiful light shining at the end of the tunnel. It's delightful!

Thank goodness I've got my new DSLR to capture all the beauty! ;-)

Previous - Day 25 :: The Grace

Next - Day 27 :: The Belonging

{RE}discovering Him :: Day 25 - The Grace

I stepped out into the crisp, night air pausing for a moment to adjust my eyes to the darkness falling across the farm lands surrounding me. I carefully crept to my car so as not to trip over toys left over from the day's play. I un-shouldered my heavy load, grabbed my keys, my phone, and walked to the driver's seat. I sank into the warmth of the car, and then I remembered,

"My cell died."

My heart sank.

I knew that the next 35 minutes, I would be "alone", cut off from even the ability to communicate, and I hate that. I mean I REALLY hate that.

Photo Credit

The home office that I work from is off the beaten path, so the drives back & forth home are usually my time to catch up with my best friend, my sister, or a friend that I haven't connected to in awhile. I'm an extrovert {an ENFJ to be exact}, and I like to fill up as much of my time "connecting with people" as possible or "stimulating my senses" in some way {games, TV, movies, etc}. I try to do nothing alone....I have only recently {past 2 years} found freedom in being alone in my own house.

So when I realized that I would be "alone", I thought,

"Well, I could talk.....to HIM."

And then a flood of emotions filled me -- anxiety, panic, fear....what will I say? what shall we talk about? why is He so hard to connect to sometimes?

And then....why do I feel this way about the One I love...and more importantly, the One who loves me so very much?

And now shame, embarrassment, & sorrow sting my senses.

And therein lies my problem...a reminder of my turn in this journey, a bend in the road.....

You see....

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 4 years old, and I never really looked back. Truly.

As a kid growing up in Haiti, my mom taught us Sunday school every Sunday morning, and we did devotions every Sunday night. On furlough, we attended church 2x on Sunday and of course, Wednesday night Bible study. As a teenager, add Friday night youth and any activity, fundraiser, event that was planned. As a freshman in college, I longed to connect and belong, and I quickly fell into the same routine -- Sunday morning church, Sunday night at campus church, Thursday night devos with our floor chaplain...and it continued and grew as I became a chaplain {add Monday nights with the campus pastors plus "dorm group" with my head chaplain. My senior year, I became the head chaplain....and well...you get the picture.

This continued after college when I got involved in full time ministry, co-founded a young adult Bible study, took mission teams overseas, in addition to all the weekly church meet ups. As the years have gone by the responsibilities have grown and I have found myself constantly connecting or being connected through some type of meeting, service, small group, event, conference, etc -- you name it {from the church stand point} and I have probably been a part of it both as a participant & a leader.

And then a year ago, my life radically changed.

And. I. MEAN. RADICALLY.

We took a sabbatical from full time ministry.

We moved back to the home town my parents grew up in.

Arno got a "lay" job.

I focused on my health and took on part time work here and there.

And suddenly my whole identity/connection/relationship with God had shifted.

I didn't know what to make of it at first.

It scared me. Terrified me. Had me shaking in my boots.

What was I now....??

Who was I apart from this ministry persona that has identified from childhood, through adolescence and on into my adulthood?

I found myself in this transitional, disconnected, disoriented state and I felt alone, ashamed, defeated....far from the One Who had loved me my whole life.

photo credit

And I couldn't pray the same way.

I couldn't read my Bible the same.

I struggled to do "quiet time"

I felt so inadequate.

And yet, my heart, my soul, every fiber of my being cried for the One who makes me complete, so when I would lean into Him, and allow Him to connect to me....I would hear one word....

Grace.

Grace, my child.

Grace.

On that dark ride home, these memories, His lessons flashed before me in a few seconds, and I did what He has taught me to do...leaned into Him, fell back on Him.

And I began to dream, to create, to ponder, to plan...in my mind, my heart, my soul...and suddenly I knew He was there....actually I should say I FELT Him there because He always was, right?....speaking to me in the way HE made me, the way that takes the pressure, the perfectionism, the performance out of the equation.

I had a beautiful ride with my Jesus. He showed me His heart. I looked at His world {again} with new eyes. He reminded me that I don't have to prove anything, be anything, do anything to be loved.

I simply am.

{RE}discovery :: When I lose my way, get overwhelmed, and feel confused as to how to even talk to HIM, He lovingly, gently draws me back...back into the Arms of Grace -- where there are no schedules, no parameters, no guidelines. Just Grace.

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